Wedding Tips from a Cynical Bachelor

Stick to the three-month rule for the wedding ring
Somewhere along the line, some genius (probably from the jewelry industry) decided that the price of a wedding ring should equal three months salary.   And people have been swallowing up this urban myth ever since, as if it were Gospel Truth.

Of course, they didn’t specify whether this applied to someone earning $20,000 a year, or $200,000 a year.   Just pay three months salary, regardless.

Theoretically, you could use that money to buy useless things.  Like a down-payment on your new house together.  The 2nd car.  A Honeymoon in Hawaii.  Or even help pay for the wedding itself.

But instead, prioritize.  It’s important that you invest all your extra cash in a tiny sliver of crystalline carbon mounted in soft yellow metal.

If your future hubby truly loved you, he’d feel the same way.

Schedule your wedding during the best weekend of the summer
Never mind that you have the entire year from which to pick a wedding date.  Never mind that you’re gong to spend 95% of the day indoors.

It’s important that you get married during the precious weeks of June/July/August,  at precisely the moment everyone else wants to be at the cottage or the beach.

GOD FORBID, should you schedule your wedding in April or November.   You could die.   This is just NOT DONE.

Just remember.   There’s nothing people enjoy more than spending a beautiful summer day stuck indoors, wearing uncomfortable itchy clothing and baking in 95 degree heat.

Give yourself bonus points if you schedule the wedding on a long weekend.

Triple Bonus if the reception hall isn’t air conditioned.

Make it a Catholic Wedding, if you can
Churches are rarely air conditioned.  So Hooray!  Now you can extend the sweltering wedding ceremony to a full hour by throwing in an entire Catholic Mass, to boot.

For the Catholic guests, this is fine.  At least they’ll they know how to follow along.

But the non-Catholic guests might have problems keeping up with the priest playing Simon-Says.

Stand up.  Sit down.  A letter from St. Paul to the Crustaceans.  Sit down.  Stand up.  Kneel.  Stand up…etc.

But at least they get to watch everyone else eat the wafer.

Obsess.  And assume everyone gives a shit
The color of the table cloths.  The design of the salt and pepper shakers.  The shoes the ushers are wearing.  The Easter-egg pastel shade of the bridesmaids’ dresses.

There are hundreds of these details to worry about.  And if you think some of these might be trivial…DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT!

My God!!  Haven’t’ they told out about the Double-Secret Probation Checklist that everyone will be filling out at the reception?    Don’t you know that all your friends and relatives will be monitoring and recording each and every nano-detail for the entire day?

Later, everyone will meet in an undisclosed location, and they’ll be comparing notes with each other.  You’ll then be assigned a Wedding Grade that will go on your PERMANENT RECORD.  It will follow you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE and will determine how your peers judge and treat you.

So you better think twice, and start choosing more carefully, when it comes to the flowers for the bouquet, or the style of the limo driver’s necktie.

Because you’ll never know…

Make it a Fruit Cake
Regarding the wedding cake, forget what everyone likes (i.e. chocolate cake or angel-food).  Go with the crappy fruit cake.

There is NOTHING more appetizing than a raisin-encrusted quasi-edible brick.

Except when the same raisin-encrusted quasi-edible brick is smothered with $1200 worth of  fancy white icing.

Yum.

If your guests don’t like it, they can always send their portion to NASA, where it  can be used as a re-entry tile for the Space Shuttle.

Assume Every Memento will end up in the Smithsonian
This is the most important day of your life.   So obviously, it’s your guests’ most important day of their life, too.

So don’t skimp on ANYTHING.   Everything must be as complicated and expensive as possible.

Wedding invitations, for example.

Sure, you could order the store-bought ones that just specify the time, date, and place.  But that would be TOO EASY.

Instead (seeing as how you have copious amounts of free time), why not do it yourselves?

Invest in a paper-making workshop, and fabricate your own poppy-seed gilded rose petal paper at $50 a sheet.   Then take a calligraphy class 6 months beforehand, so you can hand-write the invitations in Gothic manuscript that would put Gregorian Monks to shame.

Never mind that this will take you 1500 hours.  It’s worth it, for the 30 seconds that it will take your guests to read the invitation to find out where the church is.

After the wedding, I’m pretty sure everyone will treasure these mementos of your Special Day, and frame them over their mantelpiece, to cherish for decades to come.

The same things applies to those 250 lovingly-wrapped doily-covered pieces of wedding cake that each guests takes home.   Into the Time Capsule with those.

Make sure the DJ sticks to the tried-and-true formula
Wedding By-Law 102 (Paragraph b) dictates that the following songs MUST be played at each reception.

Lady in Red.
Footloose.
New York, New York.
Shout.
You Make a Grown Man Cry.
Mambo Number 5.

Also, don’t forget:

Hot-hot-hot (so all the women can form a Conga Line and force their reluctant husbands and boyfriends to join in ).

Mony Mony (so that the DJ can turn off the speaker at the precise moment, allowing the younger audience to yell out about mothers’ companions having intimate relations with each other…)

The Bird Dance (make sure everyone is pleasantly sloshed before you play this).

The Macarena (It’s always a pleasure to see middle-aged overweight dance provocatively in sausage-skin tight pantsuits)

Crank the Volume after 11:00 PM to Drive the Seniors Away
Wedding receptions give families the chance to catch up with long-lost relatives and friends they haven’t seen in years (if not decades).  But this can only be allowed for a couple of hours.

To prevent any further conversations or family bonding to take place, have the DJ crank up the speakers to 120 decibels and play really bad Hip-Hop music.

This will drive the older crowd in droves.  The added bonus is that this allows the 20-something yuppie suburban white kids to pretend they’re part of “The Hood” as they “get down” with the music.

(Well, it was past Aunt Matilda and Grampa Yårgen‘s bedtime, anyway!)

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70 Comments on “Wedding Tips from a Cynical Bachelor”

  1. Karen JL Says:

    I’m definitely missing the bride gene (or I’m just getting old). I could have written most of this post Friar.

    You forgot about having all the bridesmaids dress up in tacky, expensive, matching dresses that they would never be caught DEAD in anywhere else!

    I could really give a damn about having one of ‘those’ weddings. IF I ever do decide to get hitched, it will be barefoot on a Hawaiian beach (or at least wearing white sneakers) with a few friends.

    All that bridezilla wedding crap makes me ill. It’s like *all* they care about is the wedding and not the actual marriage. It’s cool if you want the big affair, but ladies geez, relax and stop obsessing over stupid stuff!

    …rant complete. 🙂

  2. spdd Says:

    Pretty funny!! I loved it.

  3. Ann Onymous Says:

    The latest wedding trend, is to celebrate it at some exotic resort abroad, where all guests stay at the same hotel. It could be held in Europe, Mexico, Cyprus, Caribbean Islands, etc. The bride and groom often exchange their vows while standing barefoot on the beach.

    My neighbours attended a family wedding in the Dominican Republic in June. Why June, especially in the hot humid tropics? Who knows? Cheaper prices? Perhaps the bride had to be a traditional “June Bride”.

    If guests have to go to the expense of attend a wedding in the Caribbean, it would make sense to hold it in mid-winter. At least it could become a great vacation to get away from the snow and cold of North America.

  4. Friar Says:

    @Karen JL
    It’s pretty rare for a women to be missing the Bride Gene…you’re a rare exception. But that’s a Good think.
    I hear ya…I’ve been to enough friends’ weddings to see how stressed out people get (especially the BrideZilla) over the most mundane details. Like…WHO CARES?

    Heh heh. I was almost going to write about the horrible tacky bridesmaids dresses (which are designed that way on purpose to make the bride look better). I wouldn’t color my Easter Eggs with those tones! Ugh.

    It’d love to go to a wedding in Hawaii (if they paid for my airfare, of course).

    @ spdd:
    Thanks! (Are you a bachelor, or a someone like Karen missing the Bride Gene?)

    @Ann
    Well, going to a wedding in the Caribbean or Cyprus would be great. But then that forces the guests to book their own vacation time on a trip they otherwise woudlnt’ have taken, or can’t necessarily afford.

    If they’re close immediate family members, maybe. But flying overseas so that lost lost Cousin Fyorgen can attend the cermony and talk to you for a whole 5 minutes? Hardly seems worth it.


  5. Very well said, Friar!

    In the grand scheme of things, your wedding day is just one day in the lifetime of your marriage. Maybe if couples focused more on their marriages and less on their weddings, there’d be fewer divorces (I figure since I’ve been married 5 years now I can give marriage advice – LOL).

    In defense of summer brides: We only got married in August because my husband is a teacher and it was the only part of the year that he could get time off from work.

    You forgot one must-play wedding reception song: “Brick House” (ugh).

    (Fruit cake at a wedding? Seriously??)

  6. Friar Says:

    @Rebecca

    Yep. I’ve seen fruit cake. Not too often, but it happens.

    As for August weddings, at least you have an excuse, with your husband being a teacher.

    You know what else bugs me? Is people who’ve been living together for 7 years, they already have a house and 2 kids. And they STILL insist on the big ceremony, like it’s a first-time event, and we’re supposed to celebrate and get all excited.

    I know one couple like this…and they requested no gifts, just cash. Makes you wonder…maybe they were just in it for the money.


  7. Friar: It seems that weddings have different meanings for different couples: Some do it for the money, some for their families, some for themselves — oh, and some do it for love 😛

    PS: screw fruit cake. we served chocolate wedding cake with ice cream, hot fudge, and strawberries!

  8. Friar Says:

    @Rebecca

    …Hey, that sounds like MY KIND of wedding! (Mmmmm…cake and ice cream…hot fudge..strawberries…DRoooool….). 🙂

    One of the best ones I went to was a friends’ 2nd wedding. Since both spouses were on their 2nd marriage, they had a quiet church ceremony with immediate family only.

    The reception was an informal BBQ in their back yard with lots of pizza and beer, for all the friends. We got to relax, and hang around in our shorts and tank tops, and drink and party.

    Best. Reception. Ever.

    I wish more were like that.

  9. Steph Says:

    Woohoo!! I did NONE of those things. On June 15, 2002, we got married in my in-law’s backyard, under a tent, immediate family only. Two of my sisters were the bridesmaids and wore whatever they felt most comfy in. (They looked lovely.) I rented my dress for peanuts and gladly gave it back when I was done. I didn’t get a cake, but the wife of one of the two groomsmen made one as a surprise. After the hilarious ceremony, which was interrupted several times by close-by trains and people speaking out and my sister thinking she lost my hubby’s band and having to run into the house to see if she left it there (it was on her thumb the whole time!), we all changed into summer clothes and had a bbq. It rained during the ceremony (nice rain sound on the tent) but stopped right after. Everything was AWESOME.

    The engagement ring was bought from The Bay, one day a month before we were married, while shopping for a housewarming gift for my sister. I went into another store and he joined me minutes later and said, you think maybe it’s time I get you a ring? It was not the one either of us really wanted but was what we could afford at the time. The best part? The ring came with a free soccer ball.

    (Okay, I have a new set altogether now, presented me last year when we renewed our vows to each other after a particularly rough time, and it was ridiculously expensive… but I wasn’t going to tell him to return it!!)

  10. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    Hahahah! That’s hilarious! Sounds like it was a great time.

    (sigh). Why can’t I ever go to weddings like that?

    By the way…the soccer ball is a great touch! (Actually, I’d be more interested in THAT than the ring!) 🙂

  11. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    LOL. You are a cynical one, for sure.

    I did the quiet private thing. We called it a semi-elopement, since everyone knew we were running away. I didn’t want the fuss of my Irish Catholic family descending on me in droves with “advice” and all the rest. I did have an ultra-fabulous dress, though. 🙂

    You know what? When I do it again (Brett hates when I say “if”), I want the fuss. I’m a designer, I don’t turn into Godzilla over details, but I enjoy sweating them. I like the pleasure I give others when things are just so. I’m more mature now and I can tell family to buzz off more than I could when I was a blushing 25-year-old. But there’s gonna be some fuss. Yup.

    Not one of the songs you listed will be played, though. Eeek!

    Shhh–my sister got married at Christmas. This beats summer for stupidest time to get married, unless, of course, you and everyone you know don’t celeolbrate Christmas. I had a friend who got married on New Year’s Eve. Same stupidity.

    Regards,

    Kelly

    P.S. Fruitcake is the traditional groom’s cake. It’s supposed to bring good luck or something. Eat the big cake and you’re safe.


  12. Outside with pizza and beer? Now that sounds like a fun wedding reception!

  13. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    I wasn’t sure how this post would be received. Most of my audience are women (and without trying to sound sexist) they’re more into the wedding arrangements than the guys.

    Glad you liked it, though. Who cares if I’m cynical? (Hey, I gotta be the Friar, right?) 🙂

    If you like the wedding fuss, hey, by my guest..! (It’s just the Bridezillas that I have problems with…the ones who drag everyone else into their Stress-Spiral). 😦

    Okay..a wedding at Christmas or New Years. ….DUHHHHH. You’re right. STUPIDEST…TIME….EVER. (Especially trying to book flights and such).

    PS. I will NEVER eat fruitcake. No sir. No how. Nobody can make me. Not even at gunpoint.

  14. Friar Says:

    @Rebecca

    Yeah, that was one of the best weddiing parties ever).

    (Except those from my best friends and immediate family, of course, in case they’re reading this!) 🙂

    Actually, my sister’s wedding wasn’t that great for me. I had injured my knee playing soccer a few days earlier. At reception, my Anterior Cruciate Ligament finally gave way (I did a spectacular fall in front of everyone, as my knee bent..SIDEWAYS!). I still get squeamish thinking about it.

    Of course, nobody was available to take me home (it was a family wedding). I spent the entire reception propped up on a chair, getting drunk and watching everyone else dance and have fun.

    Oh well. At least it was memorable. 🙂

  15. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Stress is why I avoided it the first time (and what we did was as romantic and as beautiful as humanly possible–completely unforgettable w/o the stress), but I know me better than that now, and stress is definitely not part of my nature.

    Fruitcake–maybe it’s for fertility. Have to Google it later, ‘cuz it’s bugging me now that I can’t remember.

    Yes, but don’t tell my sis that I said so. Not only do folks have to drop their plans for you, but forever in the future, at the time when you are strapped for cash and time and memory, you’re supposed to think of them, too. (Hello, anniversaries on/near major holidays is like asking to be forgotten about!) Ugh.

    Later,

    Kelly

  16. Brett Legree Says:

    Of course they were in it for the money!

    Having had the big traditional wedding, which actually was stress free for us – it all depends on how the people planning it behave, I think – a nice dinner at a golf & country club in Oakville with an open bar cost us $105 per plate. Just thought I’d throw in my 2 cents as folks who haven’t had the big ceremony might not know how much this costs.

    Though there is no obligation for a guest to bring a gift, if you go to one of these things and bring a Tupperware set as a gift, you’ve just added your name to the cheapskate list… 🙂

    Note – I’m not disagreeing with you here – I enjoyed *our* big fancy wedding very much, but most of the ones I’ve been to have pretty much sucked.

    -Brett

  17. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    Another thing I don’t really enjoy is being in the wedding party and having to shell out $$$ to pay for the suit or tux or whatever you’re supposed to wear. And then give a gift and pay for the motel for the weekend, etc. It can add up to $500 a weekend, and if you have 2-3 weddings a summer, it adds up.

    It’s not so bad if you have a good job, but if you’re student or strapped for cash, it hardly seems fair.

    Thankfully, almost everyone I’m related to or am friends with has been married and/or remarried. I don’t see any weddings on the horizon in the near future.

    @Brett

    That one wedding I was telling you about…a friend of mine hadn’t heard from the groom in 15 years. They never were that close in the first place. Yet she was still asked to come (and bring money).

    Of course, not all weddings are like this. But that example just speaks of CASH GRAB.

    PS. I’m GLAD you enjoyed your own wedding! (What would your wife say if you didn’t?) 🙂

  18. Deb Says:

    Thank goodness I married my daughter off before this list came out. But seriously they had a wonderful day and stayed well within budget (she gets her cheap but chic bent from me) and people still talk about how much fun they had and the wedding was 5 years ago.

  19. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Good ones. That about sums it up. Then funny thing is I was the one who wanted to elope and come back and have a party to cash in on the cash. Makes sense, doesn’t it? But no, we had to have the BIG wedding which I didn’t want in the first place. And guess who got to plan it all?

    I’m glad I’m never getting married again because I wouldn’t do ALL that again.

  20. Friar Says:

    @Deb

    All those little details people worry about are so inconsequential (especially to the male guests).

    For example, how many of us can remember what color the tablecloths were at our last wedding? Or what was the first song the DJ played?….what type of flowers were in the bouquet? …Anyone?

    Personally, I don’t think I’ve saved ONE single wedding invitation or piece of fruitcake. I never intended to throw anything out…things just got “filed away” and eventually got lost.

    Glad to hear your daughters wedding went well, though. Sounds like you did things right and people had fun. That’s really all that matters, when it comes down to it.

  21. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    My friends almost did that. When they got married, one of the Dads offered them $5000 if they’d elope. (But they opted for the wedding instead).

    Personally, I’d have taken the cash! 🙂

  22. Karen JL Says:

    Some of the weddings mentioned here sound awesome! Like anything else, it’s a personal thing. If you weren’t stressed out and you and your guests had a blast, that’s what matters.

    I think I just outgrew the need for ‘the wedding’. I like the idea of having the small beach thing, then a fun casual party when you get back so your friends don’t have to shell out too much.

    …and fruitcake is the devil’s dessert. I think they have it because it never spoils and you can keep it forever. Aren’t you supposed to eat it on your first anniversary or something too? Ugh, give me chocolate and ice cream any day! 🙂

  23. Brett Legree Says:

    Friar,

    Yeah, I got one of those invites – not even a real invitation, but a colour photocopy. Nice.

    Sure. I’m going to come to your wedding after not hearing from you for years, and getting the invite two days prior to the wedding…

  24. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Because I hate when I can’t remember stuff, I did the search:

    Groom’s cake: “The [fruitcake] is symbolic of fertility and abundance.”

    Keeping a piece of the main cake: “One tradition is that a bride who keeps a piece of her wedding cake will have a loving and faithful husband,”

    or this one if you prefer—

    “The top layer of the wedding cake is called the “christening cake” which the couple is saves for the baptism of their first child.”

    I haven’t been to a wedding where everyone was given a piece to take home, just the bride and groom at the ones I’ve been to.

    I think I’m doing my research WAY too far in advance, LOL. First I need a dude I want a second date with.

    Later,

    Kelly

  25. Ann Onymous Says:

    Fruit Cake Tradition??.

    My brother saved the small top tier of his wedding fruit cake to be served at his first child’s Christening. He had carefully wrapped the cake in foil and stored it in a cool storage spot in the basement.

    The day of the Christening he brought out the precious wedding cake. The hard icing was still intact, but over two+ years the mice had eaten away and hollowed out the inside. Rodents had quite a feast.

    Lots of laughter ensued.

  26. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    Yeah, I’m like you. I outgrew weddings. There was a bunch of them in my late 20’s-early 30’s. Now they’ve all petered out, Thank God.

    Next round, will be for nieces/nephews, and I’ll be one of the “Seniors”. Ugh.

    @Brett
    Hahahah! A color photocopy! Glad to see they spared no expense! (You were probably a “filler guest” because some of the A-listers cancelled).

    I hope you didn’t go. 😉

    @Kelly
    It figures…the entire day is mainly for the bride. And the ONE thing they reserve for the groom….is the shittiest type of cake is available. 🙂

    As for the Christening Cake…see Ann’s comment (Below).

    @Ann

    There ought to be a law, about storing pastry for more than 1 year.

    Hahah! That says something about how tasty the icing was, if the rodents left it alone (The same rodents who will eat thru copper pipe!) 🙂

  27. spdd Says:

    No, I’m not a bachelor, the exact opposite, but i I’m in the wedding business… so appreciate what you wrote.

  28. Friar Says:

    @Spdd

    Glad I could provide some input (however you might take it). I’m just relieved the ladies aren’t storming my house with burning torches and pitchforks! 🙂

    Just be aware, that I’m a cynical bachelor, and I’m generally a big smart-ass when I blog.

    So take my comments with perhaps just a few grains of salt! 🙂

  29. wendikelly Says:

    OK Friar,

    I broke your Aug rule because we needed someone who could watch our kids for a week while we went to Ireland for our honeymoon. That was the week she could. Sorry about that ( Not so much, Ireland was awesome) We celebrate our One year Anniversasry on the 25th. We had around 80 people and planned it in four months. Enough time to get the job done and not enough time to become a Godzilla. I picked a certian shade of blue for the bridesmades dresses and then let the girls pick out any style they wanted and surprise me. It was fun to see what they chose, they were all happy, spent whatever was in their own budget ( I’m not even sure what they each did, some of them went shopping on their own in differet states) I picked wildflowers for the flowers and I am happy to say not one of those songs or anything like them were allowed to be played. At midnight the dance floor was still crowded and almost no one had left when they turned off the lights. Oh…Chocolate cake…no wierd filling, white icing. We had a blast…BEST TIME EVER. Oh…and for our Bacheler/Bachelerette party we went to the race track all day and then came back and hade a big cook out and bon fire and drinks in the back yard. Way too much fun.

  30. Friar Says:

    @RJ Keller
    Thanks! And I appreciate the Link Love! 🙂

    @Wendi

    Gee….all you ladies are talking about these FUN weddings that you’ve had. I must be hanging out with the wrong crown or something, because your parties are way better than most of the ones I’ve been too.

    I think it’s impossible NOT to have a good time when there’s chocolate cake! 🙂


  31. Way too funny. I attended my first Catholic wedding when I was 9 months pregnant AND it was 95 degrees. My husband (at the time) was muttering beside me “Jesus Christ, these people go up and down more times than a toilet seat!” He forbid me to follow the up and down ritual fearing an untimely baby delivery.

    For my own wedding my mother forced me to make my own fruit cake. I HATE candied fruit, and thereby, fruit cake. I think it was her way of getting back at me for ageeing to marry him in the first place. Turns out she was validated, but that’s a whole other story.

  32. Steph Says:

    GAk! I love how the conversation’s gone but I hate having missed out on so much of it. Seriously, one must do nothing all day in order to stay with the conversation…

    I forgot about music. Didn’t have any!

    I generally think of wedding ceremonies the same way you do, Friar. Can’t stand ’em for the most part, but I don’t want to not celebrate the hugest decision people make. It’s just that I find it tedious the way most people do it. I’m all about breaking from tradition.

    My little sis was married in the Trinity College Chapel in TO, and it was a very beautiful Anglican service, altered to cater to everyone. What I loved best was their more or less stand-up reception at the No Regrets Lounge, with live jazz band and open bar and servers walking about with sweet potato fries and pad thai and fun things in boxes to eat. It characterized the two of them brilliantly. They hang out there and were friends with the owners and it was casual and great for actually mingling, catching up with and talking to relatives, rather than being seated at tables and being so…formal.

    I guess I just love when people really put their own stamp on their day, and I don’t mean changing the napkin colour or party favours from what is normally done. Rebecca was right: the marriage is the most important part, not the day you won’t totally remember. I’m not saying big or big and expensive weddings aren’t special for certain people, and I know they are mostly done with the fun of the guests in mind as well, but I personally prefer simple and fun and different. In the end some weddings are so impersonal.


  33. Hahaheee! You’re so funny Friar. It’s almost like I was sitting here thinking about weddings and you read my mind. Not surprising, considering I’m the Cynical Bachelorette. But I have to say, the only song I hear at every wedding is Shout, and when the men in their tuxes and suits get on the floor and writhe around to that song, I feel embarrassed for them. As for Footloose, I’ve only heard that at one wedding (and I’ve been to a lot of weddings). Man, I danced my ass off! I LOVE THAT SONG!

    But you know what I love even more? When they crank up the hip hop at 11 p.m. That’s when wild Melissa comes out to play 😉


  34. Oh, and try being a maid of honor, not once but TWICE. Not only is there the big expense of the dress, shoes, hairdo, and makeup… Plus the wedding gift and umpteen gifts for bridal showers. You also get to throw a shower and a bachelorette party.

    Bridesmaid getup: $329
    Gifts for the happy couple: $249
    Hosting a shower and bachelorette party: $995

    The scream heard when the credit card bill arrives: priceless

  35. Friar Says:

    @Urban Panther

    The funny thing is…I was raised Catholic, and I assumed this is what EVERYONE did at Church! It wasn’t until years later, I realized that other denominations didnt’ require you to play Simon Sez.

    Sorry to hear about how the fruit cake didn’t work out (among other things). It’s that DAMNED CAKE, I tell ya! Nothing good ever comes out of fruit cake. 😦

    @Steph
    Yay! Another person who agrees with me. I makes me wonder…mabye more people hate weddings than we realize. The whole wedding ceremony might be a huge conspiracy theory. Like you HAVE to have a wedding a certain way, because the wedding magazines say so. Which are published by the wedding industry.

    As for expensive weddings, the amount of fun you have is inversely proportional to the income of the parents, I find,.

    @Melissa
    Well, if I ever get invited to a wedding again, maybe I’ll ask you to be my date, and we can be the Cynical Bachelor/Bachelorette together.

    Actually, I used to like Footloose, except that it’s been overplayed at weddings so much, I can’t stand it anymore.

    All that expense for being a maid of honor. OUCH. When you have to buy a $300 stupid dress you wear only once, they should exempt you from buying a gift. That ain’t right!

  36. Brett Legree Says:

    Hey, I like fruit cake.

    And the amount of fun you have at a traditional wedding, is up to you. If you absolutely detest them, the little ticky box on the invitation that says “Will not attend” is always available… 🙂

  37. Brett Legree Says:

    PS – you around tonight? Could do with a beer… 😉

  38. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    I’ve been to weddings where the waiters serve the fancy hors d’oeurvere on tray like the movies, where to folks are rich. And it’s stuffy and boring.

    Meanwhile, the cheap weddings (at the legion hall with pizza slices) have been some of the most fun.

    Oh well. If the folks are rich, chances are it’s an open bar and you can use the night as an excuse to get hammered for free! 🙂

    Yep…I’m around tonight. I even bought Beerz just in case.

    Pop by anytime..If I’m not in, just make yourself at home. I’m just at Giant Tiger buying munchies or something.

  39. Steph Says:

    Brett: I agree about the amount of fun. I don’t like weddings much at all, but the last one I went to, well, I had a blast! And it was actually during the one of the worst times in my life. My husband and I were going through a very huge misunderstanding and he was there as well. My friend said she never knew anything was going on. She is my best friend and I guess I was just, well, I’m here for her. I’m going to have a great time for her! And for me. I sucked up the wedding shower, dress, shoes, hair, makeup, gift, and everything else costs ( I was the maid of honour) because it would have been selfish not to. I did everything for her that I could and went with her everywhere. We made it fun. And you know what? I’ve no regrets. She was utterly thankful and we are better friends for it. Sometimes we have to put our hang-ups aside (I never wanted to be a bridesmaid let alone maid of honour because I used to have panic attacks and because I didn’t like weddings but I said yes to her, a first) and do things for others. I know this is awfully Timmy-sounding, but sometimes we are surprised by how great things are when we do!

    Also, my parents didn’t pay for a thing. They’d spent a fortune flying here from Malta (where they live)!

    Oh, you guys are so awesome, I love that you get together for beerz. 🙂 I hope everything is going well for both of you! I miss you when you’re not posting, or chatting chez moi!

  40. Kimberly Says:

    The whole theme of my wedding was “whatever”. I let my bridesmaids chose their own dresses, I let my mom pick out a cake (since it didn’t matter to me what kind), though I did pick a pretty dress. It wasn’t that I didn’t care; I just thought that spending time with my husband-to-be was more important.

  41. Friar Says:

    @Kimberly

    “…I just thought that spending time with my husband-to-be was more important”.

    God bless you, and all other brides who are like you! It rekindles my faith in the human species, when I hear things like this.

    A Bridezilla, you definitely are NOT. 😉 Your husband is one lucky man!

  42. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    Brett just left here. We had a few pints (I’m feeling pretty good right now, actually). 😉

    All is well in the Universe (at least right now, at this given moment).

    Too bad you lived so far away or we’d invite you along.


  43. Hm, barely any cake left….late again.

    I’ d have to opt for a really private small ceremony, great honeymoon.

    Course that ring thing would have to happen… mine was a very plain gold band. I think I’d want something very sparkly and elegant next time. So I could look at it in the light and smile at the thought of him.

    Weddings are okay, been to some very fancy ones. some home grown, and some of those Catholic ones too ( up down, up down, time to go yet? ) and NO you cannot wear that bridesmaid’s dress again. No matter what they tell you.

    I would be in that ” want to spend time with my husband” too slot. Maybe do a fun party later…a welcome home kind of thing. Ahh, just dreaming here… not any where near that happening again. I seem to be surrounded by committment phobes. hm. No fair. I wasn’t even thinking about these kind of things.

    Good rant. I ws thinking you are SO right.

  44. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    I’m with you…spending less on the ceremony, and having a trip-of-a-life-time Honeymoon!

    Easy for me to rant. (I have no future prospects on the horizon). (No…please don’t mention Claire Chaffington!) 🙂

  45. Karen Swim Says:

    Friar, and you forgot the clincher, you spend 10 months planning the perfect extravaganza but never bother to discuss your thoughts on children, finances, or religion you know the important stuff that makes or break a marriage! I have always been practical so when I got married, no wedding for me. Why spend the money on a party when we could invest in our future. I figured we could throw a party for our 10 year when we really had something to celebrate. The result was a beautiful, intimate ceremony with just me and my hubby. We remembered every detail and did not start our marriage in a mess of debt, and most importantly honored those vows until death did us part.


  46. Karen – I am soooooo with you there. It’s about making lovely memories with someone you really love. I think it must have been a very special gift, your time with him.

    Friar,
    I do not know this Claire. But if she is someone everyone is trying to match you up with, I have one of those too. He’s a great friend, wonderful person….but there are huge , ahh, deal breakers there.
    Is that your Claire?

  47. zoewinters Says:

    bwahahahahhaha That’s awesome! I got married on New Year’s eve. We had Chocolate and yellow marble cake with buttercream frosting in a snowflake design.

    The wedding invitations were cream colored with gold raised lettering. They didn’t cost a fortune but people totally framed them. 😛

  48. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    You make a good point. If more people discussed these important things before hand, instead of worrying about the caterer and the tablecloths, mabye a lot more marriages wouldn’t end up on the rocks.

    Sounds like you and your husband had a nice intimate ceremony, you did it the smart way!

    If I ever get married (hahahah…as IF!)…that’s what I’d like to do. Have a private ceremony and then later have an informal get-together with my friends and family, over a BBQ and beer.

    @Janice
    If you go in the Deep Friar archives, look up the post on “Stupidest Reasons I’ve been told to get a Girl Friend”. It describes the whole Claire thing, (which Kelly loves to tease me about!)

    Hey, mabye we can try to fix up Claire with YOUR friend. 🙂

    @zoewinters
    You know…I’m not sure if you’re messing with me or not! Based on what I’ve seen, it wouldn’t suprise me if that was an actual wedding! 😉


  49. Hehehehe….There’s an idea… Sheeesh. She’d have to be celibate. Platonic relationships only with this guy. And NO he’s not gay.

    Beyond my comprehension.

    Ohhhhh, that post….. LOL.

  50. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    Platonic…but not gay. Sheesh.

    Maybe his pipe fittings need adjusting….

  51. Steph Says:

    Crap, so we DO live far away. Damn Ontario being so huge. Brett said he was going to tell me where Splat Creek was for real, but he disappeared…

  52. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    Ontario is big, but I’ve gotten use to the distances. To me, anything less than 600 km is easily a weekend visit.

    Woudlnt’ it be cool, though, to have a “Reunion” and have a Big Party somewhere where all us Bloggers could meet and drink beer and have fun?

    (Though we’re kinda spread out all over the place, eh?). Some of us arent’ even in the same HEMISPHERE!

  53. Steph Says:

    TOtally cool!! But yeah, man, not all of us could get together. That kinda sucks.


  54. He is an engineer…. LOL ……I am rolling on the floor…..seriously…:)))))

    Sheesh is right.

  55. Brett Legree Says:

    Okay, here’s the deal. Maybe we need to form a tribe (Seth Godin’s been going on about this, and something like that is the basis of his new book.)

    Seriously. Have the bonfire thing, a few times a year, break out the orange (purple?) paint.

    Why not?

    (Maybe even Claire could find true love there.)

  56. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    It would be even better if he was a mechanical or chemical engineer (who deal with pipe fittings the most!).

    Nipples. Female couplings. Male couplings.

    Huh huh hhhuh huh (insert Beavis and Butthead laugh here).

    @Steph
    Well, we can always hold a “local” party (anyone who’s within 500 miles driving distance!) 😉

    @Brett
    Hmm….do you think Splat Creek would be “open-minded” enough to allow a pagan tribe and bonfire festival?

    The town Fathers would have a STROKE.

    (Maybe that’s the point, though….!)


  57. Mechanical , which is all kinds of ironic. Only professional where talking “dirty” is not sexual harassment.

    Hilarious. Drilling for oil conversations are so ripe. Honestly , it is hard to keep a straight face when discussing deep water ports and all…. I have so been in a LOT of engineering meetings in my work. I am the one sketching and trying to keep a straight face.

  58. Brett Legree Says:

    And then we get to discussions of pumps.

    http://www.engineeringtoolbox.com/npsh-net-positive-suction-head-d_634.html

    Net Positive Suction Head. Yeah. No one will ever laugh at that one. Nope.

  59. Brett Legree Says:

    Friar,

    I know just the place to have it actually. Not too far from Splat Creek, there is an Earthship.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earthship

    The guy who owns it is a Canadian musician, and I believe there is a festival out there each year anyway. He might go for it, actually. Maybe I’ll call him. He’s in the book…

    🙂


  60. LOL, did Claire finally propose to you Friar? *cackle cackle.

    But seriously, I also don’t give a rats bum about traditional weddings. John and I got married on a local island beach here, barefoot with ten guests and pizza for lunch since this was all there was on offer. Wouldn’t have changed it for the world, plus it was in our winter (June) and were were the only people on the beach.

    Beats the traditional crap any day and everybody who attended said it was the most moving and beautiful wedding they had ever been to (even years down the track they still keep saying this to date).

    The money we saved in the process is what pays our mortgage, our holidays and our lifestyle. Big cheers to beach weddings! 🙂


  61. ROFLOL !! NO Fair!!!!

    Pumps and the “Taos hum.” Bet the earth ships have a little of that in each and everyone. You know it does exist.

  62. Friar Says:

    @Janice
    Oh, I can just imagine you with a room full of engineers! (They’d probably just encourage you) 🙂

    @Brett

    NPSH. Net Positive Suction Head.

    Huh huh huh huhhhhh. (I forgot about that one). Welcome to Chem. Eng. 201. 🙂

    @Brett
    Seriously, they have a house like that withint driving distance from here?

    @Monika
    Well, I’m not suprised that my long-lost twin feels the same way about weddings I do.

    Like I wrote earlier, I think the whole expensive ceremony requirements is something dreamed up by the Wedding Magazines, to support the wedding industry.

    Beach wedding sounds AWESOME 🙂

    @Janice

    Oh, behave! 🙂 (I’m just sorry that your partner in crime (Kelly) isn’t around to take part in this discussion)

  63. Brett Legree Says:

    Friar,

    Yes, not too far from here at all. I’ll send you the link to the guy’s page.

    (I will let you decide if you want to post it here and blow your cover.)

  64. Crystal Lynn Says:

    Do you remember Monica on “Friends” Wedding Book?
    When we decided to marry ( seconds for both) I wanted a quite little ceremony with a preacher and family dinner. The MISTER laid down this “Wedding Book” with what he wanted….. the whole nine yards.

    Years later when we were building a house, he said “You know we should have had the smaller wedding”.
    The price of a wedding today will help to finance a nice home!

  65. Friar Says:

    @Crystal

    Wow..that’s pretty funny, because usually the “Mister” is the one who wants to go cheap and wants to avoid all the details and work.

    Is this the first recorded instance of a “Groom-Zilla” ? 😉

    At least, I hope it wasn’t an Italian Wedding, because those are probably double or triple the cost. (But at least, nobody goes home hungry).

  66. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    If the house is THAT close…hmmm..now you gave me a reason to do a road trip…!

  67. Brett Legree Says:

    Friar,

    I’m thinking of going next week if the fellow is free, or some weekend soon. Maybe we can go together?

  68. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Hey, that sounds good!

    (Just as long as it’s not a flying-saucer cult or anything). 🙂

  69. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    I don’t think so, apparently the fellow who owns the place is a Canadian musician and he has a studio there. Seems like a nice guy and a nice place.


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