Five Things Women Do to Make Their Life More Complicated

1. Thank-You Cards
Some people will insist on writing these notes  for each and every occasion in life.   For gifts received, for being invited to dinner.  Or even if someone compliments them on their new hat.    

And there’s a whole level of self-imposed stress involved:  for going to the store, selecting exactly the right card,  putting down the exact right thoughts and going back to the post office and sending it out on time.   

Good Lord.

Not to mention, there’s a bit of smugness that comes along with it. 

 “It’s the considerate thing to do.” you’ll hear the card-writers say.  

Yes…but for WHO?  

Because I think it’s safe to say that more than half the population (namely, all males, plus reluctant children) don’t  give a flying-fox-fart about Thank-You cards.   

I mean, it’s nice to get one, but if we don’t, we’re not going to get our knickers in a knot.  

I didn’t cry, for example, when my buddy Brett didn’t send me a card for the X-mas gift I gave him. 

*Sniff*  (Damn you, Brett!)

Meh.   If would make things so much easier, if we all just agreed to DROP the whole damned Thank-You card thing.     

Just say “Thank You” once, in person, and be done with it.

a

2. Refusing to Acknowledge that White Plastic Thingy  on the Toilet
Anyone who’s been married, has had a girlfriend, or has shared a bathroom with a sister,  is familiar with this age-old complaint: 

Namely, the man is supposed to keep the seat down, to accomodate the woman who has to sit, because they sometimes fall in. 

So…howcum we guys sit down, at least once a day? …And we never fall in?

(Um…because we LOOK first?)

But that’s besides the point.

And if women want to be equals,  wouldn’t it be just as valid for men to ask for the seat to be left up? 

(Yes, I know that sounds logical.)  

But believe me,  guys…just let it go.  Because we’ll NEVER win this argument!
 

3. Fashion Magazines
Feminists complain that magazines like Cosmo and Vogue are harmful.   Because they portray unrealistic, idealized images of beauty that the average woman can’t obtain, leading to low self-esteem  and even eating disorders.

Fair enough.   There’s a good point to be made for all of this.

But…let’s ask ourselves:  WHO perpetuates these fashions?   WHO creates these myths?     WHO creates a demand for all this literature?   

I don’t think you can blame this one on men. 

Because I don’t know too many guys who find rail-thin 90-lb. women with sunken eyes all that hot.   Especially if these so-called “models” are wearing what looks like some stupid burlap sack wrapped around their jutting collar bones.  

Ladies,  if you dont’ like  these stupid magazines, just STOP buying them.   And the problem will go away.

a

4.  Bringing Something Over
When guys get together at someone’s house,  it’s to drink beer and watch TV.    Somebody might bring over a bag of Zesty-Mordant Nachos.  

(Might.)

If there’s an actual meal involved, it will invariably be a BBQ with  BYOM (Bring your own meat).     In which case, the host might provide paper plates and napkins.

(Might.)

When women get together, it’s a whole other story.   Everyone is  expected to BRING something.  

And it can’t be something store-bought, either, from the local bakery.   (No, that get you off too easy!)   

No, it has to be something you made by hand, that took you hours, from the sweat of your own brow.  

Date squares, for example, where the date tree was grown from seedlings, and the fruit harvested weeks ahead of time.  Where the wheat was hand-milled to make the flour, and the sugar was extracted from canes imported from Cuba.  

And everything was baked in a 17th-Century wood stove that was bought specially just for the occasion.  

That way, you can be a martyr, and tell yourself:   “It’s the considerate thing to do.”

Hmm.     Maybe so.   But I’ll just stick to my Zesty-Mordants, thank you.

a

5. Trying to be Equal to Men in Everything
Because face it…we guys do some really stupid things.   

Like sports where the object is to hit the opponent in the head, until they receive enough brain trauma and lose conciousness.   

Or racing high-speed vehicles down a drag-strip,  that threaten to explode at any minute.   

 Or moutain-climbing to extreme altitudes,  where your brain swells inside your skull, your body starts to die, and there’s a good chance you’ll  lose some fingers and toes.

(Need I go on?)

Sure…there’s nothing saying a woman can’t do these same exact things.

But just because they can…doesn’t necessarly mean they should.

We have enough Darwin Awards, as it is.

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34 Comments on “Five Things Women Do to Make Their Life More Complicated”

  1. Kate Says:

    1. Yes, woment like to get thankyou notes. We like to know a gift is appreciated and we worry if it was posted as to whether it arrived. Mind you an email or text is just fine. An actual card is for really old ladies (over 70).
    2. Nope, you’ll never win that one.
    3. If I had $1 for every time I’ve heard some bloke telling his thin girlfriend she’s fat, I’d be a millionaire. Lots of young guys read those mags and think thats what females should look like and the girlfriends try and oblige. Fashion is about women trying to please their men not about women trying to impress other women.
    4. This is to demonstrate how adept you are in the kitchen, and that you like your host. Picking something up from the supermarket means either you can’t cook or you don’t think much of your host.
    5. Whaddya mean trying to be equal? The fact that only one female has won a Darwin demonstrates superiority, not equality.

  2. Karen JL Says:

    I’d comment Friar, but I’m too busy writing my fancy thank-you notes, cooking from scratch and reading my fashion magazines while sitting on my closed toilet wishing I was a man. ;)

  3. Brett Legree Says:

    @Kate,

    “2. Nope, you’ll never win that one.”

    Look, no seat!

    http://asunews.asu.edu/20090427_FloDesign

    Did I win?
    :)

  4. Friar Says:

    @Kate

    Some people still insist on cards, though.

    I’m half convinced it’s an invention created by women, for the sole purpose of feeling superiour and lording it over we knuckle-dragging males, when we don’t reciprocate. ;-)

    As for being fat. There are lots of men’s magazines out there, telling us dudes we’re nobodies, unless we have six-pack abs. And I can tell you from personal experience, guys get a lot of fat comments too.

    Suffice to say…both those men and women’s magazines are full of shyte.

    But for bringing food…you’ve just proved my point. There are self-imposted rules that women have invented, about the TYPE of food you have to bring.

    “Ohhh. It’s a store-bought cake. Hmmm…I’m kinda insulted!”

    Compare this to a guy’s point of view: “Hey! You brought a cake! I like cake! Thanks!”.

    As for Darwin Awards, there aren’t too many women. But I shake my head when I see female boxers or WWF Wrestlers.

    @Karen
    …and eating bon-bons, and watching Oprah, right? :-)

    @Brett
    Hmm…you have time to comment on my blog, but you STILL haven’t sent me a thank-you card for Christmas.

    If that’s how you want to be, fine.

    But you know..it WOULD have been the considerate thing to do. ;-)

  5. dave1949 Says:

    Women just don’t understand. We men buy food to bring because we want to bring the very best. Food created and prepared by experts. I suppose following the reasoning the ladies would prefer a nice homemade wine rather than the best the world can make.

  6. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    I was too busy making sure the toilet seats were down…
    ;)

  7. Brett Legree Says:

    @dave1949,

    I like your way of thinking.

    Perhaps next time my wife asks me for a piece of jewelery, I’ll make it myself.

    I mean, there are lots of semi-precious stones I could find, I’m pretty handy with pipe cutter, and it would show her how much I care.
    :)

  8. Eyeteaguy Says:

    For anyone who wants to fire-bomb Friar’s house, here is his address.

    34 Main St. E
    Splat Creek, ON K2K 1L5

    Its the one who’s driveway hasn’t ben shovelled.

    Eyeteaguy

    P.S. Guys know how to make a fire bomb (its in our DNA) but I’m assuming that only the women will want to burn Friar’s house to the ground. So if you need help making one, please contact me directly.

  9. Brett Legree Says:

    @Eyeteaguy,

    Don’t forget, all women have the power of the “Atomic Death Stare” – it’ll melt the flesh off your bones, kind of like that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark…

  10. Anemone Says:

    Friar, you’re supposed to think of our flaws as sweet and endearing. No wonder you’re still single!

    And never mind the toilet seat, what about putting the lid down each time? Then you don’t have to clean it as much, and you don’t have to worry about dropping things in by mistake.

  11. Brett Legree Says:

    You don’t have to put the seat or the lid down in this baby…

  12. Friar Says:

    @dave
    Exactly. Next time, I won’t buy that pastry from the local bakery. I’ll bake it myself from scratch and of course make a total bollix out of it.

    I’m sure my host will appreciate my culinary skills. Next time, they’ll be BEGGING me bring something store-bought.

    @Brett
    Even better, you can make your wife a heart shaped out of construction paper.

    I mean…if that’s a good enough gift from the kids, that that should also be a good enough gift from you, eh? (After all, isn’t it the THOUGHT that counts?)

    @Eyeteaguy
    Aw…C’mon! I already got half the seniors in town mad at me. I don’t need any more stalkers.

    @Anemone
    I’m still single, for lots more reasons that the ones I wrote here!

    (I think I might have even blogged about it, a while back…actually.)

    As for toilet seats. Women have already devised the perfect defense. Those knitted seat-covers, that constantly threaten to slam the lid down.

    Talk about hitting a guy where it hurts.

  13. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    What…no Two-Holer?

  14. Anemone Says:

    @Brett
    We had one of those when I was a kid. A two-holer, too, with a little hole for kids and big hole for grownups. (The replacement outhouse only has one, since we were all big by then.) We had lids, and you wanted them down when you were using the other hole to keep the smell/bugs down. In old age my parents invested in a commercial toilet seat/cover for on top. Wimps.

  15. Friar Says:

    @Anemone

    Half of Splat Creek probably grew up with those.

    I wasn’t raised here, but rumor has it that this place didnt’ get running water till 1986.

    Maybe Brett can confirm this. ;-)

  16. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar…AND getting my nails done.

    For the record, whenever I’ve been invited somewhere and had to bring food, my first thought is always “What the hell can I buy??”

    Me no cook-ie.

  17. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Shh…don’t talk so loud. Your revolutionary thoughts might get you kicked out of the Ya-Ya Bake-Martyr Sisterhood.

    All I have to say…is thank GOD for the President., (President’s Choice, I mean).

    Key Lime Pie, Grasshopper Pie, Apple Crumble…etc…

    Pretty damned good stuff, and you don’t have to spend hours making it.

  18. Kyddryn Says:

    Friar darlin’…I adore you!

    1. Meh – I was raised to send them, but half the time forget until a year has passed, and then it’s too late. It’s not that I’m TRYING to be rude…it just comes naturally.

    2. I look. I’d rather the seat be left up and know that no one’s peeing on it because they’re too freakin’ lazy to lift it.

    3. Aliens perpetuate that so-called fashion…I’m convinced of it. No human, male or female, would ever find those bone-bags attractive. A body should have curves for caressing, not points that bruise the embracer. Of course, I could just be bitter because I’m rather softer than I ought to be, but I prefer to think not.

    4. But…but…I LIKE to cook from scratch…

    5. Trying to be equal in every way is folly…there will always be things for which one is better suited than another. I prefer balanced…strong in some ways, weak in others, all balanced out with each other.

    I like your lists, Friar…they’re fun…

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  19. Friar Says:

    @Kyydryn

    Nothing wrong with cooking from scratch. (Especially if I get to EAT it!)

    What I dont’ understand is this sense of “obligation” some people have when they’re invited to dinner. It’s like some self-induced guilt if they dont’ contribute.

    When (on the VERY rare occasions), I invite someone, it’s come as you are, no strings attached. I’m not going to get in a snit if they don’t bring anything. After all, I was the one who invited THEM.

    And if they do happen to bring something, I consider it a bonus, and thank them for it. (Even if it’s a box of donuts from Tim Hortons).

    BTW, I fully agree that a body should have curves and soft edges.

    I think those anorexic praying-mantis Alien-models could stand to gain a few dozen pounds. (If not more).

    Someone should feed those poor ladies some cheeseburgers. It would do ‘em good. ;-)

  20. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Wee Friar,

    Your Blog is Meh. You’re way off base when it comes to 1 and 4. Don’t get me started.

    You poke fun at those of us who are appreciative, caring, thoughtful, considerate, generous, and thankful.

    A group of us at this ski area have pot luck dinners every two weeks. Surprisingly, many of the males are good cooks. The upcoming theme is German cuisine. I plan to bring homemade” Hunter Stew” made with cabbage, sauerkraut, bacon, pork, and kielbasa.

    Guests are invited. You’ll be here next Tuesday. Are you planning to bring anything besides beer?

  21. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    “Meh”?

    Well, you’re entitled to your opinon. But other readers here seem to be somewhat amused. In fact, I dare say a few of the ladies don’t totally disagree with me on a few points.

    Anyway, bringing something for a pot luck dinner is totally different. It’s POT LUCK…so it’s understood that you’re SUPPOSED to bring something.

    As opposed to just a “regular” invite for dinner. Where it’s a grey area, as there’s still an implied obligation on the part of the guest.

    If I go to your pot luck, I’ll definitely bring beer.

    In a room full of ski instructors talking about nothing but ski instructing, I’ll need all the alcohol I can get! :-)

  22. Amy Says:

    1. I have never written (or read) a thank you card. Save a tree and my sanity. Thankyou.

    2. I don’t pee with boys. So I don’t have this problem.

    3. I don’t buy magazines. The covers alone — peering at me from the supermarket line — are scary enough. (And do we really need to learn this week’s featured way to lose 10 pounds in two days? I’m pretty sure it’s not physically possible, unless I cut off one of my boobs.)

    4. Anybody who invites me over and expects me to cook something is going to be very sorry. Especially if I actually do cook something and they actually try to eat it. I burn soup.

    5. I think women should have the right to be just as stupid as men. I’m not sure why they would want to. But there are plenty of stupid women — on twitter alone — who I wouldn’t mind pushing off a cliff. (That’s a sport, right?)


  23. “Um…because we LOOK first?”

    Hahaha

  24. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    Heh heh. Yes…you GET it!

    (Are you SURE we weren’t separated at birth? )

    @Bamboo Forest
    Of course, it’s perfectly true.

    But like I said…we will still LOSE the argument. In any court of law.

  25. Amy Says:

    This reminds me, someone sent me a sample of something like this in the mail:

    Perhaps all women should use these and then we can eliminate the toilet seat problem somewhat?

  26. Brett Legree Says:

    @Amy,

    I knew what your video link was without even clicking on it… we are like mental twins separated at birth or something… :)

    Hmm, a general thought about “homemade” vs. “store bought”.

    A few years ago, I brought a pie to a pot luck party. Yes, I had purchased it at a store.

    Someone (a guy, believe it or not) teased me about it, he said when *he* brought pies, they were “made from scratch”.

    So I asked him, “Do you make the crust from scratch?”

    “No.”

    “Do you pick the apples yourself?”

    “No.”

    “Do you make the sugar yourself from the cane?”

    “No.”

    “Then you didn’t make your pie from scratch, did you. You assembled it from store bought goods, which to me means my time is worth more than yours…”

    (Oh, and he ate some of my pie, too.)


  27. Hey, you forgot interminable purse digging at checkout counters for exact change.

  28. Friar Says:

    @Brett + Amy

    If I didnt’ know any better, those photos of the gross toilets were taken at the Widget Factory.

    @Brett
    From my point of view…never look a gift pie in the mouth.

    @Betsy
    …well, that’s more of a SENIOR lady thing to do. (Which can be a whole other blog post!) ;-)

  29. davinahaisell Says:

    Sometimes I write thank-you cards, sometimes I don’t. Depends on the occasion and how grateful I feel for whatever, and whomever did the something that I feel grateful for.

    Toilet seats I prefer down; BOTH the seat AND the lid. I prefer to see the pretty pink cover rather than the empty white bowl with the brown ring around it. And anyway, I’ve been doing this all wrong. I usually look after I get up not before I sit down. I clearly have a lot to learn.

    Fashion magazines? I just look at them from afar and shake my head in disbelief; kinda the way I shake my head at some of these blog posts :-)

    Bringing something over? I LOVE to cook so I like to show off! If you’ve got it, flaunt it I always say. Course, if I’m feeling lazy, then I’m not too proud to buy something.

    Try to be equal to men? Why upset the delicate balance that already exists between the sexes?

  30. Friar Says:

    @davina

    So….do you find that makes your life more complicated? Or less? :-D

  31. Davina Says:

    Heh, heh… all of it? Or just the last one :-P

  32. chris zydel Says:

    This might lose me some points with my sisters, but I actually agree with you about the toilet seat issue… and I AM a girl. I never could figure out what all the fuss was about, like somehow women were entitled to have the toilet seat work for them all the time, every time, for some arbitrary reason. Maybe because I grew up with 5 brothers and looking before I sit is just an ingrained habit.

    Most of the women I know seem to be able to tell the difference between engaging in dumb guy activities ( i.e. losing fingers and toes to prove that you can torture your body mercilessly by climbing up a very big hill), and smart guy activities like asserting yourself in the service of making more money or not being taken advantage of.

    Which doesn’t mean that there aren’t some women who aren’t any smarter than dumb men. I can only hope that any woman who finds herself on slogging up Everest ( without having been abducted) is really a guy in drag.

  33. Friar Says:

    @Davina

    I dunno..you’re the Life Coach. YOU tell ME…! :-)

    @Chris

    When I see things like female boxers, and female WWF wrestlers..I just think “For God sakes…WHY?”

    PS. I won’t rat you, to the Sisterhood, regarding the toilet seats.

    If you really feel the need, you can always look into that product Amy linked to. ;-)

  34. Robert Says:

    Exactly!

    At some point in time most men either come to the realization that they have outgrown the “relationship” they have with a mentally ill female, or they submit to a life of codependence & submission.

    Same argument for “some” of the women posters (It does work both ways). To the point here: Some how a sub-set of women have instilled the idea on the rest of their gender that a “relationship” with a different human being is somehow governed & controlled by the “toilet-swirl” that goes on inside their own craniums. It is when other people (separate individuals with separate likes, wants & aspirations) submit to the undertow that everyone (society & individuals) get into trouble.

    Try to live with a bipolar / schizophrenic / borderline / OCD woman.. I did for 26 years. If you are encountering “swirl” then flush it away. “toilet-swirl” spill over is when someone else drops proper boundaries & starts infringing on your own personal emotional / physical / & even hygienic space.

    Flush these women away & leave the lid whatever way you please.


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