“I WANT HIM TO BE MY BESTFRIEND AND MY LIFETIME PARTNER.NO HIDING SECRETS AND WANT HIM TO BE HONEST AND SO DO I AND I WANT HIM FOR SURE FROM THE PLACE I LIKE BASICALLY FROM OREGON. HOPE TO MEET YOU SOON….I am waiting for you…..”

Okay…okay!  We get it.

YOU WANT HIM !!!!

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“Find the poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer: The Invitation ….. it gives me peace and breath – If you cannot find it .. ask me .. I will be happy to send it to you “

Umm…no.

That’s okay. I”ll pass.

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“LOVETOLAUGH6999″

Er…interesting choice of numbers.

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“I LIKE BEING ADVENTOURIS,AND LIKE TRYING NEW THINGS AND SEEING NEW THINGS.”

I like your capitals.

I like that you like new things.

And I like your very original spelling of “adventurous”.

I must admit, in all my years, I’ve never seen it written that way.

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You really gotta love the ads where they include photos of their tats.

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“I’m not into head games or drama, so please move on to the next profile if you are! “

Damn! You caught on to me….!

Because that’s what us guys do…

We go out of our way to sign up for on-line dating sites and answer ads, just to deliberately play head games with the ladies, so we can make BOTH our lives miserable.

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“I’m most grateful for the relationship I had with my step father and the time I had with him before he died. “

Just wondering…WHY would this be the FIRST SENTENCE you’d write in your dating ad?

Carry baggage, much?

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“I’m intelligent, self-aware…”

Oh, Great.

A date with SKY-NET.

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“I don’t like to play mind-game. I believes that people who is game player like to play game. It is Out of Respect to the person.”

Uh…yes. People who “is game player” usually like to play games.

By definition.

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“Life and love can be pretty overwhelming but you don’t scare easily. Instead, at those times, you look to the Lord and realize that, “(He has) not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Most importantly, you MUST have a genuine relationship with Christ – not just one you talk about, but one that you live and can share with anyone, especially with me. “

Wow…when you already start preaching that much in your dating ad, I can just imagine how much fun you’d be in real life.

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“I enjoy learning about different cultures;whether it be in historical literature or travelling to different countries, viewing the ancient architecture and discovering my own insignificance in the grand scheme. “

Well, you go on to learn about ancient architecture and your own insignificance.

In the grand scheme, I’m going to choose to ignore your ad.

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“About him: …He is a family man and sees his unborn children in my eyes… “

Lady, I don’t see ANY unborn children in ANYONE’s eyes, just yet.

At least, not before the first date.

And probably not the 2nd or 3rd either….

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“I have Cats. I like Dogs, Horses. I own 1 cat who is 19 yrs and has kidney disease. “

Boggles my mind, why they’d enter that last comment about their sick cat.

Unless they’re also trying to attract cat-haters…

…to let them know that Kitty will be gone soon.

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“Mixed media artist. I work in a stimulating and creative environment and embrace with ingenuity and courage the eye opening practicalities of life. “

“Ingenuity” and “courage” ?

Geezus, get OVER yourself, lady.

I’m a bit of an artist too.

But mainly, because I like to paint.

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“I accept other people and their ways of thinking and believing because no one person truly changes. I am open to listening to new and different ideas, or at least to take it in and if not, I’ll let it go. I am neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle. Also known as easy going, independant, and open to what the future has to offer. “

I neither like nor hate this ad.

Or maybe not.

It all depends, on what the future has to offer.

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“Friendly respect thoughtful love to laugh honest understanding caring trustworthy one man woman love nature Love God and a hard working woman. looking for a serious relationship and shared the same quality that leads to marriage if all goes well.”

I always get thrown off when they have to mention God, within the first couple of sentences.

I’m not trying to be saved at this moment.

I’m just looking for a first date.

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“The simplest way I can describe my outlook on life is by sharing my favourite quote….. Life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away. “

Oh, for crying out loud. Stop relying on quotes from dead people.

Take the time to describe yourself in your own words.

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“He has depth, and a great sense of humor. Someone who is honest and keeps it real, no games, no lies, no drama.”

I like how these ads constantly mention that they’re not into head games and lies and drama.

As if there are some people who enjoy this stuff.

Don’t forget to add: “I’m not into having a 10-inch spike nailed into my forehead, being bitten poisonous snakes, and being on fire”.

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“must be a gentle good hearted all the above well dressed smart love camping im a devoted person who i will with like the same thing or maybe a littke more than me im a honest type of preson like to try anything with reason at least once will try to do what the other person like”

Another English Major, here.

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“I’m a very affectioned, fun, loving, carin, honest person. I looking for a one on one, lasting relationship…my soul mate an friend…some one who can laugh together….communication is the key to a good relationship”

If this ad was from a new-comer to this country, I could almost excuse the poor English.

But, according to their profile, they were born and raised in Canada.

Wow.

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“If you are a big pet or animal person that might be OK but I should warn you I am not like that. I will respect your animal, because of course they are far more lovable than humans, but I probably won’t find your pet very interesting and that might annoy you over time. “

I’m already annoyed, and I don’t even own a pet.

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Okay.  You’re proud of your cleavage.

We GET it.

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“I am looking for a romantic at heart, a big old softie; I promise I won’t tell your guy friends, if you end up crying at a chick flick. “

Lady, if I would ever cry at a chick flick, it’s because I’d have just wasted 2 hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Not to mention having blown ten bucks.

I liked it so much I decided to paint it.

I enjoy painting winter scenes, because basicially, I’m lazy.    Since the scene is mostly snow, you really dont’ really have to paint that much, you can leave a lot of the sheet blank.  The only downside is, that whatever you do paint, really has to count and be just right, because you can’t hide your mistakes.  

Notice I took some artistic license with the painting.     For one thing, I left out the grey cloud near the horizon.  It wouldn’t have fit in well, it would have looked like a blob.   Plus,  the white paper by itself would have made the scene look harsh.  So I added some cadmium yellow and yellow orchre to the snow, to warm things up.   I also didn’t try to paint every branch or twig, or it would have looked like a fuster-cluck.

I think I only used 7-8 different colors for this painting.  Cadmium yellow, yellow orchre,  Van Dyke brown, a few umbers, Cerulean Blue, Cobalt Blue and Paynes Grey.

I used a knife blade to scrape the paper on trees on the left, to highlight them.   I had to hold my breath when I did this, because essentially it’s damaging the paper.   If you get it wrong, there’s no going back and you can ruin the whole painting.

Luckily I don’t think I did.  

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Remember, no Saxon can make you feel inferior, unless you allow it.

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Try a veggie

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Make a drakkar out of bacon, and sail it to Vinland.

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Take a bath once this year, whether you need it or not.

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Punch a unicorn.   Just because.

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Soon, it will be Christmas, and it will be time to take out my Matchbox cars again.

This is a little tradition I’ve started.

I’ve loved Matchbox cars, ever since I can remember.

I used to get them a lot.    I remember as early as ages 2 and 3.    That would have been circa 1967, before Hot Wheels even came out.

I’d get them for Christmas or a birthday.  Sometimes, for no reason at all.

My grandparents would buy them for me.  Or aunts or uncles.

Or my Dad.   He might walk into a store with me, and we’d pick one out together.

Some Matchboxes would be trucks.   Some would be cars.

Others would be  ”Models of Yesteryear”, which were old-fashioned cars from the early 1900′s.   Those were special, and I only had 2-3 of  those.

I cherished and played with all those little cars for years, and I still have a lot of the original ones.

But they’re not much to look at today,  with all the scratches and dents from hours of play.

Yet I still hold onto them.

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Fast forward 40 years.

I still collect Matchbox cars.

Not the cheap plastic ones they make today from China,  but the original ones from the 60′s and early 70′s, from my childhood

They”re hard to find these days.   They’ve become “collectible”.

The odd antique store might have them.  Or you can  buy them on Ebay.

And to get one in mint condition is quite a find.

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So imagine my surprise when, one day about 8 years ago,  my Dad gave me a present.

A friend of his was moving,  Dad explained, and was selling some of his things.   So Dad had bought a few items, which he thought I might like.

He gave me a box and when I opened it, I found a Matchbox car wrapped in tissue.

And another.

And another.

And other.

When I had finished, it was over a dozen.

I couldn’t’ believe my eyes.

Mint condition “Models of Yesteryear”,  no less.

Including some cars I’ve always wanted, but never had.

And also brand-new versions of the old beaten-up wrecks I still held onto.

It’s like I had hit the Mother Lode.

Now, you must realize, my Dad wasn’t the type of person who displayed his emotions openly.   In fact, he could be a bit gruff, at times.

But when he saw my face, and how excited I got became,  he started to get misty-eyed, and I’ll never forget that moment.

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Dad’s gone now.

I still have those precious cars, and keep them wrapped up in tissue and the box they came in.

But I take them out once in a while, to look at them.

Especially on Christmas Day.

Because it reminds me of my Dad, who I kinda hope might be watching.

And it reminds me of the time he thought of me,  and got me that one special gift.

It might not have been the most expensive or fancy thing I’ve ever gotten from him.

But it was certainly the best.

Here’s what I’d like to see for Christmas 2011.

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All the fruitcake on the planet will be loaded onto one huge rocket, and launched into the sun.

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It’ll be against the law to give clothes as gifts to any kid under 10.

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The Turkey Stuffing Fairy will see to it that turkey stuffing everywhere will be raisin-free.

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Charlie Brown will finally stop taking crap from Lucy.

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The Abominable Snow-Monster will get to keep all this teeth, this time.

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Children’s Aid will get involved, and see to it that those poor Frosty kids have decent winter clothes, for a change.

There’s always a story behind every one of my paintings, including my bad art.

I had almost forgotten about this one, which I did about 11 years ago.

I was living in the West Island of Montreal at the the time, and I remember that I had taken my paints out to the waterfront, to try to capture Mount Royal and the downtown skyline in the distance.

The painting already wasn’t going well.   The colors of the sky were already not going the way I wanted.

To add to my aggravation, a toddler and his dad had to come and stand right next to me.    They had the whole park to go to, yet they had to stand right beside ME.

And this was one of those little obnoxious kids who would never shut up.   He kept asking his daddy questions, over and over again, and daddy kept answering while referring to himself in the third person.

Drove me nuts.    And my painting suffered, as a result.

And that’s when I put in Godzilla.

I always say, if you’ve already ruined a painting,  then you might as well have some fun out of it.

At the time,  I was determined to cover the entire sheet of paper.

And I succeeded.

I’d never done this before, nor since.

But it gives you an idea of how EXCEPTIONALLY BORING the meeting was.

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Oh..Geez. You’re not one of those women who are constantly asking “Tell me what you’re thinking about right now.”….are you?

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“My cat Cashemere, is all white with pink ears, and he is very good boy; I love him and he welcomes me home when I open the door; he brings a smile on my face at all times. I hope to meet that kind man who would love Cashemere as well. “

Hmm…sounds like a match. When is Cashmere available to go out on a date?

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“i amromantic and passioni believe on honesty and like everyone have days and bad but i love to talk about that too the is more about me to find out in time i am looking for a honestand loving man who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies and so muct iwould likre the man to know that we can talk about anyhing and yes he has to believe in family value . i am looking for a man that enjoy;s life.”

Finally! A passioni woman who enjoys roamnce and dancing movies. And who believes in family value.

And I like the way she replaces periods with i’s.

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“Moderately tattooed redhead with a passion for health and wellness and arts and culture…”

Ummm…define “moderately tattooed”.

Because by today’s standards, that might mean you only still have your eyelids intact.

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“YES im looking for man that he is nice,understand ,loving humble,caring a good relation with the lord and he good job and sweet prson. And i want that he is resposeble man and i want he is also good to my friend and families ,and most specially hard working . “

This look good match. I am man is nice and I good job. Also caring with the lord.

And you can ask my friends….I am a VERY resposeble person.

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“will what i am looking for my partner or ideal man in life is hes honest from head to foot to me if i accept you as you are just because of your not just because your good looking and good talking”

Good Lord. I think my brain just burst a blood vessel trying to read this sentence.

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“I truly believe: Laughter is the best medicine. Good things come to those who wait.
There is a lesson in everything that happens and everything happens for a reason.
The only thing in life that is constant is change. Good things come in small packages – like me!!! “

Ah, I see you must have taken that night class in “Hackneyed Cliches 101″

PS. No offense, but based on your photo, I would not exactly say you come in a “small” package.

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“I work in the fitness and hospitality industries so I feel that I do have my fingers on the pulse of the mainstream. Not sure if that’s such a good thing, but I digress….”

I’m not sure if that’s such a good thing either.  Or a bad thing.  In fact, I’m not sure what the heck you’re talking about, period.

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“I am grateful to have a lots of friend and to go shopping with them.”

Like, you know…even if you’re like, 48,  like your ad says, it’s always, like, cool to go to the mall with your friends and shop.

And, like, OMG, there’s a sale on at the Gap today. I am SO there!

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“…Watching movies, sports, going to see my Dad in Niagara (oh ya, a car is a must).”

Let me get this straight.

You basically want me to play chauffeur, so we can go visit your DAD?

(Oh, be still my beating heart!)

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“Hi,  I can describe myself as a good looking single female that doesn’t put so much emphasis on people’s looks but what comes with it…”

Then why did you write that you were good-looking, in your first sentence?

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Listed under “For Fun”:  ”Christian girl who loves God passionately! Serving Him is my # 1 priority.”

That’s what you honestly put down, what you like to do for FUN?

REALLY?

Well, at least that helps explain why you’re still single.

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“looking to meet new people …and maybe a long lasting relation ..long term.. loser stay away and liers to…”

Good thing she provides this warning.   Because I can just picture it:  hundreds men, on the verge of responding to this ad, and asking themselves:

“Am I a loser? Hmmm….wait…OMG! Yes I am! And she told me to stay away! Phew! That was close!   Good thing I caught myself on time and didn’t answer back!”

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“I am a good listener..and find myself providing counsel and advice even to my ex’s on occasion…true! “

Just a suggestion. But maybe if you listened a little bit LESS…and stopped being a therapist to your exes, it might help your dating situation and you wouldn’t have to post ads here.

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” I love paintings-my favourite painter is Marc Chagall; reading books on Jewish Mysticism-Abraham Heschel and Martin Buber and Eastern Mysticsm; ‘seeing tons of sensitive movies- The Thin Red Line, Sophie’s Choice, Never Cry Wolf, Dr.Zhivago; meditative music-Enya, Bjork, Philip Glass, Yo Yo Ma, but also blues music-Stevie Ray Vaughn”

WOW.  Ms. Perfesser.

As for me, I like to watch SpongeBob

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“I am faithful and loyal to partners who supply lots of emotional and finacial security, sexual diversity and intellecutal challenge”

Well, we’re in luck, then. Because my finacial investments are sound, and I consider myself quite the intellecutal.

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“Volunteering has become a larger part of my life over the past year. This has been a selfish pleasure for me as I feel in some way that I am making a small difference in the world. “

A “selfish pleasure”?

Mother Theresa, get OVER yourself.

You know, you could just say “I like to volunteer”.

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I’m not into head games or drama, so please move on to the next profile if you are! “

I’m moving on..but not because I”m into head games or drama.

But because this is the shittiest most negative first sentence in a dating ad I’ve ever read.

By the way, carry baggage, much?

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“Being healthy is importan to me. This does not mean that I will not dive into a bowl of my favorite ice cream once in a while, it means that I have choices and often I realize that it is a good choice to eat smarter and exercise regularily.”

Ahh…a nutrition lesson.

That’s EXACTLY the type of turn-on that us guys look for in these ads.

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“I’m a 39 yo woman who knows want and doesn’t want in life Not much into conventionnal sport.My sport that i.m involved in is balooning(hot air ballooon). I love being in nature to resource myself and relaxing.”

I’m a 47 yo old man who doesn’t know WTF you’re talking about.

If English is not your first language, I suggest you have a friend help you write your ad.

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“My ideal match would be some one who cares about me for me.  Not looking for ANY THING THEY CAN;T OFFER THATS OK NO PRESSURE.”

Wow…I already feel like I’ve gotten in shit with you, and we haven’t even gone on a first date yet.

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“My idea match is someone looking to have a realationship with no head games and no dishonesty.”

That’s a wonderful outlook.    Keep reaching for the stars.  Don’t settle for second-best.   And you’ll find your idea soul-mate in no time!