Tips for Married Couples: How to Deal with your Single Friends
Don’t feel guilty that you haven’t called your friends in months. You’re married with kids. It’s up to THEM to call YOU. After all, they’re single. They have all the time in the world. You don’t.
Lose all ability to pick up the phone, or write two sentences of email to say hi. (Again, it’s THEIR job to do this, not yours).
Bachelors just LOVE your Mommy stories about little Damien’s poo-poo and pee-pee. You can NOT talk about this enough.
If your hubby is away for a few days, whine and moan in front of your girlfriend how much you miss him, and how you can’t stand to be alone for that long.
For an added bonus, if you know your girlfriend hasn’t had sex in over a year, let her know how randy you are, and how you can’t wait for Hubby to get back.
Rent a video, and spoon together on the couch while your friend sits on a wooden chair. Display more affection towards each other than you normally would if no one was there. (If anyone feels lonely, they can always cuddle with the dog).
If anyone questions your availability, tell them that you’re “Busy”. The B-Word is the omnipotent excuse. It’s the get-out-of-jail-free card that gets you off the hook for any friendship duties. Nobody will dare question you.
You time is worth more. Fifteen minutes of effort on your part is the equivalent of 6 hours for a single person.
When friends call, offer to have your 18-month old toddler speak to them. Go wash the dishes and leave the two alone to bond. Remember, there is NOTHING people like more than calling long-distance and having a 10-minute conversation imposed on them. Especially with a rug-rat who has a vocabulary of 14 words.
When visiting, use the 100-0 rule. It’s up to your friends to come to your house 100% of the time. It’s your turn to go to their house, ZERO percent of the time.
When friends stay for the weekend, God Forbid, DO NOT allow for any one-on-one adult time. The main reason for their visit (whether they realize it or not) is to entertain YOUR children.
If your kids deliberately scream and interupt while your friend is talking to you, stop all conversation at once. It’s time to focus on the little darlings, and give them the attention they so desperately need. You can always resume your conversation ten hours later (after the precious little bundles are in bed).
When it’s nap time, tell your kids that your friend will lie in bed with them until they fall asleep. Even if it’s 2:00 PM in the afternoon.
If your single pal DOES manage to find a partner, expect that they still make the time to see you as often as they did before (just like you’ve done with them, right?).
If anyone wants to see you, request that you be given four months notice, as every weekend between now and the end of soccer season is “booked up”. (See “busy”).
If you want to see your single friends, however, call them at the last minute and expect they show up within 15 minutes notice.
Mess with their heads. When they do show up (especially after driving 200 miles to come and see you), gently scold them for not having visited sooner.