Being Anti-Green: 26 Tips on how to Screw the Planet
1. Stick to the Two-Thousand Mile diet. Refuse to eat any food unless it’s shipped in from three time zones away.
2. Instead of a turkey, celebrate Thanksgiving with a California condor.
3. Invent a religion that discourages overpopulated Third World countries from using birth control (no, wait..I think someone’s already done that!)
4. Bring back lead paint and asbestos. (If it was good enough for us, then it’s good enough for today’s damned spoiled kids!)
5. Make particle-board IKEA furniture, using only old-growth mahogany.
6. Build a huge electric fan, and have it blast air in the opposite direction, right behind a wind turbine. (Heh heh heh…! The next effect is ZERO!)
7. A ski hill in the desert. We definitely need to see more of these.
8. Grow pineapples in greenhouses in Alaska, then export them to Ecuador.
9. Run your electric heater and air conditioner in your house at the same time, and let ‘em fight it out.
10. Generously stock every lake in North America with carp.
11. Build paved roads to each of the high points of the Lower 48. Now everyone can enjoy bagging the peaks (and not just the hikers and moutain climbers)
12. Collect rainfall in Arizona, store it in barrels, and Fed-Ex them to Antarctica. This not only wastes energy, but as a bonus, it permanently removes precious H2O from the drought-stricken Colorado River watershed. (Thanks to Brett for suggesting this one).
13. Sell disposable, one-time use Recycle Blue-Boxes.
14. Spread the joy, and keep the spirit of Christmas going all year around. Keep your outdoor lights burning 12 months a year.
15. Just for shits and giggles, re-engineer the electric generating turbines in hydro dams so they act as MOTORS, and pump that sunnavabitch water right back uphill.
16. Convince the Japan that the best sushi comes from blue whales.
17. Convince factories in China there’s a great demand for lead-tipped baby pacifiers.
18. Dredge the Gulf Coast, and make a huge pile of sand in the middle of the ocean. Encourage rich retirees to build million-dollar homes on it, just in time for hurricane season.
19. Randomly pick an animal, any animal. (Moose, chameleon, three-toed sloth…etc.) Then try to wipe it off the face of the planet. (Bet you we could, too!)
20. Rent a cabin in the woods. Bring an electric generator and use it to power one of those fake electric fireplaces. (You know, the ones with the plastic logs and rotating orange lights.)
21. Design disposable cell phones that are good for only one call, then you throw them out. Market this to teens, as the next “Cool” thing to have. (Actually, these would probably sell.)
22. Develop a Hummer that runs on whale oil.
23. Become a strict Meat-a-tarian.
24. Design a simple automatic rifle, that even chimps can learn to use. Train them to do so, arm them, and then release them back into the wild.
25. Use crushed coral as filler material when re-paving the Interstate.
26. Start a charity web-site, using Google ads to raise money for your favorite military dictatorship. Every time someone clicks on the box, El Generalissimo gets one dollar.
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Tags: anti-green, Earth Day, humor, rant, save the planet, spoof
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March 19, 2009 at 11:48 pm
@Wee Friar,
We’re led to believe that you and Brett unwind with a couple of innocent beers on Thursdays, and brainstorm.
Are you sure that’s all that goes on? Seems to me you might be smoking something.
March 19, 2009 at 11:52 pm
@Friar’s Mom
No…smoking would annoy my asthma. I just stick to alcohol.
March 20, 2009 at 12:00 am
Actually, #12 was brainstormed at work today
March 20, 2009 at 12:02 am
@Brett
hahah! Yeah…that one idea is what started this whole post.
Best thing that’s happened to me at work, all month.
March 20, 2009 at 8:12 am
Whoa. My comment disappeared. Maybe it’s in mod for the links?
I forgot to say that I LOVE the toon. Sweet.
March 20, 2009 at 8:30 am
I too love the toon!
But you forgot #27
27. Deflate your tires so your ride is confortable, don’t ever change your oil, if you do, dump it in a river or well. Accelerate hard to a very high speed ( keep it in a low gear too) and brake hard at the last possible moment. You too can get 12 MPG just like a big expensive SUV.
Eyeteaguy
March 20, 2009 at 9:24 am
Friar, these are hysterical (and a bit frightening. armed chimps? scary!).
I’ll take eyeteaguy’s tip one step further and recommend that we pave over all sidewalks, bike paths, and hiking trails. That way we get even more cars on the roads — and in our natural preserves.
March 20, 2009 at 9:34 am
I would like to see them take down all those crappy corner shops, cafes, boutiques, artsy/crafty stores, restaurants et al and build more big box stores and malls with food courts. That’s all we really need. Build them in the middle of nowhere so they’re only accessible by car, get rid of all the scruffy wildlife habitats to make nice big parking lots.
March 20, 2009 at 10:30 am
And fuck nuclear, we need coal fired plants. Break all the dams too. No wait, more dams! Flood more narture reserves, native burial grounds but don’t use it for electricity, just let it sit there. If we build enough of them we can change the orbit of the earth!
And we should mix the coal we burn with baby seals, the baby fat will increase the pollutants.
Eyeguy
March 20, 2009 at 11:18 am
Friar, what can I say, you have a way of showing us the truth and making us laugh! Scary, funny post and filled with so many nuggets of wisdom! BTW, your mom is too funny!
March 20, 2009 at 11:18 am
Friar, I like #4 and #25, especially. Did you know a lot of lipstick has lead in it?
I have a bumper sticker on my Dodge Dakota (15 miles to the gallon at birth, woohoo!) that reads, “Green cars today; blue skies tomorrow.” The other bumper sticker says, “I’d rather be diving.”
I am The Sarcastic Environmentalist.
March 20, 2009 at 1:41 pm
@Eyeteaguy,
No, you still need nuclear – use unshielded reactors, cool the core via single pass water and feed it back directly into the lakes and rivers.
When you’re done with the fuel, pulverize it into dust and spray it on your crops.
March 20, 2009 at 2:54 pm
One other thing, every single one of those should have involved “baby seal fur” in some way… heh heh
March 20, 2009 at 3:18 pm
@Kelly
Dunno what happened to your first comment. It seems to have disappeared into N-space.
@Eyeteaguy
I like the fact that oil and gas can spread over the surface of water, to the thickness of one molecule. So a tiny drop goes a long way, towards making a huge oil-slick.
@Rebecca
Like that song..they paved paradise, and put up a parking lot.
@XUP
Get rid of all wildlife, except the racoons, pigeons and seagulls (They’ll survive quite well, next to the Big Box stores).
@Eyeteaguy
It’s best if you build a damn and flood the Canadian Shield rock. That way all the mercury can leach out of the bedrock and poison the fish.
@Karen
This is NOT wisdom…this was me being a smart-ass!
@Beth
Lead in lisptick…STILL ?
Now I’ll have to watch who I kiss!
@Brett
You’re thinking of that Flying Crowbar, aren’t you?
March 20, 2009 at 4:48 pm
@Friar, Ha! Even when you’re being a facetious wiseacre, you impart wisdom. *shaking head* I thought for sure you knew that.
March 20, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Say would could you let me post this on biking architect as a guest post? It might get some of those engineers and architects out there saving the world to comment….
We might even get more than 5 readers a post?….What do you think?
March 20, 2009 at 7:33 pm
@Karen
There are so many people out there who provide wisdom. The last thing Blogo-Land needs is for ME to join their ranks!
@Patrican
Ummm…depends. WHAT is “biking architect” ?
March 20, 2009 at 8:15 pm
http://www.bikingarchitect.com the blog I write for my husband
Who is an avid biker (not motorcyclist) and an environmental, sustainable, energy efficient, green architect in small town USA…
March 20, 2009 at 8:51 pm
@Patricia
Sounds pretty good (Check out the email I sent you)
March 20, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I think we could all use a smile these days…thank you
sent it on to my IT person…asap before you could change your mind!…Thank you
I will write a wee preface to accompany if that is ok?
March 20, 2009 at 9:01 pm
@Patricia
Okay..I dont’ mind a preface..as long as you don’t put words in my mouth (or get me in trouble)!
March 20, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Friar,
Check your comment-moderation. I tried pasting the eaten comment from this morning (I’m not always smart enough to hit copy before submitting but this morning I was)—and it just got eaten again.
If you can’t find it… good post. I give up.
Later,
kelly
March 20, 2009 at 9:23 pm
@Kelly
That’s really weird, because I see no outstanding comments waiting moderation.
Howcum THIS comment got through (and the other one didn’t?.
Mabye the WordPress Police and Mayor McCheese have it in for you!
Bummer, because I look forward to your comments! You’re one of my faves.
March 20, 2009 at 9:41 pm
@ Kelly
I too suffered from gobbled up comments but have grown wiser. If it’s a long comment(unlike this one), I create it in Word and then copy it into the Comment box.
I find I have to be patient when I press Submit. If not, I end up sending two or three identical comments.
It works for me.
March 20, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I put links in it. I’m sure that’s the problem, because my two lovely complaints with no links are sitting right here.
And this one, if all goes well…
March 21, 2009 at 2:24 am
For the record, I didn’t think you were imparting any wisdom.
Just smart-assness.
March 21, 2009 at 9:23 am
@Kelly
Listen to what Friar’s Mom says!
@Karen
THANK YOU! (It’s good to know at least one person understands me!)
March 24, 2009 at 9:28 am
[...] hope you find a chuckle or two here – I now offer up Deep Friar’s [...]
April 7, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I think we should go back to making roller coasters out of 200 year old Brazilian mahogany. It’s stylish and strong wood. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 10, 2010 at 1:59 am
LOVE your blog!!!