Reality TV: Same Old Crappy Junk

Pawn Stars

• Customers bring in their crappy old junk to sell.
• Pawnbroker brings in an expert to tell everyone what the crappy old junk  is worth.
• Customers ask the retail price for the crappy old junk.
• Pawnbroker offers back 40% of the retail price.
• Eventually everyone agrees on 60% of the retail price.

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Cajun Pawnstars

• Just like Pawn Stars, but in Louisiana.  Therefore  you need subtitles to understand the show.

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Pawnathon Canada

• Just like Pawn Stars or Cajun Pawn Stars, only Canadian and therefore more polite.

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Hardcore Pawn

• Like Pawn Stars or Cajun Pawn Stars, but  in inner-city Detroit, with more fist-fights.  About as opposite of Pawnathon Canada as you can get.

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American Pickers

• Just like the Pawnbroker shows, except the pickers drive to peoples houses to buy their old crappy junk, instead of the people bringing their old crappy junk to sell the pickers. s.

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Canadian Pickers

• Just like American Pickers,  only Canadian.   And therefore more  boring.

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Toy Hunter

• Just like American Pickers, except they buy crappy old toys instead of crappy old junk.

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American Restoration

• Rich customers brings their crappy old junk to the shop.
• Restorers take apart the crappy old junk and sand-blast it and repaint it.
• Restoreres put the crappy old junk back together, which is no longer crappy and old, but is now shiny and new.
• Restorers sell the shiny and new restored crappy old junk back to the rich customer, who will now pay $10,000 for it.

 

Counting Cars

• Just like American Restoration,  except they restore crappy old cars, instead of old crappy junk.

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Storage Wars

• Vultures buy old crappy junk that other unfortunate people have abandoned in storage lockers
• Vultures bring their new-found crappy old junk to specialty shops to find out what it’s worth.
• The show ends,  listing what the vultures’s profit margin is on their crappy old junk.
• No indication is ever given, however, if the vultures actually sold any of this crappy old junk.

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Storage Wars Texas
Just like Stores Wars, but with cowboy hats and fatter people.

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Stars Wars New York

• Just like Storage Wars, but in New York.    A wannabee show that never quite caught on.

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Storage Battles

• Just like Storage Wars, but with more white-trash and fist fights.

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Auction Hunters

• An auction house  selling all the crappy old junk that’s been picked and restored.

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Hoarders

• People with OCD, who’s  houses full of crappy old junk that’s too crappy for even the pickers and pawnbrokers and restorers to touch.
• Kind of like American pickers, but with more cat urine and rat feces.

Friar’s Least-Inspiring Facebook Posts

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Friar’s Predictions for the 2012 Apocalypse

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What MIGHT happen….

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The sky will turn to blood, and there will be a rain of squirrels.

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The Earth will be swallowed up by the planet Pac-Man, The Devourer.

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Vikings will take up Tai-chi.   Vegans will develop a sense of humor.

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Dolphins will develop opposable thumbs and will figure out how to activate the launch codes.

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The Earth will be sucked into a huge black hole created by the History Channel self-imploding under the force of its own ignorance.

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Facebook becomes self-aware,   sees humanity as a threat to its existence, and decides to kill us all.

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What will PROBABLY happen

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Absolutely NOTHING.

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Friar’s Six Favorite Christmas Songs That Are Totally Awesome

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

Who doesn’t love this classic song, with these classic lyrics?

“I wouldn’t touch you with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole.” 

And in case you didn’t know, the singer, Thurl Ravenscroft, is also the voice of Tony the Tiger.

Which is what makes this song especially GRRRREAT!

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Oh Tannenbaum (from a Charlie Browns’ Christmas)

If you grew up in the 60′s or 70′s, and you don’t love the Charlie Brown Christmas, then I’m sorry, your heart is made of stone and there is no hope for you.

I pretty much love the entire Vince Guiraldi soundtrack but there’s something special about “O Tannenbaum“.

Because instantly, I’m transformed again into a wide-eyed 5-year old again.

Sitting in front of the black and white TV in our living room, watching Charlie Brown and Linus pick out their tree at the lot with the big moving searchlights.

Still gives me goosebumps when I hear it.

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Holly Jolly Christmas (Burl Ives)

Yes, I realize this is a corny old song, but I like it for sentimental reasons.

Just like with the Charlie Brown Christmas,  thing song brings me back 40 years.    Back to when I saw Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer for the first time.

They played this song towards the end of the show.  After Rudolph rescued his family, the Bumble had been tamed, Herbie was allowed to become a dentist, and Christmas was on again.

All was well with the world again.

Wish I could go back to those simpler times.

When Christmases were still innocent and magic.

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The Little Dealer Boy (Stephen Colbert and Willie Nelson)

I don’t smoke.   I’m not into weed.

But this take-off on Bing Crosby and David Bowie’s “Little Drummer Boy”  duet is bound to become a classic.

And it’s surprisingly well-done and quite touching, if you give it half a chance and see the video.

“And let not mankind bogart love”

Say what you want, but you cant really argue with that message.

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Mary’s Boy Child (Boney M)

The reason I love this song, is based on just two words:

“BOY-CHILD”.

It changed my whole life.

You see, for whatever reason (don’t ask me why), my brother and I both found the words “Boy-child” incredibly hilarious.

“Boy-child” became the punch-line for countless of inside jokes, for decades to come.

We even made “Boy-child” facial expressions while posing  for family photos,  which would drive our family crazy.

(We still do, in fact).

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The Huron Carol

Oh…don’t get me STARTED on this one.

Again, you can thank my brother for this.

One year, they had the little kids sing this at Christmas Eve mass.

And I started to crack up when they sang words “Gitchi Manitou”

I wasn’t supposed to, but I did.

My brother didn’t help….he would look at me and whisper “The Gitchi Manitou is going to get you”.   Over and over.

Which of course, would only trigger more snickering.

Long story short…it was the WORST giggle fit I ever had in church.

And I’m going to burn in hell for it.   I know it.

But it was worth it.

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Teddy Bear Apocalypse

Junior Bear doesn’t necessarily believe the world will end on December 21st.

But he thinks it’s still a good idea to wear a foil hat for protection,  just in case.

 

 

Friar’s Six Most Annoying Christmas Songs That Will Make You Cringe

Up on the Housetop (The Jackson Five)

Ugh.  Nothing like listening to a hyper pre-pubescent Michael Jackson scream the same lyrics over and over.

Back when his voice was even higher than what we’d make fun of when he was an adult.

Cringe-worthy moment:  The “pitter Patter” dialogue that starts as 2:00.

(Good Lord).

I dare you to listen to this from beginning to end, without running from the room screaming.

Go on.   I DARE you.

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Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Most depressing.   Christmas song.   EVER.

Nobody ever sings this in a happy way.    Nobody.

Especially Judy Garland.

Cringe-worthy moment:   Look at the poor kid at 1:30.

Gee….are we having FUN yet?

The only redeeming part of this scene is the first part.    I had to look at this several times before I realized that Judy is cranking a box making these MONKEYS dance around.

Everything is better with monkeys.

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Earl the Christmas Squirrel

I didn’t think it was possible to find a Christmas rodent song more obnoxious than Alvin and the Chipmunks.

But here we are.

Cringe-worthy moment:  ”He goes nuts over coconuts….”.

Nice rhyming.

But sorry.  It doesn’t count  when the SAME WORD is repeated.

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The Little Drummer Boy

I never liked this song.

And the TV special didn’t help.    What an obnoxious kid.

He just annoyed the hell out of me.

Still does, in fact.

Cringe-worthy moment:  Where I start to lose it is when he starts to play and the “Room Poom Pooms” in the background reach a crescendo.

And “The ox and lamb kept time”

….STUPIDEST LYRICS ever.

(ARGH!!)

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A Song for a Winter’s Night (Sarah McLachlan)

Way to ruin Gordon Lightfoot’s 1967 original, Sarah.

You’ve transformed what was a sentimental, heartfelt ballad into a tortured-intellectual estrogen-fest.

Cringe-w0rthy moment:  The “Dood n doos” in the background.

That alone ruins the whole song.

When I hear this, I dont’ know whether to slit my wrists, or go into a coma.

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Christmas Shoes

This is supposed to be a tear-jerker song.   It’s about a little boy who wants to buy Mommy some shoes he cannot afford.

So that she looks good for Jesus.

Because, you see…there’s “not much time”, because she’s on the deathbed.

Oh…give me a BREAK.

Yeah, it’s supposed to be sad.

Except it’s so over-done, so over the top, and the video is so over-acted, that it’s NOT.

In fact..it has the opposite effect.

It just makes me want to make FUN of it.

Cringe-worthy moment:   When all the little children start joining in the singing at 3:40.

It’s a good thing I was in the Burger King drive through when I heard this in my car.

Because if I had been on the road, I’d probably have driven into on-coming traffic to end my misery.

The Stupid Mask That Will Not DIE

Let me tell you the saga of the Stupid Mask.

It’s a paper-maché monstrosity that’s 35 years old.

I did it in Grade 7 art class, when I was 13.

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At the time, I was reasonably proud of this stupid project.

Sort of.

Except I didn’t like the part above the eyes, where the polka dots stopped and there were these stupid triangles and stupid rectangles instead.

This wasn’t my idea.

Blame this on my stupid art teacher.

She said the point of the exercise was to make a mask using geometrical shapes…so she refused to allow me to continue to use polka dots on the whole mask.

I was supposed to stick to her stupid exercise.

(Way to encourage creativity and artistic talent, you old bat!)

But that’s besides the point.

So I painted in those stupid triangles and stupid rectangles so I could get a passing grade.

And to this day, those stupid triangle and stupid rectangles look out of place.

And to this day, they till piss me off. .

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Anyway….the Stupid Mask hang in my bedroom for a few years, because I was just a stupid kid.

And stupid kids like to display their stupid artwork, until something better comes along.

As I got older, the Stupid Mask lost its significance.

Better things came along.   Posters.   Model cars.   Better artwork.

Eventually I moved out and went to University and the Stupid Mask got taken down.

And I don’t  even think I noticed.   Or cared.

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Fast forward a a few years, sometimes in my late 20′s/early 30′s.

Friar’s Mom rediscovered the Stupid Mask and hung it up in the basement.

Not that this was any treasured family heirloom or anything.

I think she hung it there, for lack of anything better to do.

Because Friar’s Mom refuses to throw anything out.

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Now, I understand parents like to hold onto some of their childrens’  artwork.

But you can’t keep EVERYTHING.

And this mask (was/is) NOT  one of my treasured creations.

In fact, I HATE the damned thing.

It reminds me of that stupid art teacher in that stupid art class in that stupid school.

And it’s not even my best stuff (which Friar’s Mom already has plenty of).

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Get rid of it, I’d repeatedly tell Friar’s Mom.

Oh, eventually, I’ll get around to it, she said.

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Years went by.  The Stupid Mask remained.

Not that it mattered that much.  I wasn’t living at home any more.

But every so often, when I’d visit, I’d tell Friar’s Mom to get rid of it.

Oh, eventually, she’d say.

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Fast forward another decade or so.

Get rid of the mask, I said.

But now there was a new excuse.

No, I want to keep it, she said.   So I can show it to the grand kids.

I want to make up stories about the mask and how it’s magic and how it comes from Africa, she said, and then we’ll throw it out.

So she held onto the Stupid Mask for months and months.

(Or years…I don’t even remember at this point)

Until she finally showed the Stupid Mask to the grand kids

Now, I know my nephews.

I suspect they were probably very mildy amused.

At best.

But I was relieved to see that the Stupid Mask was finally gone.

Another stupid chapter of my life thankfully closed.

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A few weeks ago, imagine my surprise, when I found the Stupid Mask hanging in the garage.

Get rid of it, I said.

No, I want to keep it, Friar’s Mom said.

I thought you already shown the kids the mask, I said.

Yes, she said.  But now I want to save it for a bonfire with the kids.   So they kids can watch it burn.

It will be fun, she said.

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Now, I know my nephews.

They’re into their PlayStations and Minecraft.

And they have bonfires in their back yard all the time.

Burning the Stupid Mask will NOT amuse them.

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No.

I know what’s gonna happen.

This Stupid Mask will continue to hang in the garage.

For few more months.  Or years.   Or a decade.

And it will continue to plague me.

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Because this is the Stupid Mask which will not DIE.

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Anti-Squirrel Haiku

Malevolent stare
You resent me being here.
Too bad.  I’m bigger.

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Rodent-varmint.
When you spring into action.
You’re up to no good.

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Sunflower killer.
You climbed the plant and broke it.
Out of pure malice.

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Hogging the feeder.
Gorging yourselves on the seeds.
Meant for the blue-jays.

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Thieving rat with tail.
Rodent-spit on our apples.
Look how fat you are.

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“Traverse d’Écureuil”.
Squirrel crossing in Quebec.
I hope you get hit.

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You dug up my yard.
And re-planted a tulip.
I tolerate this.

Sh*t the Duck-Toller Ruined

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9 Minor Annoyances That Shouldn’t Bother Me, But Still Do.

1. Pennies

Which have stopped servinng any useful purpose in our society.

When I’m doing housework, it’s not even worth my time to pick them up.

I’ll vacuum ‘em up instead.

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2.  The only traffic light on a 60-mile stretch of highway

And it’s always, always RED.

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3.  Tim Horton’s relentless male-bashing campaign

Derp.   Me male.  Me stupid.   Not smart like woman.   DUHHHH.

Pretty much every radio ad follows this formula.   As well TV commercials like this one.

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4. Food that pretends to be healthy, when it isn’t. 

Just because it’s “Lo fat”, doesn’t mean it’s good for you. 

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5.   Getting a traffic ticket

Even when you know it’s 100% your own damned fault.

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6  The closing credits ot the Flinstones.

This always bothered me, for as long as I can remember.

Why didn’t Fred just use the damned window?

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7.   Helena from the Mighty Hercules

Most useless.    Cartoon female.   Ever.

She no doubt helped set back the feminist movement by 10 years.

Go make Hercules a sandwich, or something.

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8. That dreaded moment

When you realize the toilet’s gonna overflow.

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9.  Cheap Toliet paper

That disintegrates into bunny balls.