Friar’s Tips to Seniors: How to Annoy the Younger Generation
Gloat to working people just how busy you are
List a bunch of things that people normally consider recreation, and make it sound like work.
“Today, I checked my email, read the paper, played golf, had lunch with my friends, talked on the phone, and then did the gardening. Phew! I’m so busy! Just where does the TIME go?”
Wear a Hat
And while doing so, drive v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.
For God Sakes, DO NOT even APPROACH the speed limit. You will die.
The only exception to this rule is when driving in the passing lane. Then, and ONLY then, drive EXACTLY the speed limit. Not one iota more. Then see how many cars you can back up.
As an added bonus, keep the left-hand turn signal on for 5 minutes.
Go ahead. Say whatever the hell you want
If you’re 75, you can say things that would normally get a 25-year-old punched out. Be as opinionated or as grumpy as you want. No one will dare question you. Because you’re old.
Try it. Next time you’re in a group, go ahead and say something stupid. Watch peoples’ reaction. They’ll just smile politely and nod their head. They might even apologize for you later on, explaining that you’re old, that’s just the way you are.
Talk about your old salary as if it were in today’s dollars.
Say this with a straight face: “Do you know how much I made at my first job…? EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS!”
Never mind that back then a house only cost $15,000 and a car cost $2000. Make it sound like you earned $8,000 by today’s standards. This way, you get to self-righteously imply how thrifty you were, compared to today’s spendthrift generation.
If someone disagrees and mentions things like inflation, cut them off and change the subject.
Brag how much your house has increased in value
“I bought this house for $14.95 back in 1953, and now it’s worth three hundred and fifty bajillion dollars!”
You were lucky enough to have been born at the right time when housing was affordable. Therefore, it’s your right (nay, your duty) to rub it in and let the younger folks know how well off you are.
Emphasize how you’re so glad you bought when you did, and that you can’t imagine how people today can afford houses, especially if you’re speaking to a house-poor couple whose double-income barely covers their mortgage.
Cut in line, as you’re entitled to do so.
Wander around the cashier, and being ever so subtle, walk right up to the counter and cut to the head of the line. Nobody will dare tell off a sweet old lady or charming old Grampa.
If they do, then smile, pretend to act confused and say things like “Dear Me” or “My word”. They’ll think you’re getting Alzheimer’s and they’ll feel too guilty to protest.
Strategically run your errands at peak hours
Never mind that you have the entire day to go to the post office or do your shopping. Run your errands ONLY at lunch hour, or ONLY at 5:00 PM, when everyone is off from work at the same time.
Then, use your senior tricks to grind the process to a screeching halt (as we’ll discuss below).
Once you’re at the head of a line, grind the process to a screeching halt.
For example, if it’s a fast-food place, pretend you’ve never heard of burgers and read the menu aloud like it’s a foreign language.
“Ham-bur-gerrrr….Eh? What’s THAT? Fries….what’s THAT? Eh? Do I want one of those? What’s a cheeseburger?….Coke? How much is it?…Do you have relish?…”
If it’s a convenience store, spend half your pension cheque on 20 different varieties of lottery tickets. Cash in your old winning tickets, one at a time for a grand total of $15. Use these winnings to buy even more tickets. Take lessons from the Lottery Bat.
Never pay with large denomination bills, and never, EVER accept change!
Senior By-Law 104 Section (b) stipulates you must pay with the exact change at all times, preferably with coins. So don’t EVER break a twenty for a $1.75 purchase. That’s just wrong.
Never mind if there are 20 people behind you. Fish out the coins one at a time, using your mandatory Old-Lady Coin PurseÒ (which you keep within your hand-bag…which itself is kept hermetically-sealed within your larger purse).
Oh. And never EVER have your wallet out in anticipation for when the cashier rings up the total. Act as if it never occurred to you that you’d have to pay for your purchases. Start the coin-retrieval ritual only after the groceries have been bagged and have been safely delivered to your car.
Tell people how easy it used to be to find a decent job.
“Back when I got hired, I had a Grade Three education. During my coffee break, I just submitted my application on the back of a used piece of Kleenex. Well, sir, they hired me on the spot, gave me a company car, and paid for my house, and fed me lobster and peeled grapes. I stayed employed for that company for 35 years, and I’ve never ever had to look for a job since.
Save this story for when you’re talking to someone currently out of work.
Hose down the Driveway
Because nothing says “I’m retired with too much time on my hands” than an asphalt surface clean enough to eat off of.
Start working again for the company you just retired from
Never mind that you’ve been there for 30 years and you’re set for life with a hefty pension. Never mind that maybe it’s time to hang up your hat and give the younger folks a chance at a slice of the pie. You deserve TWO PAYCHECKS.
Hire yourself out as a consultant/contractor. Chances are they’ll pay you more than you ever earned while you worked there. But that’s okay…the money will probably come out of budget for the regular full-time staff.
Better yet, offer your services at pittance, offering to work almost for free. (Just because you like to keep busy). The company will be only too glad to keep you on, instead of hiring new graduates who actually have the nerve to demand a salary.
Assert your generations’ moral superiority
Roll your eyes when people mention Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton, or Rap Music. Explain to everyone that you didn’t have all this sex and loose morals when you grew up. Life was simpler back then, mind you, people were well brought up and had a sense of decency.
If anyone mentions racial segregation, McCarthyism, sexual harassment and limited career options for women, cut them off, and change the subject.
Travel in Herds with FLY’s
FLY = F**cking Land Yacht.
You know…FLY’s are those RV’s that are so God-Dammed big that they come with their own bowling alley and laundry room. They’re so God-dammed big, it’s necessary to tow a smaller truck behind, to act as a “shuttle” for trips to the store while the FLY is camped. .
If you think it’s fun hogging the road with your behemoth at 35 mph, just imagine the thrill of hogging the entire county when you and your cronies line up with 20-30 of these lumbering FLY’s in a row.
Blocking traffic is especially effective on winding, twisty mountainous roads (like the Alaska Highway) where there’s no hope in hell in anyone passing your wagon train for at least sixty miles.
Other drivers will love you for this, but Dag Gummit, you’ve paid your taxes, and you’re entitled to own the road.
When your caravan stops at a restaurant or a campground, get out of your FLY’s simultaneously and descend on the area like herd of gray locusts. Buy every bit of food, refreshments and firewood within 10 miles, and overwhelm the cashiers, waitresses and park rangers with your presence.
Oh, and don’t forget to grind their process to a screeching halt.