How to Keep a Positive Outlook on Life

bright-side

You lose your job.
Look on the bright side.   Now you can learn to live off less.   You’ll become less materialistic.  It might make you a better person.

You’re sitting on the toilet with the stomach flu, and it’s coming out both ends.
Look on the bright side.   This is a great way to lose those extra pounds.

You need knee surgery, and you wont’ be able to run or ski or do any sports for six months.
Look on the bright side.  Now you can take up non-impact activities like Yoga or Tantric Origami.   Ommmmmmmm.

A deer jumps in front of your car and totals it.
Look on the bright side.  Now you have enough venison to last for months.  And Bambi will get to learn to fend for himself.

You’re going through a messy divorce.
Look on the bright side.  At least you won’t be arguing over who should leave the toilet seat up.  (Or down).

Global warming is melting the ice caps.
Look on the bright side.   Now the Polar Bears will have an opportunity to improve their swimming skills.

Iran and North Korea are  trying to develop nuclear weapons
Look on the bright side.   At least they’re learning something new.  Good for them!

When we run out of petroleum, society as we know it will break down into anarchy and chaos.
Look on the bright side.   Now we can make use of that survival cabin out in the woods.  It will be just like one big camping trip.  (S’mores, anyone? )

You’re a paraplegic
Look on the bright side.   You still have your arms.

You’re a quadriplegic
Look on the bright side.  At least you have your mind,

You’re a quadriplegic with brain damage
Look on the bright side, at least you have a nice set of teeth.   And people still love you.

You’re a quadrupalegic with brain damage and gum disease.  And everyone you know has been killed in a horrible bus crash.
Okay…I give up!  ….You’re SCREWED!

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43 Comments on “How to Keep a Positive Outlook on Life”

  1. Karen JL Says:

    Are you drunk?

  2. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    No…quite sober.

    The drunk part is later this week, when Brett comes over for a few brew.

  3. Karen JL Says:

    Well, you’re being a little insensitive to unemployed, divorced, car-less quadriplegics with brain damage, gum disease, bum knees and the flu.

    Just sayin’.

  4. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Well, except for the divorce or the para/quadriplegic thing, I’ve lived through pretty much all these things myself.

    The jobless part and bum knees, several times, in fact.

    My apologies, though, to the quadriplegics who are brain-damaged with gum disease who lost all their friends. ;-)

  5. Karen JL Says:

    “Always look on the bright side of life. Do. Dee do. Dee do dee do dee do…” ;)

  6. Kyddryn Says:

    Tantric origami? Wow, the mental pictures THAT conjures up…

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  7. Kelly Says:

    Karen,

    Thanks for clearing that up, I too was wondering. :/

    Friar,

    The nice thing about the divorce (if you’re a woman) is that it’ll do all those good things that being jobless does for you, without the pain of having to lose your job. It’s a twofer.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  8. Liz Says:

    Feed us crap one day and then give us instructions on how to blow sunshine up our butts. I want pictures if you start wearing sandals and a toga. :wink:

    Does Junior know what you’re doing? OMG :lol:

  9. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Wee Friar,

    I just recently watched Polyanna, a 60s movie with Halley Mills, Jane Wyman, Carl Malden. Your take on life is so much like hers.

    The last part was very insensitive. I suggest you omit it. I would not want a quadraplegic to see your post.

  10. Brett Legree Says:

    I’m not sure if Friar was drunk or sober when he wrote this, although I have a feeling that the beers we had the night before may have inspired this a bit ;)

  11. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    TWO Python references in a row! (Are you on a roll?)

    Kyddryn
    Tantric Origami works really well, when combined with PMS Herbal Tea. :-)

    @Kelly
    Well, my whole point here was that some things in life suck…and sure, it’s easy to be “positive” with words, but in practice, it ain’t’ so easy.

    Maybe my humor was too harsh. Oh well.

    @Liz
    No danger in me wearing sandals and a toga. We got people in California who do that.

    PS. Junior didn’t mind. He was just so delighted to see a Unicorn blow rainbows out its arse.

    @Friar’s Mom
    WHAT…were doing watching that sappy old movie? It could do damage to your pancreas, you know.

    As for that last part. I re-iterate: I apologize to quadruplegics with brain damanage and gum disease who have lost all their friends.

    If you were in their situation, what would you suggest they do, to look on the bright side?

  12. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Yes…thank you. It’s YOUR fault.

    You came over for beerz, and we joked around about this. Yeah…that’s it. YOUR fault. ;-)

    What shall we talk about THIS Thursday?

  13. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Perhaps I sounded offended. It cracked me up, actually.

    (Well, y’know, except the last part where you went too far, sez your Mom.)

    There really is no other sane way but to look at crap situations with humor, is there? And you’ve got a great sense of humor.
    :)

    Until later,

    Kelly

  14. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    Oh, I’m sure we’ll think of something to talk about…

    In the mean time, I have an idea for the quadriplegics with brain damage and gum disease who have lost all their friends.

    If they want to look on the bright side, I suggest that they start taking LSD.

    That way, they’ll start seeing things that look just like your cartoon picture at the top, including unicorns that fart rainbows :)

    And they’ll forget all about their worries…

  15. Friar Says:

    @Kelly and Friar’s Mom

    I encourage my readers to voice their opinions. That’s what blogging is all about.

    But if I start censoring myself, if I start omitting and removing parts of my blog, after the fact, that someone might find offensive, that would change the whole Deep Friar.

    My Gitchi Manitou post, for example. I think one of my funniest ever. Everyone liked it, except for one person who accused me of being racist,because the Catholic Church had abused natives in the past, and they falsely thought I was poking fun at them.

    Or people yelling at me for making fun of Bob Dylan. Sure, Bob Dylan isn’t a life-or-death serious topic. But the commenters still got pretty mad and offended.

    And Lord knows, I’ve poked fun at seniors before. And Office Managers. And other bloggers. Maybe I should stop writing about that too..lest I offend THEM.

    Sigh. The way today’s going I think I give up.

    I’m going to send myself to my room and give myself a time-out.

    @Brett

    I think I could use some LSD today myself.

  16. Kyddryn Says:

    Sugar, I actually snorted when I read this. Snorted. In a most unladylike fashion.

    But then…perhaps I have a somewhat grim sense of humor. After all, when my Aunt D learned she had pancreatic cancer and told the family, my first response was to say (to a woman who adores being in the sun all day) “Well, at least you don’t have to worry about sunscreen any more!”

    Yes. Yes, I did. She snorted. Very unladylike.

    You have my permission to harsh on fat chicks if you like…although we’re not much of a challenge, there’s plenty of material to work with in a fifty-acre ass (heh).

    Also…PMS tea? Bleh! I prefer my psychosis in its pure form, unadultereted by herbs or medications. Embrace the crazy! Wheeeee!!!

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  17. Friar Says:

    @Kyydryn

    I’m glad you “get” my sense of humor. It seems to have rubbed some people the wrong way.

    Oh well, what they say. Different Strokes, for Different Folks.

    By the way, if I made fun of fat chicks, that would be the proverbial pot calling the kettle black.

    (I dont’ exactly have washboard abs myself!)

  18. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Embrace the crazy, I hear ya loud and clear.

    I like Friar, he don’t dance around other people feelings.

    And all the funniest comedians in the world make fun of some segment of the population, Chris Rock, (blacks), Eddie Izzard (transvestites), Sienfeld (jews), Robin Williams…. everybody else.

    That’s why its funny, because we are not supposed to laugh.

    Anyway, I’m glad there were no pictures of poop today.

    Eyeteaguy

  19. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    THe message I’m getting, is that it’s okay to make fun of oppressive dictators who threaten millions of people with nuclear weapons.

    Or it’s okay to make fun of Mankind’s potential affect on climate, and how it might contribute to a global ecological catastrophe.

    Or it’s okay to make fun of the breakdown of society and civilization as we know it, where people have to run and hide in the woods.

    But poke fun of a hypothetical extremely unlucky handicapped person (who probably dosen’t even exist)

    …and THAT’s crossing the line!

    (Maybe next time, I should have stuck to pictures of Poop.)

  20. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    THe message I’m getting, is that it’s okay to make fun of oppressive dictators who threaten millions of people with nuclear weapons.

    Or it’s okay to make fun of Mankind’s potential affect on climate, and how it might contribute to a global ecological catastrophe.

    Or it’s okay to make fun of the breakdown of society and civilization as we know it, where people have to run and hide in the woods.

    But poke fun of a hypothetical extremely unlucky handicapped person (who probably dosen’t even exist)

    …and THAT’s crossing the line!

    (Maybe next time, I should have stuck to pictures of Poop.)

  21. Eyeteaguy Says:

    No one knows who you are. And I ain’t telling. Offend away my good man.

    Damned quadrupalegics with brain damage and gum disease who have no friends because everyone they knew was been killed in a horrible bus crash. They are a bunch of no goods anyway. Can’t hold down a job, are lousy family men and never pay their taxes on time. A drain on the system I say.

    Let’s organize a march, it seems like the right thing to do.

    Eyeteaguy

  22. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    I never do my taxes on time either.

    But that’s just me….

  23. Kelly Says:

    See, now, I write an extra line to explain that I liked the post and thought it was funny, and I get misunderstood worse.

    Pass the LSD, dude.

    Never, NEVER censor yourself.

    (Brett–is this that body-language thing again?)

  24. Brett Legree Says:

    Kelly,

    Yep – this is that body-language thing again.

  25. XUP Says:

    I reckon if quadriplegics with brain damage and gum disease who have lost all their friends are reading your blog, then there’s still hope for them because if they can read your blog then they can also read other, helpful, uplifting blogs. And after blogs, perhaps they can venture into the world of Facebook and make friends and internet dating and find love and e-businesses and get a job and Craigslist to find a helper monkey and then all will be well.

  26. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Oh, don’t worry. I’m okay… ;-)

    @XUP

    Heh heh. A helper monkey. Just like on the Simpsons where Homer gets one an it becomes fat and lazy just like him.

    Didn’t know you could find those on Craiglist.

  27. Mer Says:

    I was feeling kinda sad for the polar bears, but then I thought about Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom and how Marlin Perkins and his buddy Jim would hunt ‘em down and tranquilize ‘em with darts and install orange water wings on their forepaws and then run like heck for the helicopter because the polar bears woke up faster than they were supposed to and Jim almost lost a leg. So I guess that’s OK.

    But yeah, the gum-diseased quadriplegic with brain damage might not realizing all his friends were dead, so that’s sad, but he’s less miserable what with the not knowing. It would be sad anyway, though. Anyone who loses all his friends is SCREWED.

    Mer, nature watcher and philosopher

  28. Friar Says:

    @Mer

    There are conflicting stories, actually. Some Govt. officials say the polar bears are endangered.

    But the Inuit (who actually LIVE and HUNT up there) have been saying there’s more Polar Bears now than there have been in decades.

    http://www.smalldeadanimals.com/archives/005307.html

    I always wondered WTF Marlin Perkins ever did in Wild Kingdom. Jim did all the real work and Marlin would just stand back and watch. Or narrate the story from his cheesy wood-panelled office.

  29. Brett Legree Says:

    In another 6.5 billion years or so, the Sun will run out of fuel and turn into a red giant with a diameter just a bit bigger than that of Earth’s orbit…

    …at which point we’ll all be vapourized, you, me and the quadriplegics…

    Look on the bright side. All of your problems will seem very minor at that point!

    Now, where was that LSD?

  30. Karen JL Says:

    I still think you’re drunk.

    (Even if you’re at work right now.)

  31. Brett Legree Says:

    Well, I’m not sure if I’m *drunk*, but I just saw a rainbow-farting unicorn fly past my window…

    Atomic radiation, no doubt.

  32. Patricia Says:

    Friar,
    My tour of Scotland was just canceled…via phone – my first contact with the outside world this morning…I turned on the computer and came right to your website to laugh and enjoy the creative minds here…now I am going to yell and scream at the tour people and then make lemonade…cause it took me 20 years to get enough funds to do this trip and I will not have it ruined…even by a bus crash.

  33. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    But before the sun bloats into a big red giant..where it just STARTS getting bigger, there will be a golden age, where Canada will be warm like Hawaii and it will be awesome to live here.

    Probably in only 1-2 billion years.

    @Karen
    Drunk? Who…Me? Or Brett?

    (Ahhh…you probably mean both of us).

    Now…if you excuse me, I gotta go snort some pixie-fairy dust.

    (Those pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers won’t just materialize by themselves!)

    @Patricia

    Sorry to hear about your trip. Can you use the money you saved for another kind of trip instead?

  34. Karen JL Says:

    I meant you.

    But apparently Brett has some ‘drunk guilt’ going on or something. So, fine. BOTH of you. ;)

    I need a drink…

  35. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    I can’t wait 1-2 billion years, that’s why I want to move where it’s warmer :)

    @Karen,

    Drunk guilt? Who me?

    (*passes Karen a drink*)

  36. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Yes, I’m drunk with the JOY I feel at sitting at a desk pushing electrons around a computer screen.

    Seriously, I need a drink right now too…or I need to sit in a canoe and meditate and talk with the fish).

    @Brett
    1-2 billion years, aint’ so bad.

    Once you get past the first 500 million, the years just seem to fly by.

  37. Patricia Says:

    Thanks for you kind words Friar, I just emailed Andy Hayes who writes on Someday Syndrome a great deal and is a travel writer who lives in Edinburgh to see if we might develop our own walking tour of Scotland. I am feeling like I am making lemonade and the bus hit has moved on…
    I could use a drink…

    Andy and I were going to have a drink in Edinburgh on 27th of July to celebrate Alex F.’s birthday…

    I guess I could use one now too! I promise I will not drive!

  38. Friar Says:

    @Patricia

    Well, you can “look on the bright side” like I just did with this post. (heh heh). ;-)


  39. Tantric origami? I am so going to look that up.

  40. Patricia Says:

    Friar
    the bright side…that is why I came directly here did not pass go I came directly here to find the bright side!

  41. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    But..but…but the story goes so well with your post!

    Unfortunately, those were members of the last administration talking. They didn’t have a very good record including actual science in policy. It was mostly about ideology. :( The last Interior Inspector General issued a report saying that one of the deputies tainted decisions with her agenda and the woman had to resign. That administration even had a guy in charge of the FDA, I think it was, who was the author of several books, including How Jesus Cared for Women, in which he writes glowingly of a woman experiencing vaginal hemorrhaging who chose to ask her pastor to pray for her rather than undergo medical treatment, and Stress and the Woman’s Body, in which he prescribes prayer as treatment for everything from menstrual cramps to cancer. I ended up joining Union of Concerned Scientists (and I was already a member of AU for Separation of Church and State) because of science being ignored under Bush. I’m not against different ideas in terms of science, but this was about religious beliefs.

    Sorry to get all political on you. If the people quoted had been Canadian, I might have put more trust in their science. I understand that they could have an agenda, too, but I don’t know about one because I’m not Canadian and I don’t follow your politics as much as I do the USA’s.

    Mer

  42. Friar Says:

    @Urban Panther
    Yeah…heh heh. I suspect Janice will come by sooner or later and give me an earful over that.

    @Patricia
    That’s what more people need to do. Like you, they should come read my blog. ;-)

    @Mer
    Well, that’s the same in Canada. The PhD’s working for the govt. came up with ideas that the polar bears were in danger, while the actual natives who live there and who see things first-hand everyday said otherwise. (And of course, the scientists like to think they’re right…the locals must be wrong!)

    Our politics are much like yours, but more diluted. Our “Right wing” and “left wing” are almost the same, with minor differences.

    But Rush Limbaugh would probably get burned at the stake over here. ;-)

  43. Mer Says:

    But Rush Limbaugh would probably get burned at the stake over here.

    That might be worth emigrating for! :D

    Mer


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