Tips for Married Couples: How to Deal with your Single Friends

Don’t feel guilty that you haven’t called your friends in months.   You’re married with kids.    It’s up to THEM to call YOU.    After all, they’re single.  They have all the time in the world.  You don’t.

Lose all ability to pick up the phone, or write two sentences of email to say hi.  (Again, it’s THEIR job to do this, not yours).

Bachelors just LOVE your Mommy stories about little Damien’s poo-poo and pee-pee.  You can NOT talk about this enough.

If your hubby is away for a few days, whine and moan in front of your girlfriend how much you miss him, and how you can’t stand to be alone for that long.

For an added bonus, if you know your girlfriend hasn’t had sex in over a year, let her know how randy you are, and how you can’t wait for Hubby to get back.

Rent a video, and spoon together on the couch while your friend sits on a wooden chair.  Display more affection towards each other than you normally would if no one was there.  (If anyone feels lonely, they can always cuddle with the dog).

If anyone questions your availability, tell them that you’re “Busy”.   The B-Word is the omnipotent excuse.   It’s the get-out-of-jail-free card that gets you off the hook for any friendship duties.  Nobody will dare question you.

You time is worth more.  Fifteen minutes of effort on your part is the equivalent of 6 hours for a single person.

When friends call,  offer to have your 18-month old toddler speak to them.   Go wash the dishes and leave the two alone to bond.    Remember, there is NOTHING people like more than calling long-distance and having a 10-minute conversation imposed on them.  Especially with a rug-rat who has a vocabulary of 14 words.

When visiting, use the 100-0 rule.  It’s up to your friends to come to  your house 100% of the time.  It’s your turn to go to their house, ZERO percent of the time.

When friends stay for the weekend, God Forbid, DO NOT allow for any one-on-one adult time.   The main reason for their visit (whether they realize it or not) is to entertain YOUR children.

If your kids deliberately scream and interupt while your friend is talking to you, stop all conversation at once.  It’s time to focus on the little darlings, and give them the attention they so desperately need.     You can always resume your conversation ten hours later (after the precious little bundles are in bed).

When it’s nap time, tell your kids that your friend will lie in bed with them until they fall asleep.  Even if it’s 2:00 PM in the afternoon.

If your single pal DOES manage to find a partner,  expect that they still make the time to see you as often as they did before (just like you’ve done with them, right?).

If anyone wants to see you, request that you be given four months notice, as every weekend between now and the end of soccer season is “booked up”. (See “busy”).

If you want to see your single friends, however, call them at the last minute and expect they show up within 15 minutes notice.

Mess with their heads.   When they do show up (especially after driving 200 miles to come and see you), gently scold them for not having visited sooner.

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45 Comments on “Tips for Married Couples: How to Deal with your Single Friends”


  1. Friar, this hits the mark so well that it’s actually scary. 😉

  2. Friar Says:

    @Melissa
    As a fellow bachelor(ette), I know you can relate!

    (Let’s see what the married readers have to say!)

  3. Karen JL Says:

    The talking on the phone thing was always one of my pet peeves. Yeah, uh, I have *nothing* to say to this little person and they *can’t* say anything to me. Fun times.

    10 and up people, 10 and up for phone conversations!


  4. This list doesn’t hold true just for single people, but also for married couples without kids. My husband and I don’t have children and we experience many of the above statements frequently.


  5. OK,
    Have to chime in here, it’s NOT just single people. that they do this to. It must be a virus that affects married people with young kids. ( Although I swear I was immune ) They think grandma Wendi is JUST as interested as *UNCLE* Friar.

    Here is a newsflash. After 30+ years of listening to my own kids and grandkids drivel, oohing and ah’ing over body fluids and poorly sccribled art, I don’t want to drive all the way to your house to be highjacked by yours. ( and neither do all of the other too polite grandparents out there who suffer along and won’t say a word!)


  6. Brett:

    Could you please show Friar how to add a subscribe to comment button? Can that be done? Or is there a way for me to do it myself on Google reader? I finally learned how to subscribe to him without him having a button, now I just need the comments so I can keep up. HELP!


  7. First let me say fantastic drawing, Friar! Before I read a single word, I knew what you were going to write.

    I’m with you, but I’m also with Stacey and Wendi. I’m married with no kids and I can relate to almost every tip you listed (especially the phone one — ugh!).

  8. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    “Whine and moan in front of your girlfriend how much you miss him, and how you can’t stand to be alone for that long.”

    That happens to me all the time.

    Luckily, I can stand to be alone for that long. And longer. But yeah, it’s darned insensitive. Sometimes it boggles the mind how folks don’t check their words with their brains before passing them right by the tongue. Hello!!

    Good to know it’s okay not to discuss the little person on the telephone. Sometimes I get off the phone with friend or relative and realize I only talked grownup talk, then feel guilty because I didn’t give them a kid-update. If they don’t ask, I assume they don’t want to hear unless it’s something amazing, and from this handy tip-sheet, it looks like I got that part right!

    LOL as usual!

    Regards,

    Kelly

  9. Steph Says:

    AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my God. I KNOW!!! And I’m married! It’s exactly as Stacey said. Not having kids is enough to get me treated like a single person per your post here. UGH!!

    PS. The drawing had me laughing out loud. 🙂

  10. Writer Dad Says:

    I am very sorry. I will be sitting in the corner if anyone needs me.

  11. Steph Says:

    HAHA, WD!! Are you guilty?? Then in the corner for you indeed! TIME OUT!

    PS. Friar, got your email and will respond as soon as my gmail starts working again…

  12. Friar Says:

    @Karen
    The only people who should talk to the kids on the phone are doting Grandma’s (who seem to LIVE for this kind of thing).

    As for the rest of us…if the kid’s still in Poopy Diapers, parents, please LIMIT the conversations to 30 seconds…Otherwise, we might hang up (and blame it on Baby Huey for pressing the wrong button!)

    @Stacey
    Much of this behaviour applies to married couples with kids…but some of it also applies to childless couples. (As soon as three people socialize instead of two, the whole dynamics change).

    It’s easier to visit, if they have a dog, though! 🙂

    @Wendi
    That’s actually quite interseting, to hear that you’re a Grandma, and you’re not ABSOUTELY ENTHRALLED with every pee-pee story (like pretty much every other Grandma…).

    I think it’s probably because you’re a young Grandma. Maybe when you get into your late 60’s, the Grandma gene will kick in.

    But in the mean time, I’m glad that you’re still one of us! 🙂

    @Rebecca
    I remember Al Jaffee (a cartoonist from MAD magazine) drawing a similar cartoon decades ago…but it stuck in my head, I hadda do my own version.

    As for couples with no kids. I categorize them as “normal” couples, where both the husband and wife include you and make you feel welcome.

    And there are “pukey” couples, where they’re both so much into themselves, you feel out of place, like a fifth wheel, and you want to leave.

    Just so long as I dont’ have to hang out with “Pukey” couples. 😉

    @Kelly
    Yeah, I find it amazing, when I hear lady-friends whine, how HARD it is to be alone, because they might have to go ONE WEEK without their husband.

    Wah. Boo hoo. I have no pity. Learn to live with yourself. Like the rest of us have to, 52 weeks a year.

    You also pin-pointed another pet-peeve of mine. Parents who talk ONLY about their kids, but display zero interest in what’s going on with your own life.

    I dont’ mind hearing about kids, as long as it’s a “conversation”, where I also get to talk about ME. I don’t want a monologue where I only get to listen.

    @Steph
    Hahah! I know how you feel about kids, so I knew you’d like this post!

    @Writer Dad
    Oh, dont’ be too hard on yourself. You might be okay.

    I know some couples, where they actually take time to talk to you as a person, and the kids are well-behaved, (and even a delight to visit with). Brett’s household is like this, for example.

    @Steph
    HAHAH! Are you taking over for Wendi now?

  13. Brett Legree Says:

    I’d have left a comment earlier, but I’m too busy. Can one of my single friends do it for me? 😉

    @Wendi, I don’t think you can do that with free hosted WP – so I just subscribe to Friar’s whole comment stream on the main page.

  14. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    All all the breeding-couples I know, you’d have the best excuse for being unavailable. You have not one, not two…but FOUR kids (and three of them clustered together).

    Yet, somehow…you’re not too “Busy” to take time to spend with your buddy Friar.

    That’s pretty awesome. I don’t have too many friends like that.


  15. Hmmmm…what does this coupled (not married) friend have to say? Well, I do miss him when he’s gone and I won’t apologize for that. However, I NEVER let my children interupt an adult conversation. They could wait. I NEVER put my small children on the phone to anybody, not even grandparents, that is just ridiculous. I HAVE invited my single friends to parties. They won’t come because they tell me they will be uncomfortable not having a partner. That would be their issue not mine. I WOULD never rent a video when I have company single or otherwise. Geepers creepers, it’s about visiting and getting caught up. People do have to book me in advance because I’m busy, BUT I was just as busy when I was single. I NEVER assume a single person is sitting around just waiting for me to invite them over at a moment’s notice, they have a life too…see pervious statement. So there…pthhhhhh!

  16. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    Hanging out with you helps me retain what little sanity I still have!


  17. I can assure you that we are not a “pukey” couple!

    @Brett: LOL. well played.


  18. Brett,
    I think that’s what I was trying to do. Can you point me to the right spot?

    Writer Dad
    Bad behavior will get you sent to your room…however, you seem to be very sensitive and aware and a good listener, I have a feeling you are probably NOT as bad as you think.
    How about a quizz.

    Do you still have more than one TOKEN single friend?

    When you see your single friends, do they actually get to respond to your “How are you” before you whip out your digital camera and make them sit through the latest 240 new pictures that you took over the last 2 days?

    When you go out to dinner with kidless family and single friends with your kids do you assume that THEY can’t wait to be seated right next to your kids because they haven’t had any time with them while you and your wife take the farthest chairs away so you can chat because- after all you see them all day…

    Do you pretend not to notice that your single friends and company’s arms have been turned into propellers while you are still busy relaxing on the comfy chair as your kids spin them around and around for the last hour?

    If you can safetly say no to all of these then we will spare you from time out. IF however, you cannot then fear not, Friar will be working on the Friar’s Handbook to Safely Keeping Single Friends for First Time Parents as soon as he has completed Bear’s Travels and Basil the Dog Series. He is a very busy man. Try to behave in the mean time……:)


  19. @Wendi – okay, I’m a parent (mind you, there are all growed up now), but I have never understood why any parent thinks visitors want to be involved with their children in anything other than a ‘hello, aren’t you cute?’ sort of way? I go to visit the adults for adult conversation! Not to listen to their childrens’ stories, not to read stories to their children, not to have to shout over their children’s rumpus and ruckus. My children were allowed to participate for a bit, and then they were sent away to play with a very clear message that it was now Adult Time. They never once had a problem with that, and generally drifted off in boredom before I had to send them away anyway.

  20. Brett Legree Says:

    @Wendi,

    Just go to the front page / main page of Friar’s blog and click on his Comments feed there. Of course, you get *all* of the comments that way, not just for the posts you’ve commented on – but that’s okay I find. They all make me laugh 🙂

  21. Friar Says:

    @Urban Panther
    Wow…you break all the rules I’ve listed here. Seems you are NOT the typical couple-with-kids-Mom. (And that’s a GOOD thing!).

    Despite the “Ptththhh’ you gave me, sounds like you and Lion would be a cool couple to hang out with. 🙂

    @Rebecca
    Thank God there for couples like you, that aren’t Pukey. Wish there were more.

    @Wendi (…????). Is that YOU?

    HAHAHAH! What you just wrote here is hilarious! :-D. I didn’t know you had it in you!

    Who knew Ms. Inspiration could tag-team with the crusty old Friar?

    I’d love to see more of this side of you on Lifes Little Inspirations!

    @Brett/Computer Consultant.
    Thanks for setting things straight (I woudln’t have a clue on how to answer these WordPress questions myself!).


  22. @Friar – Brett will report back on our coolness factor shortly I believe.


  23. Friar,

    LOL, Sorry for highjacking Uckle Friar’s Limelight, You got me in a Pet Peeve area that I have tolerated for a looooong time. And I love kids!! Just not when I am drafted.

    Yeah..I never know when humor might fall out of me, my family tells me I have no sense of humor, its always an accident. 🙂

    Brett…it worked. Thanks!

  24. Friar Says:

    @Panther
    Well…okay. Jury is out…pending on what Brett reports back to me about you guys…! 😉

    @Wendi…

    No…don’t’ apologize. I LOVE it…!

    Heck, if I had known you were this good, I’d have co-written the post with you! 🙂

  25. Brett Legree Says:

    @Wendi,

    My pleasure!

    @Panther,

    Yes, that’s right – Cathryn & I will finalize everything this weekend and then get in touch with you and Lion.


  26. Hey, People love my kids, they want to spend time with them, they like playing with them and talking on the phone with them. You guys are weird.

    I remember when Brett’s oldest was about 4. Brett was driving from THE DEEP to TO. Brett handed the phone to his son and I had a very good 30 minute conversation with him.

    In fact, I love Brett’s kids and I miss them. I spent a weekend with them last month and had a blast. I had a visit with Brett after they went to bed. Heck, I even put them to bed one night. I loved it.

    Maybe I am the weird one.

    @Brett – your children do you great honour. And that is the best thing you can say about a peson.

    You single people and childless couples should have more unprotected sex.

    Francis

  27. Brett Legree Says:

    @Francis,

    I must be weird too (that’s why we’re friends, after all!) – it was pretty awesome watching your kids on Skype video, especially when you guys were using sign language…

    And thanks, brother – may I say the same about you and your kids.

  28. Kelly Says:

    Francis,

    LOL!

    Oh, Ms. Chaffington…

    What would Friar blog about if he suddenly developed a love for goopy coupling and drippy, sniveling children?

    Until later,

    Kelly

  29. Friar Says:

    @Francis and Kelly

    Oh, YOU GUYS!!! I’m not as crusty as you think!

    There ARE normal families, with normal kids. And I’ve bonded with lots them. (I’m “Uncle Friar” to so many rug-rats, and not just my biological nephews).

    I have this special talent with kids. They seem to go nuts around me ,and flock to me (like flies on shit).

    And I get a lot of amusement out of it. (like getting them all wound up, and then leaving…so the parents have to deal with the aftermath!)

  30. Karen Swim Says:

    I read this and didn’t comment earlier, must have been interrupted by one of my married friends with kids who never calls. LOL! This is so hilarious and true! The one that bugs me is you’re on the phone (when they finally find 10 minutes to talk to you) and every 30 seconds they are screaming at the kids or dogs. Arrrrghh! Yes, after never talking to you I am more than happy to have you scream in my ear. I do love kids but I also love adult time. Growing up I cannot remember being rude when my mom was on the phone or running around like a maniac ever. Seriously.

  31. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    That’s what I don’t get. When I was a kid, if my parents were talking, I was to let them alone and NOT interrupt, unless it was really important. Otherwise, I got scolded for being rude.

    Today’s parents let their wunder-child interrupt at ANY opportunity, God Forbid should the kid not get attention every minute.

    I’ve been right in the middle of conversations, and suddenly had parents up and leave in mid-sentence, to deal with their brats. No apology, no ‘Excuse me a second”, its like Conversation OVER….whether I realize it or not.

    We’re raising a generation of kids who think the world revolves around them…makes me wonder what society’s gonna be like in 20 years?

  32. singleperson Says:

    This is both true & funny. I’d like to add one (recently happened to me and one of my other single friends)

    Decide you want to have a couples only dinner at a restaurant. But don’t tell the other couple that it’s couples only. This way they can inadvertently mention it to 2 of your single friends (since invitations are rather informal & loose in your group). Then disinvite the singles, letting them know it’s couples only.

    Bonus points if the 2 singles have spent hundreds and probably even a thousand or so on your weddings, bridal showers, taking you out right before you got married, presents for your babies, etc. Particularly if the 2 single people are women in their 40s who’ve had to come to terms with their not being married/having kids even though they would have liked to. You’re married, so you get to rub in their pariah status. Who cares if you make them cry and/or end a now worthless friendship?

  33. Friar Says:

    @singleperson

    Ohhh…that sounds AWFUL! (I must admit,..that hasn’t’ happened to me…YET).

    Well, if those couples treat their single friends that way….then they’re not worth hanging out with. I admit…if someone did that to me, it would be a show-stopper.

  34. singlism Says:

    All of my closest friends (some for over 20 years) are married with kids. Oh, and throw my sisters in that group as well. It’s amazing. After introducing most of them to their now spouses, going through the endless hoops of planning bridal showers, going to engagement parties, bachelorette parties, having a closest of hideous dresses for weddings that can last up to three days, planning baby showers, taking photographs of their endless “special occasions”, showing up for one-year old birthday parties, painting baby room murals, going to baptisms, ect… I also get the added benefit of never getting a phone call to see how I am doing, am subjected to endless excuses, always get the “here, Aunt Erin is on the phone” (apparently I’m every child’s Aunt – as if that’s going to make me go awwww! while they bang on drums, spit up all over me, you name it. Don’t get me started on the interruptions. None of them ever drive to my house. Some of them most likely don’t have my address. In the rare event that we make a plan that fits into their schedules, you can bet your ass it’s a place that is close and convienent to them. Here’s the biggest kick in the face. My single friend Mary planned a birthday party for me. Nothing crazy. Just a dinner at a very reasonable hour. I’ve gone out of my way the past few years to make new single friends so they were invited along with my lifelong married friends. Every single married couple with kids, not only r.s.v.p. that they couldn’t make it. ALL of them used their kids as the reason why. “Oh, I wish we could be their but little Katie has the sniffles”. I ask them for nothing – ever. Turns out a two hour dinner out having something to do with my life is too much to ask. I’ve concluded that they can all rot in suburbia. I called every one of them letting them know exactly how unbalanced our “supposed friendship” was and listed off the endless “one time only occasions” I’ve never missed. I also let them know that I only turn 39 “one time” a year so they can go eat dirt. And talk about shelling out big bucks for all their crap, I don’t ever want to think about that. Nope, can’t just show up empty handed. They pick out all their gifts on registries and I’m forced to sit and watch them unwrap a breast pump with excitement. Each of them felt horrible and you know what? They should. Have they made attempts to put energy into our friendship since? Hmmm. Nope. They disgust me with their selfishness, their condesending tones of voice, and their complete disregard for anyone but themselves. Just dump them. When they come running to talk to me about their divorces, or empty nest sydromes, I’m going to kick them in the face.


  35. […] Tips for Married Couples: How to Deal with your Single Friends […]

  36. zara Says:

    if a bachlor needs time from a married friend it is that they need them in good or bad times..if the maried fiend could not gv time to them atleast they could say some single motivational santences like”i am with you,dont worry all will be fine,i love you…
    as once apon a time they share with them all the gud and the bad memories happend to them,,its not there luck that they are not married?/
    its so so much rude that they gv the call to there kids and say talk to my kid,,its more disgusting and abusive…
    the friends are so precious that they could be treasured not waste in the ashes…
    Zara

  37. Ken Says:

    Let us live life one day at a time, looking to the future, without the contractual hindrances of marriage. Let us be secure in ourselves to maintain friendships and companionship by the merit of our personalities and demeanor, not by the contrivances of covenants, rituals and public displays.

  38. harriet Says:

    hilarious, it really is frustrating and hurtful that they become so disrespectful.

    all my friends do all those things, but they’re too much like family for me to cut off, so ignore them when I want and use them when I want, cos I have done so much for them when they were single and married. I used to find it hard to say no, but now I can be rude ( or assertive ) when I cant be bothered.

    one time my friends sister (also a friend) called me while i was shopping, I said ‘whats up’ or ‘what can I do for you’ cos i couldn’t bother to chat, she said oh nothing only that her niece wanted to talk to me!!! the kid is 2 n half! and wanted to say what sounded like ‘Im ok’. ha ha such entertainment. its ridiculous.

    I think if anyone treats you like that, they don’t value your time, or value you for that matter. but you can get a good idea about this from how they are before marriage as well.

    I hate hate the phone thing, happened to me today–that what led me to this site lol–it was a friend who moved away and married into a well off family and never replies to my emails because she doesn’t have connection, people in the poorest countries have internet!! so i finally got through to her after calling her 4 time previous day(as she came back into country to visit, so i wanted to say hi). she was constantly talking to her toddler so it was a lot of crappy boring small talk, and i must have asked her more question then she did me. then she ended it with oh we must sit and chat— that means you come see me at my house cos i have kid, and then I will waste the hours of your pathetic life, making you adore my child or watch me talk to him.

    I don’t really bother share any important issues with them, because I will either have to shout over their kids or never be able to finish the first sentence.

    I just hope I’m not that rude if I get married and have kids.

    They’ve kind of made me lose hope in friendships, now I try to invest more time in me and less on them or people in general unless people show me they value me.

  39. svc Says:

    How fun. What a great blog. It brings back memories, and gives insight. It is frustrating when you are the one making the effort most of the time. We can all learn from this but appreciating friendship more.

  40. chris Says:

    Yes Spot On Article
    My friends ALWAYS expect me to go to their house.
    After a while they started to ask for money to go towards the chicken dinner.(Even though they earn lots of money)……..

    BEFORE they moved to a bigger house in the country,my friend went around,saying”oh we were sick of people calling round to see us,so now we have BIGGER house,(and you have a smaller house)”
    And we expect you to get out here,and we can spend lots of time ,pumping up our egos,as we show you our BIG HOUSE.

    So after they moved to the bigger house in the country. They started getting angry,that friends did not visit them way out in the sticks..added to this,is the constant barrage of “Oh i am SO Busy,that i cannot really be bothered to listen to you,and cannot think of anything to say except “children’s poo/children’s clothes/children’s toys/children’s tantrums/children’s school problems/My problems with MY Children blah….etc etc
    And ask them to ring you. And you get the “OH I am SO busy,(i am the only person in the world with children,you know)

    Whereas Single people are lazy,self centered ,good for nothings,who think only of themselves. Aren’t They?

  41. Vixen Says:

    Love this, it is so true.

    I have a work friend who is married with two small children, and a live in nanny.
    I accept that she doesn’t have much spare time, and that family comes first. But seriously, is it expecting too much to go to a movie once in a while? Or to, god forbid, spend some time at MY house?! Hell I’d even settle for showing up when you said you would (or at least giving me more than 5 mins notice that you’re canceling).
    I mean, come on, I have babysat your kids on numerous occasions, catered your child’s birthday party and helped you paint your damned kitchen.
    All I ask is that ONCE, just ONCE, you show me that our friendship actually means something to you, like you keep saying it does.

  42. Friar Says:

    @Chris
    Yes…the “We’re so BUSY” excuse. I call it riding the “busy bus” and I blogged about it a while back.

    https://deepfriar.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/riding-the-busy-bus/

    @Vixen
    I know. I’ve had friends who said we should plan on getting together one afternoon and go for a hike or something. And 2-3 years later…we kept talking about it, kept cancelling and re-cancelling, aand it STILL didn’t happen. Do you mean to tell me they couldn’t make time for me for ONE afternoon in TWO years? Obviously, it wasn’t a priority.

  43. Vixen Says:

    Check this out:

    For my aforementioned friends birthday, I purchased her a spa package valued at $300. I booked it a month in advance, cleared the date with her hubby and drove 45 mins to and from the spa to arrange it. I had also planned to take her out for lunch beforehand.

    3 days before she tells me she has to ‘reschedule’ because her dad needs her to chop firewood this weekend.

    She can’t understand why I’m upset with her either.

  44. Daniela Says:

    Funny…BUT…as a female who got married for the first time at 37 and then had a baby a year after, it is really not easy to just get together or talk on the phone. I know you all don’t believe it, but it is just not easy. I left a 15 year career (after college) to stay at home with my child. I’m exhausted and just do not have a minute to myself. Please think of the other side before going off on your friend. Perhaps offer to help them out once in a while…I can tell you that I don’t have any help and it is extremely hard. I do like the idea of going out separately with friends instead of toting the kids along…but please keep things in perspective and go out and find some new hobbies or interests. Your friend with kids is actually really busy! Their priority is to their child first, not you.

  45. Karla Says:

    Idk but in my opinion I find it incredibly boring to talk to a lot of single people. They always talk about what bar they went to and the drinks over an over again. I mean I try to take an interest in all my friends activities but lets face it some are just more interesting than others and bar hopping is a real drag of a conversation. Same with video games, and whatever Netflix series they are watching. Single people are always so defensive too, at no provocation just derailing the convo into why they aren’t getting married or having kids. I don’t really care about why you’re not doing something, no one is forcing you too, just let go of this presumed judgement married people are passing because you look ridiculous and it gets old after hearing it over and over. I would honestly rather talk about baby poo.


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