The World as we’d know it, if the PC-Granola-Crunchers had their way.

Halloween is canceled for being insensitive and misogynistic. (After all, weren’t women burned at the stake as witches in the 1600′s?).  Therefore, it’s  not appropriate to have little girls dress up in costumes and trivialize this travesty of history.   Plus the monster costumes and ghosts invoke images of violence and fear.

Instead, we’ll have a Post-Equinox Celebration, where trick-or-treaters dress up in gender-neutral earth-toned jumpsuits.  Nobody goes door-to-door and asks for candy, though.    It rots the teeth, and leaves a huge carbon footprint.   Instead, kids will ask for contributions to be made in the name of their favorite charity.  (Now…WON’T that be FUN?)

Anybody who dares mention the “C” word (related to December 25th) will be sent to re-education camp, and have that offensive word erased from their memory by frontal lobotomy.  Any decorations invoking images of the “C-word” shall be destroyed.   Even red-and-green decor is considered inappropriate.    Instead, people will be encouraged to decorate their homes with wheat-grass and play the pan flute while sipping decaf Mango-Chutney herbal tea.

Every mountain peak will have a paved road to the top and will be wheelchair-accessible.  This way, everyone gets an equal chance to enjoy mountaineering, not just the fully-abled climbers.  (Actually, they way things are going in the lower 48, seems we’re halfway there already).

Nobody in North America will be allowed to have any more kids, until each and every unwanted child in African and Asia is adopted and accounted for.  Voluntary suicide is highly encouraged, to help save Mother Earth and reduce your carbon footprint.   You can do this at the nearest Govt. VEB’s (Voluntary Extinction Booths), where you will be dispatched, and your body is dried, mulched, and spread as compost on organic Adzuki-bean farms.

Schools will no longer grade the students, because report cards create an oppressive atmosphere of competition, which is stressful to the less-genius children. Instead of A’s, B’s and F’s, every child will receive an “EW”.  (“Everybody Wins”).

In fact, teachers are no longer required, because this is just an artifact of our male-dominated Euro-centric society.    Insated, the children will be left alone in a classroom, to teach themselves what they FEEL like learning.  Whenever they chose to.

Websters Dictionary will be re-written, to eliminate all words with “his”.   (In Statistics 101 class, for example, histograms will now be known as “their-o-grams”.)

Protest groups will demand Prison Equity.  It’s not fair that most convicted felons are male.  The ratio should be 50-50.   In order to equalize the numbers, many women receive harsh 10-15 year sentences for minor offenses like littering or parking violations.

Synagogues will be obliged to have prayer mats, in case anyone might show up and want to pray to Mecca.  By the same token, mosques will have offer kosher food to anyone who wants it.   But there will be a nation-wide ban on pork products for  all sausage vendors.

You can no longer discriminate against a job candidate because of race, sex, age, skills, education, attitude, body odor, or shoe size.   In fact, it will be against the law if you interview someone and NOT hire them.

The Air-Force will be forced to re-design the canopies of their fighter jets and provide custom-made helmets, to accommodate all manner of the religious head-gear in their pilots.

Everyone will walk, run, jump, swim, read, cycle, kayak and hope to raise a trillion dollars to cure every disease known to mankind.   Only there’s no money to left to collect, because everyone’s been too busy running, jumping, swimming, reading, cycling or kayaking.

Ultra-Vegans will try to find a way to survive without eating anything that came from any living organism (including veggies, yeast, and mold).   Surprisingly, they all die off and the initiative fails.

The term “secretary” is considered offensive, as is “administrative assistant” and “administrative professional”.    From now on, these people must be called “Super-Phd Senior Ultra-Management Administrative Alpha-Level Team Professional Leaders”.

Children will be required to wear a helmet any time there’s a weather alert threatening heavy rain or snow.    And no sunblock less than SPF 30,000 will be allowed.

Whales will be given their own sovereignty, as part of the Whale Nation.   They will become  Citizens of the World, spreading their whale-calls of hope and joy to the rest of the planet.  We’ll award them damages for the abuses they received in the past century.  They’ll be given a seat in the United Nations, though it will actually be a huge aquarium, and will take up half the UN assembly hall.

The whales will sit there going  “MMMMUUUUUU MUUUUU”  the whole time, but nobody will able to understand them.   (Except the Togo delegates, for some strange reason).

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