Treasured Stories From My Childhood That Would Traumatize Today’s Kids

Based on a storybook I’ve had for as long as I can remember:  “The Tall Book of Nursery Tales“.

I loved this book, and I still do.   I remember looking at the pictures, before I was old enough to read.

But Caillou and the Berenstain Bears, this ain’t.

If they printed a book like this today, it would last on the bookshelves for two minutes, because granola-parents everywhere would be holding candle-light vigils demanding to have it banned.

Here are a few examples:

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Chicken Licken

Synopsis:

We all know this one.  Chicken Licken thinks the sky is falling, and convinces his friends Turkey Lurkey and Cocky (snicker) Locky and Goosey Loosey (etc.) to go see the king and let him know.

They eventually  bump into Foxy Loxy, who promises to take them there…

After which point, Foxy Loxy lures them into his hole and they get EATEN.

What a lovely, happy ending!

(Well, for the foxes, at least).

With all those birds, I wonder if they had turducken?

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The GingerBread Boy

Synopsis:

Some woman bakes a Gingerbread Boy, who comes to life.   The obnoxious little shit keeps running away and nobody can catch him.

Eventually, a sly fox tricks the Gingerbread Boy into climbing onto his back while he swims across the river.

At which point, the Gingerbread box gets EATEN.

(And that was the end of that gingerbread boy).

You gotta love the look of pure, unabashed glee as the fox gulps down the screaming Gingerbread Boy alive.

You just don’t get that kind of drama with Richard Scarry.

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The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Synopsis:

Another story we all know well: a boy is supposed to watch the sheep.  He keeps crying “Wolf!” and the villagers run to help him.  But every time, it’s just a joke, he just keeps fooling them. Eventually, the villagers catch on, and and stop running to help.  Until one day, it’s too late…

The final scene shows the villagers running to help the boy, once they realize it IS a real wolf, this time…

I don’t know what’s more frightening:  the concept of being eaten by a wolf, or the murderous rage displayed by the townsfolk as they rush to dispatch the wolf.

Check out Cousin Cletus in the lead.   He just ain’t right, leading one to suspect his parents were siblings.

For crying out loud, they even have a 5-year-old girl running to join in on the kill-fest.

Geez.  They sure didn’t like wolves back then.

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The Three Little Pigs

Synopsis:

The Big Bad Wolf terrorizes some pigs, and promises to huff and puff and blow their houses down.   But the third pigs’ house is made of brick that the Big Bad Wolf cant’ destroy.  So he sneaks down the chimney…

…only to land in pot of BOILING WATER that the pigs had laid out as a trap.

Like I said…they sure didnt’ like wolves back then.

But you cant’ help but feel sorry for the Big Bad Wolf.   Sure, he’s trying to eat the pigs, but he’s a wolf…whaddya expect?   That’s what carnivores do.

As opposed to the pig.   Look at his expression.  This goes beyond self-defense.  The sick little bastard:  he’s absolutely DELIGHTED to be torturing his enemy and scalding him alive.

Makes you wonder:  who’s the REAL villain, here?

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Tags: childrens stories, Grimm Tales, humor, politically incorrect

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