Posted tagged ‘Cap’n Crunch’

My American Cereal Collection

August 7, 2013

Whenever I travel to the States, I stock up on the junk food that you can’t get in Canada.    Especially the cereals.

Here’s my latest stash:

1.   Crunch Berries 

We used to be able to get these when I was a kid.   But somewhere along the line,  Crunch Berries moved back South of the Border, and now we’re stuck with just the plain old Cap’n Crunch.

Notice the berries are multi-colored now.   I remember when they only came on one color:  bright pink.

Also notice how manic-looking the Cap’n has become.     He ain’t quite right….he’s not the friendly,  kindly-looking Cap’n that we grew up with.

I dunno…maybe he’s  OD’ing on all the sugar.

1.  Cereal Crunch Berries IMG_3376

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Cocoa Puffs

Again,  I have fold memories of these as a kid (while visiting Grandma, of course).   There’s no way in hell Friar’s Mom would ever stoop so low as to buy these for us.

But, just like with Crunch Berries,  you just cant’ get these here any more.    (Count Chocula, either).

You don’t know what you got, till it’s gone. (*sigh*)

And check out the look of pure delight, while Sonny (who’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs) tries to navigate through a tidal wave of pure chocolate.

Screw the yogurt and nuts.   Which normal, healthy, red-blooded kid wouldn’t love a breakfast like that?

Say what you will, but any cereal that turns the milk brown, has got my respect.

1. Cereal Cocoa Puffs IMG_3373a

Apple Jacks 

We can still occasionally get these in Canada.   But not with MARSHMALLOWS.

And why add marshmallows, you may ask?

Because they CAN.

1. Cereal Apple Jacks IMG_3372

And look at the apple with the bulging eyes.     He also ain’t quite right….thought the cinnamon dude looks like he’d be fun to party with.

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Cookie Crisp 

This is my favorite.    You just gotta admire the in-your-face attitude from General Mills. …how they don’t even TRY to pretend this cereal/candy isn’t loaded with sugar.

Look, kids:  it’s like eating a big bowl of cookies.

Which really, isn’t that far from the truth.

1. Cereal Cookie CrispIMG_3371

Cereal Box Literature Reviews

April 9, 2010

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By Professor Friar,  PhD in Cerealogical Linguistics

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Crispix

The box starts with a dark blue color on top, with serious nutrition information in the upper right corner.

The tones then gradually change into a lighter-blue,  ending where the Crispix pieces dance gleefully in bowl of milk, with the help of the whimsical Snap, Crack and Pop.

The transition is seamless, and is a an apt metaphor for the North American post-modern lifestyle.

Even though we adults have many responsibilities, the author reminds us to “lighten up”, and to remember our childhood roots, which made us who we are today.

As if to emphasize this point, the back of the box repeats this theme, but this time, our elf companions are replaced with sweet fruit and berries.

A commentary, perhaps, on our obsession withe materialism: we should take time to enjoy the simpler things in life.   We can still have our cake and eat it to, provided we adopt an attitude of responsibility and moderation.

So as not to take itself too seriously, and not to alienate younger audiences,  the back of the box displays friendly alien creatures, who invite us to check out a “mission nutrition” web sit.

In addition, the side of the box provides a recipe for Kellogg’s Crispix Krispies Original Mix, an activity that the whole family can participate in.

All in all, I found this box an excellent read:  informative, yet entertaining for both adults and children alike.

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Cheerios

The title proudly announces itself in bold black letters.  It is assertive, confident and inviting.

The golden rays emanating from the single oaten O dotting the “i” suggest warmth and goodness, a treasure that the Godless Demeter herself would be proud of endorsing.

This theme is then suddenly punctuated by  “1 gram of sugar per serving “.  At first, this appears as an afterthought, but upon repeated readings, it soon becomes apparent that this is a crucial side-story.   The 1-gram sugar is the Duncanesque foil the Macbethian Cheerios.

The heart-shaped bowl, however, is somewhat over-the-top.   Whether indicating true amorous feelings, or cardiovascular benefits, the symbolism was a bit too obvious here.     However, the intentions are well-meaning, and most readers will accept this minor oversight.

At this point, however, the plot unexpectedly shifts.   Out of the blue (literally), the storyline is abruptly broken by a free yogurt ad.

The boldly emblazoned banner takes over the story, and seems rude, crass, and out-of-place.  Cheerios has been around for decades.  However, the yogurt is just another johnny-come-lately trying to ride on its coattails.

The yogurt character development continues on the back, which the reader cannot identify nor sympathize with.   The familiar heart-shape cereal bowl weakly tries to make a reprise, but the damage is already done.

This box started off well.   But the author allowed the yogurt to completely over-shadow the cereal itself, leaving the reader confused, and without a sense of closure.

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Cap’n Crunch

The story line is deceivingly  simple, yet we find ourselves drawn to the box, again and again.  There is a riveting sense of anticipation here.

The Cap’n admires his cereal, yet he seems to be reluctant to eat it, let alone touch it.

It leaves the reader puzzled.   What’s stopping him?  Is it lack of confidence?  Is it fear of disappointment?

No.  There is almost a Zen-like childish innocence here.    The Cap’n seems enthralled by the beauty of it all, almost like he wishes to make this magic moment last forever.

This sense of optimism is reminiscent to that found in early 20th-century literature.  The Cap’n is our modern-day Hemingway.   He’s a sea captain, and a rugged outdoors-man, a man of many talents.

Even when losing his sled dog in the Arctic, for example, he maintains a stiff upper lip.   Rather than wallow in self-pity, he enlists our help to find the do, which we gladly do.    The dog shares his optimism, also smiling, despite a sharp mountain peak wedged on his posterior.

However, the Cap’n is not 100% sincere.  Just as we are drawn into his adventure, he averts his gaze away from the ice-capped peaks and dangerous mountain trails, and directs us towards the Aeroplan offer on specially marked Quaker Products.

“Come join me”, he seems to invite us.   But it comes with a price.

I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine.

This is a harsh lesson for less mature-readers to learn.

But a valid one, no less.

The Cap’n is losing it

April 18, 2009

I was in the U.S. last week and I treated myself to Crunch Berry cereal.

This is actually a big deal, if you live in Canada and you’re a cereal fan like I am.

You see, we don’t HAVE Crunch Berries up here.

We USED to…back in the 70′s.  I remember Crunch Berries as a kid: big ~ 3/4 inch bright magenta strawberry-flavored spheres mixed in with the regular Cap’n Crunch Cereal. I used to pick around them, eating the yellow pieces, and saving the Crunch Berries till last.  It was AWESOME!

Then, suddenly, they stopped selling it in Canada.   I can’t remember the last time I had Crunch Berries.  At least 20 years ago.

So last weekend, when I was in Vermont, I bought myself a couple of boxes.  But I couldn’t help but notice a few things.

crunch-capn

First of all, WTF is up with the Crunch Berries?   Now they’re considerately smaller (down to a ~ 1/2 inch diameter).   And they’d added a bunch of colors, including some flaming fluorescent green and blue. (Which, even by junk cereal standards, is kinda pushing it).

And you know what?…it’s NOT the same!

I mean, the cereal is okay…but it’s not like how I remember.  They’ve altered the berry/cereal surface area ratio.  It changes EVERYTHING.   You don’t get that sudden burst of red Crunch Berry flavor with the new smaller berries, than you did with the old larger ones.

Even more disturbing, is look at the Cap’n.   He ain’t quite right.   He looks a manic….The eyes are more buggy and lop-sided.   His smile is now more of a grimace (notice his teeth are showing).  And you can see right down past his tonsils.

He’s CHANGED, man!

If you don’t believe me,  see what he USED to look like, not to long ago.   His smile was gentler, he was more concerned about Trans-Fats, than about “Crunchetizing” us.   (Whatever THAT means!)

capn

This sudden change in personality worries me.   Substance abuse, perhaps?

Is it possible the Cap’n might be tripping on something?  (The Crunch Berries themselves?).  Maybe he needs an intervention with the Trix Rabbit and the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

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Sigh.  Why do things have to change?    If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

General Mills, please bring back the old Crunch Berry formula.

Please.

And get the Capn’ some professional help.

Breakfast Cereal Haiku

January 4, 2009

cereal

 Just follow your nose.
Talking toucans make no sense.
Why is he British?

Apple Jack flavour.
The actual apples here:
Parts per million. 

Mean children don’t share.
Trix are for kids, they will tease.
Making Rabbit cry.

Oh, Captain, your food! 
Yes it stays crunchy in milk.
But it hurts the mouth.

Never has puffed wheat.
Ever been pursued so much.
By the Noble Bear. 

Catch the Leprechaun!
Steal his food which is not ours.
Children need spanking.

Bellowing Tiger,
I will buy your cereal.
Please do not eat me.

Pebble-shaped fruit rocks. 
That one cave man will forbid.
His friend from eating. 

For crying out loud.
Fred don’t be such an asshole.
Just give Barney some.  

Chocolate Vampire.
What happened to your Brother ?
Where’s FrankenBerry?

How can half-sugar
Be part of a Good Breakfast?
Help! Diabetes! 

The prize in the box
Compared to the cereal
Has more nutrition.


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