1. Thank-You Cards
Some people will insist on writing these notes for each and every occasion in life. For gifts received, for being invited to dinner. Or even if someone compliments them on their new hat.
And there’s a whole level of self-imposed stress involved: for going to the store, selecting exactly the right card, putting down the exact right thoughts and going back to the post office and sending it out on time.
Not to mention, there’s a bit of smugness that comes along with it.
”It’s the considerate thing to do.” you’ll hear the card-writers say.
Yes…but for WHO?
Because I think it’s safe to say that more than half the population (namely, all males, plus reluctant children) don’t give a flying-fox-fart about Thank-You cards.
I mean, it’s nice to get one, but if we don’t, we’re not going to get our knickers in a knot.
I didn’t cry, for example, when my buddy Brett didn’t send me a card for the X-mas gift I gave him.
*Sniff* (Damn you, Brett!)
Meh. If would make things so much easier, if we all just agreed to DROP the whole damned Thank-You card thing.
Just say “Thank You” once, in person, and be done with it.
2. Refusing to Acknowledge that White Plastic Thingy on the Toilet
Anyone who’s been married, has had a girlfriend, or has shared a bathroom with a sister, is familiar with this age-old complaint:
Namely, the man is supposed to keep the seat down, to accomodate the woman who has to sit, because they sometimes fall in.
So…howcum we guys sit down, at least once a day? …And we never fall in?
(Um…because we LOOK first?)
But that’s besides the point.
And if women want to be equals, wouldn’t it be just as valid for men to ask for the seat to be left up?
(Yes, I know that sounds logical.)
But believe me, guys…just let it go. Because we’ll NEVER win this argument!
3. Fashion Magazines
Feminists complain that magazines like Cosmo and Vogue are harmful. Because they portray unrealistic, idealized images of beauty that the average woman can’t obtain, leading to low self-esteem and even eating disorders.
Fair enough. There’s a good point to be made for all of this.
But…let’s ask ourselves: WHO perpetuates these fashions? WHO creates these myths? WHO creates a demand for all this literature?
I don’t think you can blame this one on men.
Because I don’t know too many guys who find rail-thin 90-lb. women with sunken eyes all that hot. Especially if these so-called “models” are wearing what looks like some stupid burlap sack wrapped around their jutting collar bones.
Ladies, if you dont’ like these stupid magazines, just STOP buying them. And the problem will go away.
4. Bringing Something Over
When guys get together at someone’s house, it’s to drink beer and watch TV. Somebody might bring over a bag of Zesty-Mordant Nachos.
If there’s an actual meal involved, it will invariably be a BBQ with BYOM (Bring your own meat). In which case, the host might provide paper plates and napkins.
When women get together, it’s a whole other story. Everyone is expected to BRING something.
And it can’t be something store-bought, either, from the local bakery. (No, that get you off too easy!)
No, it has to be something you made by hand, that took you hours, from the sweat of your own brow.
Date squares, for example, where the date tree was grown from seedlings, and the fruit harvested weeks ahead of time. Where the wheat was hand-milled to make the flour, and the sugar was extracted from canes imported from Cuba.
And everything was baked in a 17th-Century wood stove that was bought specially just for the occasion.
That way, you can be a martyr, and tell yourself: “It’s the considerate thing to do.”
Hmm. Maybe so. But I’ll just stick to my Zesty-Mordants, thank you.
5. Trying to be Equal to Men in Everything
Because face it…we guys do some really stupid things.
Like sports where the object is to hit the opponent in the head, until they receive enough brain trauma and lose conciousness.
Or racing high-speed vehicles down a drag-strip, that threaten to explode at any minute.
Or moutain-climbing to extreme altitudes, where your brain swells inside your skull, your body starts to die, and there’s a good chance you’ll lose some fingers and toes.
(Need I go on?)
Sure…there’s nothing saying a woman can’t do these same exact things.
But just because they can…doesn’t necessarly mean they should.
We have enough Darwin Awards, as it is.