Nominate your Friends for these Prestigious Awards!

Tired of seeing all those flashy icons on all those blogs, and you have no idea what they mean?

Feeling left out, because none of the Cool Kids nominated your blog for one of these virtual awards?

Well, fear not.   You can now fit right in, by using my custom-made decals right here.

Feel free to cut and paste them all over your blog as you see fit, so you can look cool too.

Or nominate your friends.

Or don’t do anything.

It’s all good.

(After all, isn’t it just electrons floating around the internet?)

Comic Strip Characters in Need of Serious Therapy

Margaret Wade

Passive-aggressive control freak.   I never liked her.  The rod up her butt has a rod up its butt.   This kid ain’t right.   She’ll definitely be logging lots of time on the therapists’ couch before her Sweet Sixteen.
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Shaggy, Dagwood and Jughead

We typically associate eating disorders with teenage girls, but these three men obviously have issues.  Look at the huge amounts of food they put away, yet they stay so slim.  Methinks there’s a bit of binging and purging going on.   Maybe Shaggy, Dag and Juggie can form their own support group.

Big Moose

How many times has this lummox committed aggravated assault on his classmates, just because they spoke to his “gurl”, Midge?     There are serious anger management problems here.

Somebody better intervene and help this boy, before he ends up in Maximum Security and starts forcing his cell-mate to do unspeakable things.

Little Dot

Give me an “Oh”!   Give me a “Cee”!   Give me a “Dee”!  What does that spell?    OCD!    OCD!  Rah! Rah!

This unhealthy obsession with dots needs to stop.   This poor girl needs a good talking to.   And maybe a bit of Effexor on the side.

Cathy

Beyond help.  She’s such a basket case, I’m surprised she hasn’t offed herself yet (or that someone else hasn’t).   (Aaaack!)

Caillou

Obviously this little brat’s got ADHD.

Nothing a little  Ritalin in his sippy-cup wouldn’t fix.

Jokey Smurf

He spends all this time giving exploding packages to everyone.   (…and he thinks it’s FUNNY?)     Word of advice, Jokey: plead insanity and check yourself into a mental hospital right now…before the boys at Homeland Security come and give you a luxury suite at Gitmo.

Ted Forth

This man-gina is so whipped it’s not funny.    I think he’d do well with some hormone therapy.    Get the testosterone levels up back up there, Ted, and learn to be a man again.

Adam

See Ted Forth.

Billy from the Family Circus

Another victim of ADHD.   Damned kid can’t even walk home without zig-zagging all around the neighborhood.

Fat Albert

This lad’s gotta do something about his morbid obesity.   He’s just two steps away from lying in his bed in his own waste, and having the Learning Channel film the firemen cutting  him out of his house.

General Halftrack

He needs to be sent on Sensitivity Training, for leering at Ms. Buxley and making suggestive comments to her.

(No…wait…actually, he already HAS).

Blogging for Nickels…

I wish I had a nickel for every blog I read that…

…gives me a list of  “tips” on how I can improve my life.
Seems everyone’s an expert on the subject, except me.

…kicks me in the arse, because I haven’t self-actualized and fulfilled all my dreams yet.
(Because like I said, everyone’s an expert on how to run my own life, except me).   What they don’t mention is: it really helps to have a spouse or significant other who holds down a day job, allowing you to sit at home all day and blog.

…tells me how easy it is to make money blogging
Notice nobody ever says how MUCH money they make, or how many hours they have to put in to earn it?  (Methinks if it sounds too good to be true, it probably IS).

…posts a cutesy photo of their kids,
Which of course will trigger an avalanche of estrogen, as adoring moms come out of the woodwork, and gush over how adorable the little rug-rat is.

…is a link post
Always a sure winner, when someone doesn’t know what to write about on their own.

…cites a famous quote
Why do we constantly obsess over what everyone ELSE has said?    Can’t we think on our own?  Just because someone’s a millionaire, or a dead poet, doesn’t necessarily mean their word is as good as gold.  (How do we know these people didn’t beat their dog or were addicted to Meth or something?)

…states the blatantly obvious, and passes it off as wisdom
I really love it when bloggers feel they need to explain “No-Duh” things,  like “eating and sleeping properly is important”.  And then everyone else chimes in at how wonderful this new-found information is.

Thank you…(sob).  THANK YOU!

How did we EVER survive before Blogo-Land was around impart these pearls of wisdom to us?

What next? Remember to continue to keep breathing to sustain life?

…moves someone to tears
20 years ago, seems people only cried at weddings or funerals.   Nowadays, all it takes is for someone quote a few lines from a poem, and then WAAAHHH!  Watch the Kleenex fly!

If we ever had to fight the equivalent of World War II again, this time, I think we’d lose.

…mentions Twitter
It’s the latest Flavor-of-the-Month.   (Notice we hardly hear about S.E.O. anymore?)

…is Vegetarian
Aren’t there any Meat-Eaters anymore?

…tells me how to write, but never provides any actual examples.
God forbid, should we ever see an original short story or some poetry.

…blogs about how to blog.
Boy.  Talk about a self-fulfilling hobby.

…sells an E-book, which tells you how to make money by selling E-books
(Ponzi would be proud).

…encourages professional wannabees.
Sorry.  Just because you can string together 250 words on what the cat puked up for breakfast does not necessarily make you a WRITER.  Neither does posting lame-ass digital photographs make you a PHOTOGRAPHER.     (I think it takes a little bit more than that consider yourself a professional).

…takes itself way too seriously
Seems that for every funny blog, there’s about fifty that are not.   We’re so damned busy coaching and inspiring each other, we’ve forgotten our sense of humor.    We need to lighten up and LAUGH!  (Life’s too short!)

…bitched about other blogs, as much as The Deep Friar does.

Being Anti-Green: 26 Tips on how to Screw the Planet

1. Stick to the Two-Thousand Mile diet.   Refuse to eat any food unless it’s shipped in from three time zones away.

2. Instead of a turkey, celebrate Thanksgiving with a California condor.

3. Invent a religion that discourages overpopulated Third World countries from using birth control (no, wait..I think someone’s already done that!)

4. Bring back lead paint and asbestos.  (If it was good enough for us, then it’s good enough for today’s damned spoiled kids!)

5. Make particle-board IKEA furniture, using only old-growth mahogany.

6. Build a huge electric fan, and have it blast air in the opposite direction, right behind a wind turbine.   (Heh heh heh…!  The next effect is ZERO!)

7. A ski hill in the desert.  We definitely need to see more of these.

8. Grow pineapples in greenhouses in Alaska, then export them to Ecuador.

9. Run your electric heater and air conditioner in your house at the same time, and let ‘em fight it out.

10. Generously stock every lake in North America with carp.

11. Build paved roads to each of the high points of the Lower 48.   Now everyone can enjoy bagging the peaks (and not just the hikers and moutain climbers)

12. Collect rainfall in Arizona, store it in barrels, and Fed-Ex them to Antarctica.  This not only wastes energy, but as a bonus, it permanently removes precious H2O from the drought-stricken Colorado River watershed.  (Thanks to Brett for suggesting this one).

13. Sell disposable, one-time use Recycle Blue-Boxes.

14. Spread the joy, and keep the spirit of Christmas going all year around.   Keep your outdoor lights burning 12 months a year.

15. Just for shits and giggles,  re-engineer the electric generating turbines in hydro dams so they act as MOTORS, and pump that sunnavabitch water right back uphill.

16. Convince the Japan that the best sushi comes from blue whales.

17. Convince factories in China there’s a great demand for lead-tipped baby pacifiers.

18. Dredge the Gulf Coast, and make a huge pile of sand in the middle of the ocean.  Encourage rich retirees to build million-dollar homes on it, just in time for hurricane season.

19. Randomly pick an animal, any animal.  (Moose,  chameleon,  three-toed sloth…etc.)   Then try to wipe it off the face of the planet.  (Bet you we could, too!)

20. Rent a cabin in the woods.   Bring an electric generator and use it to power one of those fake electric fireplaces.  (You know, the ones with the plastic logs and rotating orange lights.)

21. Design disposable cell phones that are good for only one call, then you throw them out.   Market this to teens, as the next “Cool” thing to have.  (Actually, these would probably sell.)

22. Develop a Hummer that runs on whale oil.

23. Become a strict Meat-a-tarian.

24. Design a simple automatic rifle, that even chimps can learn to use.   Train them to do so, arm them, and then release them back into the wild.

25.  Use crushed coral as filler material when re-paving the Interstate.

26. Start a charity web-site, using Google ads to raise money for your favorite military dictatorship.   Every time someone clicks on the box, El Generalissimo gets one dollar.

Avoiding Procrastination: How NOT to do it (*)

(*) With apologies to Alex. 

If there’s an unpleasant task ahead, ask yourself these questions:  If I don’t do this, will anyone die or get hurt? Will it jeopardize someones  job? Will it ruin a friendship?  Will it bankrupt me? If the answer is “NO”, then chill out, have a beer, and don’t worry about it.

If you live alone, the dishes have to be washed ONLY when the mess starts to annoy you.  It’s up to YOU to decide when that is.  (Same thing applies to cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming.)

TV and computer time are best enjoyed when you “should” be doing something else.  Treasure those precious moments.

If you can afford it, just PAY someone to do the menial jobs you hate.  (I mean, why did you work hard and go to school for all those years, anyway? )

If you’re avoiding housework, just remember: doing a quick half-assed job is better than doing nothing at all.  And it will still make your place look tidier.

Don’t follow your dreams and quit your tedious white-collar office job just yet…unless you like Ramen Noodles and living out of your car.

If you have a to-do list, tear it up.  It’s just a glaring reminder of what you’re not accomplishing.

If the government owes YOU money, don’t worry about completing your tax return by the April deadline.   You can put it off indefinitely, and wait for THEM to contact you…so long as you don’t mind the Feds earning interest on your hard-earned cash.

A professor once told me:  a week in the lab will save you 5 minutes in the library.

Refuse to do indoor house projects until it’s crummy and miserable outside. (Lord knows, we have so few months of nice summer weather, especially in Canada.)

If laundry piles up, wear the same clothes around the house for several days.   If anyone complains about your B.O., tell them you’re being “Green” by cutting down on your washing, to save Spaceship Mother Earth.

Sure, you’re supposed to change your oil regularly.   But it your car is old, and you go a bit over 5000 km…well, it’s not the end of the world, is it?

Don’t pay your speeding ticket right away.  If you know you’re guilty,  let THEM settle the matter in traffic court and send you the bill.

If your Christmas lights are still up in June, then you’re past the half-way mark for the year.  You might as well keep them up for the next Christmas.

Don’t beat yourself up over a late bill payment.  The interest will cost you less than the Starbucks coffee you had this morning.

Nobody on their deathbed ever admitted “I wish I had organized my closets sooner” or “I wish I had written that thank-you card.”

Live each day as if it’s your last.  But only if you like lots of self-imposed pressure and want to burn yourself out.

Slack off at work, then rush at the last minute to the meet urgent deadlines.   Make your co-workers aware of the hours you’re putting in.   It will make you look diligent.   You might even get sympathy for working so hard.

Commit to much less than you actually plan on doing, and then do it.  You’ll look like a hero.

Don’t publicly announce what your goals are.  Remember, nobody can hold you accountable for anything they don’t know about.

Friar’s Revised Zodiac Signs

The Coffee Cup (Jan 21- Feb. 15)
You tends to be well-rounded and full of warmth.   You’re able to contain most situations, but if you’re given more than you can handle, you tend to spill things over.

The Budgie (Feb. 15- March 6, only on leap years)
You’re a pretty boy, aren’t you?  Who’s the pretty boy?  You display some vanity, though.  You like to look at yourself in the mirror a lot  But you’re a colorful personality, gregarious and outgoing.  You have no problems voicing your excitement or displeasure (“Eeee! Eeeee! Eeeee! Eeeeee!” )

The Rock (March 6 to April 34)
Strong, stable, dependable.  This is an attribute that people look for in you.  You provide a strong foundation others can depend on. However, you are also stubborn, and slow to change.

Yogurt (Jan 55 to May 1st)
Whimsical, fruity, and adaptable.   You can be fun or serious, depending on the situation.  You’re stable and dependable, already fermented by the rigors of life.   You remain as you are, while others around you  decay and  age.

Lemonade (May 5 to June 12)
You’re sweet and enjoyable, but you display a tartness that makes people sit up and take  notice.   You sum is greater than your individual parts.     You’re possibly compatible with the coffee cup.

The Squirrel (June 8 to June 9)
Industrious and hard working.   You plan well ahead for the future.   But you tend to lose your temper and will often lose perspective, retreating to higher ground while scolding those below you.

The Clam (June 9 to July 30)
Calm, passive, and unflinching.   However, you tend to stagnate and sometimes you’ll close yourself off from the world.  You’re unable to react quickly to changing surroundings and prefer to remain where you are.

The Toaster-Oven (July 30 to Aug. 11)
You exude warmth and well-being.   You’re versatile, you can fulfill two roles at once.     You can be dangerous, though, and burn those that pry too closely into your inner workings.

Meat (August 11 to September 12)
You show many different facets to those around you.  You can be tough and unyielding, or you can be tender.   Many depend on you as their source of strength, while others will stay away from you at all costs.  You’re possibly compatible with Lemonade, and are distantly related to Krill.

The Slug (Mostly Mondays)
Congratulations.  You have the lamest Zodiac sign ever.  Nobody wants to be The Slug.    But cheer up.  It builds character.

Krill (June, November and parts of December)
Individually, you do not stand out from the crowd.  But you work well in groups, and are a solid team member.    You are much better appreciated in large numbers.

Entropy (Wild-card month….April, October….Whatever.  It’s ALL good!)
You create disorder to those around and you are annoyingly ever-present.  But you never stop increasing your personal growth and your persistence is admirable.  There is no stopping you.

Happy Blog Day To Meeeeee.

Hey kids, this is my 176th post!

Lots of people announce their 50th post.  Or their 100th.

But me being the blogging dilletante, it had never occurred to me to count.   So when I recently checked my stats, I found out that I had passed the century mark a while ago.

Geez, and I never even told anyone.

(I hope Blogo-Land will forgive me.) 

So anyhoo….(insert tongue in cheek here), I’m celebrating this post…my 176th.

Why?

Well….Why NOT?

176 is a nice number….11 x 16.   And 11 is a prime, and 16 four squared (two to the power of four).    That’s good enough reason as any.

So Happy Blogoversary to me.

“….and there was much rejoicing.   (Yay.)”.

Running with the Pack: How to Blog Inside the Box

Anyone who strings 500 words together describing what the cat upchucked at breakfast automatically qualifies as a serious, professional “Writer”.

The only reason we’re not all best-selling novelists has nothing to do with our writing skills or talent.  It’s because we haven’t decided to write that first draft yet.   That’s all it takes, really.

Our entire economy can apparently run on the basis of everyone sitting at home, typing to each other on our computers.   Anyone can earn six figures doing this:  the only reason we aren’t is that we’re obviously not trying hard enough.

You know those blogs that everyone likes?    Let everyone know how COOL you think they are.   (You can never praise the Cool Kids enough!)

Freelance writers who work 70 hours a week, shivering in basement apartments eating Ramen Noodles are infinitely superior to the poor bastards working 9-to-5 cubicle-jobs earning $90K.

The market can easily accommodate hundreds of thousands of new authors.    It’s just that those Fat-Cat publishing companies won’t allow it.

If you must discuss politics, just remember to keep it Left-of-Center.    (We know Conservatives are evil, because the Blogosphere tells us so).

You can never post enough itemized lists on how to Improve your Life.   The more lists, the better.

Word of advice:  the Emperor always DOES have clothes!   (Just go with the flow).

Every one of us, regardless of our background, is a Qualified Life Coach.   What works for us, will work for the whole planet.  If ONLY they would listen.

Forget Doctors, Teachers, Engineers, Social Workers, Aid Workers, etc.   It is We…the BLOGGERS, that the world depends on.

In fact, pick a problem.   Any problem.  Like Global Warming or World Hunger.    We can solve it by talking about it for one day.

You can never get enough famous quotes.   They answer all of Life’s challenges or tough questions.  The more you post, the better.

If you don’t post any quotes, then comment how reading one made you burst into tears of inspiration and self-awareness.

It’s important to get lots of blog traffic and comments, but not TOO much, otherwise it wastes your time.   It’s up to your readers to know the perfect balance.

Anyone with a digital camera is capable of producing National Geographic-quality photos.   There is no such thing as bad lighting or poor composition.  Whether it’s a pristine mountain scene or a fetid cesspool, it doesn’t’ matter:  any photo that’s posted is absolutely EXQUISITE, and is worthy of goosebumps and gasps of awe.

It’s crucial to maintain that emotional instability:   at any given moment, be prepared to roll of the floor in hysterical laughter, or burst into fits of uncontrolled sobbing.

Remember that Cool-Kids’ blog that everyone likes?    If they fart,  it’s important to comment how it smells like oven-fresh cinnamon buns.

Forget about posting any actual ORIGINAL creations (like passages from your novel, some poetry or a short story).   What IS important is to write about that fact that you’re writing.

Our blogs are SO IMPORTANT, that we have a RESPONSIBILITY to keep posting our random thoughts.    If we go away for the weekend or miss a post,  it’s important to let the World know.   Otherwise,  our readers will rend their garments, lose Faith in Humanity, and and Civilization (As We Know It) will END.

Finally…

Group Hug, everyone.  (Then weep with joy, as we all are one community).  

The Viking Little Destruction Book

Try to spill at least two quarts of blood every week.

To control your temper, remember to count to ONE.

Learn to smash something beautiful with your hands.

Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses.   Just storm their castle, and take their stuff anyway.

Encourage your children to learn sword-play, as soon as they are weaned.

Be meaner than necessary.

Try to eat something besides read meat.  There is also bacon, ham, mutton, and if need be, fish.

Spend less time worrying about who’s right and who’s wrong.  Just SMASH.

Collect Thor Comics.

If Life hands you lemons, STOMP ON ‘EM!

Never cut off what can be torn off.

Support the local economy.  Pillage nearby merchants, even if it costs a little bit more.

Never use profanity.   Except when fighting, pillaging, drinking, and speaking.

Don’t expect money to bring you happiness.  There is also loot, women, grog and banquets.

Avoid burning bridges.  But if you must, also cut down and burn all surrounding trees, so that the bridge can’t be rebuilt.

Don’t expect life to be fair.  MAKE IT fair!

When you’re a guest, compliment your host on the meal, before you take their loot.

Hear both sides equally, before going berserk.

When there’s no time for a work-out, bench press your Drakaar.

Never forget to rekindle old pillage fires.

Instead of using the word “problem”, yell out “NYARRRGH!” and swing your battle-axe at something.

Have someone read you a book.

If there is a last slice of pizza, just TAKE it.

When undecided what color to paint a room, burn it down.

Street musicians are a treasure…stop and listen.  If they amuse you, let them live.  IF not, slay them and take their coins, which are now rightfully yours.

Equal pay, for equal pillage.

When your wife and you have an argument, don’t get angry.   Instead, step outside, take a deep breath, and invade England.

Never underestimate the power of a kind sword.

When a child falls and skins their knee,  take them gently into your lap, tell them to stop crying, and to suck it up and take one for Odin.

Opportunity can knock very softly…learn to listen for it.   Then smash the door down!

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.   So if your first impression is not successful, then slay your new colleague.

Make a list of twenty-five things you want to do before you die.    Do them.  And then die.

And finally, ALWAYS be the BEST VIKING you know how to be.

These Things Friar Knows to Be True

Every cereal manufacturer, no matter how devoid of nutrition their product might be, will still endorse it as ”Part of a good breakfast”.

You can’t gain any more weight than that of the food you just ate.   Eat a pound of chocolate and nothing else, and the worst you can do is gain a pound.

First Law of Thermodynamics:    Energy = (Heat) + (Work).   

First Law of Burger Dynamics:    (Minivans) + (Moms) + (Screaming Banshee-Children) + (Drive-Thru) = SLOWWWWWW.  

If there is only one traffic light within in the next 20 miles of highway, regarldess of your driving speed, you will hit it when it’s juuuuust  turning red.  

(Beauty) x (Brains) = Constant. 

Nothing is ever frictionless.   Nothing. 

Give the chance, Septagenarians will always pay in exact change.   

A hot cup of coffee will always cool down and heat up the surrounding air.    But you will NEVER see the surrounding air cool down, and spontaneously heat up a cold cup of coffee.

A gas will fill the volume of whatever container it’s placed in.  Similarly,  the amount of work will fill whatever time is available to do it in.  (See Parkinson’s Law.)

How much do you think it will cost to fix your fender-bender?   Pick a number that you think is reasonable.   Now triple it.   That’s what the body shop will quote.

Scooby-Doo and those ”meddling kids” will keep chasing ghosts, even though they all must be pushing 60 by now.

Dream big:  and there will always be some bozo telling you it can’t be done.

Cubicles are here to stay.

Life isn’t fair:  deal with it.

(Age) x (Driving Speed) = Constant. 

The last drop will always fall in your pants (for guys only).

You can’t get ahead.   You can’t break even.   In fact, you can’t even get out of the game.