Friar’s Top Ten Assholes of the Animal Kingdom (*)
(*) Excluding humans
Years ago, when snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef, I felt a few small taps on my leg. I turned around to see this little 4-inch fish nipping at me. It didn’t hurt, but it was downright annoying.
And he kept coming at me, the little bastard.
I had just finished swimming with Moray eels, sharks, barracudas and giant stingrays. All these big predator fish didn’t seem to have a problem with me. Yet here was this nippy little runt having a hissy-fit whenever I entered his 5-foot tidal pool.
I just wanted to swat the little bugger, but he conveniently kept out of range. Only to bite me on my butt as soon as my back was turned.
Most obnoxious. Fish. Ever.
As much as I like wildlife, I detest it when these squawk-boxes decide to scream outside my window at 5:30 AM.
CAWWW! CAWWW! CAWWW!
Years ago, a couple of really obnoxious crows terrorized my parent’s neighborhood and wouldn’t leave. They drove everyone nuts, and people weren’t getting any sleep.
I have memories of my Mom screaming at frustration at one of these birds, who perched on top of a streetlight, looking down at her, making cheeky squawking noises. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he was laughing at her.
Then one day the crows were gone. One was found in the pool next door, the exact cause of death unknown.
Although no one admitted it, I suspect a sleep-deprived neighbor with a pellet gun might have had something to do with it.
Look, I don’t’ condone animal cruelty. I’d never shoot a critter like that in a million years. But (to be perfectly honest)…just this once…I was not totally devastated that someone else did.
If there is anything more obnoxious on the planet than being told off by a small squeaking rodent, please tell me.
The grey squirrels, I have no problems with. They’re harmless…they keep to themselves and the only noise they make is when they mate. That’s when they perch on top of a telephone pole and go “F**CK MEEEEEE! ….F**CK MEEEEEE!”
But the little red squirrels. Don’t even get me started. They chew and destroy outdoor furniture, garden sheds and backyard decks. They try to make nests inside your house and ruin the electrical wiring. Plus they’re bullies….they push the nice grey squirrels out of the neighborhood.
And if you happen annoy the little red varmints (which is almost ALWAYS) they go into perpetual shit-fit mode. Be prepared to be scolded for the next two hours:
(Oh, get OVER IT and shut UP already!)
This is when I wish dogs could climb trees.
Cats are assholes.
There, I’ve said it.
Don’t get me wrong. I love animals, including cats. My friends’ kitties are always coming to me (probably because they know I’m allergic). And despite asthma attacks, I’m always a sucker and I pet them.
But c’mon, lets be honest here. Compared to dogs, cats do have latent asshole tendencies. That’s probably why we love them so much.
For example, look at how a they’ll tease and torment a half-dead baby bird. There’s something inherently evil about that.
What also bugs me is how they’ll suddenly turn on you. You could be sitting on the couch, petting Kitty who’s on your lap, purring contentedly. It’s a calm Zen-like moment and you’re both bonding.
But suddenly, without warning, Kitty goes psycho and digs her claws into you and bites. She’s pissed off now, tail a-twitching, and you’re not allowed to touch her. But she won’t get up and leave, either. No matter what you do, you’re gonna get scratched.
Look..DUMB-ASS!…Who’s putting a gun to your head and making you stay? If you don’t like it…LEAVE!
Cat people will always apologize this malevolent behavior. They’ll tell you “Well, when cats get over-stimulated, this is what they do. This is how cats act…”
My point exactly!
They act like assholes!
5. Canada Geese
Yes, I realize these birds are one of our beloved icons up here in the Great White North. But (as my friend Ellen refers to them), Canada Geese are also nasty little hissy bitches.
I spent two entire summers feeding Wonder Bread to dozens of geese that hung around my front yard. I got to know them intimately, and believe me, these critters are NOT nice. The adults bully small goslings, they attack each other, and hiss at you in aggression while you feed them.
There is no mistaking their nasty body language. We’re lucky they only have feathers and beaks…if they had teeth and claws, they’d be trying to kill us.
6. Snapping Turtles
Two words. Mean and nasty. These are the grumpy old men of the Animal Kingdom (except they’re grumpy old men that can take your finger off).
They do eat baby geese, though.
(Before I get scolded for saying that last part, hey, don’t blame me!…blame Mother Nature!)
You haven’t experienced true misery until you’ve been up in the Arctic in high summer. The bugs are so voracious up there, they bite through your socks and track pants, and you have to wear surgical gloves on your hands.
There are so many you inhale them when you talk, and if you go outside unprotected, you’ll run screaming back into your cabin or your car.
In the summer time, nobody wants to go outside in the land of the midnight sun. You’ll notice that everyone is indoors, in the tents or cabins, hiding from the buzzing hordes of the sting-bastards.
I know mosquitoes are vital to the ecosystem and fish and birds feed on them. But why do they have make our life so miserable!? Can’t they just bite us without the sting?
Thanks again, Mother Nature.
8. Killer Whales
I always thought these were gentle giants, until I saw a nature show where two wild Orcas were terrorizing a half-mangled seal pup who was still alive. It’s one thing for animals to hunt and kill to survive. But these two whales were torturing the poor seal, tossing it between themselves like a basketball. Playing with their food, so to speak.
I’m sorry, that is just pure, unadulterated ASSHOLE behaviour.
(Can you Imagine the conniption fit Greenpeace would have if humans were caught doing that!?)
Frankly, I expected better from our fellow sea-mammal friends.
Shamu, I am very, VERY disappointed in you.
If left to their own devices, these graceful marine birds would keep to themselves and would survive by hunting fish, as nature intended. But as soon as they catch on that we humans are around, they turn into Shit-Hawks.
They’ll flock around us in droves and fight over any scraps of food we might throw out. These flying Garborators only live for one thing…to cram as much food down their gullet as they can.
They tolerate us because we’re their meal ticket. But they hate everything else (including themselves). Their body posture eloquently displays their bad temperament …head hunched down, back arched…flipping their beak up, squawking and chasing away competitors.
For every 100 garbage calories they eat, they’ll expend 90 calories screaming at each other. I’ve even seen them intimidate Canada Geese.
Seagulls. Ugh. I put them in the same category as carp, pigeons and rats.
Awww…chimps, you say? …not those adorable little monkeys on TV!?
Yes, chimps. They’re assholes.
The ones on TV are cute and docile, because they’re BABY chimps. A full-grown chimp is a whole other story. Picture something with the patience and social skills of a two-year old, but weighing 180 pounds, with sharp canine teeth who can rip your arm off in a second.
If you don’t’ believe me, look at one of Jane Goodall’s documentaries (or check out Escape to Chimp Eden on Animal Planet). Then you’ll get to see what these critters are really like.
Chimps bully each other, form little cliques and pick on the weak. They constantly have temper tantrums, scream and fight…and worse. (It ain’t pretty!). It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing our dark side.
I think Charleton Heston had it right, when he said “Get your hands off me, you damned dirty ape”.
The chimps’ only their saving grace is they haven’t’ figured out how to make complex weapons yet. (Give them a few more million years, though, and see what they come up with.)
Next time one Bobo asks for a banana pellet, though, maybe you better give it to him…!