The Cap’n is losing it

I was in the U.S. last week and I treated myself to Crunch Berry cereal.

This is actually a big deal, if you live in Canada and you’re a cereal fan like I am.

You see, we don’t HAVE Crunch Berries up here.

We USED to…back in the 70’s.  I remember Crunch Berries as a kid: big ~ 3/4 inch bright magenta strawberry-flavored spheres mixed in with the regular Cap’n Crunch Cereal. I used to pick around them, eating the yellow pieces, and saving the Crunch Berries till last.  It was AWESOME!

Then, suddenly, they stopped selling it in Canada.   I can’t remember the last time I had Crunch Berries.  At least 20 years ago.

So last weekend, when I was in Vermont, I bought myself a couple of boxes.  But I couldn’t help but notice a few things.

crunch-capn

First of all, WTF is up with the Crunch Berries?   Now they’re considerately smaller (down to a ~ 1/2 inch diameter).   And they’d added a bunch of colors, including some flaming fluorescent green and blue. (Which, even by junk cereal standards, is kinda pushing it).

And you know what?…it’s NOT the same!

I mean, the cereal is okay…but it’s not like how I remember.  They’ve altered the berry/cereal surface area ratio.  It changes EVERYTHING.   You don’t get that sudden burst of red Crunch Berry flavor with the new smaller berries, than you did with the old larger ones.

Even more disturbing, is look at the Cap’n.   He ain’t quite right.   He looks a manic….The eyes are more buggy and lop-sided.   His smile is now more of a grimace (notice his teeth are showing).  And you can see right down past his tonsils.

He’s CHANGED, man!

If you don’t believe me,  see what he USED to look like, not to long ago.   His smile was gentler, he was more concerned about Trans-Fats, than about “Crunchetizing” us.   (Whatever THAT means!)

capn

This sudden change in personality worries me.   Substance abuse, perhaps?

Is it possible the Cap’n might be tripping on something?  (The Crunch Berries themselves?).  Maybe he needs an intervention with the Trix Rabbit and the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

**************

Sigh.  Why do things have to change?    If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

General Mills, please bring back the old Crunch Berry formula.

Please.

And get the Capn’ some professional help.

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16 Comments on “The Cap’n is losing it”

  1. feefifoto Says:

    Capitaine Crounche.

    Capitaine Crounche.

    Capitaine.

    Crounche.

    Capitaine Capitaine Capitaine.

    CrouncheCrouncheCrounche.

    I’m going to have to repeat it to myself all day long, and maybe half of tomorrow.

  2. Donald Mills Says:

    I’m with you on this…god damned crunch berries were just about perfect and then they go and change them and make the Captain all bug-eyed like a he just Somali pirate climbing aboard the S.S. Crunch.

    Keep things the way they were 40 god damned years ago.

    Thanks

  3. Friar Says:

    @fee
    Well, that’s the benefit of living in Canada. All our food has to come labeled in the two Official Languages.

    Despite how BADLY some things translate in French.

    Captaine CROUNCHE. (Sigh.) :-(

    @Donald
    Heh heh. Somalian Pirate! :-)

    Good one.

  4. Liz Says:

    The newer Captain pic looks like he’s on a sugar high. And he’s obviously wearing false teeth that make his upper lip puff out. :lol: Sometimes “New and Improved” is just “New.”

  5. Mer Says:

    You know how the US has a big drug problem? Yeah, the Captain is on crack. Rehab didn’t help, I guess. ;)

  6. Friar Says:

    @Liz
    False teeth..yeah, that could explain his smile. But those buggy eyes…I think that’s more than just sugar doing that.

    @Mer
    There’s Crank and there’s Crack. Maybe the latest drug is now “Crunch”

  7. XUP Says:

    He’s in upper management now judging by the additional little flappy things on his epaulets. And, we all know, as you climb up the crunch ladder to success, you have to do a lot of bending over the cereal bowl to have your berries crunchetized. That tends to make everyone a little manic.

  8. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    “bending over the cereal bowl to have your berries crunchetized”.

    BWHAHAHAHAH! :-)

    I don’t often literally LOL, but I am now!


  9. Moved up the chain of management, but also he’s old, but has an image to uphold. That means bleaching and capping his teeth, botox, hair implants, face lift … viagra … Geez, Friar, give the old geezer a break!

  10. Friar Says:

    @Panther
    Do you think the Cap’n is trying to go for Admiral, or something?

  11. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Wee Friar,

    I too prefer the original graphics. The Cap’n has a nice pink complextion. He’s looking at a huge bowl of cereal with his large light blue eyes. He’s dorky but he looks like a loveable friendly olde guy. He can’t wait to enjoy a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal in milk.

    On the other hand, the Crunch Berries Cap’n is dominant. He takes over most of the box, whereas the cereal becomes secondary. And what’s with the salute? His bulging unfocused eyes are not looking at the cereal. His left hand, holding the spoon, is huge and swollen. He has no control over his spastic hand; hence, he’s spilling his Crunch Berries all over the place. His complexion is either sunburned or jaundiced. Can his colour be a reaction to the strong dyes in the Crunch Berries? The white stuff in the bowl looks more like Elmer’s Glue than milk. His tongue and uvula really get me. Just try to mimic his expression. Try to show both your upper and lower teeth, your tongue, and uvula all at the same time. One has to be manic to attain that look.

    What really puzzles me is that well-educated adults at the General Mills Advertising Department came up with this not-so-brilliant-idea. Obviously this project had to be approved by the supervisor before it was printed on cereal boxes? These people are so removed from their consumers.

    Methinks perhaps they imbibed or ingested what the Cap’n was using.

  12. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    You’re right..I think the advertising department of General Mills is out of touch with the public.

    You should see the back side of the box. It’s a cartoon that has to do with the Olympics..the Capn’ is overseeing a bunch of kids doing a bunch of different sports.

    And the kids have the same manic expression he does. It’s like everyone is wigging out on something. This ain’t right.

    I blame the blue and green dye. We never had this problem when the Crunch Berries were just magenta.

  13. Robert Says:

    what was capyin’s best saying i cant remember.please help.must have had too many crunch berries

  14. Friar Says:

    @Robert

    I think he sez “Remember, it stays crunchy in milk.”

  15. Tony Says:

    Yah, your 100% right, and they use to be just about the #1 kids choice, then they got rid of them, then changed the berries: they don’t taste the same, and did you notice how hard the new freaky berries are?? Their market share subsequently went to hell: could they not notice, and figure it out?!? I think the exec in charge must of been in Vegas and bet the berries at the tables, no other logic makes since! It was almost as stupid as new coke.

  16. Friar Says:

    @Tony

    Exactly…bring back the pink berries. The big ones.

    Why do they always have to try to “improve” things?


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