Friar’s Cynical Answers to Time-Honored Adages

“You can do anything you want…if you just put your mind to it.”
Okay, so there’s only one  Olympic Gold Medalist.   I guess that means all the other atheletes who didn’t win,  really didn’t want it that badly, huh?

“God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.”
Tell that to suicide victims.

“Things happen for a reason.”
So what are the reasons for cancer, tsunamis or genocide?

“Money can’t buy happiness.”
Tell you what.  Give me lots of money, and I’ll decide for myself.   And if I’m still unhappy, I can always give it away to charity.   Which will make someone else happy.

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.”
No, it’s darkest at midnight, when the sun is 180 degrees opposite the zenith.   Unless you live above the Arctic Circle in the summer, and then it never gets dark.

“Nobody can make you feel inferior, except yourself.”
Sorry, I don’t buy that.   That lets the jerk who’s putting you down off the hook, and transfers the blame onto you.   It’s like telling a battered wife that she’s brought it upon herself.

“Different strokes for different folks”
Meh.  That’s just a gutless way of saying you don’t agree with someone, but are too afraid to admit it.

“To each his own.”
See “Different strokes for different folks”.

“Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day.   Teach a man to fish, and you’ll feed him for life.”
Yes.  And if you factor into account all the fishing gear, the boat, the gas and the trips to fishing lodge, those fish he catches will end up costing $200 a pound.

“Just because their culture is different than ours, doesn’t mean ours is any better.   Who are we to judge what’s right or wrong?”
So countries that still practice slavery, female circumcision, stoning and honor killings…we shouldn’t be judging those things, then?

There is no “i” in “Team”
No..but there’s ME.

“Bad things happen in threes.”
Yes, bad things happen in threes.  And also twos, fives, seventeens, or not at all.    Bad things…just HAPPEN.

“Seek, and ye shall find.”
Breathe in, and ye shall exhale.    …like, DUH.

“No one is perfect, that’s why pencils have erasers”
Pencils are for screw-ups and LOSERS.   Competent people use PENS.

“You’re never too old to learn.”
When you get to the point of forgetting to wear pants, drool in your oatmeal, and answer the waffle iron when the phone rings,  it’s probably safe to say your learning days are over.

“When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”
You mean, like orgies and stuff?

“You can do anything you want…if you just put your mind to it.”
“Okay…I’m 46 years old.  I suddenly REALLY want to fly the space shuttle, win the Nobel Prize in Physics, and then win the Boston Marathon.

But that should be no problem if I put my mind to it, right?

…Right?

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