Posted tagged ‘retirement planning’

Things I WON’T do, when I retire.

March 25, 2009

old-man-jenkins

Hose down my driveway.
Note to seniors:  a driveway means cars can DRIVE on it.   It is outside…it is ALLOWED to get dirty.

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Become a Lawn-Nazi
An obsessive-compulsive perfectly-groomed lawn (along with a hosed-down driveway) is a sure sign that someone has way, WAY too much free time on their hands.

If I ever get to that point, I’ll watch Oprah.  Or volunteer.  Or something.

I dunno…maybe bake Braille cookies for the blind.  Or knit sweaters for homeless chihuahuas….ANYTHING but groom my lawn.

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Hang out at the office where I used to work.
If I’m going to pal around any former co-workers, it won’t be with the whole damned group, it will be with a few selected best friends.    And it will be at home, at the pub, or at Tim Horton’s…whatever.

One thing I can tell you…it will certainly NOT be in the dingy basement cafeteria where we all used to work.

(Do the words “GET A LIFE” mean anything to anyone?)

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Buy a FLY and drive in a caravan with all the other FLY’s
(FLY = F**king Land Yacht = those monster RV’s that are so damned big, they have their own Zip Code.)

Oh, don’t get me started!  I can’t even begin to list all the reasons I hate these gas-guzzling behemoths.  (It will probably have to be a separate blog post in itself).

But let’s say experienced severe head trauma, and I somehow changed my mind and eventually DID own a big Land Yacht.

Then least I’d get off the beaten path, and I’d explore the scenic back-roads my own.

The LAST thing I’d want to do is play follow-the-leader at 35 mph on the Interstate….with a herd of other FLY-driving Greyheads doing exactly the same thing.

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Fear new technology
I had a relative who had all her marbles right to the very end, and she was a very smart woman.   She survived Nazi occupation, and immigrated to Canada and successfully raised a family.

But she just had this one mental block in her old age:  she could not operate a tape deck.

She’d play her audio book till the tape ended. Then would literally wait hours for someone to come home, so they could take the tape out and flip it over to the B-side.

I don’t understand.   I mean……a three-year- old can do this!

I think it was more of a case of “would not”, rather than “could not”.    I hope I never get like that.

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Participate in lame-ass activities  just because that’s what all other retirees seniors do.
I can see myself enjoying fishing, curling, or golf or camping.   These are activities that everyone enjoys, both young and old.

But it’s the other pastimes  I don’t understand:  bingo, square-dancing, tai-chi for seniors, etc…

Nobody EVER did these when they were in their 20’s.   So what’s the story here?

When you turn 70, does the “Old-Fart” switch go off in your head and suddenly you decide you WANT to lawn-bowl?

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Continue Investing in High-Risk Equities
You constantly hear stories about seniors losing their retirement fund, because they had invested in stocks and the market crashed.

Well, I’m sorry…but DUHHHH!!    WHAT were you thinking? (Especially in today’s market!)

When you come down to it, it’s basically all about greed….these people had a nest egg, and they wanted it bigger.

On a scale of 10, as a financial expert, I rate maybe a 1.2.   But even a doofus like me knows that when you approach your golden years, you’re supposed to transfer your investments into low-risk funds and bonds, and not gamble your life savings.

(Sorry, I don’t plan on buying cat food, when I don’t own a cat.)

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Work shitty jobs
OMG…if I’m 70 years old, and I’m a Wall-Mart Greeter, or I’m flipping hamburgers at McD’s with the other 16-year-olds, then I’ve FAILED at life.

If I work these $7.00/hr jobs because I HAVE to, then I’m totally screwed up my retirement planning (see above) and I’m one step away from eating Whiskas to stay alive.

If I work these jobs because I WANT to…then maybe its’ time to change my Depends, and put me in a home.  Because I’m no longer competent and responsible for my own actions.

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Gloat to the Younger Generation
I promise, I will NOT tell young people how great it is that I no longer have take part in the Rat Race.  I will NOT tell them how the company’s changed, and how I’m so glad I don’t’ have to work at that place any more.

Those poor bastards will feel bad enough as it is,  knowing they have to put in another 25 years at the Factory.  Why make them feel worse?

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Make Recreational Activities Sounds like Work.
I will refuse to tell everyone how “hectic ” my life is, because I’m busy playing golf and visiting friends.

(Sorry, this is what working people do for FUN, after they’ve put in their 8 hour work-day).

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Talk about Death
Typical Senior conversation:

“Did you hear about Bill Garnaggle? He got cancer of his big toe-nail…it went into his kidneys, and he died on the golf-course when his spleen exploded.”

“Oh, really?  What a shame.  Did you hear about Betty Garfarkle down the road…it’s sad, really..they found her lying in a pool of her own excrement….”

As for me, when I get old, this will be my approach:

“LA-LA-LA (covering my ears), I can’t hear you, Death, LA-LA-LA.”

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Make excuses for procrastination

Doncha love it when retirees miss an important deadline for something,  and their excuse is they were “too busy?”

Sorry…you DON’T WORK anymore.   You are NOT too busy.   You didn’t  do it, because you didn’t WANT TO.

At least admit it, and be honest about it!

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Start liking bag-pipe music
I have zero Scottish ancestry, and I don’t like bag-pipes now.   I can’t ever see myself changing my mind about the subject, even 40 years from now.

(Unless it’s because that  “Old-Fart” switch suddenly gets activated…)

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Holding up the line, cashing in 34 winning lottery tickets at $2.00 each.

Playing the lottery once in a while is fun.   But I won’t be blowing half my old-age pension check every week on the chance of winning the Big One.

(What…?  So I can win money and retire AGAIN?)

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Go to Early-Bird specials

Sorry, 4:30 PM is a late lunch.  NOT an early supper.

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Obsess over the daily newspaper
I feel sorry for the Type-A’s who never did anything with their lives but work.   Now they they don’t know what to do with themselves.

For a lot of them, reading the paper becomes  the highlight of their day.  They get upset when it doesn’t arrive on time.   They get upset when other people touch it before they do.   And they’ll spend 3 hours reading it (followed by the evening news on TV, in case they’ve missed anything since reading the paper).

That’s just SAD.    GET a hobby.

(No, wait…that’s the problem.  They never learned HOW).

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Continue to do the present job I’m doing right now, as a retiree on contract.

If I’m in my 70’s…and I’m still doing the same work…then why don’t you just put a bullet in my head right now, because I deserve to be put down!


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