If Households Were Run The Way Large Corporations Are…

At each and every weekly family meeting, the location of the front and back door is pointed out, in case of fire.    (Just in case someone somehow forgets how to leave the house).

Mom and Dad blow $10,000 on a weekend  “retreat” at luxurious 5-star resort, for the purpose of  “determining the family’s path forward”.    Upon their return, they announce that money is tight, and there will be no more McDonald’s.   Ever.

Baby’s first words aren’t  “ma-ma” or “da-da”.   They’re  “commitment”, “challenge” and  “expectations”.

Sis is assigned as the Directing Manager of the ARF (Animals Receive Food) Committee.   After 6 months of assessment,  her first act is to put Rover on a strictly vegan diet.   Everyone applauds this decision.  (Except Rover).

The parents use lame-ass acronyms to remind the kids to do their chores.  “Remember PTA:  Put Toys Away!”     “Okay, everyone, let’s apply MOB principles!  Make our Beds!”.

A graphic artist is then hired to print these lame-ass acronyms on small laminated cards,  for family members to wear around their neck along with their Family ID.

For his allowance, Big Brother has to do three times the work his younger brother does, but they both basically get the same money.  When Big Brother questions the fairness of this, he’s profusely scolded and is told:   “Well, it might seen unfair, but that’s that way it is.”

To get a raise in their allowance, every kid has to fill out 5 pages of forms saying what they did all year, and then have a one-on-one meeting with their folks.  When all is said and done, the parents give everyone pretty much the same increase.   It’s the equivalent of one extra stick of gum a week.

Parents can be as abusive as they want, and get away with it.   If the kids complain, they’re told “At least be grateful that you have a family“.

Mom invents a new “improved” method of vacuuming the living room that accomplishes the same thing, but takes twice a long.   Everyone is forced to learn it.

Dad refuses to pay his son $5.00 to wash the car, because it’s too much.    Instead, he’ll hire his golf buddy down the street, and pay him $50.00 to do the same job.

Mom tracks how often Dad takes out the garbage on time, and calculates some kind of GDI (“Garbage Disposal Index”).   The GDI results are presented at the next Quarterly Family Meeting, using colorful Powerpoint graphs.   Nobody knows what the hell Mom’s talking about.   Not even Mom.

Any dead-beat parents are absolved of all responsibility, and are sent away with huge wads of cash.

BBQ time requires the cook to wear a face-shield, rubber apron and fire-retardant gloves.  A yellow tape barrier would mark off the back yard, preventing any unauthorized access.   A fire-truck has to be within 50 feet at all times, on stand-by.    There has to be a PSB (Pre-Steak Briefing) before the propane is even allowed to be turned on.

Meanwhile, there’s no food in the cupboards, because it’s taken 8 weeks to complete an “Optioneering Study” to decide what to put on the grocery list.

Junior’s failing report card is proudly displayed on the fridge.    Because he failed less than his other classmates did, his grades are considered a “success” to the Organization.

Nobody’s allowed in the tree-house until they have proper training in fall-arrest equipment.  Safety harnesses are required for anyone climbing about 6 feet.

There’s a 20 page procedure on how to do  the laundry.  It dates back to 1972, referring to a washing machine that no longer exists.

When baking,  Mom has to have an MSDS (Material Data Safety Sheet) for every ingredient.   The MSDS sheets have to be kept in a master 3-ring binder, by the phone, in case anyone gets injured or poisoned by eating too much sugar or flour.

A pipe breaks, and the basement’s filling with water.  But nobody’s paying any attention.   Everyone’s in the middle of a 2-hour ODM (Operational Decision Meeting) to debate the proper technique for washing your hands before supper.

Every year, the household spends twice as much money as it takes in.   But no problem.  The Government covers all costs.

It makes me wonder…

…why, for “safety” reasons,  some workplaces insist on announcing the locations of fire exits at each and every meeting.  Even though everyone might work in that building anyway, which they somehow manage to enter and exit on a regular daily basis.

…when a company might blow countless millions on a mismanaged project, and they think they can help make up for this by giving up coffee at meetings.

…why the Safety Nannies will give out instructions on how to wash your hands, wear a hat outside when it’s cold, or eat properly during Christmas.   Yet it will take weeks to fix blatant safety hazards like broken steps or missing railings.

…why the food is cheaper at the restaurant down the road, where they come to your table and serve you, than it is at the company cafeteria.

…when Rocket Scientists come up with corporate acronyms that are 10-letters long, and assume this will make the ten associated buzzwords easier to remember.

…when it’s presumed that using double envelopes to ship a document improves security. (Because we all know that extra layer of paper will be more than enough to thwart any potential bad guys!)

…why Fearless Leaders feel the need to take 40 minutes (instead of 40 seconds) to explain to a room full of engineers the intricate concepts of using blue-boxes to recycle.

…why the air conditioning is still on when it’s 50 degrees outside.   Or the heat is still on when it’s 80 degrees.

…when a six-figure manager will spend $20.00 of their salary collecting old sheets and printing both sides, in order to save save 45 cents worth of paper.

…why they’ll change the name of a department, spending countless thousands of dollars on new letterheads, business cards, documents, etc.   Even though it’s the same people doing the same work as before.

What things do YOU wonder about…?

How to Reduce Morale and Sabotage your own Company

Eliminate the communal coffee pot in order to save money.  Then send ten of your senior executives to a cushy four-star resort, as part of a “Team Building” exercise.

Hold a charity event during office hours, but tell your staff they must use their own vacation time if they want to participate.  Then gush to the media how how wonderful your company is for helping out the community.

Schedule meetings during lunch.  Cleverly disguise the fact that you’re making those poor suckers work during their break by calling it a “Lunch-and-Learn”.

At Lunch-and-Learns, it’s especially fun to serve hot pizza.  But have it delivered at noon, and let the food sit there for 40 minutes and get cold before giving anyone permission to eat.

In the interest of saving $20 on a $500,000 budget, exclude a key Project Team Member from a business lunch.  Tell them it’s because “Money is tight.”   Chuckle to yourself as you eat, when you think of them brown-bagging it alone.

Re-invent a procedure so that it now takes twice as long to do the same job.  Then give a 60 minute Powerpoint presentation on why this is a good thing.

Allow selected employees (especially those with children) to work from home when urgent personal matters need attending to.   Do NOT extend this same privileges to single people. (Serves ‘em right, for deciding not to breed!)

Respect and praise your treat your staff in inverse proportion to the education they’ve received (i.e. treat your junior admin staff like royalty, and your PhD’s like crap).

Implement a performance review system, where everyone basically gets the same pay raise, regardless of how well they did.   But make everyone go through the whole procedure anyway, like it actually makes a damned difference.

Treat your salaried staff like hourly workers.  Don’t measure success on what someone actually accomplishes at the end of the day.  (It’s how long they actually sit at their desk that really matters).

Hold a meeting for 4 straight hours, without giving anyone a coffee or bathroom break. (If you can last that long, so can THEY!).

Schedule work-related technical seminars during lunch or after-hours. (If people want to professionally develop, they can do it on their OWN time!).

Remember that “Safety First” dosen’t actually apply for actual safety concerns.    Rather, it’s to provide lip-service to such trivial items like reminding us to wash our hands, or telling us to hold the railing when walking on slippery steps.

The more important a deadline is, the more you must remind the person that it needs to be done ASAP.   And when they finally complete it, extend the due date.

Hold a Christmas Lunch during office hours.  But make people pay for the meal themselves.   And don’t even call it a “Christmas” Lunch.  Use the word “Holiday” instead.   And if people still want to attend, tell them they have to use their own vacation time to go.

“Promote” someone to a position with more responsibility but with no extra pay. Then intimidate and scold them if they have the nerve to ask for a modest salary increase.   Then hire a retiree/contractor at $100 an hour, who’s already collecting a full pension.

If you want to chew someone out, remember to do it in public, in front of their peers.   Now, EVERYONE will know you’re an a-hole, and not just that one person.

Try to keep at least a ten-to-one ratio, when handing out “You screwed up“‘s versus “Atta-boy“‘s.

Assign a new-hire to a mentor who’s known to be socially inept and dysfunctional.   When they can’t get along, blame the newbie.

Hold an afternoon BBQ and “Fun Day” for the summer students, but do nothing for the full-time staff. Then announce in the company newsletter what a great job the students did, and how important they are to the company.

Insult everyones’ intelligence with a lame-ass  presentation (i.e. 45-minute seminar how to put recycled items into the Blue-Box).   Then repeat the same talk, 6 months later.

Never mind micro-management. Try nano-management. Or better yet, pico-management.

Corporate Buzzwords that Need to Die.

(* With thanks to Sandie, who started this discussion…)

 

Optics

This is an old chestnut, but you still hear it.   Typically, someone in a meeting will say “It’s all about the optics” and like a quintessential knob, they’ll insert their finger quotes. 

(I personally think anyone using finger quotes should be strung up by their thumbs and flogged with a three-hole punch, but I digress here…)

When people say “optics” what they actually mean is “this is how it might appear”.   

So why don’t they just say that IN THE FIRST PLACE?   Why must people insist on NOT speaking ENGLISH?

What a lame-ass metaphor!   

Do you know what I think about when I hear this buzzword? …Telescope mirrors and microscope lenses!  

Now…THAT’s what real “optics” is!   (No finger quotes required.)

 

Step up to the plate

Hello, this is the 1990′s calling.   We’d like our buzzword back. 

This one is so old, it’s lost all semblance of originality and spontaneity.   Can we just all agree to put this puppy to bed?

Yet managers still ask you to step up to the plate, whenever they want you to work your keister off…usually above and beyond the level of your job description, with no compensation for your overtime. 

When never I hear “step up to the plate”, I immediately see myself at a baseball diamond, holding a bat in front of the catcher.    

But my mental image quickly changes to that of taking the bat and pummeling the idiot who’s asking me to step up to the plate.

I’m guessing this might not be the desired motivation the speaker had in mind…

 

 Challenge

Challenge is the Corporate Thoughtspeak way of saying “Oboy.  This sucks.  This is a major problem that we have absolutely NO IDEA how to solve.   But we want you to solve it anyway”. 

For example,  it  will be a challenge to get this report done when everyone is off sick and the computer system is down.   

It will be a challenge to get the power plant back on-line without the new pump.   

Sorry that you have to share a cubicle with a mouth-breathing psychopath.   We realize this is a challenge but we’ll need you to step up to the plate until the situation can be improved. 

Challenge is just a rubber-stamp word they use to make it sound like the horrible task is something you’ll WANT to do.   It’s like they’re offering you the opportunity to prove yourself under stress.  

No thanks, I decline.  

It’s time to put “challenge” out to pasture, and find a better word to replace it.

May I suggest ”Fuster Cluck?” 

 

Expectation

A couple of years ago , this was a word you hardly ever heard, except for maybe in the title of a Jane Austen book.   But now this Flavor-of-the-month buzzword is everywhere, and it’s rapidly growing stale.

“The expectation is that you will come into work on time….The expectation is that you will work appropriate hours…The expectation is that you will be familiar with this procedure…“

I feel like answering:   ”My expectation is that you SHUT UP and stop talking to me like I’m in idiot!“  

Whenever you hear “expectation”, it’s a sure sign the person is a graduate from the Chip Implant Academy.

 

Commitment(s)

This word bugs me because it’s constantly dangled in front of you, as in something you’re not doing. 

 ”It’s important that we meet our commitments…the expectation is that you fulfill your commitments…”  

Commitment is just another bullshit word for deadlines.    

The good thing about commitment is that you can throw it right back at them. 

If you’re asked to work overtime on the weekend, you can tell them “Sorry, I have other commitments“.     And they can’t argue against that, can they?

Maybe your commitments involve watching TV and drinking beer.  

But hey, nobody says you have to tell them that.

 

“Unacceptable”

 (Oh, no.  Surely not THIS one, Jacques!)   

Not the dreaded U-Bomb!

When a manager says “This is unacceptable“, it means they’re really pissed off about the situation.   It’s about as close as they can come to swearing at you and still get away with it. 

And once they’ve said it, this apparently gets them off the hook.   Beacause now they’re transferred the responsibilty to you.   Now YOU go and make it better

What gets me is that they typically tell you this long after the fact, when nobody can do anything about it. That’s what makes this word so god-dammed useless.    

It’s happened.   Accept it.   DEAL WITH IT.

And do you ever notice the arrogant tone when you’ve been ”unacceptabilized”?  It’s like you’re expected to quake in our boots and beg for forgiveness.  

Also, there is rarely any follow-up or constructive feedback on how you might fix things.   

What’s funny (and sad) is that normal people have been starting to use this word in everyday life.  

For example, if a kid is misbehaving, a parent might think they’re pulling out the big guns by telling little Damien that his behavior is ”unacceptable”

Yeahhhh…..Right.     Try telling that to a five-year old having a tantrum!

Let me know how that works for you, okay?

 

Management Visual Aids for Dummies

(Reprinted from an earlier post)

Step 1.    Assemble a list of management buzzwords (i.e. expectations, commitment, action, achievement, goal, performance…etc. )

Step 2.  Select a common object (i.e. a pyramid, a chair, a ladder,  a circle, a shoe…).  It could be anything.

Step 3.  Hire a graphic artist to randomly combine the words and object from Step 1 and Step 2 into a Powerpoint slide. (Hint:  Use lots of bright colors, your staff will like that).   

Step 4.  Practice your ability to talk about the slide for 30 minutes at any given time. 

Step 5.  Use your slide to repeatedly describe your corporate mission statement, for the next 6 months.

Step 6.  Repeat Steps 1-6, as often as required.

 Practice on this as an example:

 

Got it?…Congratulations!  You could possibly be senior management material. 

Go sign yourself up for the Chip Impant Academy. 

Office Stereotypes 101

Can you guess which one of these lads is least likely to get invited to the Deer Camp next weekend?

 

Motivational Posters for Dummies

I never understood the appeal of those motivational posters that people pay big bucks for.  Do these pictures actually inspire anyone?  Or do the office-keeners just hang them on their cubicle wall, because that’s what they’re expected to do, to demonstrate “leadership” and to impress others?

Because frankly, I think these posters are bullshit.  In my opinion, almost idiot can make up a motivational poster, and I’ll prove it right now. 

Pick any photo you like, put it on Abode Photoshop, and add some touchy-feely words in italics.  

That’s it.  That’s the secret. 

For example, here’s a vacation snapshot I took of the Oregon coast, to which I’ve added some words which I made up on the spur of the moment:

 

Ooooh…now isn’t that DEEP?    If you were my boss and I put this up on my wall, wouldn’t you think I was a pro-active motivated team player? 

Now remember, people, I’ve been making these up on the spot.  There was little or no thought put into this.  

Let’s try another.  Something a bit more inspirational, for the spiritually-minded:

 

You know, I surprise even myself that I’ve been able to come up with these so quickly. (In fact, it’s taking longer to enter everything onto my Blog than it was to Photo-shop these pictures).

Wheeee!  I’m having fun.  This is too easy!   Let’s try another:

 

 Sniff, sniff.  (Okay, I know there is a grammar mistake, but I’m still getting all choked up.)   Oprah herself would be reduced to tears.

Notice how I’ve been using the same photo.    That’s what’s great about motivational posters.   The relationship between the pictures and the words is totally irrelevant.  Anything works.   See?….

 

Now tell me that isnt’ just as good as something you’d order from expensive office supply store.  (Geez, I should be a consultant, and get paid big bucks for this!)

I can also have a bit of fun and make a smart-ass poster like they do in Despair Inc. (which is actually a hilarious site worth checking out). 

Heh heh heh.  Personally, I like this last one the best.   At least it’s honest.

 

Can you spot the PhD…?

One of these things is not like the other….

 

Miss Management 101 (Lesson One): Using Visual Aids

Step 1.    Assemble a list of management buzzwords (i.e. “expectations”, “commitment”, “action”, “achievement”, “goal”, “performance”, etc. )

Step 2.  Select a common object (i.e. a pyramid, a chair, a ladder,  a circle, a shoe, etc.).  It could be anything.

Step 3.  Hire a consultant to randomly combine the buzzwords and object into a Powerpoint Slide. (Hint:  Use lots of bright colors, your staff will like that).   

Step 4.  Practice the ability to talk about your Power Point Slide for 30 minutes at any given time. 

Step 5.  Use this slide to describe your corporate mission statement, repeatedly, for the next 6 months.

Step 6.  Repeat Steps 1-6, as often as required.

 Practice on this as an example:

Got it?….Congratulations!  You might be senior manager material!