Office Haiku

Poor young Engineer
All that University
Just to push paper

Always aim for this:  
Lowest denominator
You will succeed here  

Human Resources
Hah!  Wise choice of words
For those least human. 

Acronyms rule here
We no longer speak English
We just pretend to

Changing procedures 
Once again, for no reason
Just because they can

Cubicle People
Stacked like eggs in cartons
Trying not to break

Meetings should not run  
Into lunch or coffee breaks
Death to those who do

A gun to my head
Would be better than hearing
This idiot talk

Let me get this straight
You want this report WHEN, now?
You must be kidding.

I will not work late
I don’t care when this is due
You cannot make me

Try to use Logic
But they cannot think this way
And they will scold you 

The Company Man 
Who accepts all policy 
Is missing brain cells

Recycling paper
Is more important than you
Shut up and listen

How many more years
To put up with all of this
Before I can die?

Flipping hamburgers
Does not seem that bad, really
Compared to this job

Uncle Big Brother
Watches over us in vain
As we screw the dog

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27 Comments on “Office Haiku”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Oh, darling Friar
    How do you rock this so hard?
    Love this post so much

    LOL!

    Regards,

    Kelly

  2. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    I write what I know…!! 🙂


  3. Pssst.. over here….there’s a hole in the perimeter….on a count of 3….RUNNNNNNNN.

    I like the egg one, and the last one best.

    I am the WORST person for this kind of work. I cannot do it, or not for very long, and stay healthy or sane. I would rather live in genteel poverty than be chained to some mindless heartless machine. Soul robbing stuff.

    Yet grist for the creative mill.

  4. Brett Legree Says:

    My friend has worked hard
    A new job awaits him now
    He will tell you soon

    🙂

  5. Friar Says:

    @Janice
    Well…I’m still trying to figure out what’s the best way to handle the machine. I’ll let you know when I come up with the answer.

    @Brett.
    HMM!!!?!?
    Interesting news, from your friend.
    I hope he tells me SOON!!!!

  6. Karen JL Says:

    @ Brett
    Really? Tell your friend I’m thrilled for him. 🙂

    @ Friar
    You do indeed rock. That was gold. How DO you do it? (that job I mean)

    (@ both
    I’m off to Montreal and will see that South Park Live show next week. Plus my next post has some South Park goodness in it if you’re interested. See ya in week. 🙂 )

  7. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    Well, I still don’t know how I do it. It pays reasonably well. (Sometimes I think I’m just whoring myself out to The Man).

    The one redeeming thing is in this area is that the outdoor lifestyle is what I love. After work, I can plop my canoe in the water any time I want, or just explore the bush or pick wild berries or swim in a crystal clear lake, or ski on some trails without having to drive too far.

    No traffic, no crowds, clear air, you can see the Milky Way in your back yard.

    This makes up for all the other crap. ( Just BARELY, though). Sooner or later the balance might tip in the other direction, and then I’ll have to make a decision.

    PS. You gotta tell me all about Southpark when you come back.

  8. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar
    Well, *that* makes sense and I totally get it. At least it brings you some balance. I love the mountains and ocean…and they’re right out my window.

    That helped me while I was cooped up in here for months on end.

    (you will indeed get that report : ) )

  9. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Well, I’m actually in the process of writing some crunchy-granola “Nature Boy” posts, talking about my outdoor adventures.

    It might help explain why I put up with some of the stuff I do.


  10. rut roh..granola , nature boy stuff coming up? Eagerly waiitng like a golden retreiver cooped up too long….

    yep, tail wagging…

  11. Brett Legree Says:

    News to follow when it is available from my “friend”.

    (Friar, you big ho, pimping yourself to the man…)

  12. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Well, as I was recently told (in so many words), being a Ho and working for the man is “required, and expected”.

  13. Kelly Says:

    Brett, congrats in advance. Sounds big. Can’t wait.

    Friar,

    It’s your irritating, no excess brain power required job that enables you to be more than Nature Boy. You’re also Renaissance Man. If you were captivated and absorbed by your day job and taking it home and fretting over it like a mother hen until 2 am, you couldn’t paint-write haiku-blog your heart out-get toasted on Thursdays. There’s something to be said for 9 to 5s after all.

    Later,

    Kelly

  14. Brett Legree Says:

    Kelly,

    Thanks – will keep you posted… though ultimately, the “real me” would be happier doing this:

    http://transitionculture.org/2008/07/09/three-short-films-about-transition-in-new-zealand/

    (check the first video)

    So this will be the ultimate goal… that and writing. I think Nature Boy Friar would enjoy it too.

  15. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    I’ve actually had job offers (Not just at the Widget Factory) but elsewhere. Where I would have been a “Top Gun”..(but also taking my work hom and worrying about it till 2:00 AM, like you said). I knew it was must not me…so I turned them down. And I dont’ regret it one second.

    I like my evenings and weekends free to haiku, blog, or just be Nature Boy. There’s something to be said about that.

    @Brett
    Dunno of you’re coming over to DAF tonight..(I know you Brett-lings might have the sniffles). But come on over if you want to.

  16. mjgolch Says:

    Just thougt I’d pop in from Amy’s site write from home. just to check you out. I hope that you are haveing a good day! That’s my story and i’m sticking to it.!!

  17. Steph Says:

    Friar: Have you ever read Douglas Coupland’s hilarious novels? You remind me of him sometimes. Read Jpod. Or Microserfs. I also loved the Gum Thief. And All Families are Psychotic, but that’s not work related. Anyway, keeping the humour in your frustrations is wise, I think. I commend you. Also, I too liked the egg stanza. I’m so glad you have the water near you and time after to unwind.

    Brett: Eagerly awaiting your news! And what about that thing you and Friar were working on together?

  18. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    I’m going to have to check out those novels (I never head of them). Thanks for the tips!

    I spent the weekend driving around exploring lakes and rivers and the bush. Now I feel just (barely) rejuvenated to be able to survive the coming workweek without going insane.

    I’m really interested to know what Brett’s news is too (He’s been quiet lately, and we haven’t worked on that “project” for a while). We even missed beerz this week.

  19. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    I dropped you an email a couple of minutes ago – yeah, sorry I’ve been doing some other stuff for my “friend” but I’m free tomorrow night. We really must get back to that project this week.

    I have some cold beer to drink, and Monday night’s as good as any…

    🙂

  20. Steph Says:

    Watched Office Space for the first time last night, and I thought of you. You aren’t going to pull a big heist or burn down the Widget Factory, are you, by any chance? LOL!!

    Man, you should get hypnotized. I envied that guy’s relaxation. It was great!

    As a contrast, we also watched Fight Club. We’ve seen it but it’s been a while. Two totally random movies, and the both reminded me of you. Though instead of exercising nihilistic tendencies, you go fish. Fight Club also reminded me of Brett. I found myself recognizing the things Tyler said that Brett’s quoted on his site. The movie gives me such mixed feelings and really sticks with me. I actually paused it and wrote down a couple of things.

    I’ve tried reading Palahniuk’s books because they’re such amazing ideas, but I always get too grossed out or shocked. He’s a weird dude. Fight Club, however, is a good thought-provoker.

  21. Steph Says:

    PS. The thing is, he’s so weird and so interesting, I can’t stay away. I keep trying his books. His characters always have these “major thoughts,” quotable things. And as I said, he’s incredibly thought-provoking. And twisted.

  22. Friar Says:

    I’ll have to probably order in on Amazon or something.

    I dont’ think the local bookstores within a 60 mile radius would have those books!

  23. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    Brett and I both watched Fight Club and Office Space within the past few months.

    I never bothered to see Fight Club when it came out, because I thought it would just be another stupid action-violence dumb-guy movie. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!). But there’s a whole other level to that film that I didnt’ realize. It’s one of my faves.

    As for Office Space, I’ve seen if 3-4 times now and I love it even MORE each time. Especially, how it relates to the Widget Factory. Especially the scene where he was reminded 9 times about the memo. 🙂

    Makes me realize there are LOTS of Widget Factories out there.

  24. Steph Says:

    “Master of grotesque excess”: that’s what Palahniuk is. Just read a review of one of his books. No wonder I can’t finish his stuff.

  25. Eva G. Says:

    Brilliant. I love haiku and office humor. If you haven’t checked it out, you should take a peek at http://www.overheardintheoffice.com

    It’s amazing.

  26. Friar Says:

    @Eva

    Glad you like it.

    Oh, I got LOTS of office humor to write about (I’m supplied with a constant stream of real-life comedic material!). 🙂

    That’s a pretty good link….I’ll have to add that to my favorites list!

  27. Ian Says:

    Hourly Wages
    Fail to pay for gas and tolls.
    Should have stayed at home.


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