The Gospel of Action Movies According to Hollywood.
I know this is true, because Hollywood tells me so:
Every Asian is an expert in Kung-Fu, and they’re ready to use it at a moment’s notice.
Similarly, everyone in Japan has Ninja skills, and is an expert with a samurai sword.
A Good Guy rarely gets shot. And if he does, it’s only a flesh wound which quickly heals itself, and is of no consequence within the next couple of scenes.
People can easily outrun explosions. Diving into the air in slow-motion at the last moment helps.
Terrorists aren’t Arabs (or any other visible minority). They’re always Euro-Trash White Supremacists. Just remember: the only acceptable villains are Neo-Nazis.
After a brutal fight scene, the only injury the Good Guy will ever exhibit is a small cut on his lip, or a tiny trickle of blood from one nostril. He’ll then touch his wound, incredulously look at the blood on his fingers, get angry and come back fighting even stronger than ever.
Someone armed with a gun is no match for a skilled swordsman.
The 250-lb. Bad Guy who’s a martial arts expert will still get his ass whupped by a 115-lb. woman.
City waterfronts are huge areas of urban blight, with countless miles of abandoned buildings. It’s where the Bad Guys can hide, and their kidnap victims can be concealed.
Don’t worry about torn muscles, damaged organs or the risk of infection. A gunshot wound can instantly be healed, by just removing the bullet from the victim’s body.
Every secret agent or Special Ops person can fly a fighter jet with greater skill than the Air Force pilots who spend their entire careers mastering the same aircraft.
Downtown streets are always full of fruit vendors, whose carts are readily available to be destroyed during car-chase scenes.
Falling through a plate-glass window is perfectly harmless. You won’t so much as get a sliver of glass stuck in you.
Women are rarely ever the Bad Guy. If they are, it’s mandatory that they’re portrayed as either East-German or Russian.
Bad Guys have still not figured out how to use handcuffs or zip-ties to restrain people, like the Cops do on a daily basis.
There is no set limit of the firepower of a shotgun shell. It can be used to shoot a victim, or it can blow up and overturn an armored vehicle.
Helicopters are constantly flying into sky-scrapers and/or crashing in downtown streets. No one ever gets hurt, though. (Except the helicopter pilot, we assume).
All factories are poorly-lit buildings, and run automatically with no production staff or management supervisors. There is plenty of steam and welding sparks, but nothing ever seems to be manufactured.
A high-caliber gun will have no recoil on the shooter, but it will lift the victim in the air and hurl him back ten feet through a window.
Every Police Captain is a stressed-out Type-A personality, often an African- American. He constantly yells at the Cop Hero, and reminds him: “One more screw up, and it’s your badge!”. Despite his grumpiness, the Captain grudgingly tolerates the Cop Hero’s unorthodox methods, because in the end, he gets the job done.Explore posts in the same categories: Friar's Grab Bag comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.