At each and every weekly family meeting, the location of the front and back door is pointed out, in case of fire. (Just in case someone somehow forgets how to leave the house).
Mom and Dad blow $10,000 on a weekend “retreat” at luxurious 5-star resort, for the purpose of “determining the family’s path forward”. Upon their return, they announce that money is tight, and there will be no more McDonald’s. Ever.
Baby’s first words aren’t “ma-ma” or “da-da”. They’re “commitment”, “challenge” and “expectations”.
Sis is assigned as the Directing Manager of the ARF (Animals Receive Food) Committee. After 6 months of assessment, her first act is to put Rover on a strictly vegan diet. Everyone applauds this decision. (Except Rover).
The parents use lame-ass acronyms to remind the kids to do their chores. “Remember PTA: Put Toys Away!” “Okay, everyone, let’s apply MOB principles! Make our Beds!”.
A graphic artist is then hired to print these lame-ass acronyms on small laminated cards, for family members to wear around their neck along with their Family ID.
For his allowance, Big Brother has to do three times the work his younger brother does, but they both basically get the same money. When Big Brother questions the fairness of this, he’s profusely scolded and is told: “Well, it might seen unfair, but that’s that way it is.”
To get a raise in their allowance, every kid has to fill out 5 pages of forms saying what they did all year, and then have a one-on-one meeting with their folks. When all is said and done, the parents give everyone pretty much the same increase. It’s the equivalent of one extra stick of gum a week.
Parents can be as abusive as they want, and get away with it. If the kids complain, they’re told “At least be grateful that you have a family“.
Mom invents a new “improved” method of vacuuming the living room that accomplishes the same thing, but takes twice a long. Everyone is forced to learn it.
Dad refuses to pay his son $5.00 to wash the car, because it’s too much. Instead, he’ll hire his golf buddy down the street, and pay him $50.00 to do the same job.
Mom tracks how often Dad takes out the garbage on time, and calculates some kind of GDI (“Garbage Disposal Index”). The GDI results are presented at the next Quarterly Family Meeting, using colorful Powerpoint graphs. Nobody knows what the hell Mom’s talking about. Not even Mom.
Any dead-beat parents are absolved of all responsibility, and are sent away with huge wads of cash.
BBQ time requires the cook to wear a face-shield, rubber apron and fire-retardant gloves. A yellow tape barrier would mark off the back yard, preventing any unauthorized access. A fire-truck has to be within 50 feet at all times, on stand-by. There has to be a PSB (Pre-Steak Briefing) before the propane is even allowed to be turned on.
Meanwhile, there’s no food in the cupboards, because it’s taken 8 weeks to complete an “Optioneering Study” to decide what to put on the grocery list.
Junior’s failing report card is proudly displayed on the fridge. Because he failed less than his other classmates did, his grades are considered a “success” to the Organization.
Nobody’s allowed in the tree-house until they have proper training in fall-arrest equipment. Safety harnesses are required for anyone climbing about 6 feet.
There’s a 20 page procedure on how to do the laundry. It dates back to 1972, referring to a washing machine that no longer exists.
When baking, Mom has to have an MSDS (Material Data Safety Sheet) for every ingredient. The MSDS sheets have to be kept in a master 3-ring binder, by the phone, in case anyone gets injured or poisoned by eating too much sugar or flour.
A pipe breaks, and the basement’s filling with water. But nobody’s paying any attention. Everyone’s in the middle of a 2-hour ODM (Operational Decision Meeting) to debate the proper technique for washing your hands before supper.
Every year, the household spends twice as much money as it takes in. But no problem. The Government covers all costs.