Stupidest Reasons I’ve Been Told Why I Should Get a Girlfriend
If you don’t get a girlfriend soon, people will start thinking that you’re gay
Oh, then by all means, I’ll start a relationship for JUST that reason. Because God Forbid should people start second-guessing my heterosexuality. I better make sure I’m seen with a woman so that the rest of the world can relax!
You should ask so-and-so out….she’s single
When you’re in your 20’s, your friends tell you “You should ask so-and-so out, because she likes you and I think you guys would get along”.
But when you’re in your 40’s…the consensus seems to be that you should ask someone out, based on the default that they’re available.
Sorry, if I’m going to ask someone out, I need a better reason than this.
You just bought a house…now it’s about time you settled down, got a woman and raised some kids
Gee, I never realized the Splat Creek City By-laws stipulated getting a house was an official prerequisite to a marriage licence. Mabye I should have bought a house sooner then, eh?
I don’t understand why so many people are stuck on the broken-record pattern of school-bachelorhood-house-marriage-kids. Nobody is required to do anything in any specific order. Not all of us are geared the same way.
Of course, you gotta have kids. What do you think God put you here on earth for?
Talk about insensitive. How do they know I (or anyone else they might say this to) might not even be able to have kids?
And, um…what makes THEM the expert on what God intended for me?
According the them, I better find a wife and procreate right NOW. Not because I want to, not because I’m ready to, but because the Big Man Upstairs is going to kick my butt if I don’t. Sheesh!
You should ask Claire Chaffington* out
(*not her real name)
There’s something about married women that they don’t like to see other men remain single. ( I suspect it’s because they’re afraid we might corrupt their hen-pecked husbands). You can really sense their unspoken attitude: single people cannot possibly be happy. Therefore, it’s their duty to make sure we become assimilated by the Borg.
Come, Friar. Come join the Collective. Be like us….
A few years ago, when I started a new job, two married women started dropping hints that I should ask out Claire Chaffington.
She’s single, she has a house, she likes the outdoors, etc. You should ask her out, Friar.
I just politely nodded my head, and said I’ll think about it, and tactfully brushed them off.
You see, Claire Chaffington looks like a dude. (Plus she has all of the fire-ball personality of a damp dishrag.)
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not totally shallow that I need a perfect-ten barbie-doll girfriend. But can I at least rate a TWO?
C’mon! There has to be at least SOME kind of chemistry. I don’t want to feel like I”m dating my brother.
What’s funny about this story is that almost two years later, in a totally different building, another admin. assistant who I never met tried to pull the same stunt. I had only stopped by the office to drop off some papers, but within 10 minutes, she learned I was single and she suggested I might like to meet one of her friends.
This woman is single, she has a house, she likes the outdoors, etc. Would you like her phone number?
Uh, oh. This sounds too good to be true. What’s the catch? But I was polite and said sure, give me her number.
When I read the name on the slip of paper, I saw in big letters: CLAIRE CHAFFINGTON!
Oh for CRYING OUT LOUD?!! What is this..a CONSPIRACY? Does this Claire person recruit armies of married women around town so that they can try to hook her up?
Welcome to single life in a small town.
(Hmm….being a bachelor ain’t so bad, when you think about it.)