Happy Post-Thanksgiving: Eleven Things I am Ungrateful For

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1.  Squirrels

Because they’re assholes.

Anyone who follows my blog will know why.

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2.  Frosted Mini Wheats

Coat them with sugar all you want, they still taste like sawdust.

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3.  Lucky Charms (just the cereal part)

Because REALLY…without marshmallows, what’s the freaking POINT?

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4. Caillou

Teaching kids everywhere to be whiny little shits, since 1995.

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5.  The Kardashians

For the life of me, I cannot think of  one thing these women actually DO.   Except maybe metabolize food into CO2 and water vapor and waste heat.

Okay.  I’ll give them THAT…at least.

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6.  French Kids’ TV Shows with Puppets

…and you thought ELMO was obnoxious!

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7.  Estrogen-Saturated Yogurt Commercials

Nothing like setting back the feminist movement by 40 years…

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8.   Chips Ahoy Cookie Bags

Ever since they changed their design…just TRY and open one without ripping it.

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9.   Faster-than-Light Neutrinos Research 

Okay,  you guys.    Stop it.

Just STOP it.

You’re going to ruin physics for EVERYONE.

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10.  Cirque de Soleil

Make it go away.

PLEASE.

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11.  Inspirational Posters telling me to  be grateful.

Because actually, they have the OPPOSITE effect.

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Wolves Versus Squirrels: An Unbiased Comparison

 

(*)  Click on the image to enlarge.

Useful (?) Squirrels

Tulips growing right out of my lawn.

Nice.

Gee, I wonder who did that…huh?

You SQUIRRELS wouldn’t have had anything to do with this, now, would you?

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You varmints probably stole the bulbs from my own garden.

Or maybe the neighbor’s.

But I have to admit, it’s kind of neat, having tulips come out of my lawn.

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It seems you’ve actually done something constructive for a change.

Instead of chewing up electrical wiring, or trying to nest in my roof,  or scolding me from your tree-throne,  you’ve created beauty.

So I’ll let this one go…THIS time.

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But don’t let it go to your head.

You rodents are still a-holes, in my book.

Life Lessons I Learned from Squirrels

Life consists of periods of abundance, and periods of want.   Enjoy the former.   Plan for the latter.

A rolling stone gathers no moss (and never gets eaten).   Never linger in any given place too long.   Whatever you do, keep moving.

When courting your soul-mate,  climb the highest object you can find and scream your love for them, for all the world to hear.

Don’t work hard:  work smart.   Like when you’re destroying a house:  don’t just chew anywhere, but rather focus on the electrical wiring and structural wooden beams.

Life is like a nut.  Sometimes the best things are difficult to obtain, but if you keep working at it, you’ll break through the hard shell and it will pay off in the end.

Never be afraid to break the rules.   Just because that food in the bird-feeder is for birds, there is nothing that says you can’t eat it too.

It’s okay to be vain about your appearance.   If it weren’t for your bushy tail, you’d just be a rat.

If something annoys you, don’t bottle up your feelings.   Clearly express your anger, and don’t stop until the problem goes away.

Don’t be afraid to confront challenges,  even if they’re 100 times your size.   But just make sure you have an exit strategy, where you can retreat to safer ground.

Friar’s Revised Zodiac Signs

The Coffee Cup (Jan 21- Feb. 15)
You tends to be well-rounded and full of warmth.   You’re able to contain most situations, but if you’re given more than you can handle, you tend to spill things over.

The Budgie (Feb. 15- March 6, only on leap years)
You’re a pretty boy, aren’t you?  Who’s the pretty boy?  You display some vanity, though.  You like to look at yourself in the mirror a lot  But you’re a colorful personality, gregarious and outgoing.  You have no problems voicing your excitement or displeasure (“Eeee! Eeeee! Eeeee! Eeeeee!” )

The Rock (March 6 to April 34)
Strong, stable, dependable.  This is an attribute that people look for in you.  You provide a strong foundation others can depend on. However, you are also stubborn, and slow to change.

Yogurt (Jan 55 to May 1st)
Whimsical, fruity, and adaptable.   You can be fun or serious, depending on the situation.  You’re stable and dependable, already fermented by the rigors of life.   You remain as you are, while others around you  decay and  age.

Lemonade (May 5 to June 12)
You’re sweet and enjoyable, but you display a tartness that makes people sit up and take  notice.   You sum is greater than your individual parts.     You’re possibly compatible with the coffee cup.

The Squirrel (June 8 to June 9)
Industrious and hard working.   You plan well ahead for the future.   But you tend to lose your temper and will often lose perspective, retreating to higher ground while scolding those below you.

The Clam (June 9 to July 30)
Calm, passive, and unflinching.   However, you tend to stagnate and sometimes you’ll close yourself off from the world.  You’re unable to react quickly to changing surroundings and prefer to remain where you are.

The Toaster-Oven (July 30 to Aug. 11)
You exude warmth and well-being.   You’re versatile, you can fulfill two roles at once.     You can be dangerous, though, and burn those that pry too closely into your inner workings.

Meat (August 11 to September 12)
You show many different facets to those around you.  You can be tough and unyielding, or you can be tender.   Many depend on you as their source of strength, while others will stay away from you at all costs.  You’re possibly compatible with Lemonade, and are distantly related to Krill.

The Slug (Mostly Mondays)
Congratulations.  You have the lamest Zodiac sign ever.  Nobody wants to be The Slug.    But cheer up.  It builds character.

Krill (June, November and parts of December)
Individually, you do not stand out from the crowd.  But you work well in groups, and are a solid team member.    You are much better appreciated in large numbers.

Entropy (Wild-card month….April, October….Whatever.  It’s ALL good!)
You create disorder to those around and you are annoyingly ever-present.  But you never stop increasing your personal growth and your persistence is admirable.  There is no stopping you.

Friar’s Top Ten Assholes of the Animal Kingdom (*)

(*) Excluding humans

 

 

1.Trigger-fish

Years ago, when snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef, I felt a few small taps on my leg.  I turned around to see this little 4-inch fish nipping at me.  It didn’t hurt, but it was downright annoying. 

And he kept coming at me, the little bastard.

I had just finished swimming with Moray eels, sharks, barracudas and giant stingrays.  All these big predator fish didn’t seem to have a problem with me.   Yet here was this nippy little runt having a hissy-fit whenever I entered his 5-foot tidal pool.     

I just wanted to swat the little bugger, but he conveniently kept out of range.   Only to bite me on my butt as soon as my back was turned.

Most obnoxious.   Fish.    Ever.    

 

2.  Crows

As much as I like wildlife,  I detest it when these squawk-boxes decide to scream outside my window at 5:30 AM.   

CAWWW!  CAWWW!  CAWWW! 

Years ago, a couple of really obnoxious crows terrorized my parent’s neighborhood and wouldn’t leave.   They drove everyone nuts, and people weren’t getting any sleep. 

I have memories of my Mom screaming at frustration at one of these birds, who perched on top of a streetlight, looking down at her, making cheeky squawking noises.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he was laughing at her.  

…Asshole!

Then one day the crows were gone.   One was found in the pool next door, the exact cause of death unknown.

Although no one admitted it, I suspect a sleep-deprived neighbor with a pellet gun might have had something to do with it.

Look, I don’t’ condone animal cruelty.   I’d never shoot a critter like that in a million years.   But (to be perfectly honest)…just this once…I was not totally devastated that someone else did. 

 

3. Squirrels.

If there is anything more obnoxious on the planet than being told off by a small squeaking rodent, please tell me.   

The grey squirrels, I have no problems with.  They’re harmless…they keep to themselves and the only noise they make is when they mate.  That’s when they perch on top of a telephone pole and go  “F**CK MEEEEEE!   ….F**CK MEEEEEE!”

But the little red squirrels.  Don’t even get me started.  They chew and destroy outdoor furniture, garden sheds and backyard decks.  They try to make nests inside your house and ruin the electrical wiring.  Plus they’re bullies….they push the nice grey squirrels out of the neighborhood.

And if you happen annoy the little red varmints (which is almost ALWAYS) they go into perpetual shit-fit mode.  Be prepared to be scolded for the next two hours:

“Ttttttttttt….ttttt…tttttttttttt…tttttttttt…ttttttttttttt…ttttttttttttttttt…ttttt”.

(Oh, get OVER IT and shut UP already!)

This is when I wish dogs could climb trees.

 

4.  Cats. 

Cats are assholes. 

There, I’ve said it. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I love animals, including cats.  My friends’ kitties are always coming to me (probably because they know I’m allergic).  And despite asthma attacks, I’m always a sucker and I pet them.  

But c’mon, lets be honest here.  Compared to dogs, cats do have latent asshole tendencies.  That’s probably why we love them so much.  

For example, look at how a they’ll tease and torment a half-dead baby bird.  There’s something inherently evil about that.

What also bugs me is how they’ll suddenly turn on you.   You could be sitting on the couch, petting Kitty who’s on your lap, purring contentedly.  It’s a calm Zen-like moment and you’re both bonding. 

But suddenly, without warning, Kitty goes psycho and digs her claws into you and bites.  She’s pissed off now, tail a-twitching,  and you’re not allowed to touch her.  But she won’t get up and leave, either.    No matter what you do, you’re gonna get scratched.

Look..DUMB-ASS!…Who’s putting a gun to your head and making you stay?  If you don’t like it…LEAVE! 

Cat people will always apologize this malevolent behavior.  They’ll tell you  ”Well, when cats get over-stimulated, this is what they do.  This is how cats act…”

My point exactly!

They act like assholes!     

 

 5.  Canada Geese

Yes, I realize these birds are one of our beloved icons up here in the Great White North.     But  (as my friend Ellen refers to them), Canada Geese are also nasty little hissy bitches. 

I spent two entire summers feeding Wonder Bread to dozens of geese that hung around my front yard.   I got to know them intimately, and believe me,  these critters are NOT nice.   The adults bully small goslings, they attack each other, and hiss at you in aggression while you feed them.  

There is no mistaking their nasty body language.   We’re lucky they only have feathers and beaks…if they had teeth and claws, they’d be trying to kill us.   

 

6.  Snapping Turtles

Two words.  Mean and nasty.   These are the grumpy old men of the Animal Kingdom (except they’re grumpy old men that can take your finger off).

They do eat baby geese, though.  

(Before I get scolded for saying that last part, hey, don’t blame me!…blame Mother Nature!)

 

 7.  Mosquitoes

You haven’t experienced true misery until you’ve been up in the Arctic in high summer.   The bugs are so voracious up there, they bite through your socks and track pants, and you have to wear surgical gloves on your hands.  

There are so many you inhale them when you talk, and if you go outside unprotected, you’ll run screaming back into your cabin or your car.     

In the summer time, nobody wants to go outside in the land of the midnight sun.   You’ll notice that everyone is indoors, in the tents or cabins, hiding from the buzzing hordes of the sting-bastards.

I know mosquitoes are vital to the ecosystem and fish and birds feed on them.    But why do they have make our life so miserable!?    Can’t they just bite us without the sting?  

Thanks again, Mother Nature.

 

8.  Killer Whales

I always thought these were gentle giants, until I saw a nature show where two wild Orcas were terrorizing a half-mangled seal pup who was still alive.  It’s one thing for animals to hunt and kill to survive.  But these two whales were torturing the poor seal, tossing it between themselves like a basketball.  Playing with their food, so to speak.

I’m sorry, that is just pure, unadulterated ASSHOLE behaviour.   

(Can you Imagine the conniption fit Greenpeace would have if humans were caught doing that!?)  

Frankly, I expected better from our fellow sea-mammal friends. 

Shamu, I am very, VERY disappointed in you. 

 

9. Seagulls 

If left to their own devices, these graceful marine birds would keep to themselves and would survive by hunting fish, as nature intended.   But as soon as they catch on that we humans are around, they turn into Shit-Hawks.

They’ll flock around us in droves and fight over any scraps of food we might throw out.   These flying Garborators only live for one thing…to cram as much food down their gullet as they can. 

They tolerate us because we’re their meal ticket.  But they hate everything else (including themselves).   Their body posture eloquently displays their bad temperament …head hunched down, back arched…flipping their beak up, squawking and chasing away competitors.   

For every 100 garbage calories they eat, they’ll expend 90 calories screaming at each other.  I’ve even seen them intimidate Canada Geese.

Seagulls.  Ugh.  I put them in the same category as carp, pigeons and rats.   

 

10. Chimps

Awww…chimps, you say?   …not those adorable little monkeys on TV!?    

Yes, chimps.   They’re assholes.

The ones on TV are cute and docile, because they’re BABY chimps.  A full-grown chimp is a whole other story.   Picture something with the patience and social skills of a two-year old, but weighing 180 pounds, with sharp canine teeth who can rip your arm off in a second.

If you don’t’ believe me, look at one of Jane Goodall’s documentaries (or check out Escape to Chimp Eden on Animal Planet).  Then you’ll get to see what these critters are really like. 

Chimps bully each other, form little cliques and pick on the weak.  They constantly have temper tantrums, scream and fight…and worse.  (It ain’t pretty!).  It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing our dark side.

I think Charleton Heston had it right, when he said “Get your hands off me, you damned dirty ape”.

The chimps’ only their saving grace is they haven’t’ figured out how to make complex weapons yet.  (Give them a few more million years, though, and see what they come up with.)

Next time one Bobo asks for a banana pellet, though, maybe you better give it to him…!