Friar’s Top Ten Assholes of the Animal Kingdom (*)

(*) Excluding humans

 

 

1.Trigger-fish

Years ago, when snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef, I felt a few small taps on my leg.  I turned around to see this little 4-inch fish nipping at me.  It didn’t hurt, but it was downright annoying. 

And he kept coming at me, the little bastard.

I had just finished swimming with Moray eels, sharks, barracudas and giant stingrays.  All these big predator fish didn’t seem to have a problem with me.   Yet here was this nippy little runt having a hissy-fit whenever I entered his 5-foot tidal pool.     

I just wanted to swat the little bugger, but he conveniently kept out of range.   Only to bite me on my butt as soon as my back was turned.

Most obnoxious.   Fish.    Ever.    

 

2.  Crows

As much as I like wildlife,  I detest it when these squawk-boxes decide to scream outside my window at 5:30 AM.   

CAWWW!  CAWWW!  CAWWW! 

Years ago, a couple of really obnoxious crows terrorized my parent’s neighborhood and wouldn’t leave.   They drove everyone nuts, and people weren’t getting any sleep. 

I have memories of my Mom screaming at frustration at one of these birds, who perched on top of a streetlight, looking down at her, making cheeky squawking noises.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he was laughing at her.  

…Asshole!

Then one day the crows were gone.   One was found in the pool next door, the exact cause of death unknown.

Although no one admitted it, I suspect a sleep-deprived neighbor with a pellet gun might have had something to do with it.

Look, I don’t’ condone animal cruelty.   I’d never shoot a critter like that in a million years.   But (to be perfectly honest)…just this once…I was not totally devastated that someone else did. 

 

3. Squirrels.

If there is anything more obnoxious on the planet than being told off by a small squeaking rodent, please tell me.   

The grey squirrels, I have no problems with.  They’re harmless…they keep to themselves and the only noise they make is when they mate.  That’s when they perch on top of a telephone pole and go  “F**CK MEEEEEE!   ….F**CK MEEEEEE!”

But the little red squirrels.  Don’t even get me started.  They chew and destroy outdoor furniture, garden sheds and backyard decks.  They try to make nests inside your house and ruin the electrical wiring.  Plus they’re bullies….they push the nice grey squirrels out of the neighborhood.

And if you happen annoy the little red varmints (which is almost ALWAYS) they go into perpetual shit-fit mode.  Be prepared to be scolded for the next two hours:

“Ttttttttttt….ttttt…tttttttttttt…tttttttttt…ttttttttttttt…ttttttttttttttttt…ttttt”.

(Oh, get OVER IT and shut UP already!)

This is when I wish dogs could climb trees.

 

4.  Cats. 

Cats are assholes. 

There, I’ve said it. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I love animals, including cats.  My friends’ kitties are always coming to me (probably because they know I’m allergic).  And despite asthma attacks, I’m always a sucker and I pet them.  

But c’mon, lets be honest here.  Compared to dogs, cats do have latent asshole tendencies.  That’s probably why we love them so much.  

For example, look at how a they’ll tease and torment a half-dead baby bird.  There’s something inherently evil about that.

What also bugs me is how they’ll suddenly turn on you.   You could be sitting on the couch, petting Kitty who’s on your lap, purring contentedly.  It’s a calm Zen-like moment and you’re both bonding. 

But suddenly, without warning, Kitty goes psycho and digs her claws into you and bites.  She’s pissed off now, tail a-twitching,  and you’re not allowed to touch her.  But she won’t get up and leave, either.    No matter what you do, you’re gonna get scratched.

Look..DUMB-ASS!…Who’s putting a gun to your head and making you stay?  If you don’t like it…LEAVE! 

Cat people will always apologize this malevolent behavior.  They’ll tell you  “Well, when cats get over-stimulated, this is what they do.  This is how cats act…”

My point exactly!

They act like assholes!     

 

 5.  Canada Geese

Yes, I realize these birds are one of our beloved icons up here in the Great White North.     But  (as my friend Ellen refers to them), Canada Geese are also nasty little hissy bitches. 

I spent two entire summers feeding Wonder Bread to dozens of geese that hung around my front yard.   I got to know them intimately, and believe me,  these critters are NOT nice.   The adults bully small goslings, they attack each other, and hiss at you in aggression while you feed them.  

There is no mistaking their nasty body language.   We’re lucky they only have feathers and beaks…if they had teeth and claws, they’d be trying to kill us.   

 

6.  Snapping Turtles

Two words.  Mean and nasty.   These are the grumpy old men of the Animal Kingdom (except they’re grumpy old men that can take your finger off).

They do eat baby geese, though.  

(Before I get scolded for saying that last part, hey, don’t blame me!…blame Mother Nature!)

 

 7.  Mosquitoes

You haven’t experienced true misery until you’ve been up in the Arctic in high summer.   The bugs are so voracious up there, they bite through your socks and track pants, and you have to wear surgical gloves on your hands.  

There are so many you inhale them when you talk, and if you go outside unprotected, you’ll run screaming back into your cabin or your car.     

In the summer time, nobody wants to go outside in the land of the midnight sun.   You’ll notice that everyone is indoors, in the tents or cabins, hiding from the buzzing hordes of the sting-bastards.

I know mosquitoes are vital to the ecosystem and fish and birds feed on them.    But why do they have make our life so miserable!?    Can’t they just bite us without the sting?  

Thanks again, Mother Nature.

 

8.  Killer Whales

I always thought these were gentle giants, until I saw a nature show where two wild Orcas were terrorizing a half-mangled seal pup who was still alive.  It’s one thing for animals to hunt and kill to survive.  But these two whales were torturing the poor seal, tossing it between themselves like a basketball.  Playing with their food, so to speak.

I’m sorry, that is just pure, unadulterated ASSHOLE behaviour.   

(Can you Imagine the conniption fit Greenpeace would have if humans were caught doing that!?)  

Frankly, I expected better from our fellow sea-mammal friends. 

Shamu, I am very, VERY disappointed in you. 

 

9. Seagulls 

If left to their own devices, these graceful marine birds would keep to themselves and would survive by hunting fish, as nature intended.   But as soon as they catch on that we humans are around, they turn into Shit-Hawks.

They’ll flock around us in droves and fight over any scraps of food we might throw out.   These flying Garborators only live for one thing…to cram as much food down their gullet as they can. 

They tolerate us because we’re their meal ticket.  But they hate everything else (including themselves).   Their body posture eloquently displays their bad temperament …head hunched down, back arched…flipping their beak up, squawking and chasing away competitors.   

For every 100 garbage calories they eat, they’ll expend 90 calories screaming at each other.  I’ve even seen them intimidate Canada Geese.

Seagulls.  Ugh.  I put them in the same category as carp, pigeons and rats.   

 

10. Chimps

Awww…chimps, you say?   …not those adorable little monkeys on TV!?    

Yes, chimps.   They’re assholes.

The ones on TV are cute and docile, because they’re BABY chimps.  A full-grown chimp is a whole other story.   Picture something with the patience and social skills of a two-year old, but weighing 180 pounds, with sharp canine teeth who can rip your arm off in a second.

If you don’t’ believe me, look at one of Jane Goodall’s documentaries (or check out Escape to Chimp Eden on Animal Planet).  Then you’ll get to see what these critters are really like. 

Chimps bully each other, form little cliques and pick on the weak.  They constantly have temper tantrums, scream and fight…and worse.  (It ain’t pretty!).  It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing our dark side.

I think Charleton Heston had it right, when he said “Get your hands off me, you damned dirty ape”.

The chimps’ only their saving grace is they haven’t’ figured out how to make complex weapons yet.  (Give them a few more million years, though, and see what they come up with.)

Next time one Bobo asks for a banana pellet, though, maybe you better give it to him…!

 

 

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34 Comments on “Friar’s Top Ten Assholes of the Animal Kingdom (*)”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    I can’t disagree. Even on cats, which I think are great. I love them partly because of the antisocial behaviors that seem like how I might be if I hadn’t been domesticated.

    The mosquito images have my skin crawling. Ick!

    I used to live in Iowa, and had friends from Minnesota who used to say the mosquito was their “state bird.”

    Even sleek, pretty killer whales? Welcome to Friar’s Creep-Out Tuesday.

    Neat post.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  2. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Friar,

    Now, now. We must live in harmony with one another.

    The only things I really don’t like on your list are the little red squirrels and the bugs. Oh, I have to tell the story about my CAT and the squirrels now…

    So we have this cat named Thomas who goes on point as soon as you get the shot gun out. Not that we get the shot gun out in the city, but that might be kind of amusing now that I think of it…

    No, the thing is he used to my father-in-laws cat, and my father-in-law had a great proliferation of walnut trees in his yard, which of course created a lot of squirrels. Well, he would shoot the squirrels for damage control and Thomas would go and eat them. Nothing was wasted that way.

    I told the kids in the UK this story because I thought it was amusing and they failed to see the humor in it. No one hunts there except the nobility. And they think anyone here that hunts is a hillbilly.

  3. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    Didnt’ mean to creep anyone out…but hey, that’s Nature..warts and all. I guess humans aren’t the only animals that can be jerks.

    Minnesota borders on Northern Ontario, so I guess the bugs must be pretty bad there too.

    I’ve done lots of camping in the bush. When nature calls, I find it much easier going in the woods when it’s minus 30 than in July, when there are hordes of bugs.

    @Ellen
    Oh, I live in Harmony (after all, I still play with cats, and I fed the Hissy-bitches Wonder Bread, didnt’t I?) Just that some critters are less sociable than others.

    Ask my Mom about Red Squirrels..she’s at constant war with them 🙂

    I don’t think I’ll be getting a pet chimp any time soon, though.

    That cat story…that’s funny! (But sad for the squirrels). I can just imagine Thomas waiting by the tree, for all those free meals to fall from the sky. He must think he’s in heaven.

    Reminds me of our neigbhours cat Peaches who half-killed a baby bird. This is when we were young kids. My sister and her friend held up the cat in front of the bird, to show him what he had done.

    See? See what you’ve done, Peaches? Bad Cat!

    Well, the first thing Peaches did was try to claw the bird and finish off the job. My sister and her friend were shocked….my Dad saw this and laughed…he said “What did you EXPECT that cat to do?”.

  4. steph Says:

    Okay, this is was effing hilarious!!! And I’m an animal lover extraordinaire and a vegetarian, as you know. I have to admit, when I read the title, my first thought was that humans would top that list. When I got to the mosquitoes, though (I’ve killed six in the house so far already), I felt like swatting the air around me, you were so accurate. Shudder!!

    Rodents are what get me the most, I think, besides mosquitoes, especially ferrets. Those effers bite and hang on!! Actually, love birds, too. I had two love birds and one of them was sweet as pie. The other was a nasty bitch. Oooh, sometimes I wanted to shake her. I just gritted my teeth and reminded myself that animals are not really meant to be pets. Except dogs. 🙂 I’d never give up my little Lucy. (Who’s one of the biggest jerks I know when it comes to other dogs!) Hmmm, I guess we’re all assholes at some point or other.

    PS. I so know what you mean about the killer whales. I have the BBC’s Planet Earth and Blue Planet series. WOW.

  5. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    I’m glad you “get it”. 🙂 My post was meant to be funny..I was worried that some people would take it the wrong way.

    My friend had ferrets..they were well trained, they didnt’ nip or bite..they just liked to chew on your fingers (like puppies or kittens do with their sharp teeth). They were pretty cool critters…but lots of other ferrets can be downright nasty.

    I’m an animal lover too…dogs are my ulitmate favorite. I don’t have one but I babysit my sister’s dog on a regular basis. I would probably own a cat too…if I wasn’t allergic.

    Killer whales. Yeah, people are shocked when they see violence like that. But that’s what Nature does. What the whales are doing is no less natural than cute seals hunting fish, or baby chimps playfully climbing trees.

  6. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Peaches.

    What I hate most of all are little dogs. And Paris Hilton. Actually, Paris Hilton is worse than all the bugs in Northern Michigan.

    I had a pet parakeet named Claude. He loved me, and I loved him. My aunt’s dog ate him.

    Life is cruel. But then there are people who eat little dogs, too. hehe.

    Have you ever noticed pets take on the characteristics of their owners? Especially dogs.

    Anyway, time for another story.

    My father-in-law. See above. When he was little they had chickens. There was this blind chicken that all the others chickens picked on. You know how chickens are. Pretty much like people. So he fed the chicken and took care of him. Then one day they had chicken for dinner.

    He could not find his blind chicken again.

  7. Karen JL Says:

    Aww man…way too many stories about suffering half-dead animals around here (yeah, I’m an over-sensitive animal loving vegetarian that way). I gotta go find my happy place now.

    But a suffering, half-dead Paris Hilton…THAT I could stand behind. 😉

  8. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Aww..didnt’ mean to be depressing.

    @Ellen
    …mabye I should have added chickens to the asshole list.

    By the way, do you notice that three out of ten on my asshole list are birds?

  9. Friar Says:

    @Karen and Ellen

    I can’t stand Paris Hilton. I don’t know what she contributes to the planet. Someone please tell me.

    I feel sorry for her dog, though. Look who his poor owner is.

  10. Karen JL Says:

    She contributes STD’s.

    And all her dogs end up killing themselves…love that South Park episode!

  11. Friar Says:

    @Karen JL

    I was going to mention that Southpark Episode, but I didn’t want to make you sad and bring up more animal deaths. 🙂

    OMG! Remember how that episode show ended? Where she ended up? HAHAHAH!

    The adventure of Lemmiwinks continues! 🙂

  12. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar

    Too. Damn. Funny. I love it!

    And cartoon animal deaths in the name of burning Paris Hilton is OK. 🙂 (and anything Warner Bros.)

    REAL stories of suffering animals makes me cry. I’m such a suck.

  13. Friar Says:

    @Karen JL

    Bet you cried when Old Yeller died…..(So did I!) 🙂

    I LOVE Warner Brothers…have you checked out the old Bugs Bunny cartoons on YouTube? (They’ll show thg ones you never see on TV anymore!)

  14. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    I might have forgotten to mention I was laughing as I read. Creeped out, but in a funny way.

    Until later,

    Kelly

  15. neyellen Says:

    @Karen JL – Didn’t you like my chicken story? I thought it was touching.

    @Friar – Chickens DO NOT suck.

    @Karen JL – I used to be a vegetarian, too. But meat makes my head clear. I know that sounds strange, but I think I need the extra protein. I do not care for the current farming production methods of livestock.

    @Friar – What don’t you do a post about Paris Hilton next? Ha!

  16. neyellen Says:

    Whoops, how in the hell did I get signed in as neyellen? Hmmm.

  17. Karen JL Says:

    @ Ellen – my heart bled for the poor little picked-on blind chicken. 😦

    I still eat fish and some dairy (but no meat for 20 years). I don’t like vegetables very much…it’s weird. I’m one of those ‘unhealthy’ vegetarians (see Friar? You could be one of those…I’ll give you lessons).

    @ Friar – no, I haven’t seen those YouTube toons. Cool! Kids today don’t know what they’re missing with that watered-down crap.

    And I’ve never SEEN Old Yeller because I know what happens to him! Do you remember that stop-motion ‘Little Drummer Boy’ Christmas cartoon? I always cried when the little lamb got run over by the cart. Every. Single. Year.

    *runs off to play with ‘Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset’ to cheer up*

  18. Friar Says:

    @Karen JL

    I remember the Little Drummer Boy and the sad scene when I was FIVE. That was traumatizing.

    Never did like the stupid Drummer Boy kid, though. Stupid little wuss.

    I hate the “Rum Pum Pum” song too. If the radio plays it at Christmas, I run screaming to the radio and turn it off.

    I’m puzzled at how you can be a vegetarian and not like vegetables! 🙂 Sort of a contridition in terms.

    I’m not crazy about veggies either. Except mabye deep fried, or smothered in cheese sauce….they you can experience the same unhealthy benefits as meat! 🙂

  19. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    Well, if the chickens picked on that one poor blind chicken…that’s sort of jerky behaviour, isn’t it? 🙂

    Paris Hilton….Oh, I dunno. Maybe you don’t want me to write about her. If you get me started on her, I might not be able to contain myself.

    I agree about the meat. I love it. I would be a very unhappy Friar if I didnt’ get the occasional bit of artery-clogging meat meat. (In moderation, of course!) 🙂

  20. Karen Swim Says:

    Hmm, chimps sound surprisingly like human beings. 🙂

  21. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    That’s why they act like jerks sometimes!

    I think if you shaved some of them and put them in front of a desk where I work, they’d probably make adequate senior managers. 🙂

  22. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar
    It’s not so much about liking vegetables as it about not wanting to eat animals I guess. I felt like a hypocrite…now I don’t (until the Vegans get on my ass).

    To be an unhealthy vege, you’re on the right track with ‘deep fried and smothered in cheese’. Pizza, pasta with creamy sauces, Filet O’ Fish, Poutine with fake gravy, fried cheese sticks, nachos, ice cream..all can clog your arteries just as well as meat. 😉

    On a more serious side, I have cut down on the ‘crap’ and am trying to do better. All the meat substitutes they have now are surprisingly tasty and ‘real’ looking. And fruits, yogurt, cereal with almond milk, beans, soups, crackers…there’s tons of stuff to eat that doesn’t have to look like ‘lawn in a bowl’. 🙂

  23. Brett Legree Says:

    What does Paris Hilton contribute? Well…

    1. She makes subhumans feel smart.
    2. When she dies, she’ll provide about 98 pounds of biomass for the maggots.
    3. She keeps the paparazzi employed.

    You missed an animal, in my opinion. The biggest asshole, while also being the coolest and creepiest thing I’ve ever seen.

    Meet Ampulex compressa:

    http://www.boingboing.net/2006/02/03/wasp-performs-roachb.html

    This little “beauty” comes right out of a sci-fi or horror flick. It turns a cockroach into a zombie, makes it walk into or dig a hole, then lays an egg on the roach. The egg hatches, then burrows inside the roach and eats it alive from inside.

    Awesome. And totally fits into the asshole category.

  24. Karen JL Says:

    Someone please put one of those wasps on Paris Hilton.

  25. Mania Says:

    Friar,

    Blackflies should have been on your list. Blackflies are worse that mosquitos. They don’t annouce their attack, it doesn’t hurt when the bite, but we’re left with dry bloody itchy welts in our hair, neck, and face.

    Mourning Doves are worse than crows. They wake me up before the crack of dawn with their boring monotone “Hooooooo, hooooooo, hooooooo.” Their heads are so small, I don’t think they have much of a brain.

    Pigeons annoy me. We use to play on an outdoor paved tennis court. Hundreds of pigeons rested on the roof of a nearby school. When they took off in unison we stopped our game and ran for the fence. They loved to circle the tennis court and splat their load on the pavement. It made for a slippery surface.

    Mania

    Mania

  26. Brett Legree Says:

    @Karen JL,

    Not a bad idea, except the wasp requires a brain be present in order to control the host.

    Paris may be immune to this kind of wasp…

  27. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    I saw that wasp on BoingBoing. That’s not just asshole…that’s CREEPY. That’s in a category all by itself.

    I guess Paris does servea purpose, though. As useful biomass. Plus she’s a good warm host for all those cooties she carries.

    @Karen JL
    Deep fried, and cheese sauces. NOW you’re talkin’! (But I still like my meat…!) I’ll do both. (And then I’ll run another 10 km race to burn off one lousy hamburger!) 🙂

    @Mania
    I was going to put mosquitoes and blackflies together. But I think mosquitoes win…Blackflies are only around for a a short time…and you only get them in cottage country. Mosquitoes are everywhere, and last most of the summer.

    I agree..the mourning doves are annoying. But they’re so stupid, I dont’ think they know what they’re doing. So that doesn’t qualify them as assholes. Just idiots.

    Seems to be a lot of birds being discussed in this post. I think our avian friends must have a high asshole-quotient.

  28. Karen JL Says:

    @ Brett

    Oh god, you’re right.

    How about we throw her to the dung beetles?

    (I wonder if she has some kind of google alert thingy on her blackberry?)

  29. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    The dung-beetles would probably throw her back.

    Seriously, I dont’ think she serves any purpose on the planet.


  30. Okay gang, first of all, I adore Paris Hilton. Please don’t shoot me for saying that. But come on! She’s an heiress, grew up with more money than any of us would know what to do with at her total disposal and when you take that into consideration, she’s an alright girl. So she parties and flashes her bleep every once in a while… big deal! I just haven’t seen her do anything that warrants all the hate she gets.

    Aw, anyway…

    I’m an animal lover too but I’m totally with you on mosquitoes Friar. I can’t stand them! And did you know that cats will catch and eat the damn things? Yep. Kitties and Paris Hilton deserve a break people!

  31. Friar Says:

    @Melissa

    I guess I would be alright too, if I was being offered > $100K just to show up at a nightclub. 🙂

    http://www.luxist.com/2007/09/01/paris-hilton-paid-200-000-to-party-on-her-birthday/

    I just have little patience for celebrity-worship of people who are famous for being famous. As much as I can’t stand Celine Dion…at least she sings and entertains. But what’s Paris ever done? (The reality show dosen’t count!)

    Oh, well, that’s just me.

    As for mosquitoes, who actually LIKES them? (Except birds?). Whoever came up with the Grand Design of Universe…they musta been trying to punish all the rest of the animals when they created these nasty bugs.

    And why did geese have to be so nasty? (Compared to cute ducks, who all get along).

    Go figure, eh?


  32. […] Make them Stop. Okay, crows have now officially made it to the top of my list of  Assholes in the Animal Kingdom. […]

  33. TESS Says:

    Friar, I am Rebecca Smith’s sistah. I think you are funny.

    -TESS (AKA Amy)

  34. Friar Says:

    @Tess

    Hi Tess(Amy).

    Welcome to the Deep Friar! Drop by anytime!


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