Friar’s Random Rants (Part II)

****************

When the Bad Guy on TV ties up the Damsel-in-Distress, he always does a lousy job.  But she’ll still sit there helplessly for hours.

And when the Good Guy comes to the rescue, it takes him maybe 2 seconds to loosen the ropes.

Makes you wonder:  was she even TRYING to get free on her own?

Shittiest.  Escape artist.  Ever.

****************

To sound like a stereotypical native-American in the movies, just state the blatantly obvious, and use animal references to make it sound like ancient wisdom.

For example:

“When the wolf feels hunger, it will hunt and eat.   When it has eaten its fill, it will hunger no more”.

Try it.

It helps if you speak slowly, and pause thoughtfully as you say it.

****************

If Bill Gates is such a gazillionaire, why can’t he hire someone to give him a decent hair cut?

He looks like turtle, for Chrissakes.

****************

Forget the genetically-modified corn, radishes, carrots.

Show me plants that can grow pizza, cheeseburgers and chicken wings.

****************

On the cartoon Superfriends, it takes them so much longer to explain how to deal with an on-coming threat, than the time it takes for the actual threat to occur.

Great Mechanical Horrors, Batman!  Those giant robotic horses are galloping straight at us at full speed.  They’ll be here within seconds!  We’ll be trampled!”

“Not if I can help it, Robin.  I’ll tie the Bat-Electromagnet on the end of the Bat-Lasso, and try to magnetize those rail-road tracks over there, which will hopefully cause an electric field that will short-circuit the Horse-robots”

While you’re at it, Batman, why don’t you issue a memo in triplicate?

Shouldn’t those robots have KILLED YOU by now?

****************

The same exact dialogue over heard on every TV fishing show:

– Hey,  Bubba!   I got one!

– Oh, wow. NICE FISH.

– Yeah.  Wow!   That’s a NICE FISH!

– Woo-hooo!  Look at him jump.   What a NICE FISH.

– Get the net ready..there he is…NICE FISH!

– (Picking it up).  Hoooo-Weee.  NICE FISH!

If we ever removed the words “Nice Fish”  from the English language, those shows would perish.

****************

On Star Trek they have transporters that allow them to beam themselves all across the Universe.

Imagine how else they could apply this technology?

What about some kind of biomedical implant that goes in the digestive tract, that collects your waste and beams it somewhere else?

Think about it.  Never having to go to the bathroom again.

Never having to pull over on the side of the road, or getting up in the middle of the night to do your business.

That would be AWESOME.

But where would they transport the waste to ?

Jersey, maybe…?

****************

Quick.  Think of a woman named “Bertha”.

Are you picturing someone slim and attractive?

I didn’t think so.

Me either.

****************

Polly wanna cracker?

Yes.   What a wonderful natural food for a captive bird.

They used to eat crackers in the tropical rain forest EVERYWHERE.

****************

Ladies, at wedding receptions, when the DJ plays that infernal song “Hot Hot Hot “…

And you try to get everyone to join a Conga line…

Please.

For the love of God.

PLEASE…

DO NOT force us men to participate !!!

Just LEAVE US BE.

****************

The laws of entropy dictate that sandwiches lose their taste the second you leave the house.

Try it.  Make a fresh sandwich.  Bring it outside your front door for 2 seconds.   Now walk back inside and take a bite.

You might as well be eating cardboard.

Fuck.   This is why I hate brown-bagging my lunch.

****************

If there was a mutant fungus or plant virus that attacked Lima bean crops world-wide, causing this nasty legume to become extinct…

…well, I wouldn’t exactly be heart-broken, would I?

****************

Oscar the Grouch:  TV’s first homeless person.

No wonder he was in such a pissy mood all the time.

****************

On Three’s Company,  how many times does Janet asks Jack:

“Can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?”

And they go inside and have a big noisy discussion?

And the person in the next room 10 feet away is oblivious and can’t  hear a thing being said?

Geez.  Where can I get an fantastic sound-proof swinging kitchen door like that?

****************

Nobody on Star Trek (The Next Generation) ever talks the way normal people do in everyday life.

The dialogue is so stilted and fake, you might as well be watching a play.

Instead of asking:

“Hey, guys, let’s go down to the pub and pound back a few brewskis.”,

Captain Picard would say something like:

“Number One, Data.  It would delight me if you would accompany me to the Refreshment Facility and partake in a beverage.”

Umm, no thanks.   I think I’d rather read go Plato or something.

****************

I don’t know what’s scarier to look at.

The chimpanzee-pelt hairpiece on top of Donald Trump’s Head.

Or Rosie O’Donnell’s head, all by itself?

(Good Lord, have you seen the SIZE of that thing?)

****************

I’d gladly pay big bucks to see a good entertainer perform live, in concert.

For a mediocre entertainer, I wouldn’t pay money, but if you gave me a free ticket, I’d probably go.

For someone I can’t stand, you would not only have to give me a free ticket, but you’d also have to PAY ME to go see them.

I put Céline Dion into that last category.

****************

Note to the guy at the gym:

Dude.

Working out with your baseball cap on backwards DOES NOT make you look bigger.

But it does drop your IQ by twenty points.

****************

If what the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) tells me is true, no sit-com or drama is worth airing on TV unless it:

a) is British
b) takes place before 1930
c) involves Natives somehow.

****************

Every orthopedic surgeon, by default, must have a shitty bed-side manner.   It’s a prerequisite for med school.

I refer to my last knee specialist as  “Dr. Toaster-Oven”.

Because he had all the warmth and personality of an electrical appliance.

****************

You know those horn-rimmed glasses, that are attached around the neck by a chain?

They give those out to Librarians.

But only after menopause.

****************

Yes, Aquaman.  I realize that you can communicate with fish, and that you’re a respected super-hero…

…but what have you done for me LATELY?

****************

Where did the French-Candian name Réjean come from?

Maybe someone had a baby boy named Jean, and they liked the name so much they decided to re-cycle it when they had a 2nd kid.

****************

If you can somehow manage to eat an entire pound of butter, without drinking any water, the worst you can do is gain one pound.

Seriously.

If you don’t believe me, then don’t believe in the Law of Conservation of Mass, either.

****************

I challenge you to find a woman named “Pearl” or “Blanche” who is less than 65 years old.

I challenge you.

****************

On the Sound of Music,  my favorite part is when that dorky Von Trapp boy sings:

“Adieu, Adieu, to Yieu, and Yieu, and Yieu-eu”

I’ll watch the entire saccharine-sweet movie, just to see that scene.

****************

On Gilligan’s Island, if the Professor wasn’t such a tool, and didn’t have his nose buried in his books so much, I bet you he’d have a chance with Ginger.

****************

Nuns were never little girls or teenagers.

No. They emerged as middle-aged women, when they hatched from Nun-Eggs at the Convent Incubator.

Mother Superior uses her ruler to break the egg shells to help them get out.

****************

When you’re an infant, each additional year is the equivalent of a whole other lifetime.

But when you’re older, each additional year now only represents a small fraction of your life.

So you see, the relative progress of time accelerates as you get older.   Events and milestones will appear to occur more often.

Maybe this explains why Seniors drive so God-damned slowly.

***********

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44 Comments on “Friar’s Random Rants (Part II)”

  1. Brett Legree Says:

    I know a girl named Pearl. She’s 34. And she’s hot.

    🙂

  2. Kelly Says:

    Brett,

    Introduce her to Friar!

    Friar,

    Bertha: My great aunt. She was both slender and pretty, but it was a while before she was 103, and then deceased.

    LOL of course.

    Poor Oscar. I love him. Mostly I’m Kermit (some days, probably Bert), but there are still plenty of days when I am Oscar. He made it okay, when I was a kid, to feel that way. Rock on, grouchy people!

    Not that you’d know anything about that. 😉

    Regards,

    Kelly

  3. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    No way! (I picture someone named Pearl, like one of those polyester ladies I wrote about, a few posts ago).

    Hmm…Kelly’s putting ideas in my head. Is Pearl available?

    @Kelly
    Oh, don’t say that. You’ll shatter my stereotype image of “Big Bertha! 🙂

    I was always a Grover Fan. Especially how (in the early Sesame Street episodes) he’d pester poor Kermit and drive him nuts!

  4. Brett Legree Says:

    Friar,

    I do not believe that Pearl is available. Last I knew, she was married and living in Vancouver. Nice girl though, and very pretty… 🙂

  5. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Now that I think of it, another Pearl that wasn’t an old bat was Spooky the Ghost’s Girl Friend (“Poil”).

    Her and your cousin. That’s about it.

  6. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Grover—like a puppy, somehow, sweet and wagging his tail all the time, always ready for one more goofy stunt. No wonder he drove Kermit nuts—Kermit just wanted to be serious!

    Hehehe. Grover = the Deep Friar. I wonder if anyone’s studied which Sesame Street characters people identify with for psychological meaning. Serious, occasionally too straight-laced for my own good, and a closet grump. Uh-oh, it’s me!

    Incomplete picture. No wisecracking SS characters to identify with.

    Later,

    Kelly

    P.S. Sorry about Pearl. I heard the word “hot” and I got happy for you. Better than Claire…

  7. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    I wish they’d show more of Grover. He kinda got relegated to the B-List the past few years. It’s all about Elmo now.

    Bring back Grover. And Harry. And Oscar.

    Psychological profiling using SS characters. You know, it wouldn’t surprise me if someone somewhere has already done their PhD Thesis on this!

    Too bad about Pearl. But she’s taken (sigh). As all the good ones are.

  8. Ann Onymous Says:

    Friar,

    Weddings–I’m surprised you forgot the Chicken Dance, and YMCA. Or am I dating myself?

  9. Friar Says:

    @Ann

    Nooooo! Not the chicken dance!

    I have memories of a pathetic girl asking me to dance that with her in 1st Year University. It was so bad it scarred me for life. 😦

    YWCA has regained some popularity. It’s so old and cheesy, it’s now gained “Cult status” and people will dance to it again.

    As for the Conga Line, the one issue I have is that they’re not always Boy-Girl-Boy-Girl-Boy-Girl. In large crowds, you end up with sections that are Boy-Boy-Boy.

    And if I had my druthers, I’d rather stay sitting down, drinking beer, than having to join a dance line while grabbing a dude’s butt.

    ….but that’s just me! 🙂

  10. Steph Says:

    As usual, I laughed out loud reading these!! They weren’t all rants (your Sound of Music one, for example), but I love your tidbits all the same.

    I keep thinking, There’s got to be something more he can do with this. You could be a columnist, I’m sure!

  11. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    Well “Random Rants” rolls off the tongue more easily. I could call this “Random Thoughts” but that was already done on SNL.

    If readers keep liking this, and if I collect enough small rants, and I throw in a few cartoons, maybe it could become a book.

    In my humble opinion, I think this is least as good as some of those books you see at Chapters (Not that I’m a superstar, but you gotta admit, the content of some of those best-sellers isn’t all that complicated).

    It’s all about the marketing, I suppose.

  12. Steph Says:

    Yes, marketing is a great deal of it.

    I think you could publish these on a regular basis, get popular (more popular!), and then later collect and put them in a book. It could be a zine you put out regularly, a newspaper for mag column, or a newly designed blog that generates even more traffic…

    And YES, the cartoons would be perfect!


  13. I wonder why no one on Sesame Street ever offered to let Oscar crash with them. He wouldn’t be as grouchy if he had a bed, some running water, and some food! What kind of lesson are we teaching kids about treating the homeless?

    : )

    Now, lay off the lima beans!

  14. Brett Legree Says:

    @Rebecca,

    I think it was a vicious circle. Oscar was stinky because he had no running water, but no one would let him near the running water because he was stinky…


  15. @Brett – LOL. Oscar probably would’ve been good friends with Pig Pen from Peanuts.

  16. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    I’ve love to be like that guy who wrote “Stuff that White People Like”. He started blogging in January. Within three months, he ended up with a $300K book deal from a publisher.

    @Rebecca
    Actually, you brougth up a really good point. What kind of Charity did Gordon or Susan offer? Did anyone ever take him in, insetad letting him live in a GARBAGE CAN?

    And I will never stop bad-mouthing lima beans. Never never never 🙂

    @Brett
    You also wonder, where did Oscar go to the bathroom? Or did he just do it in his can and live in his own filth?

  17. Amy Says:

    Fried One — Remember that orange worm that Oscar had? What was his name? It will drive me crazy until I remember what it was. Also, I did wonder that about Three’s Company, and all other shoes where there is a paper thin swinging door — or someone is having an entirely loud conversation about someone who unknowingly is sleeping on the couch, and that person doesn’t wake up. I always thought I wished I could sleep that soundly, and I wish my apartment had walls like that. I live on the bottom floor, and I can hear the woman’s cat on floor three when it jumps off the bed. Really. It’s not a fat cat either. Oh, and I think crazy wedding dances/line dances/etc should be outlawed. By the time you get done doing the chicken dance, the conga and the limbo your back is broken. How is that good for the honeymoon? I am all for beaming my urine to jersey. I have the worst bladder in the world.

  18. Amy Says:

    P.S., what is wrong with lima beans??????????

    (I am off to eat a pound of butter now.)

  19. Brett Legree Says:

    @Rebecca,

    Exactly! Oscar and Pig Pen could be flat mates.

    @Friar,

    Oscar knew Captain Kirk (not Picard, that wuss) personally, and Kirk always got Scotty to beam his waste to Jersey…

    @Amy,

    There’s nothing wrong with lima beans – and enjoy the butter. Though you won’t enjoy the results…

    Don’t beam the urine away though. I’ve read that we (humanity) have extracted nearly all of the phosphorous we can reach from the earth, and we still need it to manufacture things. There are toilets available in Europe that collect the phosphorous from your pee… and then companies pay you for it!

    (but you still have to say, eww…)

  20. Friar Says:

    @Amy
    You and your Lima beans..you and Rebecca both!
    (Shudder). I hate those nasty things. Legumes of the AntiChrist! 😦

    Gee…I don’t really remember Slimey the Worm (I can’t remember the last time I saw Oscar…). It’s been a while. I checked out your link….it dosen’t ring any bells.

    @Brett
    I think I’d gladly hang out with Kirk. Picard looks like he has a big rod stuck up his arse.

    Never new that about Phosphorous. Are we running out? I bet you we could mine it from Lake Erie with all the phosphate detergent that got dumped in there.

  21. neyellen Says:

    Friar,

    How about stuff Canadians like? Have you seen the blog Stuff that God Hates? That’s pretty good.

  22. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    No, I’m going to have to check out that Blog. Stuf God Hates, eh? Heheheh.

    I could come up with things that Canadians like….but I might want to Google it…I would suspect its’ been done before.

  23. Amy Says:

    Brett — Recycling pee? Sounds like a good business opportunity for you, with all those blondies. 🙂

  24. Amy Says:

    P.S. if anyone ever needs to recycle rabbit turds, I’m set. 😀

  25. Brett Legree Says:

    Amy,

    I could have used 50 or 60 pounds of rabbit turds at work this week. Would that count as recycling?

  26. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    Rabbits recycle their poo, quite nicely on their own. (Actually I lost quite a bit of respect for them once I read that)….

    @Brett
    I sympathize. I can just imagine, having a bag full of those rabbit turds at a meeting. Anything someone says something stupid (which is about every 10 seconds), I’d chuck a pellet at their head!

    It might actually help the meeting go smoother, I’d think.

  27. veredd Says:

    “was she even TRYING to get free on her own?”

    I guess women really do want to be saved.

    Sad, yet funny. I like this post.

  28. Friar Says:

    @veredd

    ….well, it seems the women on TV-land are helpless victims, and can’t do a thing on their own unless a man rescues them.

    (I know this is true, because the Idiot Box tells me so!) 🙂

    Whenever they (rarely) show a Damsel in Distress actually fighting back, I’m cheering for her. (It’s a nice change).


  29. Your fishing show dialogue had me laughing out loud. It’s so true. But seriously, what else are they going to say? My pet peeve….why do they insist on interviewing hockey players. PLEASE for the love of all that is holy DO NOT interview hockey players. “Ummm. ya, we ummm gave it 150%, and ummm, but the other team, ummmm, gave it their all, and ummm, we just need to rally in the locker room, and ummmm pull together and ummmm, come out fighting”

  30. Friar Says:

    @Urban Panther

    I”m a fisherman, and I admit (not unlike a car-crash when you can’t help but look) I WILL watch those shows. But it’s true…what else can they say?

    The Bass-Masters are not exactly Poets or PhD’s. (Neither are hockey players).

    I hate it when they interview kids, for the “Aww, cute” factor.

    They might have an news segment on Global Warming, for example, and they’ll have an 8 year old in front of the TV reporter:

    “Ummm….pollution is bad. Maybe we should try to…ummmm…make things cleaner, so that the birds don’t get…umm…sick”.

    Kid. You’re eight. You’re not fully educated yet. You don’t pay taxes. WHO CARES what you think? 🙂

  31. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Stuff that Ellen likes:

  32. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    LOL! Oh, man, that is just BIZARRE! (Especially the Lord of the Rings!)

  33. Brett Legree Says:

    Here’s one of my favourite “weird” videos.

    (Don’t worry, it’s not “metal”. I could give you a few weird metal videos too. But this one is cool.)

  34. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Oh, MAN….!!

    WHERE do you find such stuff?

    (I wouldnt’ even know how to look for that on You Tube if I tried!)

    PS. Go easy with the “metal” videos. You’ll frighten away the ladies! 🙂

  35. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Brett, I like it. Especially the eyeball. Yeah, how do you find this stuff?

  36. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    I’ve known Brett for years, but he never stops surprising me.

    One thing for sure..he’s definitely not “Mainstream”.

  37. Brett Legree Says:

    Ellen,

    Glad you enjoyed it. I guess I’ve always liked music that makes me think, either due to the lyrics, or song structure. So if the words are simple (or there are no words), then I like music with interesting beats.

    YouTube is a great resource for this sort of thing because of the “related videos” feature. I admit I wasn’t really into the electronic stuff until a few years ago, but thanks to the internet, my tastes really expanded. There is a lot of really neat stuff out there.

    Whatever I listen to has to evoke strong feelings – and so, depending on how I feel, the music could be stuff like this, or Pink Floyd, or the most extreme metal you’ve ever heard. But it certainly won’t be boring 🙂

  38. neyellen Says:

    Brett,

    I will have to devote a blog to the non mainstream.

    I like electronic music. Have you heard Hearts of Space, Universe Sampler? That’s good music. It puts you in another dimension.

    I like music that makes me think, too. I like anything that makes me think for that matter.

  39. neyellen Says:

    I mean a post.

  40. Brett Legree Says:

    Ellen,

    A post or a blog dedicated to the non-mainstream would be equally great! No, I’ve not heard that – I’ll have a look now on YouTube. I started many years ago with heavily synthesized stuff like Jean Michel Jarre, but didn’t really branch out until about three years when I found Kraftwerk, and then went to some really offbeat stuff like Aphex Twin. Then I started listening to some of the harder trance music from Europe. Great stuff in the car!

    (Just got back from YouTube – Hearts of Space is pretty cool.)

    -Brett

  41. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    Awww…I’m too burnt out listen to stuff that makes me think. I just wanna be entertained.

    I used to want to think a lot more…but somewhere between my final year of grad skule and a few stressful jobs, I think I must have blown a gasket or something.

    But, hey, I like to read the discussion you and Brett are having…:-)


  42. I always thought Ginger had the hots for the professor but he wanted Mary Ann. And didn’t Gilligan like Mary Ann? Aw, I miss that show!

  43. Friar Says:

    @Melissa

    I thought there always was some sexual tension between Ginger and the Professor, but he was always too oblivious to take the hint.

    Same thing for Gilligan and Mary Ann. You know that she liked him….but he was also too stupid to clue in. He treated her like a kid sister.

    You just wanted to smack them both (The Professor and Gillilgan…). Guys…Two great looking women, throwing themselves at you…..and you do NOTHING?

    HEL-LOOO! Anyone Home, McFly?

    I think the last time I saw that show was on an airplane. (Actually, I prefer re-runs of the old sit-coms to the crappy movies they show).


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