Friar’s Top Ten Assholes of the Animal Kingdom (*)

(*) Excluding humans

 

 

1.Trigger-fish

Years ago, when snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef, I felt a few small taps on my leg.  I turned around to see this little 4-inch fish nipping at me.  It didn’t hurt, but it was downright annoying. 

And he kept coming at me, the little bastard.

I had just finished swimming with Moray eels, sharks, barracudas and giant stingrays.  All these big predator fish didn’t seem to have a problem with me.   Yet here was this nippy little runt having a hissy-fit whenever I entered his 5-foot tidal pool.     

I just wanted to swat the little bugger, but he conveniently kept out of range.   Only to bite me on my butt as soon as my back was turned.

Most obnoxious.   Fish.    Ever.    

 

2.  Crows

As much as I like wildlife,  I detest it when these squawk-boxes decide to scream outside my window at 5:30 AM.   

CAWWW!  CAWWW!  CAWWW! 

Years ago, a couple of really obnoxious crows terrorized my parent’s neighborhood and wouldn’t leave.   They drove everyone nuts, and people weren’t getting any sleep. 

I have memories of my Mom screaming at frustration at one of these birds, who perched on top of a streetlight, looking down at her, making cheeky squawking noises.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he was laughing at her.  

…Asshole!

Then one day the crows were gone.   One was found in the pool next door, the exact cause of death unknown.

Although no one admitted it, I suspect a sleep-deprived neighbor with a pellet gun might have had something to do with it.

Look, I don’t’ condone animal cruelty.   I’d never shoot a critter like that in a million years.   But (to be perfectly honest)…just this once…I was not totally devastated that someone else did. 

 

3. Squirrels.

If there is anything more obnoxious on the planet than being told off by a small squeaking rodent, please tell me.   

The grey squirrels, I have no problems with.  They’re harmless…they keep to themselves and the only noise they make is when they mate.  That’s when they perch on top of a telephone pole and go  “F**CK MEEEEEE!   ….F**CK MEEEEEE!”

But the little red squirrels.  Don’t even get me started.  They chew and destroy outdoor furniture, garden sheds and backyard decks.  They try to make nests inside your house and ruin the electrical wiring.  Plus they’re bullies….they push the nice grey squirrels out of the neighborhood.

And if you happen annoy the little red varmints (which is almost ALWAYS) they go into perpetual shit-fit mode.  Be prepared to be scolded for the next two hours:

“Ttttttttttt….ttttt…tttttttttttt…tttttttttt…ttttttttttttt…ttttttttttttttttt…ttttt”.

(Oh, get OVER IT and shut UP already!)

This is when I wish dogs could climb trees.

 

4.  Cats. 

Cats are assholes. 

There, I’ve said it. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I love animals, including cats.  My friends’ kitties are always coming to me (probably because they know I’m allergic).  And despite asthma attacks, I’m always a sucker and I pet them.  

But c’mon, lets be honest here.  Compared to dogs, cats do have latent asshole tendencies.  That’s probably why we love them so much.  

For example, look at how a they’ll tease and torment a half-dead baby bird.  There’s something inherently evil about that.

What also bugs me is how they’ll suddenly turn on you.   You could be sitting on the couch, petting Kitty who’s on your lap, purring contentedly.  It’s a calm Zen-like moment and you’re both bonding. 

But suddenly, without warning, Kitty goes psycho and digs her claws into you and bites.  She’s pissed off now, tail a-twitching,  and you’re not allowed to touch her.  But she won’t get up and leave, either.    No matter what you do, you’re gonna get scratched.

Look..DUMB-ASS!…Who’s putting a gun to your head and making you stay?  If you don’t like it…LEAVE! 

Cat people will always apologize this malevolent behavior.  They’ll tell you  ”Well, when cats get over-stimulated, this is what they do.  This is how cats act…”

My point exactly!

They act like assholes!     

 

 5.  Canada Geese

Yes, I realize these birds are one of our beloved icons up here in the Great White North.     But  (as my friend Ellen refers to them), Canada Geese are also nasty little hissy bitches. 

I spent two entire summers feeding Wonder Bread to dozens of geese that hung around my front yard.   I got to know them intimately, and believe me,  these critters are NOT nice.   The adults bully small goslings, they attack each other, and hiss at you in aggression while you feed them.  

There is no mistaking their nasty body language.   We’re lucky they only have feathers and beaks…if they had teeth and claws, they’d be trying to kill us.   

 

6.  Snapping Turtles

Two words.  Mean and nasty.   These are the grumpy old men of the Animal Kingdom (except they’re grumpy old men that can take your finger off).

They do eat baby geese, though.  

(Before I get scolded for saying that last part, hey, don’t blame me!…blame Mother Nature!)

 

 7.  Mosquitoes

You haven’t experienced true misery until you’ve been up in the Arctic in high summer.   The bugs are so voracious up there, they bite through your socks and track pants, and you have to wear surgical gloves on your hands.  

There are so many you inhale them when you talk, and if you go outside unprotected, you’ll run screaming back into your cabin or your car.     

In the summer time, nobody wants to go outside in the land of the midnight sun.   You’ll notice that everyone is indoors, in the tents or cabins, hiding from the buzzing hordes of the sting-bastards.

I know mosquitoes are vital to the ecosystem and fish and birds feed on them.    But why do they have make our life so miserable!?    Can’t they just bite us without the sting?  

Thanks again, Mother Nature.

 

8.  Killer Whales

I always thought these were gentle giants, until I saw a nature show where two wild Orcas were terrorizing a half-mangled seal pup who was still alive.  It’s one thing for animals to hunt and kill to survive.  But these two whales were torturing the poor seal, tossing it between themselves like a basketball.  Playing with their food, so to speak.

I’m sorry, that is just pure, unadulterated ASSHOLE behaviour.   

(Can you Imagine the conniption fit Greenpeace would have if humans were caught doing that!?)  

Frankly, I expected better from our fellow sea-mammal friends. 

Shamu, I am very, VERY disappointed in you. 

 

9. Seagulls 

If left to their own devices, these graceful marine birds would keep to themselves and would survive by hunting fish, as nature intended.   But as soon as they catch on that we humans are around, they turn into Shit-Hawks.

They’ll flock around us in droves and fight over any scraps of food we might throw out.   These flying Garborators only live for one thing…to cram as much food down their gullet as they can. 

They tolerate us because we’re their meal ticket.  But they hate everything else (including themselves).   Their body posture eloquently displays their bad temperament …head hunched down, back arched…flipping their beak up, squawking and chasing away competitors.   

For every 100 garbage calories they eat, they’ll expend 90 calories screaming at each other.  I’ve even seen them intimidate Canada Geese.

Seagulls.  Ugh.  I put them in the same category as carp, pigeons and rats.   

 

10. Chimps

Awww…chimps, you say?   …not those adorable little monkeys on TV!?    

Yes, chimps.   They’re assholes.

The ones on TV are cute and docile, because they’re BABY chimps.  A full-grown chimp is a whole other story.   Picture something with the patience and social skills of a two-year old, but weighing 180 pounds, with sharp canine teeth who can rip your arm off in a second.

If you don’t’ believe me, look at one of Jane Goodall’s documentaries (or check out Escape to Chimp Eden on Animal Planet).  Then you’ll get to see what these critters are really like. 

Chimps bully each other, form little cliques and pick on the weak.  They constantly have temper tantrums, scream and fight…and worse.  (It ain’t pretty!).  It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing our dark side.

I think Charleton Heston had it right, when he said “Get your hands off me, you damned dirty ape”.

The chimps’ only their saving grace is they haven’t’ figured out how to make complex weapons yet.  (Give them a few more million years, though, and see what they come up with.)

Next time one Bobo asks for a banana pellet, though, maybe you better give it to him…!

 

 

Top Ten Assholes from Cartoons and Comic Strips

1.  Margaret Wade (from Dennis the Menace)

I think every kid grew up with a Margaret in their neighborhood. She’s the typical prissy little Mommy’s girl who refuses to play in the sandbox and get her dress dirty, who thinks she’s better than everyone.   Margaret is just too smart for her own good, and doesn’t clue in that everyone resents her arrogant air of superiority.  Yet she seems to be on a perpetual mission to ”educate” Dennis the Menace and keep him in line. 

If she had it her way, Dennis would be a little wuss wearing a suit and bow tie, sipping crumpets and tea with her dollies.  I’m glad Dennis doesn’t succumb to this bullshit.   In fact, I’m surprised at how tolerant he is.  

If Dennis was a true seven year old, he’d call her an “idiot stupid head” and push her down into the mud.    And she’d deserve it.   But I got to hand it to Dennis.   Whenever Margaret is lecturing him for the umpteenth time, he usually laughs at her and teases her until she walks off in a huff.    (Attaboy, Dennis!)

I can just picture Margaret as adult:  a corporate professional with a ”bitch cut” hairstyle and a grey man-suit with padded shoulders.  A Frigid Ice-Queen in a childless marriage, who drives her P-whipped Mangina  husband to drink (or to another wife).  Or both.

Dennis, stick to my advice.  Stop hanging out with Margaret.   Gina is way cooler.

2.  Caillou

If you’re three years old, you’ll love Caillou.  But if you’re any older than that,  you’ll want to gouge your eyes out whenever you hear the little rug-rat start the cartoon show with his sing-song voice: 

“I’m just a little brat…I shaved the neighbors cat…Mommy medicates me, I’m CAI….YOO”.

Don’t even get me started on what’s wrong with Caillou.  Suffice to say he’s an obnoxious whiny little maggot and his parents are idiots.    The kid deserves a good spanking.  Furthermore, the show is so damned goody-goody, diabetics shouldn’t watch it lest they go into insulin shock. 

If you think I’m being too harsh,  just google “I hate Caillou” and see what you come up with.   There are armies of parents who are forced to watch this drivel with their kids, who despise Caillou even more than I do.   In fact, there’s been so much hatred written against Light-Bulb Head that I don’t even need to elaborate any further. 

On a related note:  can anyone tell me why he’s bald?  Is it because they’re trying to make him cuter?  Or is it because he’s not well?    If it’s the latter, then he might not be long for this world.   We can only hope.

 3. Ash Ketchum (from Pokemon)

I find the whole premise of this cartoon disgusting.   Ash and his friends are supposed to capture and collect wild Pokemon, and “train” them to fight each other.

So let me get this straight.  You capture wild animals (or whatever the F#$@ Pokemon are supposed to be), force them into captivity, where you make them attack each other for your own amusement and self-glorification.    You…assholes!

And the Pokemon do get hurt when they fight.  Of course, Ash and the other “trainers” will feign concern, but do they really care? (After all it’s because of THEM that the Pokemon are fighting in the first place). 

Take away the cartoon aspect of it, and what you have is glorified cock-fighting.    Ash and his cronies are no better than those drug dealers who raise pit bulls to kill each other, and then profit from the winnings. 

Maybe the Pokemon should revolt, and force their cruel “trainers” into a ring, and make THEM fight themselves to the death.   

 Pika, Pika, indeed.

4. The Berenstain Bear Family (except the Dad)

Check out any Berenstain Bears episode, and randomly start your stopwatch.   Count how long it takes before you’re taught a lesson in morality.  You’ll be lucky if 60 seconds go by before you get lectured on sharing or doing homework or telling the truth.    I pity the poor kids who are forced to watch this PC crap.   (…whatever happened to coyotes with falling anvils or cats swallowing dynamite?)

But what’s even more annoying is the anti-male Feminazi agenda of the whole show.   Anytime the Bears needs to solve a problem, it’s Mama Bear to the rescue.  She’s always the wise one who has the answer.   Any time someone in the family is acting like an badly, (i.e. being selfish, lazy, or not doing the housework), it’s usually a male bear.  Often Brother, but mostly Papa.   

The obvious Bear Family Hierarchy goes from Mama > Sister > Brother, ending with Papa on the bottom of the shit-heap.   Instead of being an Apex Predator to be feared by all, Papa is portrayed as a buffoon/idiot.    There is also a trickle-down effect, as Sis often treats her older (and also more stupid) brother the same way.

It also goes beyond the family.  The town plumber and doctor are also women.  (Oh, gee, can you PUH-LEEZE be more obvious about letting us know that women can fill non-traditional job roles?).   The message of the whole show is loud and clear:  Women rule, and men are expendable and/or stupid.

I’d like to see what would happen if Papa suddenly got fed up of being P-whipped, and went berserk and acted like a REAL bear.    In the wild, male grizzlies are known to attack females and kill the cubs.

5.  Richie Rich’s Parents.

Richie Rich isn’t exactly an angel himself.  The comic strip refers to him as the ”Poor Little Rich Boy“, but he’s far from anything BUT….He’s just a spoiled rotten little brat who has no concept of money or how lucky he is.   He hangs out with poor kids (Freckles and Pee Wee), who live in a freaking SHACK, but he never helps them.   But I digress here.  If you want a really good rant about Richie Rich, I refer you Things that Suck .

But you cant’ really blame Richie  He’s just a kid, who’s the product of the environment he was raised in.   He really doesn’t know any better.  

But what about his parents?  They’re adults, they SHOULD know better.   They live is such decadent opulence, yet you never see them ever talk about giving money to Africa or trying to curing AIDS.

Bill Gates has a bazillion dollars, but at least he’s been trying to do some good with his money, unlike Richies’ parents.  These two bosons do nothing but lounge around the house all day, with the Father puffing a pipe in his 1940′s smoking jacket, and the Fat-ass Mother lying on a couch covered in diamonds.  As far as I’m concerned, these two are just another bunch of rich selfish bastards who probably gained their wealth by exploiting the third world.

And talk about being an absentee parents.  You might occasionally see Richies’ dad, but most of the time he’s hardly ever there.  Richie’s Mom is ever more absent, to the point that you forget he even HAS a Mom.   And when have you ever seen Richie get a hug from either of them?   

You wonder why his parents even bothered…maybe they needed a pet kid for appearance purposes and got tired of him when the novelty wore off.  Richie ends up getting more parenting from his butler Cadbury than from his own family.   No wonder the kid’s messed up. 

6.  Big Moose

Why they let this abusive retard mingle with the general population in Riverdale High School is beyond me.  

Any time anyone even looks at Moose’s ”gurl” Midge, they get the crap beaten out of them.   Yet everyone seems to accept it.  The teachers and parents do nothing to stop it…the kids are afraid to speak out, and Moose gets to continue his reign of terror.    I especially feel sorry for Reggie, who’s been pummeled by Moose so many times you wonder if he has any of this original teeth left. 

As for Midge:  for God’s sake, girl!  Get out of that relationship when you can…unless you want to start wearing sunglasses to school and explaining to people how you “walked into a door”.   

What would happen in real life if a student repeatedly beat up his fellow classmates in public?   He’d be expelled and hauled off to Juvie faster than you can say “duh”.  But not Ol’ Moose.  They just let him go back to class as if nothing happened.

I think Big Moose fell through the cracks of a failed education system.  He was probably one of those “Special Ed” kids who wore a hockey helmet to class and rode the “little bus” to school.   But the teachers probably didn’t know how to handle him, so they kept promoting him to the next grade.  As a result,  you end up with this angry 250 lb. high school senior who can barely read.

I wish Archie and his buddies would pull a Full Metal Jacket  and pin Moose down one night on a bunk bed, and then clobber him with socks filled with bars of soap.   Just to let him know what being beaten up feels like, and that they won’t take his crap anymore.    

What’s in store for Moose as an adult?  I see two options:   cannon fodder in Iraq, or serving 5-10 years in San Quentin for aggravated assault.

7.  Veronica Lodge

Here’s another Prime Asshole from the gang at Riverdale High School that I wish would die.   

Sure, she’s good looking, but not any more so than any of the other girls in the Archie Comics.  (They’re all drawn exactly the same way).   In fact, if you interchanged the heads of Betty and Veronica, you wouldn’t be able to tell the girls apart.

It’s her personality that’s the problem.  Veronica is downright toxic.    When she wants to, she can be sweet as honey, but within seconds, she’ll turn on you like a rattlesnake. I’ve lost count how many times she’s reduced her ”best friend” Betty to tears.  

She also uses Archie to make Reggie Jealous, and vice-versa.   And if a third party comes along who’s even more handsome, she’ll take off with him  and leave Archie and Reggie hanging.   She’s just a pure cock-ease, with no interest in ever going steady with any of the boys.     

Not to mention the way she flaunts money in front of her friends.  What an asshole.  She’s stinking rich, yet insists that Archie pay for her dinner tab at the most expensive restaurants in town.   Archie can barely afford to keep his run-down jalopy car on the road, but instead of offering to help pay for a tune-up (or, God Forbid, chip in for gas money), all she does is bitch to him about it.    And how many times do you ever see her offer to treat everyone to ice cream at the Choklit Shoppe?  Zero.   

Daddy Lodge has millions, and that’s probably the only reason the whole town of Riverdale doesn’t ostracize her.   Still, for the love of me, I don’t know why Archie doesn’t tell that stuck-up bitch where to go, and date Betty instead.   Unless he’s a gold-digger, at which I have no pity for him, and he gets what he deserves.

8.  Mr. Dithers

Dithers is Dagwood’s proverbial boss from hell.   He not only constantly puts down poor Dagwood in front of other staff, but he also harasses Dagwood at home at all hours.  Even in last week’s paper, Dithers was looking for Dagwood on the weekend.  He actually BARGED INTO the Bumstead home, uninvited, and cornered Dagwood in the bathroom, who was hanging from the window, trying to hide.   WTF kind of psycho is Dithers? 

Not only that, but Dithers routinely kicks Dagwood’s ass.  Literally.  So there’s physical abuse, on top of the verbal and mental kind.   

Look, I can understand someone tolerating an abusive boss because they’re supporting a family and they need to keep their job.  But as soon as someone lays a single hand on you, sorry, all bets are off.   If any co-worker even tried to pull a stunt like that with me, boss or not, I wouldn’t be held responsible for my actions.

Dagwood.  Dude.    Get some cojones.  Stand up for yourself and smack the old geezer right back.  

And if you’re too henpecked to do that, then at least document all the times Dithers abused you, and get yourself a good lawyer.  Chances are, you have a strong case for harassment in the work place.  You might win a huge settlement, and wont’ have to ever work for that asshole again.

9. Pepe Le Pew

Pepe bugs me on two different levels.   First, the whole cartoon is based on the ONE JOKE.  A cat gets a stripe of white paint spilled on her back.  Pepe mistakes her for a skunk.  Then he spends the whole cartoon following her trying to get amorous.    

Okay.   Hah hah.   Cat is like a skunk.   The skunk wants her.  But she doesn’t want him.  Because he stinks.  He’s a skunk.    Hah hah.  Okay.  I get it.  Next joke, please.   (No, seriously.)  It’s not funny any more.  NEXT JOKE PLEASE….  

Second (and I’m not trying to be Politically Correct here ), but even the most knuckle-dragging Neanderthal can realize that what Pepe is doing is wrong.   It’s pure, blatant sexual harassment.    Pepe, when you give the cat a bear hug, and she kicks you in the face, it means she wants to be left alone.  The cat wants to be LEFT ALONE….LEAVE THE CAT ALONE, ASSHOLE!   

There’s actually one episode where the tables are turned, and the cat chases him, and he’s not too happy about it.    I wish they’d show more of this.    In the mean time, someone needs to file a restraining order against him.

I dont’ think this cartoon should be banned, though.  They should leave it on TV, as a lesson to the younger generation on how stupid people were in the 1950′s to find this one-line joke so funny.

10. The kids in General Mills Cereal commercials

I hated those kids with the Trix cereal, who would never give any to the Rabbit.   “Silly Rabbit…Trix are for kids”.    Yes, if those kids happen to be selfish greedy little bastards who have a whole box of cereal, and can’t spare one lousy bowl to the poor Rabbit.    I swear, there were times the poor Trix Rabbit was almost in tears, yet these little assholes would continue to eat in front of him and gloat about it.  

I wish a parent would come along and see what their precious little darlings were up to.  If I had a kid that pulled crap like this, I’d give him a Timeout until he finished 9th Grade, and he wouldn’t be seeing any Trix for a LONG LONG TIME.  In fact, I’d confiscate part of his allowance to buy some more cereal for the rabbit.

But if you think those kids are bad, what about the disrespectful little shits who keep tying to “Catch Lucky and his Lucky Charms”?  Excuse me, kids.  You don’t just go up to people and take their things.  Those Lucky Charms DON’T BELONG TO YOU.  They’re LUCKY’s.  For Chrissakes, STOP STALKING HIM and trying to steal his cereal.    

Did it ever occur to them to ASK HIM politely?   …Apparently not.   

These kids are lucky (pun intended) that Lucky is so good-natured.   He only uses his magic in a benign manner, such as making a hot-air balloon to escape from his tormentors.   What if he used his magic to lock the little beggars in a cage underground to teach them a lesson?    Or created a T-Rex to attack them, and send them to the hospital?   If I were those kids, I’d back off.  You don’t want to screw with a Leprechaun.