Archive for March 2009

I know these things to be true, because cartoons tell me so.

March 17, 2009

No matter how new or immaculate a house is, rodents will live in the walls.   Their entrance hole is quite large (3-4 inches across), often door-shaped, and located in plain view in the living room.  The home-owners tolerate this, and never do anything to fix it.

There are only two types of dogs:  1) the English bull-dog and 2) the floppy-eared hound.

Huge wooden mallets are readily available everywhere, for smacking people on the head with.

Dynamite is also readily available everywhere, for blowing things up with.

Predators (cats, coyotes, etc.) will typically expend ten times the energy pursuing their prey, than the caloric value of the prey itself.

Long fuses to explosive devices are unreliable.   They often sputter out,  leaving the bomb to go off only at the precise moment when the villain comes by to check to see what happened.

If someone’s foot or posterior is burning,  for the first 5-10 seconds, the victim is totally oblivious that they’re on fire.   After that, they scream in pain, but there are never any blisters or third degree burns.  Furthermore, the effects of the fire can be instantly nullified by plunging the affected body part into cold water, after which it’s mandatory to sigh with relief.

In the 1940′s, Indians all said “ugh”, began their sentences with “me” and ended their verbs with “um” (i.e. “Ugh.  Me like-um tobacco!“)

The effects of gravity are often delayed until the victim actually becomes aware that they’re no longer walking on solid ground.

Drinking hard liquor will make your face turn beet red, and flames shoot out of your mouth.    So will eating Tabasco sauce.

Nobody ever bleeds.   Visible injuries (black eyes, broken teeth, abrasions) only last 2-3 scenes at the most, then disappear.

Money is always kept in bags, with the “$” sign label on them.

Every household has an anvil somewhere.

Bathrooms will have sinks and bathtubs.  But toilets don’t exist.

All guns have an infinite supply of ammo, and don’t need to be re-loaded.

Sixty years ago, all Arabs wore huge turbans, several times the diameter of their own head.

Grand pianos and/or safes are made to be dropped.   Preferably from a great height.

It’s possible to outrun a cannon ball.   But you have to be quick.

Walking on a railway track guarantees a collision with a train within 10 seconds.   Same thing applies for a truck, when walking in a tunnel.

Shooting someone point-blank will do no harm except to turn the face black and sooty.  (With the exception of ducks, in which case the beak will be blown off the face).

A dog may sniff a hydrant, but will never actually urinate.

North American waterways are full of huge cataracts, where you can paddle a few feet in the wrong direction and unknowingly plunge thousands of feet.

North American geography is full of steep cliffs, where you can take one step in the wrong direction, and unknowingly plunge thousands of feet.

Head trauma always causes large conical bumps to appear within seconds, which grow so fast they may actually displace the hat of the victim’s head.

Carnivores (wolves, dogs, cats, etc.) tend to be the evil villains.  Herbivores (mice, birds, rabbits, etc.) tend to be the good guys.

Painting Junk Food

March 17, 2009

Last time it was donuts…This time it was Burger King.   I think maybe hot dog will be next…

b-king

Things that make me CRINGE

March 16, 2009

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When dorky pop singers stand in front of a choir, and solo,  when it’s obvious they know NOTHING about gospel music.

(No, you are NOT Aretha Franklin!…get OVER yourself!)

Why don’t any of those backup singers ever just come up, push the bozo off-stage,  and take over as lead singer themselves?

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Similarly, sappy pop songs,where the lead singer is backed up a chorus of  KIDS.

(Owww!  My pancreas!…where’s the insulin?)

Seriously…does anyone honestly ENJOY these lame-ass songs (other than the parents and grandparents of the little maggots who’re on the sound-track?)

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Shameless over-commercialized Easter chocolate  (i.e. Sponge-Bob,  Spiderman, NASCARS collectibles, or NBA Basketballs).

Whatever happened to just chocolate bunnies and eggs?

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Bagpipes…ANYTHING to do with bagpipes!

(With maybe the exception of Paul McCartney’s Mull of Kintyre…)

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Céline Dion covering an AC/DC song.

(This is so wrong, on so many levels, I can’t even begin to describe it here).

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When TV news shows  insist on interviewing 8-year-old-kids to get their opinion on relevant world events.

“Umm…global warming…is…um…like BAD.   So…um…maybe if we didn’t pollute so much…we can…um…make global warming not happen.    If we…um…maybe recycled more, …um, it would be better for the polar bears.”.

Kid:  You’re eight…no one CARES what you think!

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Two faces have I“.

Crappiest.  60′s Pop Song.   Ever.

(When I hear this monstrosity, I not only cringe, but I want to poke pencils into my ears, to make myself deaf.)

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Listening to someone being interviewed, who uses  “know what I’m sayin’ ?’”  like a punctuation mark at the end of every sentence.

On top of that, they’re too damned lazy to even pronounce all the syllables  (nome-sane…?)

No, I DON”T know what you’re sayin’… GET A #$%&ING  VOCABULARY! !

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Watching retro TV cartoons, and realizing just how bad Super Friends really is, now that I’m no longer nine years old.

(Wonder Twin Powers….Masturbate Activate! )

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Watching the idiots on the Jackass movie give themselves paper cuts.

(I dare anybody to watch this and not cringe.)

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Cartoons from the 1930′s, and  TV from the 1970′s.

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Remembering my hemorrhoid surgery.    (No, I won’t go there…)

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In the movies, when a 100-lb. chick beats the crap out of a 250-lb villain.  (Yeahhhhright.)

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“Safety lectures” at the workplace, where they try to force you to participate.

“Okay…who among you turns down their thermostat at night to save on heating fuel? ?  Stand up.  C’mon!  Stand up! ….And who here uses the Blue-box to recycle?   Stand up! …C’mon…STAND UP!

Ummm…what GRADE are we in, again?

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Bad Karaoke.  (And therefore,  most of American Idol).

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Donald Trump’s hair.

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Rosie O’Donnel’s head.

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Puppets.  (Not muppets, they’re okay)  …I’m talking about PUPPETS.

Especially from  low-budget TV shows in French,  where the kids’ voices are adults speaking in squeaky tones.

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Workplace drones who speak using the company-assigned acronyms, and sincerely BELIEVE in them.

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Yoko Ono.   Especially here.

(John, was the acid good for you too?)

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Extreme fighting.

(Normally, getting hit in the face with bare fists is something I’d think most people would want to AVOID).

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Having to listen to Jean Chrétien when he was our Prime Minister.  He actually made Dubya sound smart.

Here’s the PROOF.

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Reading a blog post from a Cool Kid that states the no-duh blatantly obvious…Then watching all the wannabees write in how great it was, because it was written by a  Cool Kid.

Canadian Provinces and Territories Described in 10 Words

March 13, 2009

Prince Edward Island
Red Sand. Potatoes.  Beaches.  Anne of Green Gables (enough already!)

Newfoundland
Rock.  North Atlantic.  Fog.  Cod.  Unemployed.  Friendly.  Screech. Tunderin’ Jesus!

New Brunswick
Next to Maine.  Moncton.  Bay of Fundy.  Drive-thru Province.

Nova Scotia.
Halifax. Lobster. Bluenose. Rain. Cape Breton. Fiddle Music. Rita McNeil.

Quebec
Poutine.  Depaneur. Habs.  Labatts 50.  Smoked Meat.  Montreal.  Politics.  Tabernac.

Ontario
Toronto.  Non-Toronto.  Blackflies. Walleye. Lakes.  Cottages.  Big.  Boring.

Manitoba
Prairies.  Winter-peg.  Flat.   Churchill. Polar Bears.  Above North Dakota.

Saskatechewan
Flat.  Yawn.  Wheat.  Flat.  Close to Alberta.  Peaked in 1912.

Alberta
Prairies.  Tar Sands.  Rockies.  Beef.  No sales tax.  Yee-Haw.

British Columbia
Lotus Land. Hippies.  Asians.  Mountains.  Logging.  Spruce-beetles.  Ontario refugees.

Yukon Territory
Bugs.  Klondike Tourists.  Glaciers.  Bugs.  North of 60.  Arctic cold.

NorthWest Territories
Like Yukon, but bigger, more remote, no glaciers, no tourists.

Nunavut
Same as Northwest Territories.  Used to be part of them.

It makes me wonder…

March 12, 2009

…why, for “safety” reasons,  some workplaces insist on announcing the locations of fire exits at each and every meeting.  Even though everyone might work in that building anyway, which they somehow manage to enter and exit on a regular daily basis.

…when a company might blow countless millions on a mismanaged project, and they think they can help make up for this by giving up coffee at meetings.

…why the Safety Nannies will give out instructions on how to wash your hands, wear a hat outside when it’s cold, or eat properly during Christmas.   Yet it will take weeks to fix blatant safety hazards like broken steps or missing railings.

…why the food is cheaper at the restaurant down the road, where they come to your table and serve you, than it is at the company cafeteria.

…when Rocket Scientists come up with corporate acronyms that are 10-letters long, and assume this will make the ten associated buzzwords easier to remember.

…when it’s presumed that using double envelopes to ship a document improves security. (Because we all know that extra layer of paper will be more than enough to thwart any potential bad guys!)

…why Fearless Leaders feel the need to take 40 minutes (instead of 40 seconds) to explain to a room full of engineers the intricate concepts of using blue-boxes to recycle.

…why the air conditioning is still on when it’s 50 degrees outside.   Or the heat is still on when it’s 80 degrees.

…when a six-figure manager will spend $20.00 of their salary collecting old sheets and printing both sides, in order to save save 45 cents worth of paper.

…why they’ll change the name of a department, spending countless thousands of dollars on new letterheads, business cards, documents, etc.   Even though it’s the same people doing the same work as before.

What things do YOU wonder about…?

Contest Winners Announced!

March 10, 2009

Hey kids!

Well, the Big Contest is OVER.   Thanks to everyone who entered and answered my ten deep, meaningful questions.   Or tried to answer just a few.   It’s now time to announce the prizes.

FIRST PRIZE

The grand-prize winner is WRITER DAD, for his original comments. (Sorry, Eyeteaguy.)

It was close, and there were a lot of worthy entries.  But there were two answers that Writer Dad gave, that helped sway the judge’s decision.  First, I loved his favorite Bugs Bunny quote (Eeeeeeh, watch me paste that pathetic palooka with a powerful, pachydermous, percussion pitch!) Spoken like a true fan!  Not to mention he liked that quote because was “alliteration’s bitch”.  (Eloquently put!)

The clincher, though, was adding that his scary blood-thirsty Viking would have boots made of MEAT.   (Dude…I’m speechless…that’s just AWESOME!)  :-D

Writer Dad wins a signed, original, signed Friar Doodle.  Suitable for framing, putting on the fridge, or lining your bird cage with.  Arbitrarily assigned a value of $20.00 $50.00 no, wait…make that $500.00!

Writer Dad will be sent the original artwork shortly (provided I can get his address).

friar-doodle

SECOND PRIZE

The response to this contest was so…um…overwhelming, I decided to add a 2nd prize.  (Though this 2nd prize is a bit more abstract…it’s just electrons…you can’t really hold it in your hand).

The winner is KAREN JL.   For her “sympathetic” views on Céline Dion, Twitter, and Caillou.  (And also repeatedly using her female charms to tease everyone later on…)    Go read the comment thread if you want to know more!  ;-).

Karen wins a BLOG HIJACKING by Brett and Friar.   Valued at  $100.00 $25.00 $1.75.

The two of us will visit a blog of her choice (including her own), leave our patented smart-ass comments, and just take over the discusion.   This is a guaranteed method to increase blog traffic (even though it will be  mostly due to me an Brett).

Lucky, lucky Karen! ;-)

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Now (in the remote chance that anyones’s actually still interested), here are MY answers to my own contest.

If I were in charge of the world, I would _________ Céline Dion.
Send her on a one-way trip to Afghanistan…and let her and the Taliban try to out-yodel each other.

2.  What’s your favorite breakfast cereal, and why?
Cap’n Crunch.  I remember the first time I tried it…I was three (this would have been ~ 1967).  My Dad brought home a box of this strange yellow cereal which I’d never seen before.   I loved the crunchy sweet taste…it made a huge impression on me.  To this day I still like it.     The world may have changed since I was a kid…but the Cap’n still provides the same delicious dependable cereal that never gets soggy.  (Even though it shreds my gums!)

3.  What’s your favorite quote from Bugs Bunny Cartoons, and why?
A toss between Foghorn Leghorn saying “Foh-tunately, I keep my feathuhs numbered, for jest such an Emuh-gency! (I don’t know why, but this sounds so stupid it’s FUNNY!)

Or when the Sherrif of Nottingman is so livid, he repeatedly hits himself on the head with a hammer and screams “Ooooh…I hate myself.  I do!  I do!  I DO !”  (Never had an angier self-destructive villain been shown on a cartoon!)

4.  What’s the snarkiest, meanest thing a cat’s ever done to you?
Climbed up on my chest when I was lying down, purring and asking for affection.  So when I petted the critter, it went batshit and started clawing and biting me. (What an a**-hole…a dog would NEVER play mind-games like that!)

5.  What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen a dumb-ass dog do?
Stand at the fence, and bark “Nee!  Nee!  Nee!”  (I’m writing a kids book about it, in case you didnt’ already know)

6.  Superman is to Kryptonite, as you are to ________.
Legumes.  (ESPECIALLY lima beans, chick peas, and adzuki beans!)  (Shudder…!)

7.  The scariest, blood-thirstiest name imaginable for a Viking Warrior would be   ________.
KyôrPeth the Skull-(censored).

8.   If they had to replace “Aquarius, the Water-Carrier” with another Zodiac Sign, it should be ________.
Clem, the Mailman.  Or Fallopia, the Yoga Instructor.

9.  Give three tips on how to be UN-creative.
Become a Project Manager.   Based your life on what you read from Blogs.  And NEVER watch cartoons.

10.  What’s the most useless blog post you can think (besides this one?)
One of the Cool Kids, blogging about great one of the other Cool Kids is.


Friar’s Tips on How to Improve your Blogging

March 9, 2009

How to be more creative:
- Use your imagination.
- Try new things.
- Do something different.

If you feel tired, try this simple trick:  take a short break.    Once you feel rested, then start working on your project again.   You’ll feel refreshed, and be able to work more efficiently.

If you have urgent deadlines, remember:  do the important things first.  (I know that’s a difficult concept to grasp, but trust me..it works!)

If you find yourself working at too fast a pace, slow down.  It’s important to take time to smell the roses.   You need to balance your life.

Remember, life is like the desert.  It may appear barren and dead on the surface, but hidden within all its nooks and crannies, lie all kinds of wonders for you to discover.

How to fight writer’s block
- Use your imagination.
- Avoid procrastination
- Do something different.
- Try new things.

If you find yourself feeling tired and grumpy, maybe you need to eat.   Remember, it’s important to fuel your body, as well as your mind.   Try to eat non-poisonous food, or snacks that won’t make you sick.  You’ll find it’s much easier that way.

If you find yourself working at too slow a pace, speed up.    It’s important to challenge yourself and meet the goals you’ve set.

Remember, it’s important to breathe to sustain life.   Inhale, to bring oxygen into your lungs.   Exhale, to expel carbon dioxide.  As long as you keep breathing, you’ll keep blogging.

How to Achieve your Goals
- List them
- Assign a due date for each one.
- Complete them.
- And don’t forget to be creative.

Remember, life is like the ocean.  It may appear calm on the surface, but hidden just beneath the surface, lie all kinds of wonders for you to discover.

Tips on Better Blogging
- Be creative
- Try writing about different things
- Use your imagination
-  Set your goals, and achieve them.

If you find yourself feeling crampy and bloated, maybe you need to go potty.   It’s always important to step away from the computer, every once in a while, to address our bodily functions.   An important tip:   don’t forget to wipe your arse, preferably with toilet paper.

Generic Tips on how to Improve your Life
- Be more creative.
- Set your goals.
- Maximize your Effectiveness
- Think for yourself.
- …and STOP trying to find all the answers by reading these God-damned blogs!

I know these things to be true, because Hollywood tells me so.

March 8, 2009

Forget the Middle East.    The only really plausible terrorist threats today come from white supremacist Neo-Nazis.

Gay males must act like the flamboyant, colorful, over-the-top stereotypes they’re always portrayed as.    God Forbid, should they ever behave like boring average everyday Joes.  

Always remember:   Republicans = BAD;   Democrats = GOOD.

If a black and white cop are paired together, the black cop will always be the smarter one.  He’ll teach the white guy a thing or two, and ultimately help him become a better person.

A 110-lb woman will kick the ass of a 220-lb. man, each and every time.    The guy may be bigger and stronger, but she’s quick and knows martial arts.

Speaking of which, everyone in Asia practices kung-fu…everyone!    The mailman,  the gardener,  the  old lady down the street…they all do it.

There are are “secret organizations”  that even the President and the CIA don’t know about, that control the media and run the country.   But all it takes is one individual to expose them, and truth and justice shall prevail.   

Students fail out of college because the preppie kids from the rich fraternities keep conspiring to get them thrown off campus.    Not because maybe they’re stupid and don’t study.

Furthermore, nobody in college ever studies science, math or engineering.   The only lectures that are ever given are artsy-fartsy humanities classes, taught by some pompous English Professor wearing a tweed suit and a bow tie.

Any time a female tries out for a male-dominated elite organiziation (the Navy Seals,  a Pro football team, a police academy, etc.), they never screw up or fail out like the other male candidates.    No….most likely they’ll excel and become the strongest member of the team.

Audiences will truly not be satisfied, until there’s a feature movie based on each and every comic book character from the Marvel and DC universes.

A captive who’s been tied up and unable to move for hours on end can be freed within seconds by a rescuer simply untying one single knot.    The only evidence of any discomfort or cramping, will be for the victim to rub their chaffed wrists for a few seconds, after which they’ll be 100% back to normal.

There’s nothing funnier than a man collapsing in pain after getting hit in the groin.   Everyone cheers when this happens because, well, he’s a MAN…(he probably deserved it!)  

The only purpose of those dry aqueducts on Los Angeles is to serve as a drag strip for car chases.

There’s nothing funnier than to watch middle-aged women talk about their relationships, followed by a musical number where the ladies pretend to dance while lip-synching  some cheesy Mo-Town song.

Any out-of-control object (rock, baseball, toy airplane,etc.) that flies off-screen is guaranteed to hit a cat.   You’ll know this by hearing the sound of broken glass, followed by a  “Meowwrrr!”

About the most times a movie can be made into a sequels is five.  After Part V, then it’s time to start calling them “pre-quels”.

When dogs are upset, they don’t run away in fear with their tail between their legs.     Instead, they cover their eyes with their paws and whimper in a human fashion.    

Whenever kids are travelling at high speeds, in danger of a crash, they always shout out the same thing:   “Whoooooooaaaah!”

In any comedy, the intelligence ranking of the family members are as follows (in decreasing order of IQ):  Mom,  Sis,  Brother, the dog,  and Dad.

Enter Friar’s Contest and Win a Prize

March 4, 2009

Okay,  now for something completely different.

I’m holding a contest.

I’m posting 10 questions.  Answer them, and the most “interesting” entry will win a PRIZE.

And I’m not talking about something abstract or intangible.  It’s not something consisting  of electrons floating around the Internet, that I’ll email to you, and tell you it’s worth a bajillion dollars.

No.  It’s a small, modest prize.   Nothing too spectacular.   But something that you can see and touch.  That you can hold in your hand.  (Providing I get the winner’s address to send it to them).

RULES
There are no rules, except to answer the ten questions.   And they have to be posted here as a comment for everyone to see. (I won’t do emails).

Entries will be accepted until…oh, let’s say, 8:00 AM (Eastern Daylight Time) Tuesday March 10th.    The winner will be announced sometime thereafter.

Hint:  Originality and/or smart-ass humor will weigh heavily on the judge’s final decision.

Without any ado…here goes:

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1.  If I were in charge of the world, I would _________ Céline Dion.

2.  What’s your favorite breakfast cereal, and why?

3.  What’s your favorite quote from Bugs Bunny Cartoons, and why?

4.  What’s the snarkiest, meanest thing a cat’s ever done to you?

5.  What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen a dumb-ass dog do?

6.  Superman is to Kryptonite, as you are to ________.

7.  The scariest, blood-thirstiest name imaginable for a Viking Warrior would be   ________.

8.   If they had to replace “Aquarius, the Water-Carrier” with another Zodiac Sign, it should be ________.

9.  Give three tips on how to be UN-creative.

10.  What’s the most useless blog post you can think (besides this one?)

Okay…now go have fun.  :-)

How to Reduce Morale and Sabotage your own Company

March 2, 2009

Eliminate the communal coffee pot in order to save money.  Then send ten of your senior executives to a cushy four-star resort, as part of a “Team Building” exercise.

Hold a charity event during office hours, but tell your staff they must use their own vacation time if they want to participate.  Then gush to the media how how wonderful your company is for helping out the community.

Schedule meetings during lunch.  Cleverly disguise the fact that you’re making those poor suckers work during their break by calling it a “Lunch-and-Learn”.

At Lunch-and-Learns, it’s especially fun to serve hot pizza.  But have it delivered at noon, and let the food sit there for 40 minutes and get cold before giving anyone permission to eat.

In the interest of saving $20 on a $500,000 budget, exclude a key Project Team Member from a business lunch.  Tell them it’s because “Money is tight.”   Chuckle to yourself as you eat, when you think of them brown-bagging it alone.

Re-invent a procedure so that it now takes twice as long to do the same job.  Then give a 60 minute Powerpoint presentation on why this is a good thing.

Allow selected employees (especially those with children) to work from home when urgent personal matters need attending to.   Do NOT extend this same privileges to single people. (Serves ‘em right, for deciding not to breed!)

Respect and praise your treat your staff in inverse proportion to the education they’ve received (i.e. treat your junior admin staff like royalty, and your PhD’s like crap).

Implement a performance review system, where everyone basically gets the same pay raise, regardless of how well they did.   But make everyone go through the whole procedure anyway, like it actually makes a damned difference.

Treat your salaried staff like hourly workers.  Don’t measure success on what someone actually accomplishes at the end of the day.  (It’s how long they actually sit at their desk that really matters).

Hold a meeting for 4 straight hours, without giving anyone a coffee or bathroom break. (If you can last that long, so can THEY!).

Schedule work-related technical seminars during lunch or after-hours. (If people want to professionally develop, they can do it on their OWN time!).

Remember that “Safety First” dosen’t actually apply for actual safety concerns.    Rather, it’s to provide lip-service to such trivial items like reminding us to wash our hands, or telling us to hold the railing when walking on slippery steps.

The more important a deadline is, the more you must remind the person that it needs to be done ASAP.   And when they finally complete it, extend the due date.

Hold a Christmas Lunch during office hours.  But make people pay for the meal themselves.   And don’t even call it a “Christmas” Lunch.  Use the word “Holiday” instead.   And if people still want to attend, tell them they have to use their own vacation time to go.

“Promote” someone to a position with more responsibility but with no extra pay. Then intimidate and scold them if they have the nerve to ask for a modest salary increase.   Then hire a retiree/contractor at $100 an hour, who’s already collecting a full pension.

If you want to chew someone out, remember to do it in public, in front of their peers.   Now, EVERYONE will know you’re an a-hole, and not just that one person.

Try to keep at least a ten-to-one ratio, when handing out “You screwed up“‘s versus “Atta-boy“‘s.

Assign a new-hire to a mentor who’s known to be socially inept and dysfunctional.   When they can’t get along, blame the newbie.

Hold an afternoon BBQ and “Fun Day” for the summer students, but do nothing for the full-time staff. Then announce in the company newsletter what a great job the students did, and how important they are to the company.

Insult everyones’ intelligence with a lame-ass  presentation (i.e. 45-minute seminar how to put recycled items into the Blue-Box).   Then repeat the same talk, 6 months later.

Never mind micro-management. Try nano-management. Or better yet, pico-management.


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