Stupidest Reasons I’ve Been Told Why I Should Get a Girlfriend

If you don’t get a girlfriend soon, people will start thinking that you’re gay

Oh, then by all means, I’ll start a relationship for JUST that reason.  Because God Forbid should people start second-guessing my heterosexuality.   I better make sure I’m seen with a woman so that the rest of the world can relax! 

 You should ask so-and-so out….she’s single

When you’re in your 20’s, your friends tell you “You should ask so-and-so out, because she likes you and I think you guys would get along”. 

But when you’re in your 40’s…the consensus seems to be that you should ask someone out, based on the default that they’re available.  

Sorry, if I’m going to ask someone out, I need a better reason than this.

 You just bought a house…now it’s about time you settled down, got a woman and raised some kids

Gee, I never realized the Splat Creek City By-laws stipulated getting a house was an official prerequisite to a marriage licence.  Mabye I should have bought a house sooner then, eh? 

I don’t understand why so many people are stuck on the broken-record pattern of school-bachelorhood-house-marriage-kids.  Nobody is required to do anything in any specific order.  Not all of us are geared the same way.    

 Of course, you gotta have kids.  What do you think God put you here on earth for?

Talk about insensitive.  How do they know I (or anyone else they might say this to) might not even be able to have kids?  

And, um…what makes THEM the expert on what God intended for me?  

According the them,  I better find a wife and procreate right NOW.  Not because I want to, not because I’m ready to, but because the Big Man Upstairs is going to kick my butt if I don’t.   Sheesh!

 You should ask Claire Chaffington* out

(*not her real name)

There’s something about married women that they don’t like to see other men remain single.  ( I suspect it’s because they’re afraid we might corrupt their hen-pecked husbands).   You can really sense their unspoken attitude:  single people cannot possibly be happy.  Therefore, it’s their duty to make sure we become assimilated by the Borg.

Come, Friar.  Come join the Collective.   Be like us….

A few years ago, when I started a new job, two married women started dropping hints that I should ask out Claire Chaffington. 

She’s single, she has a house, she likes the outdoors, etc.   You should ask her out, Friar.

I just politely nodded my head, and said I’ll think about it, and tactfully brushed them off. 

You see, Claire Chaffington looks like a dude.  (Plus she has all of the fire-ball personality of a damp dishrag.)  

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not totally shallow that I need a perfect-ten barbie-doll girfriend.  But can I at least rate a TWO? 

C’mon!  There has to be at least SOME kind of chemistry.  I don’t want to feel like I”m dating my brother.

What’s funny about this story is that almost two years later, in a totally different building, another admin. assistant who I never met tried to pull the same stunt.  I had only stopped by the office to drop off some papers, but within 10 minutes, she learned I was single and she suggested I might like to meet one of her friends. 

This woman is single, she has a house, she likes the outdoors, etc.   Would you like her phone number?

Uh, oh.  This sounds too good to be true.  What’s the catch?   But I was polite and said sure, give me her number.

When I read the name on the slip of paper, I saw in big letters:  CLAIRE CHAFFINGTON!

Oh for CRYING OUT LOUD?!!  What is this..a CONSPIRACY?   Does this Claire person recruit armies of married women around town so that they can try to hook her up? 

Welcome to single life in a small town. 

(Hmm….being a bachelor ain’t so bad, when you think about it.)

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34 Comments on “Stupidest Reasons I’ve Been Told Why I Should Get a Girlfriend”

  1. Are we going to come back in ten years and find that you and Claire have settled down and are raising little Friars?

  2. Ms. S Says:

    Hahaha I have laughed so badly… if you were a woman you’d be hearing all these for much longer than you have. How long have you heard it for?

    Anyways, it was great reading you.

  3. Friar Says:

    So far I’ve resisted the urge to join the Dark Side. But The Force in the town is strong….I can only resist for so long.

    I hope none of you will ever have to read a post where I announce my engagement to “Claire”.

    @Ms. S
    Yeah, I guess it’s more annoying for women (because there is the whole biological clock and when-are-you-going-to-have-kids theme?).

    I’ve been hearing these comments for the past 10-12 years (since my early 30’s). (Except when I was dating..then it was “when are you guys gonna get married?”)

  4. steph Says:

    “I don’t understand why so many people are stuck on the broken-record pattern of school-bachelorhood-house-marriage-kids. Nobody is required to do anything in any specific order. Not all of us are geared the same way.”

    HEAR, HEAR!! I am the only woman I know in my circle of friends who does not want kids. Even the friend who regularly breathed, “Up yours, children!” and vowed she’d never have kids got knocked up, posted pics of her belly, and is now hopelessly lost in baby talk. I’m considered completely abnormal. If I don’t have kids, I’m selfish and career-driven (neither of which is remotely true). I couldn’t possibly be as happy, complete, or knowledgeable, and I’ve never been as tired, stressed, or overworked. Plus, I couldn’t possibly begin to understand anything. It’s teeth-grittingly irritating! I’m actually convinced it’s small-town mentality.

  5. Friar Says:


    How REFRESHING to hear someone else who’s not interested in having kids. I thought I was the only one. 🙂

    You’re right. There is quite a bit of smugness out there among the Oprah-Moms who try to convince you that you’re a lesser-human being, just because you haven’t bred.

    Note to parents out there: It IS possible to have a fulfilling life without being a Mom or Dad.

    One of my friends once told me “Once you get married, get your house…the next logical step is to have kids. Otherwise…what’s the POINT of it all?

    They said this to my face. Really nice, eh? I guess my life is pointless and usless, then.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go jump off the bridge and end it all. 😉

  6. Brett Legree Says:

    I was over at Claire’s house last night setting up her wireless router… 🙂

    People are bound to have opinions BUT should often keep them to themselves. I mean, sure, the point of the human race is to make more humans. But not everyone is going to do that, or wants to do it.

    Fortunately, some of us (like me) are nuts and have four kids, so if you don’t have any, who cares? And there are other ways to contribute besides repopulating the planet…

  7. Friar Says:


    That’s what I figure. I’ll be Uncle Friar and amuse the kids long enough to keep their parents from killing them.

    There…in my small way, that’s what I’ll contribute the the Human Race.

  8. Kelly Says:


    Try this true story on for size.

    This chick had been in a bad marriage on a level you do NOT want to hear about for nigh on ten years. Several years ago she fled the state, literally while the police held her husband.

    A week later she’s doing the laundry at her parents’ house in a complete daze, and her sister sidles up to her for a heart-to-heart. Keep in mind there are no secrets as to why she’s there. “My friend who was playing pool at our house last night, he’s wondering if you’re free on Friday,” she says. The chick thinks, vaguely, friend? pool? was I at your house last night? I guess so…

    “I told him of course she’s free, she’s got nothing at all to do! She hasn’t had anything to do for years! It’s time to get back on the horse.”

    Back on the horse? The chick may never be interested in riding again. You can’t make stuff like that up. Some people are buttinskys, and some are insensitive, and some are idiots. Some are all three at once.

    Maybe you change and evolve in that way, maybe you don’t. Maybe your clock ticks, maybe it doesn’t. Who knows? Never get on the horse when a jackass recommends it.

    I’m a romantic and a naturalist. I do think you’ll ride eventually. If you don’t, so what? Like Brett said. He had yours for you, so you can retire to Tahiti for him.

    What are friends for?



  9. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Ha! I got a friend in Vermont I could hook you up with. She’s cute has a dog and is a librarian. I like her a lot and don’t offer up my friends to just anyone. Of course, I’m in that married collective you speak of and act as a match-maker. What can I say?

    No, you don’t need to be with someone. It won’t necessarily make you happy. And it does lesson your freedom.

    Hell, you don’t even need sex. Just some watercolors, eh?

    @Kelly- Good points. I have been through that! This is why it is good to be single. Especially to get your head together.

    I will say this: there is no perfect person and you will find someone who either: a. helps you to grow (goes both ways) b. drags you down in an unhealthy way.

    I suppose there are variations on this theme but this is how my life has been anyway.

    I constantly want to be with other people or be totally alone. I suppose this is my karma for this life. I don’t get it and it’s confusing. But life is like that. I guess?

  10. steph Says:

    Virginia Woolf said: “The world might perhaps be considerably poorer if the great writers had exchanged their books for children of flesh and blood.” 🙂

  11. Brett Legree Says:

    Uncle Friar is a better uncle to my kids than their *real* uncle. No kids required. Or spouse, for that matter.

  12. Ellen Wilson Says:

    @Steph – That makes total sense, as sad as it is. You need a lot of time to concentrate on writing. And your novels are your babies. But Virginia Woolf went through a real hard time. But was a great writer. I like her stuff (most of it) better than Joyce’s.

    @Brett – That’s why they say it’s a good thing we can choose our friends – but not our families. We can find good nurturing that way. I’ve found it to be true anyway.

  13. Kelly Says:


    That’s a great quotation. So true! The literary world is littered (too much litter there) with childless writers. Then again, the literary world is also full of drinkers and other reprobates, so maybe their lifestyle choices aren’t something to aspire to.

    Dear Friar,

    Can you please make the typeface we’re using here a bit larger? My tired old eyes love your work, but the reading is a bit difficult. Pretty please? Should I call Claire and have her ask you real nicely?

    Poor “Claire.” Does she know all these troublemakers think she has a problem? It’s not just you getting pushed around, you know. I have friends who try to pimp me out all the time. Like, even when I don’t ask. Maybe she hates it as much as you do.

    Until later,


  14. Friar Says:

    Makes sense to me. It’s probably very hard to write great literature when you’re changing poopy diapers. Not everyone can be a great writer and a super Mom at the same time.

    Wow….! I can’t believe that story! Especially the sister suggesting one of her friends is available….? Right in the middle of all that crisis? Un-freaking believable!

    But then again, the day of my Dad’s funeral (he wasn’t even buried yet) someone came up to my Mom and suggested that she’s still young and attractive, she shouldn’t have trouble finding someone else.

    (Shaking my head). Some people don’t get it. They just dont’ get it. Whatever.

    PS. I’ll try to see if I can make this font bigger. (I dunno if I can…I’m not sure how much control WordPress will give me…I’ll see what I can do)

    Hmm…when you say your friend is “cute as a dog”, that’s a loaded statement if I ever heard one! That can be interpreted a myriad ways! (Just so long as she’s not “Bull Mastiff cute”).

    As for sex, watercolors are certainly no substitute. But mabye the two are related (Did you see the Seinfeld episode where George gives up sex? …and he directs all his frustration and pent-up energy, and becomes really smart and creative!)

    Your kids are pretty cool. I’m glad I’m an honorary “Uncle”.

  15. Kelly Says:


    Yeah. Her sister is a doofus sometimes. I heard the dude was pretty cute, though, but man was the timing three years off.

    That’s awful. Sorry about your Dad… and oh, your poor mother, to hear that on that day. Eww. People are just stupid sometimes!


    We’re going to have to work on your marketing vocab. I’m totally, TOTALLY single, and if you described a guy to me as “cute has a dog and a librarian,” well, let’s just say, I am running away.

    Friar, Ellen must think thou dost protest too much.

    Friar, I have been calling you Friar for too long. I’m actually used to it as if it’s your name.



  16. Friar Says:


    Don’t worry. I’ve been called Friar so often (even by people who do know my real name), I’ve gotten used to it.

    In other groups of friends, I’m also known as “Mobeel” and “Bud”.

    I seem to be the type of guy that attracts nick-names.

  17. Kelly Says:

    Well, I’m not worried, since you haven’t volunteered an alternate, just finding it peculiar getting used to it. At first “Friar” had quotation marks around it in my head. Or “the” in front of it. As in “Brett, your friend the Friar sure might get the older readers riled up on my blog.”

    No more “the” now. “Brett, I have to go give Friar a hard time now, but hopefully he knows I appreciate his off-kilter sense of humor.”

    See? Like that.


  18. I don’t want kids either and what a liberation to see like minded others who don’t want to spend the rest of their young and active days changing nappies, whipping baby poo and hearing that wailing scream of kids all day long.

    Ok, maybe it isn’t that bad, but could somebody tell me why I should give up my financial freedom, my lifestyle and my peace only so to have kids and then work my butt off to pay the bills, feed them, never to have sanity again until I’m 60.

    These days I fear going out ans seeing people I haven’t for some time because they all ask the same damn question….”so, when are you going to have babies?”

    Grrrrrrrrrrr…….leave me alone.

    Like you said Friar, there is happiness without kids and when I see old people being alone and lonely with their family living close by I wonder what the point is to raise a child these days.

  19. Friar Says:


    Yeah, it boggles my mind how narrow-minded some parents that they cant’ comprehend that not everyone wants kids.

    I knew lots of women..interesting, intelligent, they had hobbies, interests…and suddenly they became a “MOM” . Then that’s all they talked kids kids. It’s like the MOM swallowed up their whole personality and they no longer were their own person. Kind of a shame.

    What really gets me is people lecturing me that I must accept the fact that if I meet someone, they’ll have kids of their own and I’ll have to be a Daddy, but it’s not so bad, Friar. Really.

    I’ve seen friends deal with psycho exes, or the kids not accepting the new step-mom or step-dad, not to mention people blowing their live savings on court battles for custody. Just the have the step-kids move out a few years later.

    Ummm…yeah. So I want to get involved in that…WHY?

    That’s why I’m not in a major rush. If it happens, it happens, but I like my Freedom and independence right now.

    If I want a dependent, I’ll try a golden retriever first! 🙂

  20. Ms. S Says:

    You know, I think the only scary part as a woman is when people tell you so much about it that you actually start thinking about it. Something like… they truly make you feel like you are not living a complete shuman experience due singleness and lak of children. But come on… I think making children is an easy task. Having them at the right time, with the right person and when you truly want… that is the tricky part.

    I guess people started to bother me with all this when I finished college and as the 30 are coming closer and closer it is more and more repetitive. I think I will soon go mad and kill someone… I guess you know what I mean. Specially moms my my my…

  21. Ellen Wilson Says:

    @Friar & @Kelly – Haaa! I forgot the comma! Cute, has a dog, etc.

    Everything everyone has said here is very true. I don’t understand the dynamic of us “together” people wanting everyone to hook up like us. So everyone is like us? Interesting dynamic going on. Only so much I can do analyzing myself. Someone else will have to shrink me!

  22. Friar Says:

    @Ms. S.

    You’re exactly right. Any idiot can make a kid. It takes great talent and responsibitily to raise one properly.

    I’d rather take my time and wait for the right person…I’ve learned to be my own best friend. It’s not the end of the world being single or childless. Actually, I’m pretty happy with where my life is right now.

    As you get into your 30’s, more and more friends become “parents” and talk about kids kids kids. The consolation is that you get immune to it.

    Hahahah! Punctuation…that’s the key! Isnt’ it? Why else would a women be “cute as a dog?”

    I’m surprised at how much discussion this little post has generated. I seem to have touched upon a relevant topic.

    I just hope people dont’ take me too seriously! 🙂

  23. Kelly Says:


    “I just hope people dont’ take me too seriously!”

    Well, you can be sure no one’s gonna ask you out on a date after reading this, you’ve been taken that seriously. Just put a pointer to it in a letter to the editor. 🙂

    Ellen, OMG is that funny. Commas are good… The “h” would have been helpful too. I’ve done that a million times in quick comments. I see it as soon as I hit “submit,” and I shout “Wait! Come back!”

    “Cute as a dog” will stick with me for some time. So will “Claire.”



  24. fmaggi Says:

    Sheer Brilliance. I’m 40-something and I’ve yet to have a conversation with my mother that didn’t include one or all of the above. Someday, maybe she’ll get used to it. I certainly have.

  25. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Well, we are all biological, social organisms either looking to a. eat, b. get laid or c. sleep. Usually in that order. This is serious business. It’s all we have, and we must attend to it.

    Seriously, though (uh, oh! haaaa!) what you said about a lot of women becoming mothers and getting consumed with being a mother (a wife – I hate that word, husband too, but they are identifying labels) really hits a nerve. I never wanted to be like that, and what everyone said above is true. You only have so much time and energy and kids do take up A LOT of time. If you want to do raise them properly, like you said.

    But it seems sad that society expects women to be defined by their kids, or families. It seems society puts a big burden on women that way. We are expected to raise the kids and bring home a paycheck. I hope things are getting more equal in men taking an active hand raising the kids, too. I know this wasn’t usually the norm with our parents.

    Good Post, Friar. Serious, silly, and thought provoking.

  26. Friar Says:

    When we were kids and my Mom was full-time home-maker, she made a point of going out one evening a week, and do something for herself. Painting, art class, reading groups, etc. She said she needed that to keep her sanity. That’s all it took. Just a few hours a week. (At least, it worked for her).

    Mabye I should keep writing posts like this…it will ensure I remain single, and I can retain my position as local president of the “He-Man Woman Hater’s Club” 🙂 (Alfalfa would be proud).

    I’m also 40 something,.,..I think my Mom has given up on me (another sibling has already given her grandkids). So at least it’s taken some of the heat off.

  27. Brett Legree Says:


    Just like Maslow. Air, water, food, shelter, sex. Then the other stuff.

    (That’s why I’ve never understood the folks who turn down sex for work… 🙂 seriously those polls that say a certain percentage of people would rather BlackBerry than have sex, hey, maybe it’s a *good* thing those kinds of people are not adding to the gene pool…)

    We are definitely *not* to be defined by our kids. I love my kids, and I know you do too, but there’s more to us than our kids. Someday, our children will leave home and start lives of their own. I will miss them when they do, but I’ll still be me, with my hopes, dreams, and so forth.

    It is therefore important to remain “you”. We have friends here in Splat Creek who look down on us because we don’t do “everything” for our kids. Because we are not at hockey 6 days a week. Because we have “date night” on a regular basis.

    They thought we were bad parents for leaving our kids with my parents for 2 weeks last year to go to New Zealand. They actually told us that.

    Somehow, this generation is *expected* to play with our kids 24/7. That is not sustainable.

  28. Friar Says:


    I think you and Cathy get it. You love your kids, but you still take time for yourselves. I think more couples should do this.

    My parents used to take one week a year off, just the two of them to go skiiing. We got to stay at home with the grandparents. We were’nt traumatized, in fact, we also thought this was a great “vacation” for us. Our parents came back well-rested, and they got their sanity back…it was a good “Control Alt Delete” for everyone.

    Seemed to have worked out well. They stayed married till the day my Dad died, and all of us kids seem to have grown up quasi-normal. (At least, we’re not all axe-murderers)

  29. @ Brett: you hit on a great and important point there. You do take time for your kids but also for yourself.
    But how many families tip the scales in either direction and totally forget about the other.
    I swear to god that most Aussies (especially if they live rural) have nothing else in mind than to breed like the rabbits. That would be all good and happy, if they would actually look after themselves and their kids. But they don’t. They are pigs. Sorry to say. They go to the shops and sneeze into the salad at Woolworth, they cough into your face, they smoke next to your dinner table at the local restaurant, even though there is a law that states no smoking.

    Their kids grow up as sleazy little brats, with no respect, no outlook and certainly not enough love from their parents. It sucks big time and it gets my blood boiling.
    But then, the stupid government gives them $4,000 each per kid so on they go and breed some more.

    Eventually they have 4 kids and more. daddy works in the mines to support the family and only ever gets home every three weeks. Mom has to take a full time job too because the bills are too high to feed all the modern addiction of video games, food, label clothes, toys, etc.

    Ah yeah, and did I mention childcare. The irony here is that most families have to work their asses off to pay for their kids meals, school and everything else they need.

    My question is: what is the whole point of this life.? Working your ass off for what? No quality time. No time off. Too many debts. And the list goes on….

    An average Aussie’s income hovers around $500/week. John and I went shopping today. We bought a bit of vegies, fruit, some meat,bread, milk, muesli and the cost was close to $200. Now, this will last about 1 week. So why in gods world would I want kids so that we both work even more to pay for them as well.

    It is impossible unless we go into major debt.

  30. Friar Says:


    Hahahah! My ex-Ozzie girlfriend had the same complaints as you. She called these people “Breeding Couples”. 🙂

    It’s funny, how often the people least equipped to have a large brood of kids are the ones who breed the most. Meanwhile, the rich yuppies with all the money who can hire nannies and cleaning ladies chose to only have 1 or 2 kids.

    You need a permit to renovate your house, to drive a car, or use a firearm, or own a pet. Everything in life is stricted regulated.

    But when it comes to the most important responsibility a person can have (raising another human being)..ANYONE can do it…No permits or training required. And you can have as many as you want…and damn the consequences.

    I’m not saying we should regulate and licence parenthood. Just that I wish there was more accountability…..

  31. I have found my people! Woo hoo!

    I am so sick of getting the pity look from married people and everyone assuming because I’m about to turn 35 I must be in a HUGE rush to tie the knot and get knocked up. Um, no and no. And no matter how many times I explain that right now I’m focused on my career and I may NEVER want kids, people just shake their heads and I’m pretty sure they think either I’m lying or something is seriously wrong with me. I’m just so glad to see others who feel the same way, like Steph and Monika. Like I said, I have found my people. Yay!

    ::::: doing happy dance :::::

  32. Friar Says:



    Welcome to the club! 🙂

    I’m so sick of how people automatically assume I want a girlfirend right now (or they assume I should be delighted playing “Instant Dad” with another single Mom).

    It’s so nice to year other people besides me may not necessarily want to have kids either (especially coming from other women..that’s pretty rare).

    Hey, at least we know what we want, and we’re not pumping out unwanted rug-rats because we feel we “have to” . We should be commended for that..not pitied or scolded.

  33. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar & Monika,

    Yes, we’ve always thought balance is important. Otherwise, you can’t be good at anything, including parenting. And of course, it’s not just Oz where you have the “breeding parents”, you have it here too.

    And while it might surprise you to hear me say this (as someone with 4 kids), it is all too easy to have them without responsibility. Yet, just look when someone wants to *adopt*.

    Whoa, then the government gets involved. I don’t get that. It’s okay for anyone who is capable to just have kids, no matter if they can support the kids or not – but suppose a responsible couple with good finances wants to adopt because they can’t have children.

    The hoops they have to jump through are phenomenal. It’s not fair.

  34. Friar Says:


    Yeah, it amazes me. You can be a 15 year old crack addict, and you can have as many kids as you like.

    But if you’re a couple of responsible adults with a good home and stable employment, and you want to adopt, you’re basically S.O.L.

    I know people who have been in the system for three years, and they’re still waiting to adopt a baby girl from China. The kid they’re supposedly adopting hasnt’ even been conceived yet!.

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