Dear Parents (Moms, Dads, Mommy-Bloggers, Helicopter parents, Breeding-Couples everywhere);
On behalf of single people everywhere, I apologize.
I’m sorry for only putting in 80% of the effort into maintaining our friendship. It should be 100%, the onus should lie squarely on me. I should realize you’re Moms and Dads now, and that you are no longer able to take 5 minutes to drop a line to your best friends every few months.
From now on I will do all the driving, visiting, calling and emailing. Rest assured, you’re now officially exempt form these duties for the next 16 years.
I’m also sorry for wanting to have a “conversation” with you, for wanting to tell you about MY life as well.
I should be more sensitive to your needs, and realize that it’s basically a monologue you want to deliver, about astounding tales of your wonderful offspring. And it’s my duty to be mesmerized and enthralled by each and every detail, over what Kirsten had for breakfast and what Adrian did at pre-kindergarten.
I should also realize that any moment, we can be interrupted mid-sentence by a random toddler screaming “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!“. I shouldn’t be annoyed at this, because our Precious Children need to express themselves and be listened to, 100% of the time, 24/7. We must respect that.
I’m sorry that I get bored, after the first few hundred baby photos. It was easier in the old days, before digital cameras. But (please bear with me), I find it hard to pay attention on dozens of snapshots of the same scene. I mean, there are only so many ways I can look at a baby sitting on a floor sucking Duplo blocks.
I’m sorry that I roll my eyes about breast-feeding, when the kid’s old enough to Trick or Treat for Halloween candy and cut the meat on his plate. What do I know? By all means, go ahead and nurse the kid until he’s 15. When they’re old enough to be weaned, they’ll tell you.
I’m sorry for being annoyed at a screaming 1-month old infant in a movie theater. I should be more patient, and understand that it’s more important for the two parents to get out of the house, than it is for the 300 people who paid $10 admission to enjoy the show. After all (as I learned from Star Trek), sometimes the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many.
I’m sorry you find your $1200 government child allowance insufficient. You see, I didn’t get ANY tax rebate. But let me know how much you want. I’ll just dig deeper in my pockets, and pay more tax myself, to cover your needs.
As for you Moms, I’m sorry your careers haven’t progressed as quickly as the rest of ours. The fact that you take a year off now and then to have kids should in NO WAY put you at a disadvantage on those who regularly work the full 52 weeks every year. Just say the word. I’ll gladly turn down my promotions and pay raises, and ask that it be put aside for the next person who comes back from mat leave.
And last, and most importantly of all, I’m truly, truly sorry for not being one of you.
You see, I’ve been told again and again, that there is NOTHING more important than raising a child.
And I shamefully haven’t fulfilled this duty….The Most Important Thing in Our Society.
No, I’ve been pursuing my own interests like education, career, travel, hobbies, art, music, friends, family and volunteering.
Not to mention working full-time and paying my share of taxes , so that Junior can have access to free health care and public schooling, and disadvantaged single parents can get welfare.
But now that I think of it, that’s all been pretty damned SELFISH of me.
I should have realized that anything I accomplish, no matter how important, still comes in a distant second, compared to parents who make babies.
I mean, if you’re not raising kids, then what the Hell did God put you on Earth here for? What’s the point of it all, then?
(…So I’ve been told).
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dress sack-cloth and ashes, and repent.
And when I’m done, I promise I’ll try to find the right mate to pair-bond with, so that I can ultimately join the rest of you.