Friar’s Zodiac Signs Revisited

A while ago, I posted some new Zodiac signs.    But I’m afraid they’ll all wrong.

You see, I hadn’t taken into account that Pluto has been demoted to a “dwarf planet“.   I also hadn’t allowed for the other recently-discovered dwarf planets. (Like Eris, which is even bigger than Pluto).

And of course you realize, since astrology is an exact (snicker) science,  that changes EVERYTHING.

So, after many intricate calculations and consulting countless star-charts, without any further ado…here is the new, updated Zodiac.

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Chocolate (January 1 – January 30)

You display many personalities.  You can be hard and bitter, or soft and sweet.  You’re a team player, often joining with others of equal substance, to create a winning combination.  But many prefer you on your own, just as you are.   You tend to be very popular, especially with the ladies.
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The Stapler (February 1 – March 7th)

You’re basic, old-school, and often under-appreciated, but sorely missed if you’re not around. Others appreciate how you bring order into chaotic situations.  Your strength lies in your gathering the sum of the parts, and assembling them into one cohesive whole.
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The Labrador  (March 8th – April 1st)

You’re hyper.  You’re clumsy.  You’re messy.   And you often stick your nose where it doesn’t’ below.  Despite this, you’re lovable in your own goofy way.  You want to be everyone’s best friend, and you’re  great with kids.
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The Vacuum Cleaner (April 2nd – May 14)

You’re fastidious, you don’t like messes, but you have high aspirations.  Just remember to take in the good, and filter out the bad.  Otherwise, things could really start to suck.   Stay away from the Labrador, you two are incompatible.
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Ice  (May 15- June 8 )

You’re cold, frigid and brittle, but your presence is often found to be refreshing.   And all it takes is for someone to show you some warmth and compassion, and you’ll melt in their hands.  Try to team up with Kool-Aid, you go well together.
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Lego (June 9 – July 10)

You’re a colorful sort.  Multi-faceted and you do well in groups.  You will loyally stick with your team-mates.  The only downside is that your thinking tends to be linear:  you don’t’ like to cut corners or round things off.   But if you apply yourself, there’s no limit to how big you can grow.
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Kool-Aid (July 11 – August 21)

(Oh yeah!)  You’re colorful and vibrant.   You put on a good show, even though there’s not that much substance to you.  Everyone likes you, though adults won’t admit it.   But your sweet personality guarantees you’ll be a big hit with the kids.
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Bubble-Wrap (August 22 September 10)

You’re a protective sort, acting as a cushion against the harsh realities of life.   Your only downfall is that others will often take advantage of your generous nature.  They’ll keep applying pressure until you literally reach the breaking point.   Be careful not to let this happen too often, or you’re lose your identity.
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The Hot Wheel (September 11 – October 15)

When properly guided, you fly through obstacles with speed and vigor.   But you often run off course, and that’s when things tend to derail.   Just stay true to your course,  try keep things on track, and you’ll do fine.
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The Spatula (October 16-November 18)

You’re always prying into other people’s business, and constantly making things topsy-turvy.  But you also show an impenetrable, impervious side.  Nothing sticks to you.  It’s almost like you’re made of Teflon or something.
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Neon (November 19 – December 5th)

Inert, and gassy.  Noble and aloof. You’re a loner, you dont’ like to join up with others.   But if someone sparks your attention, you’ll light up the room with your brilliant presence.
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Mud (December 5th – December 30th)

You’re extremely down-to-earth.  Uptight people try to avoid you at all costs.   Others, especially the young, will seek you out and embrace you with glee.  Either way, you’re omnipresent: it’s difficult to imagine life without you.   You’re extremely compatible with the Labrador.

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