Ways we can bring back some natural selection into our environment.

Design Blackberries that explode if they’re used while driving.

Make seat belts and crash-helmets optional.   If it’s good enough for New Hampshire, it should be good enough for the rest of us.  (Hey, Live Free or DIE, right?)

Get rid of school crossing guards.   If the kids need to get to class to learn, one of their first Life Lessons should be to cross the street. (Run, Forrest, Run!)

Replace those useless kindergarten safety-scissors that couldn’t cut limp spaghetti with X-acto knives.   (Kids: if you want to succeed in the Real World, you’re going to have to learn to use the same tools everyone else does).

Ban those lame-ass board games, where “everybody wins”.

Stop doing those repetitive safety announcements on each and every airline flight. (If people are too dumb to find an exit or buckle their safety belt, maybe their genes should be taken out of the pool.)

Import Grizzly Bears to New Zealand, so they have at least ONE major predator down there.

Convince the under-25 tortured intellectual crowd that piercing their skulls is the new “extreme”.    (They’d DO it, too!)

Assign “Do Not Resuscitate” Medic Alert bracelets to English PhD’s and Philosophy majors.

Get rid of child-proof safety caps.  (Parents, it’s up to YOU to keep your kids away from the meds).

Ask Grade Six kids the following:  True or false, the sun revolves around the earth.    If they answer “true”, then BZZZZZ!   Sorry!  Wrong answer!  No college for you!

Distribute peanut-flavored asthma inhalers.  (They probably already do in China).

Stop helping Pandas survive.  (They just don’t seem to want it badly enough).

Let’s bring back the legal sale of M-80 Firecrackers.

Make bungee jumpers responsible for tying their own bungee cords to their feet.

Legalize cocaine, just to see who’d be stupid enough to use it.

As I’ve said once before, teach chimps how to use firearms, give them guns, then release them back into the wild.

You want a REALLY scary amusement park ride?  Put 100 people on a roller coaster, and make it so that one person will randomly die each time.  (Don’t laugh…I bet people would line up for it!)

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34 Comments on “Ways we can bring back some natural selection into our environment.”

  1. Era Says:

    That’s a great list. I really enjoyed it.

  2. Friar Says:

    @Era

    Let’s just hope the Mommy-Bloggers don’t come bashing down my door with pitchforks and torches!


  3. Awesome. Felt like you were channeling George Carlin, especially with the last one.

    I got another one, outlaw orange hunting vests. Would make hunting a bit more fair, or at least interesting.

  4. Friar Says:

    Heh! That’s a good one. :-)

    Maybe have camouflage hunting vests.

    If you’re too stupid to NOT shoot your friend, then you both shouldn’t be hunting.

  5. Patricia Says:

    Oh this gave me a laugh and I thank you for that.
    Nice to be back in the blog world I know and love – those Clergy types are really boring and their jokes…oh my! but they do so love to hear themselves talk!

  6. Liz Says:

    Your humor is truly wicked; I love it!


  7. Only one I have a problem with is the one about the Sun revolving around the Earth. Statistically, I think folks without college educations have more kids, so in a few generations, 90% of the population would think the Earth was the center of the universe.

    Just shoot ‘em instead.

  8. seanmp1 Says:

    “You want a REALLY scary amusement park ride? Put 100 people on a roller coaster, and make it so that one person will randomly die each time. (Don’t laugh…I bet people would line up for it!)”

    Holy CRAP that was funny.

  9. Brett Legree Says:

    Grizzly bears in NZ… heh heh

    We sort of already did that though when Europeans started settling there.

    They brought cats – yep, just cats – and something like 1/3 of the birds there at the time nested on the ground because there was nothing around to eat them!

    So you can guess what happened…

    I imagine the grizzly bears would have the same effect on humans – just ask people from BC!

  10. Hannah Says:

    I agree with all of your suggestions, except for the panda one. What did those poor, cute-but-deadly beasts every do to you? LOL

  11. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Forget natural selection, how about random selection. Ship a sniper rifle to 100 random people. Give them $1,000,000 for each confirmed kill done a 1,000 yards.

    Yeah, that’ll keep the human race hopping…..and weaving for that matter.

    Eyetea*pow*…

  12. Friar Says:

    @Patricia
    Sure, the Blog World you know and love is warm and fuzzy, but sooner or later, you’ll have to come back up for air, back to the Real World. ;-)

    @Liz
    Yeah…I have a bad attitude. Someone needs to give me a good talking to! :-)

    @Aylad
    Shoot ‘em? Dude. That’s HARSH. Instead, maybe we can bombard them with more video games and Facebook, so they’ll be too pre-occupied to procreate.

    @Sean
    Heh heh. I’m pretty sure you’d have people bashing down the gates to line up for this ride. Especially the young males

    When you come to think of it, it’s not more stupid than climbing Mount Everest. (Which probably has a mortality rate > 1%).

    @Brett
    Or what about the idiot who wanted all the birds mentionned in the works of Shakespeare to be in Central Park in NY City.

    As a result, a few starlings were brought over in the late 1800′s. Now there are millios in North America and they’re taking over the other native birds’ habitat.

    Did you know earthworms were also brough over here, from Europe?

    @Hannah
    Oh, I got nothing against Panda Bears. But they just seem to be going towards extinction without much of a kick and fuss. They should be fighting back more, instead of lying around eating bamboo shoots. :-)

  13. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy
    Yeah. But would you put a cap on their salary? (What if they got really good at killing people?). How many million dollar bounties can society afford?

    And how would you hide these snipers? What if our neighbour was suddenly a multi-millionaire for no apparent reason? People would get supsicious, and maybe burn down the guys’ house and take him out. All rich people would be mistrusted. There would be Anarchy and chaos.

    But then again, that’s probably what you want.

  14. Karen JL Says:

    Just make it so Z-List “celebrities” get killed off at the end of their super-lame-ass-I’m-a-hasbeen reality shows instead of voted off.

    Please.

  15. Friar Says:

    @Karen JL

    Does that include Cathy Griffin?

    Please say it does. PLEASE.

  16. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    “Design Blackberries that explode if they’re used while driving.”

    ROFL. You so rock.

    Regards,

    Kelly

    P.S. Swine flu may be taking care of Delaware. But we’ll keep your suggestions on the shelf for later.

  17. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    That Blackberry thing would have killed off half our managers, by now.

  18. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Friar,

    You didn’t think the Blackberry thing through.

    If the BB explodes, it will cause the user/driver to lose control of the car, and posibly cause a fatal collision with another car. If this happens at rush hour, it could cause a chain reaction with dozens of cars.

    It’s not fair to innocent people.

  19. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom
    Well, that’s the risk I’m willing to take. ;-)

  20. XUP Says:

    All very ROLF-worthy to be sure; except I didn’t get the one about the medic alert bracelets and English PhDs. What’s that all about? Are you implying that English scholars are brain dead? Philosphers, yes; but English scholars? I think I might have to drag out the FR Leavis and Northrup Frye to help you understand the value of literary criticism in today’s deconstructionist world

  21. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I think we should also take away hand sanitizer and taps in bathrooms. A little flu and colds might weed out the weak ones.

    Also couple this with encouraged nose picking, get those viruses right up there with the added benefit of smearing themover door handles, keyboards and phones.

    Heh, heh, *cough*

    Eyeteaguy

  22. Friar Says:

    @XUP
    English Scholars = Should not propogate their genes.

    What purpose to they serve our society, other than inventing words words hardly anyone uses, like “deconstructionist”.

    @Eyeteaguy
    No…actually we should KEEP hand sanitizers. Because then it will encourage superbugs to grow that resist antisepectics…which is good natural selection not only for the the microbes, but for the humans as well (which the microbes will attack!)

    That way, you get a two-fer.

  23. XUP Says:

    Splutter…splutter… English majors read all the stupid books written hundreds of years ago that no one else will read. Isn’t THAT an important contribution?

  24. Kelly Says:

    XUP,

    Not only is it an important contribution, but I for one (former English major) have already done a bit of gene-propagation. There’ll be someone around to appreciate Macbeth’s “Tomorrow” soliloquy in the next generation. :)

    Friar,

    Nyah nyah. So there.

    Later,

    Kelly

  25. Friar Says:

    @XUP
    The purpose of English majors is to become English teachers, in order to generate more English majors.

    So, like a virus that propagates itself, yes, I suppose that IS an important contribution.

    (To the virus, that is).

    @Kelly
    Heh heh. I KNEW some of my readers were from the Liberal Arts. (And that I’d catch a bit of flack for this!) ;-)

    PS. Outside of English class…WHO reads MacBeth?

    Has ANYONE read MacBeth, just for fun, if they didn’t have to?

  26. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Ah, you didn’t rile me up, I just couldn’t let you get out of it too easily.

    My kid has been able to do that soliloquy since she was three. Sooooo cute. (And oddly—it’s an odd house—I didn’t teach it to her. I just do the speech whenever somebody gives me hogwash about what they’re going to do “tomorrow.” Kinda like accusing someone of having Someday Syndrome. She picked it up from hearing me do it.)

    ‘Course she hasn’t read the play yet, but we’ll get there.

    I read ‘em, watch ‘em performed, and yeah, I find Shakespeare FUN.

    You’d have liked him. He was a crusty, raunchy dude, trying to get his numbers up in some funky ways. He’d be a fan of The Deep Friar’s, too.

    Shakespeare would definitely be blogging, too. :)

    Until later,

    Kelly

  27. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Engineers are made fun of all the time, but we don’t really get upset, because we KNOW we’re damned good!

    English Majors, on the other hand, get so defensive!

    Heh heh.

    (That’s why they’re so much fun to rile up!) ;-)

  28. Donald Mills Says:

    Ha. Great list Friar.

    The last person to read MacBeth for fun died in 1643. He committed suicide right after reading it.

  29. Friar Says:

    @Don

    Well, that’s what I was trying to get at, but Kelly is telling me otherwise.

    I hope her kid doesn’t get to deeply involved in MacBeth…you wouldn’t want the poor child to become too depressed or anything!

  30. Kelly Says:

    Macbeth = Harry Potter for the seveneteenth century. Shakespeare had the goods.

  31. Kelly Says:

    … seventeenth…

    My typing got away from me.

  32. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Bet you more Harry Potter books have gotten sold, than all of Shakespeares’ plays. ;-)

  33. Kelly Says:

    Bet you NOT A SOUL will read Harry Potter in four hundred years.

    ^^
    . .
    ^
    o

  34. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    No, because by then, Harry Potter will become “Late 20th Century Western Classic Literature”, and then English Teachers will force reluctant high school students to read it.

    Just like ol’ Billy today. :-)


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