Archive for March 2009

Blogging for Nickels…

March 22, 2009

blog-nickel

I wish I had a nickel for every blog I read that…

…gives me a list of  “tips” on how I can improve my life.
Seems everyone’s an expert on the subject, except me.

…kicks me in the arse, because I haven’t self-actualized and fulfilled all my dreams yet.
(Because like I said, everyone’s an expert on how to run my own life, except me).   What they don’t mention is: it really helps to have a spouse or significant other who holds down a day job, allowing you to sit at home all day and blog.

…tells me how easy it is to make money blogging
Notice nobody ever says how MUCH money they make, or how many hours they have to put in to earn it?  (Methinks if it sounds too good to be true, it probably IS).

…posts a cutesy photo of their kids,
Which of course will trigger an avalanche of estrogen, as adoring moms come out of the woodwork, and gush over how adorable the little rug-rat is.

…is a link post
Always a sure winner, when someone doesn’t know what to write about on their own.

…cites a famous quote
Why do we constantly obsess over what everyone ELSE has said?    Can’t we think on our own?  Just because someone’s a millionaire, or a dead poet, doesn’t necessarily mean their word is as good as gold.  (How do we know these people didn’t beat their dog or were addicted to Meth or something?)

…states the blatantly obvious, and passes it off as wisdom
I really love it when bloggers feel they need to explain “No-Duh” things,  like “eating and sleeping properly is important”.  And then everyone else chimes in at how wonderful this new-found information is.

Thank you…(sob).  THANK YOU!

How did we EVER survive before Blogo-Land was around impart these pearls of wisdom to us?

What next? Remember to continue to keep breathing to sustain life?

…moves someone to tears
20 years ago, seems people only cried at weddings or funerals.   Nowadays, all it takes is for someone quote a few lines from a poem, and then WAAAHHH!  Watch the Kleenex fly!

If we ever had to fight the equivalent of World War II again, this time, I think we’d lose.

…mentions Twitter
It’s the latest Flavor-of-the-Month.   (Notice we hardly hear about S.E.O. anymore?)

…is Vegetarian
Aren’t there any Meat-Eaters anymore?

…tells me how to write, but never provides any actual examples.
God forbid, should we ever see an original short story or some poetry.

…blogs about how to blog.
Boy.  Talk about a self-fulfilling hobby.

…sells an E-book, which tells you how to make money by selling E-books
(Ponzi would be proud).

…encourages professional wannabees.
Sorry.  Just because you can string together 250 words on what the cat puked up for breakfast does not necessarily make you a WRITER.  Neither does posting lame-ass digital photographs make you a PHOTOGRAPHER.     (I think it takes a little bit more than that consider yourself a professional).

…takes itself way too seriously
Seems that for every funny blog, there’s about fifty that are not.   We’re so damned busy coaching and inspiring each other, we’ve forgotten our sense of humor.    We need to lighten up and LAUGH!  (Life’s too short!)

…bitched about other blogs, as much as The Deep Friar does.
;-)

Comparing Photos Taken Half an Earth Orbit Apart…

March 22, 2009

Last year, I went for a country drive to catch the fall colors, and take some photos.   I wanted to find some landscapes to paint later on.

I did the same thing today, on the spur of the moment.  Coincidentally, almost exactly six months later.   I find it interesting to compare the two sets of photos.

autum-blog-3

quadeville-spring-barn1

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quadeville-downtown-march2

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Hmph.   Early spring kind of SUCKS, in terms of finding good subjects to paint.  Everything is washed out and drab.

But give it another two months.   Everything will be bright green again.   And four months after that, we’ll be back to the fall colors.

That’s one thing you can say about Canada.   The seasons are never boring.

Being Anti-Green: 26 Tips on how to Screw the Planet

March 19, 2009

screw-the-planet

1. Stick to the Two-Thousand Mile diet.   Refuse to eat any food unless it’s shipped in from three time zones away.

2. Instead of a turkey, celebrate Thanksgiving with a California condor.

3. Invent a religion that discourages overpopulated Third World countries from using birth control (no, wait..I think someone’s already done that!)

4. Bring back lead paint and asbestos.  (If it was good enough for us, then it’s good enough for today’s damned spoiled kids!)

5. Make particle-board IKEA furniture, using only old-growth mahogany.

6. Build a huge electric fan, and have it blast air in the opposite direction, right behind a wind turbine.   (Heh heh heh…!  The next effect is ZERO!)

7. A ski hill in the desert.  We definitely need to see more of these.

8. Grow pineapples in greenhouses in Alaska, then export them to Ecuador.

9. Run your electric heater and air conditioner in your house at the same time, and let ‘em fight it out.

10. Generously stock every lake in North America with carp.

11. Build paved roads to each of the high points of the Lower 48.   Now everyone can enjoy bagging the peaks (and not just the hikers and moutain climbers)

12. Collect rainfall in Arizona, store it in barrels, and Fed-Ex them to Antarctica.  This not only wastes energy, but as a bonus, it permanently removes precious H2O from the drought-stricken Colorado River watershed.  (Thanks to Brett for suggesting this one).

13. Sell disposable, one-time use Recycle Blue-Boxes.

14. Spread the joy, and keep the spirit of Christmas going all year around.   Keep your outdoor lights burning 12 months a year.

15. Just for shits and giggles,  re-engineer the electric generating turbines in hydro dams so they act as MOTORS, and pump that sunnavabitch water right back uphill.

16. Convince the Japan that the best sushi comes from blue whales.

17. Convince factories in China there’s a great demand for lead-tipped baby pacifiers.

18. Dredge the Gulf Coast, and make a huge pile of sand in the middle of the ocean.  Encourage rich retirees to build million-dollar homes on it, just in time for hurricane season.

19. Randomly pick an animal, any animal.  (Moose,  chameleon,  three-toed sloth…etc.)   Then try to wipe it off the face of the planet.  (Bet you we could, too!)

20. Rent a cabin in the woods.   Bring an electric generator and use it to power one of those fake electric fireplaces.  (You know, the ones with the plastic logs and rotating orange lights.)

21. Design disposable cell phones that are good for only one call, then you throw them out.   Market this to teens, as the next “Cool” thing to have.  (Actually, these would probably sell.)

22. Develop a Hummer that runs on whale oil.

23. Become a strict Meat-a-tarian.

24. Design a simple automatic rifle, that even chimps can learn to use.   Train them to do so, arm them, and then release them back into the wild.

25.  Use crushed coral as filler material when re-paving the Interstate.

26. Start a charity web-site, using Google ads to raise money for your favorite military dictatorship.   Every time someone clicks on the box, El Generalissimo gets one dollar.

anit-green

I know these things to be true, because cartoons tell me so.

March 17, 2009

No matter how new or immaculate a house is, rodents will live in the walls.   Their entrance hole is quite large (3-4 inches across), often door-shaped, and located in plain view in the living room.  The home-owners tolerate this, and never do anything to fix it.

There are only two types of dogs:  1) the English bull-dog and 2) the floppy-eared hound.

Huge wooden mallets are readily available everywhere, for smacking people on the head with.

Dynamite is also readily available everywhere, for blowing things up with.

Predators (cats, coyotes, etc.) will typically expend ten times the energy pursuing their prey, than the caloric value of the prey itself.

Long fuses to explosive devices are unreliable.   They often sputter out,  leaving the bomb to go off only at the precise moment when the villain comes by to check to see what happened.

If someone’s foot or posterior is burning,  for the first 5-10 seconds, the victim is totally oblivious that they’re on fire.   After that, they scream in pain, but there are never any blisters or third degree burns.  Furthermore, the effects of the fire can be instantly nullified by plunging the affected body part into cold water, after which it’s mandatory to sigh with relief.

In the 1940’s, Indians all said “ugh”, began their sentences with “me” and ended their verbs with “um” (i.e. “Ugh.  Me like-um tobacco!“)

The effects of gravity are often delayed until the victim actually becomes aware that they’re no longer walking on solid ground.

Drinking hard liquor will make your face turn beet red, and flames shoot out of your mouth.    So will eating Tabasco sauce.

Nobody ever bleeds.   Visible injuries (black eyes, broken teeth, abrasions) only last 2-3 scenes at the most, then disappear.

Money is always kept in bags, with the “$” sign label on them.

Every household has an anvil somewhere.

Bathrooms will have sinks and bathtubs.  But toilets don’t exist.

All guns have an infinite supply of ammo, and don’t need to be re-loaded.

Sixty years ago, all Arabs wore huge turbans, several times the diameter of their own head.

Grand pianos and/or safes are made to be dropped.   Preferably from a great height.

It’s possible to outrun a cannon ball.   But you have to be quick.

Walking on a railway track guarantees a collision with a train within 10 seconds.   Same thing applies for a truck, when walking in a tunnel.

Shooting someone point-blank will do no harm except to turn the face black and sooty.  (With the exception of ducks, in which case the beak will be blown off the face).

A dog may sniff a hydrant, but will never actually urinate.

North American waterways are full of huge cataracts, where you can paddle a few feet in the wrong direction and unknowingly plunge thousands of feet.

North American geography is full of steep cliffs, where you can take one step in the wrong direction, and unknowingly plunge thousands of feet.

Head trauma always causes large conical bumps to appear within seconds, which grow so fast they may actually displace the hat of the victim’s head.

Carnivores (wolves, dogs, cats, etc.) tend to be the evil villains.  Herbivores (mice, birds, rabbits, etc.) tend to be the good guys.

Painting Junk Food

March 17, 2009

Last time it was donuts…This time it was Burger King.   I think maybe hot dog will be next…

b-king

Things that make me CRINGE

March 16, 2009

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When dorky pop singers stand in front of a choir, and solo,  when it’s obvious they know NOTHING about gospel music.

(No, you are NOT Aretha Franklin!…get OVER yourself!)

Why don’t any of those backup singers ever just come up, push the bozo off-stage,  and take over as lead singer themselves?

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Similarly, sappy pop songs,where the lead singer is backed up a chorus of  KIDS.

(Owww!  My pancreas!…where’s the insulin?)

Seriously…does anyone honestly ENJOY these lame-ass songs (other than the parents and grandparents of the little maggots who’re on the sound-track?)

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Shameless over-commercialized Easter chocolate  (i.e. Sponge-Bob,  Spiderman, NASCARS collectibles, or NBA Basketballs).

Whatever happened to just chocolate bunnies and eggs?

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Bagpipes…ANYTHING to do with bagpipes!

(With maybe the exception of Paul McCartney’s Mull of Kintyre…)

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Céline Dion covering an AC/DC song.

(This is so wrong, on so many levels, I can’t even begin to describe it here).

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When TV news shows  insist on interviewing 8-year-old-kids to get their opinion on relevant world events.

“Umm…global warming…is…um…like BAD.   So…um…maybe if we didn’t pollute so much…we can…um…make global warming not happen.    If we…um…maybe recycled more, …um, it would be better for the polar bears.”.

Kid:  You’re eight…no one CARES what you think!

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Two faces have I“.

Crappiest.  60’s Pop Song.   Ever.

(When I hear this monstrosity, I not only cringe, but I want to poke pencils into my ears, to make myself deaf.)

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Listening to someone being interviewed, who uses  “know what I’m sayin’ ?'”  like a punctuation mark at the end of every sentence.

On top of that, they’re too damned lazy to even pronounce all the syllables  (nome-sane…?)

No, I DON”T know what you’re sayin’… GET A #$%&ING  VOCABULARY! !

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Watching retro TV cartoons, and realizing just how bad Super Friends really is, now that I’m no longer nine years old.

(Wonder Twin Powers….Masturbate Activate! )

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Watching the idiots on the Jackass movie give themselves paper cuts.

(I dare anybody to watch this and not cringe.)

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Cartoons from the 1930’s, and  TV from the 1970’s.

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Remembering my hemorrhoid surgery.    (No, I won’t go there…)

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In the movies, when a 100-lb. chick beats the crap out of a 250-lb villain.  (Yeahhhhright.)

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“Safety lectures” at the workplace, where they try to force you to participate.

“Okay…who among you turns down their thermostat at night to save on heating fuel? ?  Stand up.  C’mon!  Stand up! ….And who here uses the Blue-box to recycle?   Stand up! …C’mon…STAND UP!

Ummm…what GRADE are we in, again?

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Bad Karaoke.  (And therefore,  most of American Idol).

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Donald Trump’s hair.

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Rosie O’Donnel’s head.

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Puppets.  (Not muppets, they’re okay)  …I’m talking about PUPPETS.

Especially from  low-budget TV shows in French,  where the kids’ voices are adults speaking in squeaky tones.

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Workplace drones who speak using the company-assigned acronyms, and sincerely BELIEVE in them.

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Yoko Ono.   Especially here.

(John, was the acid good for you too?)

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Extreme fighting.

(Normally, getting hit in the face with bare fists is something I’d think most people would want to AVOID).

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Having to listen to Jean Chrétien when he was our Prime Minister.  He actually made Dubya sound smart.

Here’s the PROOF.

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Reading a blog post from a Cool Kid that states the no-duh blatantly obvious…Then watching all the wannabees write in how great it was, because it was written by a  Cool Kid.

Canadian Provinces and Territories Described in 10 Words

March 13, 2009

Prince Edward Island
Red Sand. Potatoes.  Beaches.  Anne of Green Gables (enough already!)

Newfoundland
Rock.  North Atlantic.  Fog.  Cod.  Unemployed.  Friendly.  Screech. Tunderin’ Jesus!

New Brunswick
Next to Maine.  Moncton.  Bay of Fundy.  Drive-thru Province.

Nova Scotia.
Halifax. Lobster. Bluenose. Rain. Cape Breton. Fiddle Music. Rita McNeil.

Quebec
Poutine.  Depaneur. Habs.  Labatts 50.  Smoked Meat.  Montreal.  Politics.  Tabernac.

Ontario
Toronto.  Non-Toronto.  Blackflies. Walleye. Lakes.  Cottages.  Big.  Boring.

Manitoba
Prairies.  Winter-peg.  Flat.   Churchill. Polar Bears.  Above North Dakota.

Saskatechewan
Flat.  Yawn.  Wheat.  Flat.  Close to Alberta.  Peaked in 1912.

Alberta
Prairies.  Tar Sands.  Rockies.  Beef.  No sales tax.  Yee-Haw.

British Columbia
Lotus Land. Hippies.  Asians.  Mountains.  Logging.  Spruce-beetles.  Ontario refugees.

Yukon Territory
Bugs.  Klondike Tourists.  Glaciers.  Bugs.  North of 60.  Arctic cold.

NorthWest Territories
Like Yukon, but bigger, more remote, no glaciers, no tourists.

Nunavut
Same as Northwest Territories.  Used to be part of them.


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