Useless Material I’d Take out of the School Curriculum

Making Shit out of Construction Paper
I remember visiting a paper mill some years ago, and seeing pink construction paper being made.  Tons and tons of it, rolling off the machine.   And I remember thinking:  That’s gotta supply every kindergarten class in North America for the next 10 years.

Because really, what good is construction paper?   Other than prevent tantrums and/or kids from killing each other?

Because what better way to distract the little urchins than to give them lame-ass “Arts and Craps” projects that they bring home to Mommy?  (Who then puts them on the fridge, and discards a week later).

We should give our kids paints, paper, and pencils, instead.    Let’s teach them REAL art.

In the mean time, let’s find a better use for our limited supply of trees.

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Venn Diagrams
Okay, those were fun in Grade Four.   We took plastic triangles and squares, and divided them up inside circles.

Yay.

But when, outside school, have we EVER used Venn diagrams in real life?

To this day, I still don’t understand what the point of those God-damned things were.

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Learning to Play the Recorder
Okay, let’s set things straight:  there is only ONE decent recorder tune ever made, and that’s the theme from the Friendly Giant.

Aside from that, the recorder is the Lamest.   Musical Instrument.   Ever.

Nothing like a class full of thirty 12-year-old kids, trying to learn how to play “Hot Cross Buns” at the same time.

Things like that make me want to puncture my eardrums with a pencil to end my misery.

I dont’ know what the point of it is, because outside Grade 7, you will NEVER play the recorder again.

This is no good recorder sheet-music.   There are no hot recorder concerts.   There are no decent recorder CD’s  to download onto  your I-pod.

Nope.  There is just NO use for the recorder in our society.

(Except to play the theme song for the Friendly Giant).

And that show is off the air now.

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Shakespeare
Okay, I know you English Lit majors out there will scream for my blood for  saying this…but seriously, what was the POINT of Shakespeare?

The last time I read Ol’ Bill was in 1982.   When I was in English class…when I had to.

And I don’t miss him ONE bit.

I remember the stories were adequate, at best.   But certainly not good enough to make me run screaming to the bookstore, and ask: “Oooh!  Oooh!  Do you have the latest copy of King Henry the IV, Part II? “

Call me a heretic, but to be honest,  I much prefer to read Stephen King.

Shakespeare has been analyzed, and re-analyzed, over and over.  He’s had his time.   Let’s stop beating this dead horse into bone dust.

Surely, in the past 500 years, there is some OTHER literature we can force-feed to our kids.

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Advanced Geometry
In my senior year of High School, I took this course called “Functions and Relations”.    We learned how to sketch parabolas.   We learned what hyperbolas (hyperbolae?) were, and we could flip-flop them around the x-axis.    It was quite tricky, actually.

And we NEVER used it again.

At the time, I thought I was mature enough to realize that this course was just covering the basics, and in University, I’d soon see what all these silly equations were for.

But like I said…we NEVER used it again.

And I have a PhD in Engineering.

So you can only imagine how useful this was to the kids who went on to study Liberal Arts or Business Admin.

Celebrating my Literary Ignorance: A List of Books I’ve Never Read

Okay, before anyone accuses me of being illiterate,  I actually have read quite a number of books in my lifetime, including many of the so-called “Literary Classics”.

Just that I didn’t major in English, so I haven’t read everything the Tortured Intellectual PhD’s tell us we should read.

There are only so many free hours a day, and not all of us want to read 7 books a week.  And many of us often prefer a best-selling author, rather than plowing through literary criticisms of 18th-century poetry.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s all good.  They’re all just BOOKS, and reading anything is a worthy pursuit.    No one subject is necessarily better than the other.  It’s just a matter of taste.

So without any further ado, I’ll stop my rant and list some of the books I probably “should” have read, but haven’t.

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Anything by Agatha Christie
If what they show on PBS is anywhere even REMOTELY related to the books, I am SO not interested.

I get the impression that between 1880-1930, half of England was busy trying to “muh-deh” the other half.  Especially on wealthy estates where people wore tweed and sipped tea all day. (As if they didn’t have anything better to do with their free time).

Fine.  Go ahead and kill each other off.  I couldn’t care less.   That’s one less inbred Upper-Class twit the planet has to deal with.

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Anything to do with Sherlock Holmes
As I wrote earlier, Sherlock Holmes has been done and re-done so many times before, that I’m already sick of it before ever having read a single book.

When you start to see stupid deer-hunter detective hats on The Muppet Show and in Archie Comics,  it’s time to put this 19th-century chestnut to bed.

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Almost all of Dickens
We studied Oliver Twist in Grade 13 English.  And that was ENOUGH Dickens for my lifetime.

Poor Oliver this.   Poor Oliver that.   Poor dear darling child.  His chin quivered as tears rolled down his pale cheeks.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

ARGH!  The goody-goody, maudlin style of Victorian writing drove me and my classmates nuts.

In fact, by the end of the book, we were hoping for Oliver to DIE!  DIE!  DIE!

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Emily Dickinson
I’m not saying she might not be good, but I just never got around to reading her.   And I probably never will.

I’m not putting down people who love her poetry.    But hey, I’m a guy.   And an engineer on top of that.

19th-century recluse poetry is just NOT a high priority with me.

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Most of Shakespeare
I read and/or saw a few of his plays during my teens.    If I recall, this included King Henry IV Part I, King Henry IV Part II,  MacBeth, King Lear, Twelfth Night.

And that was enough.

Seems we spent more time in English Class trying to decipher the 16th century prose, rather than actually enjoying the story.

I know the English profs will clench their teeth and wring their hands when they hear me say this:

But you know what?  I found it okay, but not great.

I’m sorry, but I DON’T think the Bard of Avon was necessarily the direct pipeline to the Divine Voice of God.

There…I’ve said it.

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Most of the Dune Series
I plowed my way through the first Dune book.   Bloody annoying.

First of all, Frank Herbert invented an artificial language that was so complicated,  it required you to use a freaking GLOSSARY at the back of the book.  It drove me nuts, having to flip back and forth just to figure out what the hell they were trying to say.

Enough with the Bene Gesserits and Muad’Dibs!  …why dont’ you just write the freaking story in ENGLISH!??

As for the plot itself…I just coudln’t get into it.

And what are there…something like twenty five more Dune books after that?

Hey, if I didnt’ enjoy the first book my chances of reading the sequels are pretty slim.

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Lord of the Rings
Oh, I can just hear the Dungeons-and-Dragons geeks screaming in angst when I admit I haven’t’ read this one yet.

(No!  No!  I loves my Tolkein.   I knows his books is supposed to be good!)

I just haven’t gotten around to reading it yet.

I probably will…eventually…one day.

Just that reading the trilogy involves a huge investment of time.  (What are there, 37,500 pages in total?).

I’m sorry, I’m in a relationship with several other books right now.

I…I don’t know if I’m ready to make that kind of commitment yet.

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Pride and Prejudice
The equivalent of a 19th Century Chick-Flick.

Oh, now there’s GREAT READING MATERIAL for a single guy.

‘Nuff said.

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War and Peace
This is the one people always say they’ll read one day.  (“Oh, yeah, I’m going to bring it to the beach, my goal is to finish it over the summer.”)

It’s as if completing this book is some kind of literary rite-of-passage.

Like eating your brussel sprouts:  it’s something you do because it’s good for you, but you don’t necessarily enjoy.

I’ve never heard anyone tell me they’ve actually LIKED the book, though.

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Most of James Mitchener
I’ve read three of his books. (And that alone, accounts for more reading than many people do in a lifetime).

But I think I’m done here.

Sweet Jesus, his books are thick enough to stop an artillery shell!   With all the plots, and sub plots, and sub-sub-plots, with hundreds of characters you have to keep track of, there is just WAY TOO MUCH reading.

In Texas, for example,  I could have done without the intricately-detailed description of how the wife of a very minor character I never read about again collected wild pecans on her pioneer homestead to make a pie with.

He obviously must have been paid by the word, or something.

Hey!  Authors!   If you can’t tell me your story within 1000 pages, then chances are, you’re babbling too much.

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The Bible
I admit it.  I’m a Bible dilettante.

Oh, sure, I’ve read selected passages in Religion Class when I went to Catholic School.  I know bits and pieces of the Gospel from Mass.   But I’ve never read the best-selling book of all time, from cover to cover.

I probably SHOULD.

But I probably won’t.

I might burn in Hell for saying so, but I’m sorry, I find Stephen King more fun to read.