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When the Bad Guy on TV ties up the Damsel-in-Distress, he always does a lousy job. But she’ll still sit there helplessly for hours.
And when the Good Guy comes to the rescue, it takes him maybe 2 seconds to loosen the ropes.
Makes you wonder: was she even TRYING to get free on her own?
Shittiest. Escape artist. Ever.
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To sound like a stereotypical native-American in the movies, just state the blatantly obvious, and use animal references to make it sound like ancient wisdom.
For example:
“When the wolf feels hunger, it will hunt and eat. When it has eaten its fill, it will hunger no more”.
Try it.
It helps if you speak slowly, and pause thoughtfully as you say it.
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If Bill Gates is such a gazillionaire, why can’t he hire someone to give him a decent hair cut?
He looks like turtle, for Chrissakes.
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Forget the genetically-modified corn, radishes, carrots.
Show me plants that can grow pizza, cheeseburgers and chicken wings.
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On the cartoon Superfriends, it takes them so much longer to explain how to deal with an on-coming threat, than the time it takes for the actual threat to occur.
“Great Mechanical Horrors, Batman! Those giant robotic horses are galloping straight at us at full speed. They’ll be here within seconds! We’ll be trampled!”
“Not if I can help it, Robin. I’ll tie the Bat-Electromagnet on the end of the Bat-Lasso, and try to magnetize those rail-road tracks over there, which will hopefully cause an electric field that will short-circuit the Horse-robots”
While you’re at it, Batman, why don’t you issue a memo in triplicate?
Shouldn’t those robots have KILLED YOU by now?
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The same exact dialogue over heard on every TV fishing show:
- Hey, Bubba! I got one!
- Oh, wow. NICE FISH.
- Yeah. Wow! That’s a NICE FISH!
- Woo-hooo! Look at him jump. What a NICE FISH.
- Get the net ready..there he is…NICE FISH!
- (Picking it up). Hoooo-Weee. NICE FISH!
If we ever removed the words “Nice Fish” from the English language, those shows would perish.
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On Star Trek they have transporters that allow them to beam themselves all across the Universe.
Imagine how else they could apply this technology?
What about some kind of biomedical implant that goes in the digestive tract, that collects your waste and beams it somewhere else?
Think about it. Never having to go to the bathroom again.
Never having to pull over on the side of the road, or getting up in the middle of the night to do your business.
That would be AWESOME.
But where would they transport the waste to ?
Jersey, maybe…?
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Quick. Think of a woman named “Bertha”.
Are you picturing someone slim and attractive?
I didn’t think so.
Me either.
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Polly wanna cracker?
Yes. What a wonderful natural food for a captive bird.
They used to eat crackers in the tropical rain forest EVERYWHERE.
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Ladies, at wedding receptions, when the DJ plays that infernal song “Hot Hot Hot “…
And you try to get everyone to join a Conga line…
Please.
For the love of God.
PLEASE…
DO NOT force us men to participate !!!
Just LEAVE US BE.
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The laws of entropy dictate that sandwiches lose their taste the second you leave the house.
Try it. Make a fresh sandwich. Bring it outside your front door for 2 seconds. Now walk back inside and take a bite.
You might as well be eating cardboard.
Fuck. This is why I hate brown-bagging my lunch.
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If there was a mutant fungus or plant virus that attacked Lima bean crops world-wide, causing this nasty legume to become extinct…
…well, I wouldn’t exactly be heart-broken, would I?
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Oscar the Grouch: TV’s first homeless person.
No wonder he was in such a pissy mood all the time.
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On Three’s Company, how many times does Janet asks Jack:
“Can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?”
And they go inside and have a big noisy discussion?
And the person in the next room 10 feet away is oblivious and can’t hear a thing being said?
Geez. Where can I get an fantastic sound-proof swinging kitchen door like that?
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Nobody on Star Trek (The Next Generation) ever talks the way normal people do in everyday life.
The dialogue is so stilted and fake, you might as well be watching a play.
Instead of asking:
“Hey, guys, let’s go down to the pub and pound back a few brewskis.”,
Captain Picard would say something like:
“Number One, Data. It would delight me if you would accompany me to the Refreshment Facility and partake in a beverage.”
Umm, no thanks. I think I’d rather read go Plato or something.
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I don’t know what’s scarier to look at.
The chimpanzee-pelt hairpiece on top of Donald Trump’s Head.
Or Rosie O’Donnell’s head, all by itself?
(Good Lord, have you seen the SIZE of that thing?)
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I’d gladly pay big bucks to see a good entertainer perform live, in concert.
For a mediocre entertainer, I wouldn’t pay money, but if you gave me a free ticket, I’d probably go.
For someone I can’t stand, you would not only have to give me a free ticket, but you’d also have to PAY ME to go see them.
I put Céline Dion into that last category.
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Note to the guy at the gym:
Dude.
Working out with your baseball cap on backwards DOES NOT make you look bigger.
But it does drop your IQ by twenty points.
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If what the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) tells me is true, no sit-com or drama is worth airing on TV unless it:
a) is British
b) takes place before 1930
c) involves Natives somehow.
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Every orthopedic surgeon, by default, must have a shitty bed-side manner. It’s a prerequisite for med school.
I refer to my last knee specialist as “Dr. Toaster-Oven”.
Because he had all the warmth and personality of an electrical appliance.
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You know those horn-rimmed glasses, that are attached around the neck by a chain?
They give those out to Librarians.
But only after menopause.
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Yes, Aquaman. I realize that you can communicate with fish, and that you’re a respected super-hero…
…but what have you done for me LATELY?
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Where did the French-Candian name Réjean come from?
Maybe someone had a baby boy named Jean, and they liked the name so much they decided to re-cycle it when they had a 2nd kid.
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If you can somehow manage to eat an entire pound of butter, without drinking any water, the worst you can do is gain one pound.
Seriously.
If you don’t believe me, then don’t believe in the Law of Conservation of Mass, either.
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I challenge you to find a woman named “Pearl” or “Blanche” who is less than 65 years old.
I challenge you.
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On the Sound of Music, my favorite part is when that dorky Von Trapp boy sings:
“Adieu, Adieu, to Yieu, and Yieu, and Yieu-eu”
I’ll watch the entire saccharine-sweet movie, just to see that scene.
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On Gilligan’s Island, if the Professor wasn’t such a tool, and didn’t have his nose buried in his books so much, I bet you he’d have a chance with Ginger.
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Nuns were never little girls or teenagers.
No. They emerged as middle-aged women, when they hatched from Nun-Eggs at the Convent Incubator.
Mother Superior uses her ruler to break the egg shells to help them get out.
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When you’re an infant, each additional year is the equivalent of a whole other lifetime.
But when you’re older, each additional year now only represents a small fraction of your life.
So you see, the relative progress of time accelerates as you get older. Events and milestones will appear to occur more often.
Maybe this explains why Seniors drive so God-damned slowly.
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