Friar’s Random Rants (Part III)

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Rent the movie “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang“.   And try to watch the scene where the little maggot-children sing “Truly Scrumptious” without vomiting.

Go on.  I dare you.

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Circus clowns with faces in white grease-paint.  With bright flaming makeup applied around the eyes and mouth.  Made to look like grimacing demons.

Seriously.  Who’s the asshole who came up with the idea that this what small children LIKE and find FUNNY?

**********************************************************

I was skiing once, and saw someone smash into a wall in the Ski Terrain park.

As he lay on the ground, I came up to him and asked him if he was okay.

He just lay there on the ground, and started laughing like Beavis.

“Huh-huh-hhhuh-huh”.

Turned out he was a snow-boarder.

Big surprise, there.

*********************************************************

Getting back to the creepy circus clowns…

I hate them.   I f#$%cking hate them.

And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Otherwise, why are the only clowns on TV nowadays portrayed as serial killers, and/or child molesters?

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Guys.  If a women asks you “Does this dress make me look fat?”  there is NO CORRECT ANSWER you can give.

My advice is to cover your ears, jump through the plate-glass window, and run into the street, screaming:

LALALA…I can’t hear you!…LALALA!…“.

*******************************************************

Next time you’re frustrated at work, perhaps listening to some bozo drone on in a boring meeting,  just imagine circus music playing in the background.

Do-do-Doodle oo Doop-Doo Doo-Doo…..

You’d be surprised at how much this helps.

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If parents are worried about high-fructose corn syrup, then maybe they should restrict their childrens’ access to those sugary-sweet goodie-goodie cartoons.

If a kid watches too many consecutive episodes of Caillou or the Berenstain Bears, they risk a diabetic coma.

C’mon, folks.  Let’s give our kids’ pancreas a break.

Bring back the cartoons with falling anvils and cats swallowing dynamite.

********************************************************

If you were raised Catholic,  at least once in your childhood,  you were probably asked to give up candy during Lent.

And if you had asked “How does giving up candy make me a better person?

an adult would invariably answer “It’s good for you.  It builds character“.

It builds character.

For Chrissakes.

That’s their lame answer for EVERYTHING.

********************************************************

Driving a car, late at night, and fighting the urge to fall asleep at the wheel.

It’s quite amazing, when I think about it.

Despite the fact that I’m controlling a 2-ton cage of steel hurtling along at 70 mph,

my body is telling me that right now, it’s more important to take a nap.

I swear, my brain is trying to kill me.

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I am not ashamed to admit, I have never read a single Sherlock Holmes book.  Not a single one.

It’s been done and re-done so many times on TV and movies, I’m just so sick of it,  already.

If I see ONE more person in the double-billed hat, with a pipe and magnifying glass, I’m gonna hurl.

I think I reached my saturation point when I saw Data from Star Trek dress up like this.

Right there, that pretty much killed any desire I had to ever read anything written by Arthur Conan Doyle.

******************************************************************

Notice how women dressed in the old movies in the 50’s and early 60’s?    Their breasts were pointy, like torpedoes.

I think this was caused by radioactive fallout.

Because this coincides only too well with the time period during which the U.S. and Russia conducted atmospheric atom-bomb tests.

Anyway, that’s my theory.

********************************************************

A strip club in Montreal called “Le Gentleman’s Choice”.

If they had just called it “Gentleman’s Choice”, it would have violated Quebec’s Language Laws, and people would have gotten upset.

But adding “Le” to the exact same words apparently makes everything kosher.

And Quebec still wonders why the rest of Canada doesn’t understand them.

********************************************************

Hey, I got nothing against handicapped parking.

But when there’s a parking lot in the middle of nowhere, with nothing else around for miles, except a HIKING TRAIL….

…well, that’s where I draw the line.

Come on, people.  You’re going to a HIKE.   Do you REALLY need to park that extra 30 feet closer, at this point?

********************************************************

When you’re at Wall-Mart, and there’s a screaming kid in a shopping cart, here’s how you mess with him.

When Mom isn’t looking,  mimic the kid and pretend to have a tantrum just like he’s doing.

Confuses the hell out of them, it does.   They’ll stare at you in shocked silence for a few seconds.

Then quietly sneak away before the little rug-rat starts screaming again.

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If you don’t understand the subtle difference between the English and French cultures in Canada, maybe this can help explain it:

When Peanuts cartoons are shown on English TV,  Charlie Brown and Lucy’s voices are provided by actual children of the same age.

But when the same cartoon is shown in French, their voices are provided by adult actors speaking in squeaky voices, pretending sound like kids.

Dunno why.   It’s just the it always is.

********************************************************

“Save the women and children first…!”.

Me being a single male…well, that’s just DANDY!.

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People constantly make fun of the Professor on Gilligan’s Island.

They’ll ask:  “If he can make a working radio and internal combustion engine out of palm leaves and coconut shells, how come he can’t fix a boat?”

Think about it, for a minute.

Slaving away in academia, applying for research grants, and marking papers till all hours of the morning.

Or being stuck on a tropical Island, with two gorgeous babes who crave male compansionship.

Which would YOU prefer?

Hmmmm…..maybe the Professor just didn’t WANT to fix the boat.

**********************************************************

If there’s one thing I can’t stand in fast-food places, is picking the shortest line, thinking I wont’ have to wait long.

Only to have the Mommy/Daddy in front of me inevitably place food orders for their entire litter of kids, each one requiring special dietary needs.

Now it’s suddenly the equivalent of having 12 people ahead of me.

“Uhh…I’ll have a happy meal, with no pickle.   Another happy meal, but can I have a space Ranger Toy, but this time, the green Ranger, not the red one.    I’ll have a burger, with 3/8th ketchup…and…uhhh….a cheeseburger with 10% more lettuce, and slice the bun diagonally…Ummm…do you have sarsaparilla? ..etc.

I say there ought to be a law:   One person in line, for each food order.

Hey, I don’t care if your rug-rats will scream and act up.

Make the little beggars wait in line with the rest of us.

It will teach them patience.  It will teach them about the real world.

And it will help build character! 😉

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58 Comments on “Friar’s Random Rants (Part III)”

  1. denisermt Says:

    Your post gave me such giggle. I hate clowns too!

  2. Friar Says:

    @denisermt

    Yeah….aren’t they creepy?

    I have yet to meet ONE person who loves clowns.

  3. Brett Legree Says:

    You just met the wrong clown.

    I once went to a Halloween party, and there was a really hot girl dressed up as a clown. She was going around biting all the guys.

    I like clowns now. 🙂

  4. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    I guess it all depends…what was she biting? 😉

  5. Brett Legree Says:

    Doesn’t matter! 🙂

  6. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Now THERE’s a loaded comment if I ever heard one.

    Just wait till Janice or Kelly pop in for a visit!

  7. Kelly Says:

    Brett,

    Bwah ha ha. What kind of a party was this? Was she wearing a bow tie and a little pom-pom on her tush?

    Friar,

    Hysterical as always, esp. the fast-food line. Happens to me every time I walk in to one, which I attempt to do never.

    What’s wrong with, “I think it makes you look gorgeous?” Seems like that might go over well, but I know what you mean. Some chicks are kinda needy like that.

    That question is one I never ask. If you are wondering, then you already know it does. Take the blasted thing off and start over.

    “What do you think?” on the other hand, is impossible to answer, particularly at a department store. If you’re at home you can assume she likes it and try the “gorgeous” line, but when she’s considering the purchase, does she like it and wants you to confirm, or hates it and wants you to suggest torching the thing?

    My mother used to do this to me, so I tell the truth. Now she won’t take me shopping. Poor Dad… 🙂

    Regards,

    Kelly

  8. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Okay, I’m going to have to remember that one “I think it makes you look gorgeous”.

    (Though what if you’re not a good liar and she knows it? ). You could still get in a lot of trouble regardless…).

    I suspect I’ll be catching a lot of Flack about the Fast Food Line-up from irate parents. Oh well, too bad. Life doesn’t always revolve around their precious offspring.

    Actually, a good secret is is that Drive-Through seems to get priority over the people who took the effort to actually walk in the store.

    I’ve been in line-ups that are so slow, I give up, get in my car, and go through drive, get my food in two minutes, and come back inside to sit down and eat.

    Meanwhile, the line I used to be in hasnt’ moved an inch. Customers are astonished how quickly I got my food, and I even make a point of suggesting to them to get out, go through drive though, it’s so much quicker.

    But for some reason, nobody ever seems to want to do this.

    I guess they prefer waiting in line.

    For we are Sheep. Baaa. Baaa. Baaa.

  9. Brett Legree Says:

    @Kelly,

    You’d think so, wouldn’t you… no, just a college party (which are sometimes worse)

  10. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    My kid hates it but I’m insistent. If I’m in enough of a hurry to want steam-pressed hamburger for a meal, then I’m in too much of a hurry to go in. I’m pretty much drive-through or no-go.

    Brett,

    You had a clown budget at a college party? Interesting college. At my school, downscale was Bud, upscale was Coors. No clown budgets.

    Until later,

    Kelly

  11. Amy Says:

    *raises hand*

    What are maggot children? LOL

  12. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Yeah, some of the college parties (back in the politically incorrect 1980’s) were pretty wild. There was always a “Welcome Back Stag” party at the beginning of every school term.

    Never saw a clown-lady, but they wore other costumes…;-)

    @Kelly
    Hahah! I just went to Burger Thing today, and sat down and ate there. Only because I just wanted to go somewhere “out of the house” that didnt’ involve driving 40 minutes.

  13. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    Maggot-children: noun. Obnoxious adults in larval form, not yet having fully reached maturity.


  14. @Friar: Did you know that they’re making yet another Holmes movie next year with Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock?

  15. Friar Says:

    @Rebecca

    ARGHHH! Yeah, I just read that in the paper. 😦

    I wish they’d GIVE IT A REST, already.

    (Is it just me….or has Hollywood TOTALLY run out of new ideas?)

    I’m willing to bet that they’ll “Hollywood-ize” the new Sherlock movie. Be sure and look for:

    i) a martial-arts fight scene.
    ii) a horse and buggy chase scene (the time period wont’ allow for car chases)
    iii) a speeding steam locomotive (with possibleya fight scene on the roofs of the coaches).
    iv) a fight scene on top of a Bridge (and someone falls to their death)

    Either way, I will NOT see this movie. Nobody can make me (Not even at gunpoint). 😉


  16. @Friar: With so many fresh new books out there, I have no idea why they keep remaking old movies again and again.

    I bet the bridge scene will involve London Bridge.

    Will Watson be participating in the martial arts fight scene? If so, I may just have to see the movie …

  17. Friar Says:

    @Rebecca

    Movies playing right now:

    Batman (for the nth time).

    The Hulk (remake of an old TV show based on a comic book hero ).

    Sex and the City (remake of a TV show).

    Indiana Jones (Part IV).

    Iron Man (based on a comic book hero).

    The Mummy (for the nth time)

    X Files (Part II remake of a TV show)

    Get Smart (remake of a TV show….not counting the other two Get Smart movies with Don Adams).

    Journey to the Centre of the Earth (remake of a 120 year old book).

    Hellboy (Part II).

    ….etc. etc..

    Not that some of these aren’t great movies, but COME ON, Hollywood. Can’t you come up with something ORIGINAL?

    (Are you young enough to remember the 70’s before Rocky II?…). Sequels just didn’t exist back then.


  18. Well, when you put it THAT way … yikes. I see your point. Nowadays, sequels aren’t just a novelty, they’re expected. I made the mistake of going to see Indiana Jones, and what a major disappointment. I was a huge X-Files fan, but I refuse to see the newest movie. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?

  19. Karen Swim Says:

    ROFL! I don’t remember ever being freaked out by clowns. I liked Bozo growing up. However, I have watched my nieces and nephews react to Clowns, Chuck E Cheese and other animated characters in absolute terror. And what was up with the undergarments in the 50s and 60s! LOL! Too funny!

  20. Brett Legree Says:

    Hollywood has to do that in today’s “risk averse” society. Investors aren’t willing to put up the money on an untried concept. Hence the sequel. Most movies make the bulk of their money on the first weekend (and then later on video), so if the movie stinks, it won’t matter – enough folks will see it on opening weekend before the word gets out.

    And a lot of folks will rent a crappy movie just because “there’s nothing to do”… 🙂

    Doesn’t mean I don’t agree with you, though!

    So I vote with my dollars. I’ve seen (maybe) 3 movies in a theatre in the last 5 years.

    (Arrrr… there be pir8s in these waters…)

  21. Friar Says:

    @Rebecca
    Like Brett says, Hollywood today is risk-averse, and they go for the tried-and-true formulas, that get the most money out of the first few weekends.

    I didn’t mind Indiana Jones…but I found it was just another version of the first three movies.

    I really used to like the X-Files. But they never quite showed us the great conspiracy theory….not even in the show’s Finale, or the 1st movie. So I ended getting fed up with waiting…I lost interest.

    @Karen
    I grew up watching Canadian TV so we didnt’ have Bozo. Mabye that spared me childhood trauma. YOur inces and nephews reaction is quite natural…which just proves my point! 🙂

    I suspect maybe adults found clowns funny, back in 1910. But times have changed.

    (PS. It’s not the underwear….it’s the radioactive fallout! 🙂

    @Brett
    Arrrr…matey.

    Ye say ye have see three movies in theaters in the past 5 years.

    How many have ye seen, by “other” means. 😉

  22. Amy Says:

    Fried One — I was worried maggot-children were something like oompa loompas (Willie Wonka). Those things scare the crap out of me.

  23. Amy Says:

    P.S. Bozo was scary. He was in Chicago, which is where I grew up, and we were forced to go see Bozo as a field trip. I should sue my elementary school for PTSD. LOL

  24. Friar Says:

    @Amy

    Oh, yeah. Those Oompah Loompahs were EVIL. (Maybe they were little demons)

    I really didn’t like the 2nd Willie Wonka movie with Johnny Deep. (He had that creepy something-ain’t-right aura about him..if I was a parent, I’d watch my kids around him).
    Gene Wilder as the first Willie Wonka was much more believable.

    Bozo does look creepy. If there’s any consolation, the actor has probably been dead for the last 20 years.

    (Shudder). Give me Mr. Rogers any day, over a stupid clown.


  25. So late to this… and I am still on the ground with the snowboarder, probably the cartoon influence SOME PEOPLE AROUND HERE have on me.

    It was funny. Still chuckling.

    And I think, Friar, a troup of Cirque De Soleil nearly naked biting lady clowns could get you to the PREMIER of Robert Downey Jr’s Sherlocke Holmes. They are know to nibble Le salmon. 🙂

  26. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    The problem is the Cirque de Soleil would probably have the half-naked MEN clowns doing the biting. And to be frank, I’d prefer that if anyone do the chomping, it be the women.

    (The Cirque creeps me out on a whole other level, but I know I’ll lose THAT argument too…I found out there are too many Cirque fans with the ladies) 🙂

  27. Eva G. Says:

    Sheesh, I can’t decide which one got me closer to peeing my pants with laughter, the handicap rant or the one about the professor from Gilligan’s island.

    I also like the bit of wisdom about the little sh*ts at Wal-Mart. I wonder if that’ll work on the wee maggots that aren’t being supervised by their terrible parents at the library. Hmmm…time for an experiment…

  28. Friar Says:

    @Eva

    What’s funny about the handicap rant..is that it’s true (Yes, I’ve actually seen handicapped parking on hiking trails).

    As for messing with the little screaming sh*ts. I learned that from my Mom about 30 years ago (We were camping once, and this kid in the next campsite was so obnoxious…my Mom pulled back the curtains to our trailer window..and made a horrible face that just the kid could see!).

    Kid went screaming back to his campsite…I thought that was hilarious, and I never forgot that

    (Thanks Mom!) 🙂

  29. Amy Says:

    Friar — I didn’t like the second Willie Wonka either. Johnny Depp DID seem creepy. Gene Wilder really did play a better Wonka. Why do all movies have to be remade, anyway? That really ticks me off. I’m so with you on that!

  30. Amy Says:

    P.S. Friar, does your mom read your blog?

  31. veredd Says:

    “Turned out he was a snow-boarder.

    Big surprise, there.”

    AMEN TO THAT.

    I miss skiing.

  32. Friar Says:

    @Veredd

    Yeah….I’m hoping to book a holiday in February (AWAY from the Ski Terrain park, though)

    I like the way they have to blare the loud grunge music in the Terrain Park too….God forbid should the snow-boarders just enjoy mountains in the quiet outdoors like the rest of the ski resort.

    @Amy
    This is why I dont’ go to movies too often (That, plus the fact that it’s a 30 minute drive to the closest theater…which only plays one movie a week).

    Oh yeah…my Mom does read my blog occasionally. She provides “editorial comments” by phone. 🙂

  33. Karen JL Says:

    @ Brett, Friar and anyone else sick of sequels:

    Go see Wall-E (*in* the theatre Brett!). So. Damn. Good. 🙂

  34. Kelly Says:

    Karen JL,

    I totally agree!

    Wall-E is the third movie in my life that I saw more than once in the theatres. It is stunning. Literally stunning.

    Later,

    Kelly

  35. Friar Says:

    @Karen JL and Kelly

    Actually, I just saw Wall-E this past weekend. It was EXCELLENT. Best movie of the year (if not the past 5 years).

    Just the background and artwork. It blew me away, all those scenes from outer space and aboard the space station. I might have to see it twice to check out what I missed.

    Amazing how much dialogue and feelings you can convey from just the two words “Wall-E” and “Eve-Va”. From two robots, no less.

    (Plus, I loved cameo from Fred Willard) 🙂

  36. Ellen Wilson Says:

    Friar,

    I wonder why Splat Creek isn’t like Gilligan’s island? hehe

    Le Gentlemen’s Choice. Is choice even a French word?

    My mom painted a clown picture and put it in my room as a child. I remember peering at it through my crib slats. Seriously. I have a long memory. Anyway, I found it to be very disturbing.

    And yeah, I’ve heard this clown problem over and over. Weird. Maybe it has something to do with covering up evil with a pretend. painted on smile. Hmmm. You know me, always analyzing.

  37. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    Heh heh. Your photo gave me some material to rant about.

    Yeah, Choice should have been “Choix”. The only thing French about Le Gentlemen’s Choice is “Le”

    The wording makes as much sense as saying “Le Internal Comubustion Engine”.

    Imagine Gilligans Island with 4000 people: half of them Professors, and half of them Gilligans. That pretty much summarizes Splat Creek. 🙂

    I vaguely remember a clown doll when I was a toddler. (Either mine or my sister’s). I always ignored it…it was never my favorite.

    Remember that scene from Poltergeist when the clown doll became alive and dragged the kid under the bed, and tried to strangle him?

    Holy shit..that scared the crap out of me (and I was 18 at the time!)

  38. Brett Legree Says:

    Not only that, but most of the women look like Lovey. Not too many Mary Anns or Gingers here… 😦 so if you’re single you’re sort of out of luck.

    Sequels. Hmm. Some have been good. Star Trek II was good (KHAAAAANNNNN!!!!)

    Apparently there will be a Terminator 4. That *could* be good, if only they’d stop letting the humans win. I mean, COME ON… gimme a break. Sooner or later HK’s with thermal sights could hunt down all of the humans, right?

    (But no. The humans will “win”. But at least in T3 they nuked the planet.)


  39. Probably, you would prefer most nibbling to be done by fish on the end of your line. Or maybe some non-Claire who can portage, or several non-Claires. What’s not to like there. 🙂

    What is it with guys and Le Cirque? It is artistry in motion. Okay, it is a little abstract. But it holds the history of all theatre and spectacle firmly in its grip.

    I don’t get it? They have to be strong, athletic, they do couragous things and lots of times get to do it half naked and in the air. Is it because the story is there, the music, the funny little tights?

    Creepy? I’d love to know.

  40. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    hahahah! Yeah…a town full of Lovey’s. You’re right. The Gingers and Maryannes are few and far betweeen (and would probably already be grandmas!)

    Yeah, some sequels are really good. The Wrath of Khan was the best of all the Star Trek Movies.

    I did like T3. But now there’s a Terminator TV series (The Sara Conner Chronicles). Oh come ON..give it a rest, already! Just let the robots kill everyone already!

    @Janice
    Yeah, I realize that they’re fantastic athletes.

    But so are figure skaters. So are ballet dances. So are trapeze artist and acrobats in the regular circuses.

    But those guys don’t creep me out. Yet somehow the Cirque does.

    I think it’s a combination of the creepy 17th century clown makeup. Combined with the implied homo-erotic undertones.

    I’m not trying to be anti-gay. But I find the Cirque gets to be “in-your-face” about the whole thing.

    Maybe this can be explained from an Episode of the Simpsons where they spoof the Cirque. Homer is uncomfortable and flinches, when a male performer thrusts their pelvis in his direction, inches away from his face.

    Okay, I realize this is exagerrating. But there’s a grain of truth to that.

    …Homer expresses what a lot of us guys feel! 😉


  41. SEEE Now I HAVE to find that episode of the Simpson’s.

    Hmm. I can see your point. Sex in your face clowns, serial kiler clown, drag you under the bed clowns… There’s a Bosch painting that Dante could script… or a film…but then they’d do a sequel… the nightmare that never ends.

    is there a South Park clown episode?

    We all have some inner Simpson I think.

  42. Karen JL Says:

    @ Janice
    There’s a South Park Cirque episode! Well, it starts out that way. They see some Quintuplets performing, decide to start their own Cirque, Kenny runs off to Romania to sing, Stan’s grandpa has sex with the Quints grandma and kills her…uhhh…

    Maybe it’s easier to just see it. Season 4 – ‘Quintuplets 2000’. (You can rent them you know! 🙂 )

  43. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar

    I think Homer expresses what you guys feel about A LOT of stuff. 😉

  44. Friar Says:

    @Janice
    If I recall, the Simsons’ episode had the Cirque Guy as a frenchman, wearing a tuxedo and top hat on the upper half, and a duck costume on the lower half.

    Oh yeah, there’s also a Southpark episode…(See Karen’s comment below)

    @Karen JL

    Yeah..I remember the Soutpark episode. It was “Cirque de Cheville”, wasn’t it? (Or something like that?) 🙂

    @Karen JL and Janice

    I agree…there’s an inner Homer in everyone of us. Guys especially… 🙂

  45. Ellen Wilson Says:

    @Friar – Haa! That was funny! Half professors and half Gilligans! That is a really weird dichotomy. Do the professors hang out with the Gilligans? Or not?

    I have to say this French Language law stuff sounds a bit like Pepe Lapieu (sp?) Why don’t they just make it all in French, or not. English is already on the bottom. I just don’t understand.

    Mimes. Some people have problems with mimes.

  46. Friar Says:

    @Ellen

    There was a definite class structure in Splat Creek…decades ago, the Professors lived on one end of the town, and the Gilligans on the other. They took seperate shuttle buses to work. They had different break times.

    It’s not as bad as that nowadays…but there is still a separation between the two. (For example, technicians will sit together at lunch…as will the Phds…but rarely do the two mix).

    The Language Laws are so illogical and ridiculous, don’t feel bad if you don’t get it. Most Canadians still don’t either, (Not even after 30 years).

    About 10 years ago, there was a segment about Quebec on 60 Minutes. I saw it, and it upset some Quebeckeesr (Even though everything on that episode was perfectly true). I wonder if it’s on You Tube.

    Mimes….Ugh. In my opinion, they’re just creepy-clown wannabees. 😦


  47. “Mimes….Ugh. In my opinion, they’re just creepy-clown wannabees.”

    ROFLOL

    ….I am off to do find those episodes, er , do research….very, very important cultural research….

    thanks to my advisees. Still laughing. :))))

  48. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Feb 1998. Morley Safer. He may have coined the term “language police” for enforcers of Bill 101, and he called it “a gentle form of ethnic cleansing.” I tried to find the whole segment or a transcription because I am the curious sort, but no.

    Too bad, sounds like it was worth seeing.

    Later,

    Kelly

  49. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    If there was a nuclear war, and they had to rebuild civilization from scratch, and there was a limited ammount of food left…I bet you they’d give the best rations to the doctors, farmers, engineers, teachers, mechanics, etc…

    As for mimes, I suspect they’d be far FAR down on the list… 🙂

    PS. Just consider your “research” as part of a PhD in “Cultural Anthropology”.

    @Kelly
    That episode was definitely worth seeing! It was serious reporting, mixed in with a quite bit of ironic humor.

    I remember it well. The cameras showed a language inspector, taking a ruler to measure the size of letters on a business sign (to make sure that the English was 1/3 the size).

    Comical music was played in the background and the words “Inspector Clouseau” were used. They interviewed the Language Minister at the time…she was almost rabid with enthusiasm in front of the camera. …It really did NOT make Quebec look good.

    My anglophone office mates thought this whole episode was hilarious. (Thank God someone else agrees with us!) But some of my Francophone buddies were quite livid. 🙂


  50. We didn’t grow up with Bozzo the Clown, but we did grow up with Bimbo the Clown here in Canada…at least in the Toronto area. Bimbo Bimbo Bimbo the Birthday Clown, Bimbo Bimbo Bimbo the Birthday Clown, Bimbo Bimbo Bimbo the Birthday Clown, and I would like to saaaaaaaayyyyy. To you and you a very Happy Biiirrrthday. If Uncle Bobby isn’t enough to scare you, I don’t know who is!

  51. Friar Says:

    @Urban Panther

    Wow…sounds like yet one more traumatic childhood memory of creepy clowns.

    There’s enough of us…we should form a support group, or something!


  52. Actually what really creeps me out is those wind up monkeys that play the tamborine and smack their lips. Probably because there is a Stephen King short story about those dang monkies.

  53. Friar Says:

    @Urban Panther

    About 20 years ago, when I was in Ottawathere was this crazy evangelist on late night TV. (Dr. Eugene Scott).

    We used to watch him after partying, because he was about the only thing on at the time. It was great entertainment because you never knew what he was gonna do next.

    One show, he had about 10 of those wind-up Evil Chimps on the table in front of him, clanging away.

    He said they were like the govt. trying to force him off the air…they just keep hittin’ and hittin’

    …so what you gotta do is HIT THEM BACK!

    Then he started screaming at the top of his lungs, and smashed all the monkeys with a two-by-four! Holy shit..it was the funniest most F*cked up thing I’ve ever seen someone do on TV 🙂

    (How this was remotely related to the Bible…I still havent’ figure out) 🙂

    Anyway, ever since, we were big fans of the “Doctor” after that.


  54. ROFL..that’s all I’ve got to say. Just ROFL


  55. Thanks for another good laugh Friar! Now I’m going to have the songs “Bang bang chitty chitty bang bang, our fine four fendered friend” in my head all day long! Thanks for that (grr)!

  56. Friar Says:

    @Melissa

    When I was five I got a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Corgi toy for Christmas. It was a fantastic scale model..when you pulled the lever, the wings popped out.

    I still have the car. It’s bashed up considerably (Years of playing with it) but the wings still work after 39 years.

    Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Heh. Dick Van Dyke at his finest, eh? 🙂


  57. Been a long while since I have seen Chitty Chitty.

    Clowns are super scary and perverse, that’s why I love them.

    My theory of how clowns originated was from back when white men performed in minstrel shows in ‘black face’ with exaggerated lips and curly hair — it was a racist mockery in American theater that changed and morphed into its own creative existence full of color. Even Black performers had to wear the famous exaggerated ‘black face’ when they were performing. Eventually, both white and black performers were painting their faces. That is that specific clown look. But of course face painting goes back to cave men.

    The handicap parking at a hiking trail is funny. That is something I must have seen a gazillion times, but never thought about it. Probably because I am too busy thinking about clowns.

    I just talked to my friend today about her child screaming in the store and a stranger commenting, which infuriated her, as it does all parents. “Do you think I want to hear him screaming? If I could make him stop, I would.” So I say, do whatever you have to do as the stranger to get the kid to put a lid on it. I’m pretty good at silencing children, but the parents are never thankful. 😉

    Ever seen clown porn?

  58. Friar Says:

    @Jaden

    Not too long ago, on very late night TV, I saw an old Judy Garland/Mickey Rooney movie, where they put on a “Minstrel Show” in blackface. This would have been the early 40’s (I was amazed to see them still doing it that recently)

    I bet you’d be hard-pressed to find that movie on TV anymore, though! 🙂

    Screaming kids. I have ZERO patience for it. Kids dont’ suddenly learn to be obnoxious little sh*ts. It’s learned over years of being allowed to get away with it.

    Kids should learn to be in a “Calm Submissive State”, like Cesar Milan does to dogs on the “Dog Whisperer” (Actually, there’s a Southpark Spoof on that).

    Clown Porn. (Ewwww!). Some things are just SO WRONG. 😦


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