I know these things to be true, because cartoons tell me so.

No matter how new or immaculate a house is, rodents will live in the walls.   Their entrance hole is quite large (3-4 inches across), often door-shaped, and located in plain view in the living room.  The home-owners tolerate this, and never do anything to fix it.

There are only two types of dogs:  1) the English bull-dog and 2) the floppy-eared hound.

Huge wooden mallets are readily available everywhere, for smacking people on the head with.

Dynamite is also readily available everywhere, for blowing things up with.

Predators (cats, coyotes, etc.) will typically expend ten times the energy pursuing their prey, than the caloric value of the prey itself.

Long fuses to explosive devices are unreliable.   They often sputter out,  leaving the bomb to go off only at the precise moment when the villain comes by to check to see what happened.

If someone’s foot or posterior is burning,  for the first 5-10 seconds, the victim is totally oblivious that they’re on fire.   After that, they scream in pain, but there are never any blisters or third degree burns.  Furthermore, the effects of the fire can be instantly nullified by plunging the affected body part into cold water, after which it’s mandatory to sigh with relief.

In the 1940’s, Indians all said “ugh”, began their sentences with “me” and ended their verbs with “um” (i.e. “Ugh.  Me like-um tobacco!“)

The effects of gravity are often delayed until the victim actually becomes aware that they’re no longer walking on solid ground.

Drinking hard liquor will make your face turn beet red, and flames shoot out of your mouth.    So will eating Tabasco sauce.

Nobody ever bleeds.   Visible injuries (black eyes, broken teeth, abrasions) only last 2-3 scenes at the most, then disappear.

Money is always kept in bags, with the “$” sign label on them.

Every household has an anvil somewhere.

Bathrooms will have sinks and bathtubs.  But toilets don’t exist.

All guns have an infinite supply of ammo, and don’t need to be re-loaded.

Sixty years ago, all Arabs wore huge turbans, several times the diameter of their own head.

Grand pianos and/or safes are made to be dropped.   Preferably from a great height.

It’s possible to outrun a cannon ball.   But you have to be quick.

Walking on a railway track guarantees a collision with a train within 10 seconds.   Same thing applies for a truck, when walking in a tunnel.

Shooting someone point-blank will do no harm except to turn the face black and sooty.  (With the exception of ducks, in which case the beak will be blown off the face).

A dog may sniff a hydrant, but will never actually urinate.

North American waterways are full of huge cataracts, where you can paddle a few feet in the wrong direction and unknowingly plunge thousands of feet.

North American geography is full of steep cliffs, where you can take one step in the wrong direction, and unknowingly plunge thousands of feet.

Head trauma always causes large conical bumps to appear within seconds, which grow so fast they may actually displace the hat of the victim’s head.

Carnivores (wolves, dogs, cats, etc.) tend to be the evil villains.  Herbivores (mice, birds, rabbits, etc.) tend to be the good guys.

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Tags: anvils, cartoon stereotype, cartoons, dynamite, humor, rant

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