Treasured Stories From My Childhood That Would Traumatize Today’s Kids

Based on a storybook I’ve had for as long as I can remember:  “The Tall Book of Nursery Tales“.

I loved this book, and I still do.   I remember looking at the pictures, before I was old enough to read.

But Caillou and the Berenstain Bears, this ain’t.

If they printed a book like this today, it would last on the bookshelves for two minutes, because granola-parents everywhere would be holding candle-light vigils demanding to have it banned.

Here are a few examples:

a

Chicken Licken

Synopsis:

We all know this one.  Chicken Licken thinks the sky is falling, and convinces his friends Turkey Lurkey and Cocky (snicker) Locky and Goosey Loosey (etc.) to go see the king and let him know.

They eventually  bump into Foxy Loxy, who promises to take them there…

After which point, Foxy Loxy lures them into his hole and they get EATEN.

What a lovely, happy ending!

(Well, for the foxes, at least).

With all those birds, I wonder if they had turducken?

a

The GingerBread Boy

Synopsis:

Some woman bakes a Gingerbread Boy, who comes to life.   The obnoxious little shit keeps running away and nobody can catch him.

Eventually, a sly fox tricks the Gingerbread Boy into climbing onto his back while he swims across the river.

At which point, the Gingerbread box gets EATEN.

(And that was the end of that gingerbread boy).

You gotta love the look of pure, unabashed glee as the fox gulps down the screaming Gingerbread Boy alive.

You just don’t get that kind of drama with Richard Scarry.

a

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Synopsis:

Another story we all know well: a boy is supposed to watch the sheep.  He keeps crying “Wolf!” and the villagers run to help him.  But every time, it’s just a joke, he just keeps fooling them. Eventually, the villagers catch on, and and stop running to help.  Until one day, it’s too late…

The final scene shows the villagers running to help the boy, once they realize it IS a real wolf, this time…

I don’t know what’s more frightening:  the concept of being eaten by a wolf, or the murderous rage displayed by the townsfolk as they rush to dispatch the wolf.

Check out Cousin Cletus in the lead.   He just ain’t right, leading one to suspect his parents were siblings.

For crying out loud, they even have a 5-year-old girl running to join in on the kill-fest.

Geez.  They sure didn’t like wolves back then.

a

The Three Little Pigs

Synopsis:

The Big Bad Wolf terrorizes some pigs, and promises to huff and puff and blow their houses down.   But the third pigs’ house is made of brick that the Big Bad Wolf cant’ destroy.  So he sneaks down the chimney…

…only to land in pot of BOILING WATER that the pigs had laid out as a trap.

Like I said…they sure didnt’ like wolves back then.

But you cant’ help but feel sorry for the Big Bad Wolf.   Sure, he’s trying to eat the pigs, but he’s a wolf…whaddya expect?   That’s what carnivores do.

As opposed to the pig.   Look at his expression.  This goes beyond self-defense.  The sick little bastard:  he’s absolutely DELIGHTED to be torturing his enemy and scalding him alive.

Makes you wonder:  who’s the REAL villain, here?

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7 Comments on “Treasured Stories From My Childhood That Would Traumatize Today’s Kids”

  1. Lori Franks Says:

    I love these stories! I read them as a kid too. Thanks for the laugh.

  2. topiclessbar Says:

    Thanks for this post! I got into an argument recently with a group of people who claimed the Boy Who Cried Wolf doesn’t die – that the end of the story is ambiguous. Dang right he dies! I feel happy now knowing that little boy was eaten.

  3. Dave Says:

    These stories wouldn’t traumatize the kids they would just scare the parents. Kids can tell the difference between reality and fairy tales. It’s adults that can’t. Have I told you the one about the politician who is going to cut taxes but not services. Now that’s traumatic.


  4. We have these books! And the other Tall Books in the series. Always loved them. (Can’t you just hear the wolf’s jaws going snap as he gobbles up the Gingerbread boy) So I guess we have unknowingly tramatized the little guys while we howled with glee when reading them at bedtime? Thanks for the great post

  5. Friar Says:

    @Lori

    Yes. Isn’t it AMAZING that we somehow escaped these trauma unscathed, and are now fully functioning normal adults? :-)

    @Topicless Bar
    Yeah, I never got upset that the boy died or anything. I just thought: well, he screwed around in a dangerous situtation, serves him right. He deserved it.

    @Dave
    Truth is stranger (and scarier) than fiction. I’d rather deal with wolves and foxes, than our present-day MPs and MPPs.

    @Philospher
    You mean there are MORE of these type of books? DANG! I wish I had had them! I’ve tempted to go on Ebay and see if I can find any.

  6. Opal Says:

    They did neuter those fairy tales. Years later, when I read one of the doctored stories I was slightly surprised. Grimm’s fairy tales, have gotten a complete overhaul too, thankfully I have the complete (untouched) works of Grimm where the ending isn’t always pleasant.

    Thanks for the laugh. :)

  7. Friar Says:

    @Opal

    Ugh. Today’s story books are all about learning to share and helping others. Makes me want to gag.

    I feel sorry for today’s kids. If we won’t even give them the change to experience something as harmless as Grimm’s fairy tales, how are they going to be able to cope with LIFE?


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