Friar’s Random Rants

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If we learn from our mistakes, then I must be the smartest guy in the whole world.

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There’s only three things you need to know to be a Civil Engineer:

Shit Floats.
Water flows down hill.
And you can’t push a rope.

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When people say:

“Oh well, to each their own”,

what they really mean to say is:

“Ewww!!!  How can you possibly LIKE that?”

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I love it when people at conferences say “It gives me GREAT PLEASURE to introduce the next speaker”.

Standing on a podium…

In front of 200 people…

Introducing some obscure academic buffoon…

Who will bore the room to tears with some lame Powerpoint presentation…

If THAT’s what “great pleasure” consists of, then I want none of it.

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Overheard dialogue from two different 1960’s TV shows:

– Woof Woof!
– What’s that, Lassie?  Timmy is trapped down a well on Old Man Anderson’s farm, and there’s a forest fire on it’s way and we only have one hour to save him!?

– Click Clack!
– What’s that, Flipper?   Bud is stranded on Andersons’s Reef, and there’s a hurricane coming and we only have one hour to save him!?

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In the corporate world, a woman’s hair length is inversely proportional to their career progression.

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When people tell you:

“Oh well, different strokes for different folks”

what they really mean to say is:

“Your values and beliefs are just so WRONG!!!”

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If I had access to a Holo-Deck like on Star Trek, where I could create any reality I wanted,  you could be pretty sure that I would NOT be dressing up in 19th-century clothing and re-enacting  a Sherlock Holmes novel.

I think I’d be able to come up with a better fantasy than that.

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A professor once summarized the Second Law of Thermodynamics to our class:

“You can’t run a fridge, unless you plug it in”

That’s an excellent way to describe it, actually.

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If I had a nickel every time I heard (insert quote here), then I’d have $1.45 by now.

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In any given Wallmart store, it must be company policy to have at least one screaming pushcart-kid for every 1000 square feet of floor space.

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They say never forget to be grateful for what you have.

Okay, I’m grateful that when we’re stressed out, we don’t fling our poo around like some of the other apes do.

Imagine how messy the office would get.

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“If you fall off the horse, you have to get right back on it.”

Yeah, but what if I never learned to ride in the first place?

People get KILLED that way, you know.

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“It’s always darkest before the dawn”.

Uhhh…no.

Actually, it’s darkest at midnight (Standard Time), when the sun is 180 degrees opposite the zenith.

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If I see a penny on the ground, I leave it there.

I figure it costs more than $0.01 worth of food calories to bend over and pick it up.

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If what PBS tells me is true, then everyone in Britain is an Upper-Class twit, spending their time wandering about huge estates in tweed jackets, sipping tea, and puffing their cheeks in indignation while being interrogated by the Inspector who’s investigating a “Muuh-Deh”.

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The Brady Bunch lived in a house that was apparently designed by Mr. Brady himself.

Six kids, and one bathroom.

SMOOTH MOVE, DAD.

Who would ever hire such a shitty architect?

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When talking about Gilligan’s Island, guys always ask each other:

“Who would you prefer…Ginger, or Mary-Anne?”

Notice nobody ever picks Mrs. Howell.

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I really like to eat meat.  But not organs or glands (liver, kidneys, tripe, etc).

I just do the voluntary muscle.

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If a screaming kid is driving you crazy, pretend you’re at a zoo.

Pretend it’s a baby monkey acting up, and that this is cute and funny.

I find this helps sometimes.

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They say no matter how bad off you are, to count your blessings, and remember that there are those less fortunate than you.

Like the Lowest Common Denominator Guy.

He’s deaf, dumb, blind, brain-damaged and retarded, with no friends and family, who’s a quadruple amputee with psoriasis and impacted wisdom teeth.

EVERYONE is better off than the Lowest Common Denominator Guy.

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Your horoscope depends on the precise moment you’re born.

So apparently, the only thing protecting an unborn baby against the bad astrological influences of the Universe is the Mother’s uterus and abdominal muscles.

If this is the case, and they know a baby is going to be born under a “bad sign”, they should probably rig some kind of incubator-device lined with meat.

Keep the kid in there, and let him out when the stars are aligned more favorably.

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You know at parties or wedding receptions, when it’s the last song of the night?

And they turn the lights on and the DJ plays “New York, New York”?

And people lock arms and start dancing in a chorus line?

Doesn’t this make you just want to gouge your eyes out and run screaming from the room?

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I say when Life hands you lemons, collect them in a basket, and then chuck them as hard as you can, right back at at Life’s head!

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23 Comments on “Friar’s Random Rants”

  1. Ann Onymous Says:

    “I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.”

    Dr. Seuss

  2. Friar Says:

    @Ann

    Well, I’m very awake right now! 🙂

  3. Brett Legree Says:

    Brett’s random (wine-induced) rant for the evening:

    How come there are shows about cops, and doctors, and so forth – but no shows about nookular engineerz – I mean, come on – surely *someone* would be interested to watch us in our daily fight against the evilness that is procedural chaos.

    🙂

  4. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Yeah, our job is SO INTERESTING, why wouldnt’ anyone want to watch it in real life?

    Ooops. The Microsoft Word template on that procedure is wrong…better UPDATE IT…STAT…!!!

  5. Steph Says:

    Friar: I laughed so hard reading this post, there’s spit on my monitor.

    How’s that for a compliment??

    Seriously, dude, you are awesome!! Keep writing. Please. I love getting into your head like this. It’s so incredible how much there is to a person you’ve never met, isn’t it? I mean, people you meet, well you have all these immediate judgements when you’re in person, so often you don’t bother to find out all the interesting stuff. With nothing but the writing, though, we truly discover who a person is. I love it.

  6. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    AHAHAHAH!

    I never made anyone spit on the monitor before. I’ll take that as the ultimate compliment! 🙂

    More of this to come. (I had no idea I’d be writing this post until yesterday morning).

  7. Kelly Says:

    Dear, dear Friar,

    I shouldn’t read your posts at home. I laugh so loudly I get pounding on the walls. (I haven’t gotten spit on the monitor, though. 😉

    I can’t read your posts at work. I’m Important there, and Important people can not cackle insanely and stay Important for long.

    The library? They have a thing about silence. There is NO WAY to read Friar on a roll in silence.

    I’m thinking of taking the laptop to the car, and seeing if the wireless signal will reach out there. I’ll look like an idiot, but I won’t be disturbing anyone.

    You are adding years to my life with all this laughter. Thanks, man.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  8. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Oh, boy. I got one spitting on the monitor, and another one pounding the walls. I musta wrote a good one this week! 😉

    I guess I’m a frustrated stand-up comic or comedy writer. But at least I have an outlet on my blog and an appreciative audience.

    Hey, writing this stuff is adding years to MY life, as well.

  9. Kelly Says:

    Hehehe. No I don’t pound, the neighbor does. He’s not so appreciative of my tear-streaked laughter. I should tell him about your blog, then we could burst out laughing simultaneously and not bother each other. Sounds kinda dirty….

  10. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Maybe I should make that my Blog tag-line.

    Read it and pound together…!! 🙂


  11. @ Brett – Nookular engineerz? I thought Homer Simpson had that covered. 🙂

    @ Friar – Well, I didn’t spit and i didn’t pound, but I did enjoy. 🙂

    Give Bob some slack. He built the house with three kids in mind, and they were all boys. He was probably figuring they’d have moved into a new house by the time the boys actually started, you know, showering, brushing their teeth, and stuff. Bringing three girls into the equation was a totally accidental, random event for which Bob cannot reasonably be held responsible.:)

    Forget Mrs. Howell. Ever hear anybody in the history of any time ask: “Gilligan or the Professor?” “Captain or the Professor?” “Captain or Gilligan?” — Where was “our” island eye-candy?

    Hey, I go away for a couple of days and come back to a new tag-line. It’s too bad the tags aren’t attached to the posts instead of the title. I don’t know when it changed, or if there’s a clue about why….

  12. Friar Says:

    @April
    Well, I thought about giving Mr. B some slack about the bedroom situation.

    But then I remember, in later episodes, they let Greg move into the extra upstairs room by himself.

    So let me get this strait. All this time, they had an EXTRA ROOM in the house, that nobody was using? And they waited till Greg was 18 until he was allowed to use it?

    What about a spare bedroom in the basement? Never occured to them to put up some dry-wall and make extra living space?

    Even Alice had her own bedroom. Seems the hired help had better accomodiations as the kids.

    By the way, why did they even need a housekeeper? I don’t recall Mrs. B. having a full-time job. What exactly did she DO? (Except unload groceries in the kitchen?

    Oboy, you got me on a rant here 😉

    As for Gilligans Island. Yeah, you gals didnt’ have much eye-candy. By default, the best looking man was the Perfessor and they never showed him with his shirt off (at least we guys got to see Ginger or Mary-Anne in bikinis!).

    By the way, my tags change whenever I get bored with the old one. There’s no clues involved. …it’s totally random.

  13. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    LOL! And you call me the instigator!

    Have we seen this tagline before? I seem to remember thinking it was a good one. Or is my memory-loss reversing and now I remember things that haven’t happened instead of forgetting things that have?

    I liked the Prof. Cute and a geek. But we watched t.v. pretty rarely, so those characters weren’t really my bag at all.

  14. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    Maybe I had used this old tagline before. Or mabye something similar. In my middle-age moments, I dont’ remember such things.

    I hardly read my own taglines, I’m suprised other even people notice when I change them!

    As for Gilligan’s Island, from a strictly platonic, objective point of view, I always thought the Professor was reasonably good-looking. 😉 If I looked like that, I wouldn’t complain.

    I bet you if he wasn’t such a tool, and he made a move for Ginger, she’d go for it!!


  15. @Kelly – Yeah, the professor would win that contest. All in all though, if I had to be trapped on an island with a TV character, I’d probably choose Hawaii with Thomas Magnummmmm.

    @Friar – What! You’re surprised when people notice?! All this time I thought it was a test of attentiveness…. Color me disillusioned. 🙂

  16. Friar Says:

    @April
    Magnum was cool..that show had beaches, fast cars, helicopters, gun and car chases and he always got the gorgeous babes. I loved that show!

    It wasn’t rocket science, but it was 10 times more intelligent than Gilligan.

    @April
    Oh, don’t be so disillusionned. I’m making up this Blogging thing as I’m going along. I really have no idea what I’m doing…;-)


  17. flinging poo like apes?? LMAO….

    Ginger would soooo jump the professor.

    Still laughing….good stuff, you wild man.

  18. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    There were a few shows, where she flirted with him…but he was just too buried in his books to notice.

    Giligan didnt’ seem interested in her at all…he seemed to prefer the Skipper’s company (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) 😉


  19. And that always puzzled me…sheesh…although I guess it was family hour.

    (Hey, I owe you some thanks for jostling my muse with the Magic Time. : ) Really.)

  20. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    Anytime…glad I can kick your muse in the butt, and make them inspire you!

    (Now, if only I can do that with mine!)


  21. I thought all the guys wanted Mrs. Howell! My friends and I have actually evolved that question into a full-fledged game and let me tell you, it can last for hours. Marcia or Jan? P Diddy or Kanye West? Jack Black or David Spade? This would actually be a fun game to play on a blog.

  22. Friar Says:

    @Melissa

    Those are good questions and would make a good blog post. (Though I bet you there’s already a website (or several) completely devoted to the subject.

    Well, I could answer one of those questions. If I was a teenager, definitely Marcia.
    (I wonder how old she was on the show in real life? Towards the later episodes, she definitely was not a kid!)

    As for the other questions, I’ll let you ladies decide! 🙂


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