Custom-Made Serenity Prayers

The original  (that everyone likes to quote):
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

For the Malcontent Cubicle-Worker
Oh Lord.  Kill me now.
Grant me the strength to cope with the dysfunctional bozons who run this place,
without screaming and wanting to gouge my eyes out;
the wisdom to recognize that it’s all “pensionable time”;
the apathy to not care anymore;
and to just daydream about the coming weekend.

For Frustrated Parents
God, grant me the serenity to not throttle my child.
Seriously, when they act like this, I want to kill them.
Help me accept that it will only get worse when they reach their teens
and the good fortune that they’ll move out before they’re thirty.

For the Precocious Toddler
Dear God;
Give me energy from all those sugar-drinks
to scream and yell till  I get what I want;
the ability to manipulate my parents and to wear them down.
and the wisdom to know when to stop pushing my luck.

For a Fourteen-year old Girl
Like, OMG, ya know?
Help me to, like, recognize what’s LAME.
LOL!  Have you SEEN what she’s wearing?
And then maybe, like, I could go to the Gap with my BFF.
Like, that would be sooooo AWESOME!

The Family Dog
Grant me the agility
To catch that squirrel in the back yard.
Help me accept the fact that  I cannot climb trees.
Dear  God, I hate that squirrel!
I REALLY DO.

The Senior Who Lives Down The Street
Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the disrespectful ass-clowns that are todays’ kids;
the courage to tell them to get off of my lawn;
and the patience to hose down my driveway, till it’s clean enough to eat off of.

Flipper
Klak.
Klackety-Klack Klack
Klack.  Klackackack.  Click Click Klack
Klack  Click Ackackack  (*does a back flip*)

Wile E. Coyote
Grant me the persistence to keep trying to catch the Road Runner
the wisdom to accept that I’ll never succeed
the courage to keep buying from Acme
and to accept gravity as my friend, not my enemy.

The Viking Warrior
Odin, grant me the strength to slay my enemies
to accept whatever plunder I take from the Saxons
the courage to maintain the shield-wall
and to recognize when to move on, when there’s no more loot to be had.

Viking Children, Versus Those Who Are Not.

Most children are taught the three R’s:

Viking children are taught the 3 P’s.

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Most children need to be told to put a helmet on before riding their bike.

Viking Children need to be told to wear a helmet, before going out to raid the playground.

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Most children like to play “Duck, Duck, Goosee!”

Viking children like to play “Saxon, Saxon, DANE!”

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Most chidlren are scolded, if they play too aggressively.

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Viking Children are scolded when they DON’T play aggressively ENOUGH.

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Most children hate to get wool sweaters for Christmas

Viking children LOVE to get chain-mail sweaters for Mid-Winter’s Feast.

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Most chidren sleep with some kind of Teddy Bear

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Viking Children sleep with REAL bears!

The Cumulated Wisdom That Reading Blogs and Facebook Has Taught Me

Stone-Age cultures who never so much as invented the wheel, are, by default, so MUCH wiser and smarter than our Western Civilization.

Calling yourself a “Coach” or “Advisor” makes you just as qualified in counselling people as being an accredited, professionally trained psychologist does.

Self-employed free-lancers who can barely pay the rent are infinitely more successful than the $100K/yr losers working in cubicle farms.

Anyone who can string 250 words together on a blog is a “writer”.

Anyone who can post pictures on Facebook or Flickr is a “photographer”.

Not driving a car makes you morally superior to everyone else who does.

Modern Western medicine is a SHAM,  perpetuated by the major pharmaceutical companies.    Why don’t you just pound a prayer-drum, and drink some herbal tea instead?

Nobody really needs university or college.   When you start working,  that’s when you’ll learn about your job, as you go.

“Minimalism” is where it’s at.     If you enjoy having a large house,  fancy toys, and exotic vacations…Well, then hang your head in SHAME!.  Because you represent everything that’s wrong with the planet!

Just because a New-Age paranormal phenomenon has no scientific basis whatsoever, and has never been proven under rigorous, double-blind laboratory tests, doesn’t mean it isn’t perfectly valid.

Science once said the earth was flat.  But they were wrong.   So Science might be wrong about auras and magical crystals and unicorns, too.

It’s possible to solve major disasters (like high-pressure oil spewing out of the ocean floor) by just getting a group of people together at the same time to bang drums.    OHmmmmmmm.

Petroleum is not a mineral like bauxite or calcium carbonate.   It is Mother-Earth’s Life-Blood!

When you’re on vacation, it’s more important to document each and every event and post it on Facebook, than to actually live the moment.

Growing virtual vegetables on a digital farm is a far more satisfying than maintaining a garden in real-life.

Our individual lives are so GOSH-DARNED important, that even our simple meals are news-worthy events that require broadcasting to the whole world.

Furthermore, every meal description that’s posted on FaceBook shall be “YUMMY”.    To say otherwise, amounts to heresy.

If you’re stressed out and feel miserable,  the best solution is to isolate yourself in front of the computer, and read about how other people deal with it.

For God’s sakes, the LAST thing you want to do is to go outside, and get some fresh air and exercise.

Real-Life Quotes Explaining Why I’m Not Exactly Eager to Jump On The Marriage Bandwagon Right Now

“You know, at this point in your life, Friar, you won’t find anyone your age who doesn’t have a lot of baggage.”

“I was ready to retire, but my wife and I split up.   After 30 years,  I just lost half my pension.   So I guess I’m going to have to keep working for a while.”

“Women like guys who are physically fit, Friar.   And well……LOOK at you…! “

“Hear that?” (Referring to their toddler waking up and crying for the nth time).   “That…is the main reason we finally decided to go snip-snip!”   (i.e. vasectomy)

“By the time I get back from work, we cook supper,clean the dishes and put the kids down…that leaves me with thirty minutes of free time, to do what I want, before I go to bed exhausted. “

“You’re really asking for a lot, Friar.   You might have to compromise, or you’ll never find the woman you’re looking for.”

“We have sex once a month.  Whether we need it or not.”

“We’re so busy lately with all the organized sports.  I can ‘t remember the last time we stayed home and just had a quiet evening doing nothing.”

“It’s a real treat to be able to eat hamburgers and hot-dogs like this.   I never get to do this at home”.

“We all sleep together in the same bed:  the two of us, the two kids, and the cat.    The other day, little Tiffany woke up lying between us, soaking wet.   We weren’t sure if she had just sweated a lot, or if she had peed herself.”

“Dating someone with a kid isn’t’ that bad, Friar.   Every second weekend they’ll be at their Dad’s, so you can lots of alone-time with your girlfriend.”

“The child support and flights to visit cost us  the equivalent of a $40K full-time salary.”

“You’ve been alone long enough, Friar, that you’ve become set in your ways.   I don’t think you’re able, at this point in your life, to have a long-term relationship”.

“If you don’t get married when you’re young, you’ll MISS THE BOAT!”

(From my lawyer):  ”Word of advice, if you have a girlfriend move in with you, make sure she pays you something every month.  Even if it’s ten dollars.    And make sure it’s a cheque, or something that can be traceable to the bank.”

“Friar,  you won’t find any women your age who don’t have kids.  Look at me:  I have two kids but I think I’m a good catch.   I met my 2nd husband here, and he’s had his first child with me.   But my two daughters don’t like this small town, so we’re all moving back to the Big City.   Except my husband who stays here alone to work during the week.  He comes to visit us on weekends.. But I think I’m a GOOD CATCH! “

No more paintings, please.

This post is dedicated to Eyeteaguy.

(Who feels REALLY SAD when I don’t post any of my artwork.)  

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I could keep going, but that’s enough for now.

Let’s Face It: My Blog Has Jumped The Shark

Okay, I admit it.

After 430 posts,  it’s time to face reality.

My blog has peaked…and is now in a slow death-spiral.

That’s too bad, because (not wanting to pat myself on the back too hard),  for a while there, The Deep Friar used to be a cool place to hang out.

I used to get decent traffic, and my posts used to generate a lot of discussion, even when I was absent.

But lately, readership has dropped, and so have the comments.    Even the regulars have stopped showing up.

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I dunno why.  Maybe it’s me.   Maybe I’ve had my 15 minutes of fame, and  I’ve run out of things to say.

One thing I’ve learned is that original cartoons and humor just don’t seem to cut it anymore in BlogoLand.

Apparently,  the blogs that people want to read are the ones where we navel-gaze and get New-Age touchy-feely with our inner selves.   Not to mention quoting dead poets, and giving advice on living your dreams, like Little Timmy who fell down the well, lost all his arms and legs, but still went on to win Silver at the Quad Olympics..yadda, yadda,yadda.

Nothing wrong with those things.

But I can’t write like that.

And even if I did, I’d want to gouge my eyes out with a #2H pencil first.

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But maybe it’s not just me.   Maybe it’s just summer, and things are slow.

And people have lives, and dont’ want to waste the sunny days sitting in front of a computer.

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Or maybe it’s that blogs in general have peaked, and are no longer the trendy flavor-of-the-month.

In fact, a lot of my blogging friends have cut back on their posts.   Some have quit altogether.

Two years ago, blogging used to be the “In” thing.   Then it was Twitter.   Now it’s Facebook.

Ah, yes.   Facebook.

Post what you ate for supper on Facebook, and everyone will come crawling out of the woodwork, and leave comments like “Yum!” “

But post some funny cartoons on your blog that you spent three hours drawing, and you’re left with crickets chirping.

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Again, I’m not anything is wrong with this.

Good or bad, that’s just how it is.

But sometimes I’m half-tempted to pack the whole thing in.

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But I’ve since come to terms with things.

Because it dawned on me that I dont’ need an audience to write.

(I mean…it would be NICE to have one).  But it isnt’ absolutely necessary.

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Because I have to write.

I have ideas and thoughts and cartoons that are bottled up inside me, that need to get out.

And I can’t stop that from happening, any more than you can stop the tide from coming in.

Or Caillou from having a tempter tantrum.

Or a red squirrel from chattering “Ttttt-ttttt!” at you from their treetop varmint-throne.

And if my few (dozen?) loyal readers happen to enjoy what I post, well, then that’s a nice bonus and I’m grateful.

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So I guess I’ll keep up this blog thing for the time being.

At least until the shark gets tired of being jumped over, and starts closing in….

Ramblings From The Back Of A Canoe

This time of year,  I spend a lot of time in my canoe.

It’s rare that several days go by when I don’t take it out on a lake somewhere and paddle.

Most of the time, I go to catch fish.

Other times,  I like to paddle to get away from it all.   A mental time-out, so to speak.

A canoe allows you to do that:   to get off the grid, and find those remote places that cars and motorboats and cell phones and Facebook can’t reach.

Where you dont’ see another human for hours, and you’re forced to be alone with Mother Nature and (God Forbid) just your own  thoughts.

One thing about canoeing, is that it’s never boring.

You might see loons, beavers, otters, or moose.

You might come across granite cliffs, or secret waterfalls.    The scenery constantly changes.

Some days it might be windy as hell, and your arms burn as you paddle against the white-caps.

Other days, the water is so calm, you almost feel it’s a shame that your passage through the water ruins the perfect reflection.

Those are my favorite times.   When the water is like glass.

It’s a well-known Law of the Universe, that it’s impossible to feel stressed out in a canoe on a calm lake.

And a lot of people seem stressed out these days.

They’ll pay big bucks to Life Coaches, Spiritual Advisors or New-Age Therapists to try to learn to relax.

Or they’ll spend hours scanning the internet to find the answer to their problems.

I dunno…perhaps seeking that one inspirational quote that will turn their life around and make everything all better.

Not me.

I canoe.    And I’m lucky enough to live where I can do that.

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And if you throw in a gorgeous sunset to go along with it,  I’m laughing all the way to the bank.

Passive-Aggressive Driving Tips For Morons Who Enjoy Annoying Other Type-A Motorists

1.  The first thing you must do is foster an over-all sense of SMUGNESS that you’re not speeding like all the other crazy drivers are.    You must feel that it’s your duty to punish these maniacs, however you can.

2.  On highways, drive EXACTLY the speed limit and not ONE IOTA more, except when there are cars behind you and there’s a dotted line.    That’s when you speed up so no one can pass.  (Hint:  If you have difficulty doing this, try wearing a hat.  That always helps.)

3.  If you’re holding up a queue of 25 vehicles behind you, for God Sakes, DON’T pull over to let them pass!    You paid your taxes.   You’re entitled to drive the roads any way you want, Goddammit.

4.  If you’re entering a highway from a side-road and you see a car coming,  wait until the very last minute to pull in front of them, so that they have to jam on the brakes to avoid rear-ending you.    Remember, your time is more important.   You can’t afford to wait those extra five seconds to let them go by.    It’s better to let them drive behind you for the next 10 minutes. (Using tips #2 and #3).

5.  When merging onto a freeway,  the slower the better.   The last thing you want to do is match the speed of the other vehicles you’re trying to slip in-between of.

6.  Once you’ve made it onto the freeway,  go straight to the passing lane.   In this case, though, you WANT to match the speed of the car you’re pretending to overtake.   If another car comes up behind you, don’t pull over, not even if they flash their headlights:  This is a signal that you have won, and they’ll acknowledge your victory by having to pass on the right.

7.  If there’s a cold snap, reduce your driving speed by at least 30 km/h, even though it’s sunny and the road is perfectly dry.

8.   Talk on your cell-phone when driving.   The laws that say you’re not supposed to only apply to everyone else.   But you’re fine.

9.  If it snows or rains,  when it doubt, disconnect your cerebral cortex from your nerve center, and lose all ability to drive.   (This is a tried-and-true favorite).

10.  On residential streets, remember that posted limit of 40 km/h (25 mph) is far too treacherous.    If you think you’re going too fast, here’s a test:  take your food off the gas pedal, and let your car idle.      Are you moving ahead?    If the answer is yes, then it’s time to slow down.

11.  At intersections, if the light turns green, pause and think about it.     Wait for the car behind you to politely honk.    Ignore them, and think about it some more.    Wait for the car to honk again, this time more angrily.     Continue to ignore them.  Only proceed when the light is yellow on the verge of turning red, so that the honker gets stuck at the intersection.  (That’ll teach them to be in such a rush!)

12.  If you drive a motorcycle, drive less than the speed limit, and travel in large packs of 1o-20.    But remember to stagger yourselves so that no bike is more than 30 feet apart so that nobody can pass.   Congratulations.  You win, again.

13.  Apply the same principles if you’re driving a 50-foot RV.     Huge caravans of land-yachts can back up traffic for miles, especially on single-lane highways for miles.

Middle-Aged Summer

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the Perfect July Summer,  when summer was at its peak.   The weather was stinking hot, the days were long, and everything felt young and fresh.

Well, July came and went.   We’re in the 2nd week of Augst now, and Summer is no longer young.

No, Summer has now matured and has reached its middle-age, and the tell-tale signs are there.

For one thing, the raspberries are finished, and the canes are starting to dry out and turn yellow.

So are the lily pads on the lakes.

And the trees.   Dammit…the trees.

A few are already starting to change.

At first, I tell myself it’s a fluke.  Surely that tree must just be sick.

But I’m only in denial.

Because like it or not, more and more trees are starting to change, every day.

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It’s also getting dark early.  My criteria for “early summer” is that it has to be bright out at 9:00 PM.

But I now reluctantly admit that time has passed.   It’s now getting dark at 8:30 and we’re losing more and more daylight every day.

We’ve also had some cold nights.   This weekend it got down to 5C (That’s the low 40′s for our American friends).  I’ve actually had to put a jacket on.

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I always feel a bit wistful this time of year.    A sadness that things are inevitably winding down.

Nooooo! I tell myself.   It was still July just 10 days ago!    Summer cant’ be ending!   It CAN’T!

But it can, and it will.

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But Middle-Aged Summer has some advantages over Young Summer.

Being able to sleep with the windows open, for one thing.

And the worst of the bugs are over.

Peaches-and-cream corn is here.   And so are blueberries (depending on how far north you are).

And the lakes and rivers are even warmer than they were in July, so swimming is even better.

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Besides, we still have much of the month of August left

There’s plenty of opportunity to still enjoy the beach,  listen to the buzz of cicadas on muggy-h0t dog-days, get an ice-cream cone, or put your fishing rod in the water and try to catch that trophy bass.

Or cut the grass till you’re parched and exhausted, and reward yourself with an ice-cold beer that chills your throat as you guzzle it down.

Or sit on a lawn-chair on a warm evening, and watch heat-lighting illuminate the sky while listening for the barely-audible rumble distant thunder.

Or lie on the dewy grass at night, and stare straight up at the milky way and feel insignificant.

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Just remember, though, that the number of days left in which we can do these things is limited.

So make the most of Middle-aged Summer while you can.

I know I will.

When in doubt…

….post a picture of a fish.

Because I don’t know what else to say right now.