More Things Old People Like
Have you ever driven a Buick or a Lincoln Continental? The slightest touch on the gas pedal will have the car zooming at 75 mph without you even realizing it. These cars are a dream for cruising down freeways at high speed.
Well, seniors just LOVE these cars. (Mainly, because they’re the only ones that can afford them!) But unfortunately, Grampa Jebediah or Old Aunt Gladys never drive these cars the way they’re supposed to be driven.
Instead, they proceed at a turtle’s pace. No wonder we call these cars “Boats”.
What a freaking waste of engine power.
I have a suggestion to the car manufacturers: Get rid of the V6 200-Horsepower engine, and replace it with a tiny putt-putt motor instead.
You’ll save a bundle on production costs, and your customers will never notice the difference.
The Old Ladies especially get into this.
First, they’ll hover over all the different trays and admire the presentation and arrangement of the steaming food.
Next, they’ll debate over what to eat. After about 10 minutes they’ll finally start to painfully pick and chose every food morsel as if it was Christ’s Last Supper.
What next? Dear me, that pasta noodle looks good. I think I will try an olive next….Hmm…shall I have a meat ball?
These old biddies always seem to place themselves in front of the hungriest customer in the restaurant (namely….ME!).
I swear it’s deliberate.
When I can finally get around these culinary ding-dongs, it takes me about 5 seconds to slap the food on my plate and return to my seat.
By the time I’m done eating and going back for seconds, the Food-Gawkers could still be trying to fill up their first plate.
When women get to a certain age, they often get the classic O.B. haircut (O.B. being short for Old Bat)
You know the style. The hair is so short it’s almost a Marine brush-cut. For a slight trace of femininity, the top of the scalp might reluctantly be allowed to have a few curls.
For God’s sakes, WHY would anyone want to deliberately look this way?
My theory is that once a woman gets old enough, they achieve BAT status and no longer have to worry about dolling themselves up to look good. They’re too old to date and/or their husband is too old to be unfaithful and leave them.
So instead of messing with curls and bangs every day, they opt for the hairstyle that takes zero maintenance.
The Old-Bat cut is especially popular with the larger women.
Nothing like a closely-cropped scalp to make the head appear smaller and make the body look even more huge than it already is.
It’s only a matter of time before they start to shave themselves bald (and won’t the grand-kids just love THAT?)
My mother once pointed out the “Polyester Ladies” to me as a kid. (Thanks, Mom!)
Once women reach that certain body mass, they’ll opt for the loose, comfortable clothing that fits all sizes. And Polyester, being that wonderful petroleum-based fabric, comes in all kinds of bright pastel colors.
It’s the perfect accessory to wear with the O.B. cut.
Wearing them is mandatory. Especially when driving.
You can see men start to do this in their 50’s. Once their aggressive driving days are behind them, they’ll start sporting a leather cap with a visor.
That’s the “Apprentice Hat” which they’re required to wear for several years while they gradually reduce their driving speed.
Once they’re the slowest driver on the street (and they’ve physically shrunken to the point where you only see their knuckles grabbing the steering wheel), they become a full-fledged Gray Head driver. At that point, they’re allowed to wear a full Fedora.
Someone too old to drive has attained Senior Gray Head status. They’re relegated to the back seat and as a sign of respect they no longer have to wear the hat.
They just coach the more junior Grey-Heads up front who are still driving.
Stories about Sickness and Death
When seniors approach their twilight years, they’re increasingly aware of their own mortality and hence feel the need to share their fears with you. Which basically involves endless misery stories about unfortunate people you don’t know and will never meet.
“I was taking to Mrs. McGillicuddy down the street…her cousin’s mailman had leprosy of the bowel. It was an horrible surgery, he was in the hospital for 16 weeks, and now he’s in a wheelchair and can only go to the bathroom while standing on his head and playing the accordion…
….but his daughter takes care of him. But then she got Jungle-Rot fever of the brain, and it ate our her eyes. So now she walks around the house with a seeing eye-dog, with empty sockets where her eyes used to be, trying to care of her poor father. But then the dog had to be put down because it strangled on the colostomy bag hose. It’s very sad, actually…”
(Okay! Okay!….I GET it!….Life sucks and we’re all going to DIE!….can I please go kill myself now?)
Sandal and Socks
The quintessential old-man stereotype: expensive leather sandals with black knee-length socks.
I’m trying to figure out where this came from. When did people EVER dress this way? Even back in the 1930’s …was this style EVER fashionable and cool?
In fact, I suspect that is was NEVER cool to wear sandals and socks together.
NEVER in the history of the whole planet.
It must be a phenomenon seniors invented. Because they could.
The smaller. the better. And make they’re hyper and nippy, and hate everyone except the owner.
Bonus points, if it’s a wussy dog that needs to sweater to go outside.
The Mandatory Pilgrimage to Alaska
Okay, imagine every RV in the Lower 48, from Alabama to Wyoming, traveling up north.
Now imagine all these RV’s funneled together onto the only paved road within 500 miles.
Welcome to Alaska in July.
This Grey Invasion takes over the whole state. The average tourist age is about 72, because it’s mainly the elderly who who can afford the time off to travel up there.
The only 20-year-olds you’ll see are the ones working 15 hours a day in the restaurants and tourist traps, to serve the RV-crowd the Blue-Plate specials and Senior Discount Coffee.
If you want to visit Alaska un-crowded, my advice is to head up there in mid-August. By then, the nights will have started getting a bit chilly, and the Vast Grey Exodus reverses itself, as everyone starts heading south again.
You know, the really big ones. That wrap almost all the way around the head, and cover half the face.
For Chrissakes. Why don’t you just get a welder’s mask, at this point?
At a certain age, it’s like a dormant switch gets turned on:
“I’m old…Gee, it’s time I started liking the Bag-Pipes”.
This caterwauling sound tends to make all Seniors nostalgic and misty-eyed. Even the ones who never fought in a war, or who have no trace of Scottish blood, whatsoever.
If I ever start liking bag-pipes, you’ll know it’s time to put me down.
Seriously. Have you EVER seen anyone under 75 lawn-bowl?
Again, I think the age-related switch gets suddenly turned on, and people suddenly feel the urge to take up the game.
Same thing applies to square dancing…
If there’s one thing seniors don’t mess around with, it’s Number Two.
I used to stock shelves in a drug store. Believe me, this product was a big hit with the over-65 crowd.
(Anyway, I know my Grandma loved it).