Foods You’re Supposed to Feel Guilty About Eating
McDonalds (or any Fast-Food, basically)
Okay…putting the fact aside that you’re killing one of God’s creatures by eating animal flesh…
OMG…did you see Supersize Me? The dude ate nothing but McDonalds for 2 days, and his liver self-combusted! Seriously!
That junk is just grease and fat. You shouldn’t eat it…ever, ever, EVER.
Not to mention they’re cutting down rain forests to raise the beef for these large corporations.
For every Big Mac you buy, 10 more species become extinct.
Enjoy. I hope you can live with yourself. Tree-killer.
a
Cold Cuts
Full of sodium and nitrates and chemicals. Forget what Jared says. Deli meats are BAD for you.
Hang your head in shame, if you were going to eat a Sub.
a
Store-Bought Soup
So you think maybe you can avoid greasy burgers or sub sammitches, and eat more healthy by having some soup, instead?
Guess again. It’s full of enough sodium to kill a horse.
All soup is bad, bad BAD. (Unless you spend 12 hours cooking it yourself, over a hot stove…so long as it’s salt-free).
A
Eggs
Cholesterol. Bad. Duh.
a
Yogurt
Ooh. You have to be careful. A lot of it has FAT. Make sure you avoid those like the plague.
Try to be like those 80-lb ladies on the TV commercials. If they get the munchies, they’re perfectly happy with the fat-free, flavour-free yogurt, served in thimble-sized containers.
a
Chocolate
Well, not all of it is Free-Trade. So every time you buy that Hershey Bar, you’re probably exploiting a child laborer in Guatemala.
For SHAME! You oughta be wearing a hair shirt, for what you’ve just done.
Not to mention, it has fat and sugar, which is BAD for you.
If you absolutely MUST….permit yourself one square of dark, unsweetened chocolate, once a month, whether you deserve it or not.
(I know that’s decadent, but hey, what’s the point of life if you can’t enjoy the finer things?)
a
White Bread
Yes, I know you loved Wonder Bread as a kid. But that stuff is basically poison, what with it being full of bleached flour and formaldehyde.
Plus it will send your glycemic index through the roof. I’m surprised our parents weren’t charged with child abuse for feeding it to us.
The only bread you should eat is whole-wheat. Preferably 24-grain. Even better, if there are pieces of wheat chaff and prairie dirt stuck in the dough.
Yum.
a
Salmon
Well, now you have to be careful about that too.
If it’s the farmed kind, they’ve been shown to be harmful to the wild stocks. And if it’s wild, they’re being overfished and you shouldn’t be eating them.
Best to stay away from salmon altogether, to be safe.
A
Fish in General
The worlds oceans are being depleted. So stay away from endangered fish, like red tuna, sea bass, orange roughy, monkfish, two-fish, red-fish, blue-fish…
And crustaceans and shellfish…well, they’re full of toxins too.
If you MUST have seafood, go the beach, and skim some algae off the rocks.
a
Iceberg Lettuce
I know it’s crunchy, but it’s mostly water and has almost no nutritional value. C’mon. You KNOW you can do better.
Next time you weed your garden, make a salad of it. It’s surprisingly bitter.
A
Soda Pop
The old kind made with sucrose was bad enough. But now almost everything is made of high-fructose corn-syrup. Which messes with your body’s insulin levels, and contributes to obesity.
a
Diet Soda Pop
Can you trust man-made chemicals? Too much aspartame is probably bad for you.
a
Club Soda
Guess again. Too much sodium.
a
Bottled Water
WRONG!!!! Because you’re killing the planet, and Baby Jesus cries, every time you buy a plastic bottle.
a
Tap Water
As long as it’s properly filtered, to remove the trace amounts of heavy-metals. (You can never trust municipal water!)
(Oh, and make sure you dispose of your filter properly…used filters are considered hazardous waste.)
a
Fresh Fruit
The store-bought kind is full of pesticides and toxins. It’ll kill you.
The only fruit you should eat, is organically grown, and local. Because you should be sticking to the 100-mile-diet.
So for most of North America (especially Canada), this means only apples, pears, plums, peaches, strawberries, blueberries. But ONLY for the 5-6 days a year they’re actually in season.
Forget citrus fruit (unless you live in Florida or California).
And tropical fruit (papayas, bananas, kiwis, etc..) are a definite No-No. Think of the carbon footprint involved in shipping these to your grocery store.
For every non-local fruit you buy, it’s like an ice-floe melts and a baby polar bear drowns.
a
The Cardiac Breakfast Special (3 eggs, toast, bacon, sausage, ham, pancakes, smothered in lard)
Okay…WHAT are you THINKING?
Have you even been reading this post?
Go to your room. Right now. And give yourself a Time-Out!!!
Do I have to come down there?
***********************
So what’s left to eat?
Perhaps we can forage for nuts and berries. Like chimps and other primates do.
(But wait…our urban sprawl has depleted the forests and grasslands. The best nut-land has already been exploited!)
Oh well.
There’s always grass, I guess.
Tags: carbon footprint, eating green, food, humor, rant
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January 20, 2010 at 1:13 am
And your point is?…
January 20, 2010 at 1:28 am
What…I’m supposed to have a point to all this?
January 20, 2010 at 2:29 am
Of course not.
Just wonderin’.
January 20, 2010 at 4:01 am
Yogurt! Who says? You gotta have the fat to absorb the fat-soluble vitamin D in order to absorb the calcium. (So ‘they’ say.) And anyway, it’s perfect served on those 5 or 6 days of the year with the fresh local fruit that’s in season. Just one tub’ll do ya.
Personally, I think you passed up a great SEO opportunity by not linking to Supersize Me. Looooooser!
January 20, 2010 at 5:22 am
Friar does have a point. We’re bombarded with conflicting advice from everyone with an opinion as to what’s good for us or not.
Look, just eat what you like, and ignore the advice and do what feels right for you. This household is low-carb and it works for us but I know that way of eating doesn’t suit all, like those damn one size fits all socks.
January 20, 2010 at 7:36 am
You made me feel bad. When I feel bad, I eat fatty food. Damn it. It’s all your fault.
January 20, 2010 at 8:22 am
“skim some seaweed off rocks”
You forgot MSG, yeast, and red dye no. 5. LOL
Gotta go, promised my kids I’d take them to McDonald’s. OH! THE HORROR!
January 20, 2010 at 9:51 am
@Davina
Theoretically, I could always go back and edit, and link to “Supersize Me”. To maximize my SEO.
But I won’t. Just out of principle.
@Kate
The Western Hemisphere has it way to good, compared to the rest of the world. So we look like things like cholesterol and trans-fats to worry about.
We’ve become a bunch of food-martyrs.
@Kelvin
Yes! One MORE thing I can be blamed for!
@Jamie
If your conscience is bothering you, you could opt for the McD salads and apple slices, instead of the burgers, fries and cookies.
I’m sure your kids would LOVE that!
January 20, 2010 at 10:54 am
Shaddup and have a cheeseburger
January 20, 2010 at 11:41 am
On a serious note, might I suggest when being bombarded from all sides, have a look at this with a bit of logic and common sense.
I’ve seen many reports saying that too much fat is bad for you, too much meat etc. and then you see a recommended diet of nothing but veggies.
Okay, veggies are good, I agree.
But then you go and look at the study.
Just about every time, the scientists took rats or mice and fed them huge quantities of *meat* and *fatty foods*.
Now.
What do rats and mice eat? Well, it isn’t meat and fatty foods.
No wonder they get heart disease and all kinds of other problems.
Try this one, if you have a dog or a cat, feed the little (big?) furball salads for 6 months.
Fido or Fluffy will expire if you do that.
Humans have evolved to be omnivores, we can eat just about anything *natural*.
Think about what your ancestors would have eaten 5,000 or 10,000 years ago, and then go eat that.
So, meat, veggies, the odd piece of fruit, eggs, and so on. Spices.
Lots of variety. And you can cook it too – remember, we had fire then.
Every once in a while, have some dairy, some fruit, heck, eat a chocolate bar.
I’m sure that when Grok found fruit he ate a lot of it.
But try to keep it as close to the way it was when it died or you picked it.
That’s it.
Oh, and don’t stress about it.
You know, if you worry and stress about that cheeseburger you just ate, the stress from worrying is probably worse for you than the food you just ate…
Now, shaddup and have a cheeseburger
January 20, 2010 at 12:55 pm
@Wee Friar,
You forgot the butter/margarine controversy.
@ Brett,
You make a good argument. My philosophy is to eat in moderation. And yes, I admit I do the occasional MacDonald double cheeseburger, KFC Twonie Tuesday, Presiden’t Choice Decadent Chocolate Chip cookies, and my favourite chocolat bar–O’Henry.
Come to think of it I haven’t had an O’Henry in months.
January 20, 2010 at 2:40 pm
@Friar’s Mom,
I always go for butter over margarine. I’ve put out margarine and the raccoons never eat it
so if they won’t eat it…
O’Henry – that is a weakness of mine, too… like Kryptonite to Superman, almost!
January 20, 2010 at 3:06 pm
@Brett
I’m probably *supposed* to feel bad about eating a cheeseburger.
But I’m NOT.
Does that make me a bad person?
Probably.
But at least I get to enjoy cheesburgers!
(Actually, make that BACON cheeseburgers)
@Friar’s Mom
I also haven’t had an O’Henry in months.
But I’ve had Crunchie, Rosebuds, Toblerone, Kit-Kat, Hershey Bars, and Lindt. Plus others too numerous to mention.
@Brett
I like the story about how the racoons when through your garbage and chewed up your kids’ poopy diapers.
But they let the margarine container alone.
Heh heh. That says a lot about margarine.
January 20, 2010 at 3:46 pm
It’s so good to know you’ve finally seen the light and are becoming more earth-friendly, health-conscious and mindful of what you consume.If more people could be like you we’d go a long way in eradicating lifestyle related diseases and reducing carbon emissions. It’s very brave of you, given your stance on these issues until now, to come out and educate the blogosphere. Be prepared for some not-insubstantial ridicule and downright anger from certain factions. Try not to take it personally. Live and let live is my motto. (There. I typed all that with a straight face!)
January 20, 2010 at 4:21 pm
@XUP
Thanks for your concerns.
But I don’ think enough people read this blog, that I have to worry about “not insubstantial ridicule” and “downright anger”.
January 20, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Well, see, this is how I see it when it comes to eating beef.
I do feel bad about the factory cattle that are stuck in really tiny pens.
That’s wrong.
But the grass-fed ones that wander around outside, free (like the ones down Highway 41, near Splat Creek) – well, they have it pretty good.
They’re cared for, well fed, and they are treated humanely, right to the end.
Sure, one could say, “but we still kill them and eat them.”
True.
Ever see a cow in the wild? How long do they last?
Not very long, with all the wolves around, and so forth. And the disease. And so on.
Logic stretch ahead – *warning* – I mean, one could say, you and I are “tax cattle” for the rich.
Our governments educate us, give us just enough rope to (almost) hang ourselves, allow us to eke out a half-decent existence while taxing us enough to keep us in our places, make money off our backs and so forth for our entire lives.
So… I guess you could say, I learned from my “masters”.
Nope. You’re not a bad person for eating a cheeseburger.
That cow would not have lived to a ripe old age in the wild, just as you and I would not be here if we were forced to fight it out in an uncivilized world sans government intervention.
And if anyone thinks my idea is a bit wonky – well, it is, but – my government (not speaking for anyone else’s government here) doesn’t think it is okay for me to choose to die with dignity and end my own life when I’m too sick to look after myself.
But it is okay for multinational corporations to sell drugs at an obscene profit to the hospitals to prolong my “life” and keep me “living” for several years after I would have expired without “assistance”.
(Drugs you and I paid for with *our* tax money, by the way…)
It is okay for multinational corporations to sell me things that are proven to be very unhealthy (cigarettes, alcohol, poor quality food) that will ensure that I require these drugs to prolong my “life”.
All in the name of collecting tax money.
Who’s the bad person again? Not you and I, we are just tax cattle.
Moo.
January 20, 2010 at 9:08 pm
@Brett
Wow…that’s pretty deep! That’s a whole post in itself.
Never thought of myself as tax cattle..but you’re right.
January 20, 2010 at 9:57 pm
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night, sometimes.
I’m sure many have thought of similar things. Why are there endless distractions put in front of us, anyway?
Beer, TV, cigarettes, junk food, the internet… meanwhile, behind the scenes, our “leaders” are selling us down the river.
You know it’s happening to our workplace, for example.
We are told to focus on inane minutia while the place is falling apart, and being sold out from under us to a foreign company for a song.
Our parents’ paid for our company with their tax money, and now it is all being given away.
Well, not quite everything. You and I, and my kids, will pay to clean up the wreckage with our taxes…
January 20, 2010 at 10:27 pm
@Brett
Bread and circuses, my friend. Bread and circuses.
If it’s any consolation, they might need to hire people to clean up the wreckage.
January 20, 2010 at 11:15 pm
Top Ramen/Cup O Noodles. No nutritional value but it tastes good. Yeah, I still eat those quickie meals but to what end?
My ex-wife downloaded and printed about 5,000 pages of the “aspartame argument” which among other things, concluded that aspartame converts to methane after you consume it.
I went to SNOPES and printed the single page and gave it to her. FALSE.
I hope she was gratified that she’d wasted so many hours on a bunch of nonsense.
P.S. Don’t forget that Meryl Streep, an outstanding scientist, testified before Congress on the dangers of ALAR. Now enjoy your apple.
January 20, 2010 at 11:20 pm
As a vegetarian trying to become vegan and working at a naturopathic clinic, there is nooooo way I’m venturing into this territory!
Ducking and running like hell…
January 20, 2010 at 11:31 pm
Oh hey, I just noticed I’m logged in as bellavan. Ha. It’s me, Steph. I started another blog last night and I used my middle name.
But of course, with the above description, you must have known it was me. How many other peeps like me do you know, right?
January 20, 2010 at 11:31 pm
“Think about what your ancestors would have eaten 5,000 or 10,000 years ago, and then go eat that.”
Yeah, but back then they lived to the ripe age of what? 20?
Great post, and lots of awesome comments. Love Brett’s tax cows. Sums up my feelings fairly well.
As for fish, you forgot that most fish in the ocean are loaded with radiation from all the dumping of radioactive waste.
As for grass, you forget the pesticides. Even if you don’t spray your grass, your neighbor might and it could run off into your lawn during a good rain storm.
So, all that’s really left to eat is humans and pets. And Jay Leno’s fat head.
January 20, 2010 at 11:41 pm
@Captain
I like Lipton Cup-a-Soup, which is maybe just one iota slightly more nutritious than Ramen Noodles.
And Meryl ROCKS!! It warms my heart, when Hollywood celebrities take it upon themselves to educate the rest of us unwashed masses. What would we EVER do without them?
@Steph
Hahahah! For a second, you had me fooled there. I thought “Hey, great! I gained a new reader!”.
Dont’ worry. I still like you, even though you’re not Meatarian. (Because I’m just that type of open-minded person, non-judgmental …)
@Blogger Dad
And despite all our concerns, our lifespan keeps increasing and increasing.
PS. I don’t’ think I’d like Jay Leno’s head. I reckon it would be too bony.
January 21, 2010 at 12:00 am
Friar – Leno’s chin seems full of fat from where I’m looking. His chin alone could feed the Republic of Chad.
January 21, 2010 at 12:13 am
Used water filters are hazardous waste? Arggh!! Too funny. (I use one because there’s quite a bit of sediment in the water here in Vancouver. Enough to cause indigestion at times.)
I’d eat at McDonalds if I could digest it. But bread isn’t stone age, and neither is breading. Sigh. They even sent around some coupons this month, too.
I think I’ll go fry up some apples in bacon fat to console myself.
January 21, 2010 at 12:48 am
@Anemone,
Apples in bacon fat, reminds me what some of us olde timers were chatting about the other day. We reminisced about foods our parents prepared for us in the good olde days.
One of the fellows said he enjoyed fried bread. After his mom fried up a huge batch of bacon she placed thick slabs of white bread into the hot bacon grease and fried up the bread. Sometimes it was served with homemade jam.
My European mom saved rendered pork fat. When it had cooled off we slathered it on rye bread and sprinkled salt on top for flavour. This was considered a treat.
January 21, 2010 at 1:44 am
@Blogger Dad
And think of the huge carbon footprint Leno must have, just to keep his chin alive.
@Anemone
Seriously, I read it on a blog somewhere. I dunno, but I think you’re apparenlty not supposed to throw them out in regular garbage. You’ll have to google it.
I’d go to McD’s a lot more often than I do. But it’s 45 minutes away, and the local Burger Thing is gross enough, that I stay away from it. So that’s probably a good thing.
@Friar’s Mom
See? You grew up on that stuff, and you’re still alive!
I know you keep bacon grease under the sink. Maybe you can try the same thing at home.
January 21, 2010 at 6:06 pm
@Wee Friar,
The Grease Jar under the sink, is just that. A jar that contains garbage grease as a result of frying and roasting. Better to save the grease in a jar and then toss the jar into the garbage, rather than dispose of the grease or oil down the sink and plug up the plumbing.
January 21, 2010 at 6:22 pm
@ Friar’s Mom,
I thought you were supposed to scoop the grease out onto newspaper before tossing it, and reuse the jar.
I always use fresh bacon for each batch of fried apples. Then I scramble some eggs with the bacon bits and use the last of the fat up that way.
No jar yet!
January 21, 2010 at 7:19 pm
@Friar’s Mom
If you were really thrifty, you’d save the grease, and use it to make home-made soap, like they did 100 years ago.
@Anemone
Ask Friar’s Mom about the time she poured the grease into a jar by mistake (that was still full of instant coffee).
And how she tried to still salvage the coffee.
January 22, 2010 at 1:37 pm
@Blogger Dad,
Yeah, that is true, it’s a trade-off. There are some who believe that our ancestors were healthier, but since they were eaten by tigers by age 25 it probably didn’t matter too much!
@Steph,
Come on, have a cheeseburger
just teasing you…
January 22, 2010 at 5:54 pm
@Brett
Lots of poor countries can’t afford to eat much meat. And they die pretty early too.
I think a lot of the worlds’ problems would be solved, if everyone had access to cheeseburgers. Nobody would hate or envy the West, we’d all be on equal footing.
January 22, 2010 at 8:16 pm
Maybe we should GM a cheeseburger plant heh heh heh
January 23, 2010 at 12:14 am
@Brett
If we could grown cheeseburgers and pizza, I’d be the most avid gardner this side of the Splat Creek Valley.
But since I can only grow shit like carrots and cucumbers…meh. I’ll stick to the flowers.
January 26, 2010 at 12:47 pm
My father in law once ate grass (because he was starving in a Soviet POW camp in 1945) and he got worms. He never even chewed on a stalk of grass in his later years.
January 26, 2010 at 8:06 pm
@Julia
Wow..that must have really been NOT fun.
Glad he made it, though.