Some Brief Job Descrpitions

The Queen of England

- Wear circa 1962 coats, with matching hat + gloves.
- Wave your hand during the opening of shopping Malls, Olympic games, etc.
- Appear on coins. 
- Feed your Corgis.

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Newton the Centaur

- Wait around for danger, and then summon Herc with your Moon-beam belt
- Neigh gleefully when Herc arrives.
- Provide real-time narration while Herc gets pummeled by the monster, always repeating yourself.
- Remind Herc to use his ring,  to use his ring!  Then neigh gleefully when he wins the battle.

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Typical Smurf

- Go around singing “La-la, La-La-la-Lah” all day.
- Avoid Gargamel.
- Open exploding packages that Jokey gives you.
- Fantasize about the one Smurfette in the whole Smurf village.

 

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Hal from 2001 Space Odyssey

- Maintain navigational control and life support systems for the ship.
- Kill one of the crew members.
- Refuse to open the pod bay doors.
- Sing “Daisy” when your CPU is being dismantled.
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aObsessive Duck-Toller

- Sniff around, and search for something to retrieve.
- When you’ve found it, yap at it incessantly, until a human throws it.
- Retrieve it, working yourself up into a frenzy.
- Repeat Steps 1 to 3,  Ad infinitum.
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Twitter Addict

- Jam a pencil into your nose, severing your frontal lobe from your cerebral cortex.
- Think random, inane thought, that nobody gives a flying fox-fart about except you.
- Feel the need to announce these thoughts to the planet, in 140 characters or less.
- When in doubt, quote someone famous.
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Asshole Squirrel

- Chew the humans’ wood shed, backyard deck and garage door.
- Sit on top of your perch, like the arrogant rodent you are
- Chatter indignantly at everyone that passes by, even if they’re 100 times your size.
- Retreat and shut up when the kids throw dirt clumps at you.  But only for 2 seconds.
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aGrumpy Old Man down the Street

Wear mis-matching brightly colored golf clothes. 
Rake the leaves as they fall.  Individually.
Use the garden hose to constantly keep the driveway moist.
Grumble at the God-damned kids who wont’ stay offa your lawn.
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Viking Warrior

- Slash and Burn.
- Slay your foes and sire offspring.
- Curdle the blood of your enemies by yelling “NYARGGH!!”
- When in doubt, invade England or France.

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Tags: humar, Queen of England, rant, Smurfs, the mighty hercules, twitter

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