Happy Post-Thanksgiving: Eleven Things I am Ungrateful For

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1.  Squirrels

Because they’re assholes.

Anyone who follows my blog will know why.

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2.  Frosted Mini Wheats

Coat them with sugar all you want, they still taste like sawdust.

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3.  Lucky Charms (just the cereal part)

Because REALLY…without marshmallows, what’s the freaking POINT?

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4. Caillou

Teaching kids everywhere to be whiny little shits, since 1995.

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5.  The Kardashians

For the life of me, I cannot think of  one thing these women actually DO.   Except maybe metabolize food into CO2 and water vapor and waste heat.

Okay.  I’ll give them THAT…at least.

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6.  French Kids’ TV Shows with Puppets

…and you thought ELMO was obnoxious!

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7.  Estrogen-Saturated Yogurt Commercials

Nothing like setting back the feminist movement by 40 years…

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8.   Chips Ahoy Cookie Bags

Ever since they changed their design…just TRY and open one without ripping it.

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9.   Faster-than-Light Neutrinos Research 

Okay,  you guys.    Stop it.

Just STOP it.

You’re going to ruin physics for EVERYONE.

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10.  Cirque de Soleil

Make it go away.

PLEASE.

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11.  Inspirational Posters telling me to  be grateful.

Because actually, they have the OPPOSITE effect.

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Another Ungrateful List

Today, many of our friends are celebrating American Thanksgiving, and some are blogging about the things they’re grateful for.    But (since we’ve already had our Thanksgiving in Canada, and since it’s my nature to be a crotchety old Friar), I feel it’s my duty to do the complete opposite.

So here is another list of things I”m UNGRATEFUL for…

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The entire Month of November.   

Awww…The pumpkins have all gone (especially if you live in Canada). 

Red squirrels (see my rant here).

Early snow on my driveway (I dont’ care if it’s a foot deep, I won’t shovel it…I WON’T.  Not in November, dammit). 

The Little Drummer Boy Song (Pahrum-pa-pum DUMB…!)

Early Shopping-Mall Christmas Carols (There oughta be a law…NO Christmas music until we’ve finished raking the leaves).  

Warm Raisin Pie. (If you wanted to go out of your way to pick the ultimate food to make me gag…MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!)

I know I’ve probably said this before…but Bunny balls (from crummy toilet paper).

Lo-Fat ANYTHING.

Inspirational stories about people worse off than me overcoming great odds, that just make me feel like a total screw-up for not getting my own mundane life in order. 

Sitting down at Thanksgiving Dinner, and being made to go around the table with everyone telling each other what we’re thankful for.  (Yes, yes….I know I’m being a Grinch here.  But we’re not six years old any more.   Plus there’s something about being forced to participate in this Morality Play that just sets my teeth on edge!)

Plugging the toilet.  (I won’t elaborate here.)

IKEA’s premium parking spots for families with kids.  (Way to make me feel like a 2nd class Citizen, just because I haven’t chosen to breed yet!)

Smart Cars (…you drive that and call yourself a MANI?) 

Whole Wheat.  (Is it just me, or does it give bread a BITTER after-taste?)

Cryptic Crosswords (my Mom tried to get me to do one once…I burst a blood vessel in my brain!)  

New York Times Crossword Puzzle clues that only English-Major Artsy-Fartsy’s can get.  i.e.  17th century Welsh novelist.   (Oh…COME ON!!!)

Pokemon (can this fad just please DIE already?) 

Being asked at the very last minute to say Grace at dinner in front of 20 people.  (Nothing like being put on the spot!)

The seventh consecutive day of turkey left-overs (Next year, can we just order pizza instead?)