Friar’s Tips to Seniors: How to Annoy the Younger Generation

Gloat to working people just how busy you are
List a bunch of things that people normally consider recreation, and make it sound like work. 

Today, I checked my email,  read the paper, played golf, had lunch with my friends, talked on the phone, and then did the gardening.   Phew!  I’m so busy!  Just where does the TIME go?”

Wear a Hat
And while doing so, drive v-e-r-y  s-l-o-w-l-y.    

For God Sakes, DO NOT even APPROACH the speed limit.  You will die.

The only exception to this rule is when driving in the passing lane.  Then, and ONLY then, drive EXACTLY the speed limit.   Not one iota more.  Then see how many cars you can back up.   

As an added bonus, keep the left-hand turn signal on for 5 minutes.

Go ahead.  Say whatever the hell you want
If you’re 75, you can say things that would normally get a 25-year-old punched out.    Be as opinionated or as grumpy as you want.  No one will dare question you.   Because you’re old.  

Try it.  Next time you’re in a group, go ahead and say something stupid.   Watch peoples’ reaction.  They’ll just smile politely and nod their head.   They might even apologize for you later on, explaining that you’re old, that’s just the way you are.

Talk about your old salary as if it were in today’s dollars.
Say this with a straight face:  “Do you know how much I made at my first job…?   EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Never mind that back then a house only cost $15,000 and a car cost $2000.  Make it sound like you earned $8,000 by today’s standards.  This way, you get to self-righteously imply how thrifty you were, compared to today’s spendthrift generation.

If someone disagrees and mentions things like inflation, cut them off and change the subject. 

Brag how much your house has increased in value
I bought this house for $14.95 back in 1953,  and now it’s worth three hundred and fifty bajillion dollars!

 You were lucky enough to have been born at the right time when housing was affordable.  Therefore, it’s your right (nay, your duty) to rub it in and let the younger folks know how well off you are. 

Emphasize how you’re so glad you bought when you did, and that you can’t imagine how people today can afford houses, especially if you’re speaking to a house-poor couple whose double-income barely covers their mortgage. 

Cut in line, as you’re entitled to do so. 
Wander around the cashier, and being ever so subtle, walk right up to the counter and cut to the head of the line.  Nobody will dare tell off a sweet old lady or charming old Grampa.

If they do, then smile,  pretend to act confused and say things like “Dear Me” or “My word”.   They’ll think you’re getting Alzheimer’s and they’ll feel too guilty to protest. 

Strategically run your errands at peak hours
Never mind that you have the entire day to go to the post office or do your shopping.   Run your errands ONLY at lunch hour, or ONLY at 5:00 PM, when everyone is off from work at the same time.  

Then, use your senior tricks to grind the process to a screeching halt (as we’ll discuss below).

Once you’re at the head of a line, grind the process to a screeching halt.  
For example, if it’s a fast-food place,  pretend you’ve never heard of burgers and read the menu aloud like it’s a foreign language.

“Ham-bur-gerrrr….Eh?  What’s THAT?    Fries….what’s THAT?   Eh?   Do I want one of those?   What’s a cheeseburger?….Coke?    How much is it?…Do you have relish?…”

If it’s a convenience store, spend half your pension cheque on 20 different varieties of lottery tickets.  Cash in your old winning tickets, one at a time for a grand total of $15.  Use these winnings to buy even more tickets.  Take lessons from the Lottery Bat

Never pay with large denomination bills, and never, EVER accept change!
Senior By-Law 104 Section (b) stipulates you must pay with the exact change at all times, preferably with coins.   So don’t EVER break a twenty for a $1.75 purchase.  That’s just wrong.

Never mind if there are 20 people behind you.   Fish out the coins one at a time, using your mandatory Old-Lady Coin PurseÒ (which you keep within your hand-bag…which itself is kept hermetically-sealed within your larger purse).

Oh.  And never EVER have your wallet out in anticipation for when the cashier rings up the total.   Act as if it never occurred to you that you’d have to pay for your purchases.  Start the coin-retrieval ritual only after the groceries have been bagged and have been safely delivered to your car.

Tell people how easy it used to be to find a decent job. 
“Back when I got hired,  I had a Grade Three education.  During my coffee break, I just submitted my application on the back of a used piece of Kleenex.    Well, sir, they hired me on the spot, gave me a company car, and paid for my house, and fed me lobster and peeled grapes. I stayed employed for that company for 35 years, and I’ve never ever had to look for a job since.    

Save this story for when you’re talking to someone currently out of work.

Hose down the Driveway
Because nothing says “I’m retired with too much time on my hands” than an asphalt surface clean enough to eat off of.

Start working again for the company you just retired from
Never mind that you’ve been there for 30 years and you’re set for life with a  hefty pension.  Never mind that maybe it’s time to hang up your hat and give the younger folks a chance at a slice of the pie.   You deserve TWO PAYCHECKS.    

Hire yourself out as a consultant/contractor.  Chances are they’ll pay you more than you ever earned while you worked there.  But that’s okay…the money will probably come out of budget for the regular full-time staff. 

Better yet, offer your services at pittance, offering to work almost for free.  (Just because you like to keep busy).   The company will be only too glad to keep you on, instead of hiring new graduates who actually have the nerve to demand a salary.

Assert your generations’ moral superiority  
Roll your eyes when people mention Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton, or Rap Music.  Explain to everyone that you didn’t have all this sex and loose morals when you grew up.  Life was simpler back then, mind you, people were well brought up and had a sense of decency.  

If anyone mentions racial segregation, McCarthyism, sexual harassment and limited career options for women, cut them off, and change the subject.    

Travel in Herds with FLY’s  
FLY = F**cking Land Yacht.  

You know…FLY’s are those RV’s that are so God-Dammed big that they come with their own bowling alley and laundry room.   They’re so God-dammed big, it’s necessary to tow a smaller truck behind, to act as a “shuttle” for trips to the store while the FLY is camped. .

If you think it’s fun hogging the road with your behemoth at 35 mph,  just imagine the thrill of hogging the entire county when you and your cronies line up with 20-30 of these lumbering FLY’s in a row.

Blocking traffic is especially effective on winding, twisty mountainous roads (like the Alaska Highway) where there’s no hope in hell in anyone passing your wagon train for at least sixty miles. 

Other drivers will love you for this, but Dag Gummit, you’ve paid your taxes, and you’re entitled to own the road.

When your caravan stops at a restaurant or a campground,  get out of your FLY’s simultaneously and descend on the area like herd of gray locusts.   Buy every bit of food, refreshments and firewood within 10 miles, and overwhelm the cashiers, waitresses and park rangers with your presence. 

Oh, and don’t forget to grind their process to a screeching halt.

 

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25 Comments on “Friar’s Tips to Seniors: How to Annoy the Younger Generation”


  1. Oh my gosh! Laughing hysterically. I can’t believe you made me read that long of a post — where are my bifocals? You just described me to a T. Scary. I must be 89 or something. Sheesh. Lately, I have even been driving under the speed limit — me — I was a speed demon back in the day, when the work was easy and music was good.

    Your drawings are really great too.

    This one is going to the ol’ friends and family! Gramma style yo.

  2. Steph Says:

    Talk about laughing hysterically! Thank God! I thought I might be the only one “cruel” enough to think this way! No one else ever says it out loud with quite this finesse!

    And I too was thinking of how many people I could forward this to! You’re great at rants, Friar. By any chance is Splat Creek a retirement town, like mine?

  3. Sandie Says:

    Ooooh! Perfect read first thing in the morning! Thank you!

  4. Friar Says:

    @Jaden
    What’s funny, is I tried to make this post brief! But there was just too much material.

    Dear Me. If you drive the way you say you do….Hmmm….have you thought about what kind of HAT you’d to wear (It’s the rules, you know!) 🙂

    @Steph
    I’m glad you liked this. I suspect I might get in shit from other people for ranting like this…some of my best friends are seniors! 🙂

    Splat Creek didnt’ used to be a retirement town, but it’s becoming that way. The first generation of Widget Workers are all in their Golden Years…..This is probably where I’ve been getting lots of my ideas from.

    @Sandie
    If I can bring a moment of laughter to the odd person like you, it makes it all worth it. Thanks!

  5. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Your new blog: Stuff Old People Like. Because nobody can skewer the Greatest Generation like The Deep Friar. Laughing so hard, until I came to this part:

    “Roll your eyes when people mention Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton, or Rap Music. Explain to everyone that you didn’t have all this sex and loose morals when you grew up.”

    I roll my eyes when people mention Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton, or rap music. Somethin’ wrong with that? Am I old?

    Though at least, I explain to everyone that we had better sex and loose morals when I grew up. Young-uns today gotta worry a lot. Nobody started worrying until I got some fun in… (which we know now had its disadvantages, too).

    I love the housing discussion. Yup, perfect.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  6. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Heh heh heh. Stuff Old People Like. Mabye there’s a book in there.

    Don’t worry. I also roll my eyes at Brittany, Paris and Rap too. (That’s not so bad…all that means is that we’re a bit more mature than the average 22 year old).

    It’s if we try to act self-righteous and correct the 22-year-olds on their ethics and morals…well, then…THAT would make us old.

    Sooner or later, that will probably happen (But I dont’ think I’m there yet…and I can’t picture you ever getting that way either!) 🙂


  7. ROFLOL…Handbook. Friar you just published the handbook!!! My grandmother said when she turned 80 it was kind of cool. Cool? Yes, she said she could do whatever she damn well pleased.
    Still laughing here. Oh yeah, Stuff Old People like….how about early bird buffets.. or is that a Florida thing?


  8. Hahee! You made me laugh out loud! I love old people though, so don’t dis ’em too hard. Thanks for the chuckle 😉

  9. Friar Says:

    @Janice
    I remember when my Dad was 65. He said “I dont’ care what people think…if they dont’ like it, they can go to Hell! It’s not my problem..it’s THEIRS…! 🙂

    I think the early bird buffets are a Florida thing. Not too many buffets in Ontario (except all-you-can-eat Chinese food). The words “early bird” arent’ even used here.
    Canada is about 10-20 years behind the States when it comes to eating out and fast food. Give us time…..

    @Melissa
    Ahhh…dont’ worry. Like I said..some of my best friends are old. (And I make fun of everything equally….so sooner or later, I’m sure you’ll see a post on dumb things kids and teenagers do!)

  10. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    It worked for the Stuff White People Like guy. He can quit grad school or whatever he was doing now.

    My Stuff Old People Like story:

    My Grandma was the quintessential old lady who keeps EVERYTHING. Pencils that are one inch long. Old typewriter keys off a busted typewriter, because the new one might need a replacement someday. Empty chhese boxes. Everything. “Depression-mentality,” Mom calls it, but I think Grandma was a bit extreme even for that phrasing.

    She died the summer my daughter and I got away from Sir Jackass. We moved into a mighty bare apartment and were gleeful because there was room to dance, which was all we wanted to do since we were so blasted happy. Other folks thought we should have furnishings, so they packed up anything that hadn’t been claimed by relations from Grandma’s house and trucked it down here to Delaware.

    A few months later I decided to bake some banana bread (too busy dancing to eat for all that time), and I pulled out Grandma’s four loaf pans. First one was a bit dusty, so being a lazy sot, I went for the second one down. It had a piece of masking tape across the bottom. Written on it, in Grandma’s shaky hand, was one word:

    Holes.

    Sure enough, when then tape was lifted, the pan had several good-sized holes in it.

    She couldn’t throw it away dagnabbit, but from the grave she was gonna make sure I didn’t pour batter into a pan with holes in it.

    I looked up, yelled “Grandma!!!” cried, laughed, and called my Mom. She cried, laughed, and yelled too.

    Loved her, but wanted to tear my hair out, too.

    Later,

    Kelly

    P.S. You should write something for the Stuff White People Like contest. You would have an awesomely cutting and true entry, which is exactly what works for him. Except for you, he’s the funniest guy on the ‘net.


  11. I’ve got plenty of hats, don’t even get me started telling you about how much I am like this post. I wasn’t joking.

    I sent this to the old timers I know, they have great sense of humor and will love it. Hey, if they are on email, they are hip enough to get it and laugh. Maybe I will come back and post their ages and reactions.

    Old people are my favorite people because they tell the best stories!!! Being a writer, what could be better?

    My mom is starting to use the senior citizen discount… Like a sneaky kid, she stands off to the side while her older boyfriend buys the tickets. She’s in her 50s! Hahahha.

    I will never forget when I was 19 and was talking to this 40 year old woman, asking her if it sucked to be 40. (duh, jackass here.) And she said she was the happiest she had ever been because she can be herself and say whatever she wants. We went shopping together and she scolded some stranger — it was awesome. I knew I had something to which to look forward.

    …laughing.


  12. I am laughing, Jaden. I hope they show up. That could be soooo much fun. Especially for Friar. Well actually for us, watching him be both polite and curmudgeonly.
    if they show up, I am putting on a sun hat and drinking something yummy very slowly while I watch the fun.

  13. Mania Says:

    Another annoying habit relating to the Driveway Hoser, in the autumn it’s the Leaf Sucker.

    The fellow two doors down, doesn’t rake his lawn, he uses an electric leaf blower. This expensive contraption blows his leaves into a pile and then he bags them.

    OK with me, but then during the rest of the day he watches for errant fallen leaves, he keeps coming outside, he switches his blower it to vacuum mode, and the contraption sucks truant leaves from his lawn and driveway.

    Again, OK with me if he wants to waste his electricity and valuable time. What is most annoying is the incessant noise of his contraption throughout the day.

    Have you noticed, these same people mow their lawns early Saturday or Sunday morning?

  14. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    Oh..boy. I hear you. I know some people like this….who won’t throw out anything. (If they happen to be reading this..dont’ worry, I still love you!) 🙂

    But I don’t think this is necessarily senior thing…it takes decades of practice to accumulate all that clutter.

    @Jaden
    I think age magnifies your personality. If you were interesting during your life, you’ll be even more interesting when you’re old, and you’ll have tons of fantastic stories to tell. Those are the seniors I want to listen to.

    But if you’ve been boring and (er…kinda stupid) all your life? As a senior, your stories will probably SUCK and you’ll drive people to tears with boredom!

    It’s just a matter of filtering out the right kind of senior!

    PS. Your Mom buying senior discount movie tickets? SHAME ON HER! 🙂

    @Janice
    What’s funny, is when I first wrote “Friar Versus the Grayheads”, a seniors blog picked up on it and referred to my post!:-)

    I deliberately tagged this post “seniors”, just to see if anyone visits. Like Jaden says, if they’re hip enough to use a computer, they’ll probably get a chuckle.

  15. Friar Says:

    @Mania

    Mowing the lawn on Saturday morning is equivalent to shopping at lunch hour. These guys do it deliberately. Because they can.

    Let me guess..when he hoses down his driveway or blows his leafs, he wears a HAT and a cardigan sweater!

    (It almsot make you want to take your car on his lawn and drive donuts….dosen’t it?) 🙂

  16. wendikelly Says:

    Friar,
    I laughed till it hurt dang you.

    sweetheart…a BOOK. a REAL one with illistrations and everything. The kind you can sit down and read at Borders and snicker and laugh at in the isles and then buy because you have to send it to your relatives.

    You are a funny funny man..and you can write and illistrate your way right out of the widget way of life. PLEASE believe me.

  17. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Friar,

    Good stuff. Try putting that in the Splat Creek paper. he.

    A lot of these remind me of my parent’s generation and older. My dad drives so sloooowww it makes me want to rip my face off. And the back of the kleenex one! Ha! Love that.

    I call the old drivers road raisens, or cutetips. I had to look cutetips up. It sounds like cutips. hmmm.

    Dontcha just love getting right on top of the on the highway? You look ahead see a car, and all of a sudden you’re right on top of it? Crazy. Cutips.

  18. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    Hahahah! I’ve heard raisin before, but never Cutetip!!!

    Reminds me, a weekend I spent with a girfriends parents years ago. We went for a family drive. Her dad drove like the proverbial grayhead he was…not ONE IOTA over the speed limit….I was stuck in the back seat for the whole day, and I wanted to gouge my eyes out.

    Any time a car would pass and angrily honk (which happened often) the entire family would cluck their tongues, and say “Ooooh! Look at that idiot..WHERE does he think he’s going?”

    Well, wherever he’s going…he’s getting their SOONER than we are!

    PS. I dont’ dare put this in the Splat Creek Chronicle. They have me drawn and quartered. (They still burn witches here on a regular basis).

  19. Friar Says:

    @Wendi

    Thanks for the vote of confidence.

    That’s my game plan…to continue to get a portfolio of stories like this…see which ones get the best response, and then put them all together in some kind of book.

    You guys are my test audience…and I must say, you’re doing a great job! 🙂

  20. Reel Ninja Says:

    This is a classic post!!! Thank you for the laughs 🙂

  21. Ellen Wilson Says:

    @Jaden – Man, you’re making me feel like a cutetip now. It’s true, we old people tell the best stories.

    Back when I was a young whipper snapper we had a black and white TV my parents refused to get rid of until I was 17 years old. My friend’s with their consoles wondered what the hell was the matter with us.

    And then there was that magic bus we road around in…

  22. Friar Says:

    @Reel
    Thanks! There’ll be plenty more where these came from…! (Your blog ain’t too shabby either).

    @Ellen
    I know you’re close to my age…so you probably remember things like Grampa’s TV (even older than our parent’s TV). (You know..that took ten minutes to warm up…you turned on the set, watched the white dot, and it slowly grew into a line, and eventuallythe line formed into the TV image).

    My parents were too “square” to do any magic buses, though.

  23. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Yeah, I know. The altar boy thing. Altar boys remind me of castratti.

    Bunny ear TV’s. Yes. I remember watching the ant races after they played the Star Spangled Banner and the TV was off for the night. Now it never shuts down. Nothing shuts down. All night convenience!

    I betcha Splat Creek shuts down. Do you guys have weird blue laws like we do where you can’t buy alcohol on Sun until 1:00 pm? Is that so we make it to church on time?

    Damn, I can’t have my alcohol, so I better get my ass to church!

  24. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    I think some local stations still shut off around 3:00 AM..but I have satelite TV, so I get it all night. (I actually like to sleep with the TV on very quietly in the background). It keeps me company in my big empty house.

    In Ontario, you can only buy booze at government-designated Beer Stores, or Liquor stores. So we’re stuck with the hours they decide to keep. (I forget if they’re open on Sunday, I think the Beer Store is).

    You can always go to the bar…I guess they’ll theoretically serve you before 1:00 PM but I’ve never tried.

    You should see this place after 9:00 PM. Except for the pizza joint and the bar, downtown is pretty much rolled up and tucked in for the night.

  25. BrettHead Says:

    Awesome! I should send this to my retired parents


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