The Viking Little Destruction Book

Try to spill at least two quarts of blood every week.

To control your temper, remember to count to ONE.

Learn to smash something beautiful with your hands.

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Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses.   Just storm their castle, and take their stuff anyway.

Encourage your children to learn sword-play, as soon as they are weaned.

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Be meaner than necessary.

Try to eat something besides read meat.  There is also bacon, ham, mutton, and if need be, fish.

Spend less time worrying about who’s right and who’s wrong.  Just SMASH.

Collect Thor Comics.

If Life hands you lemons, STOMP ON ‘EM!

viking-lemon-stomp

Never cut off what can be torn off.

Support the local economy.  Pillage nearby merchants, even if it costs a little bit more.

Never use profanity.   Except when fighting, pillaging, drinking, and speaking.

viking-swear-jar_bw1

Don’t expect money to bring you happiness.  There is also loot, women, grog and banquets.

Avoid burning bridges.  But if you must, also cut down and burn all surrounding trees, so that the bridge can’t be rebuilt.

Don’t expect life to be fair.  MAKE IT fair!

When you’re a guest, compliment your host on the meal, before you take their loot.

viking-destruction-5

Hear both sides equally, before going berserk.

When there’s no time for a work-out, bench press your Drakaar.

viking-destruction-4

Never forget to rekindle old pillage fires.

Instead of using the word “problem”, yell out “NYARRRGH!” and swing your battle-axe at something.

Have someone read you a book.

If there is a last slice of pizza, just TAKE it.

When undecided what color to paint a room, burn it down.

viking-destruction-1

Street musicians are a treasure…stop and listen.  If they amuse you, let them live.  IF not, slay them and take their coins, which are now rightfully yours.

Equal pay, for equal pillage.

When your wife and you have an argument, don’t get angry.   Instead, step outside, take a deep breath, and invade England.

Never underestimate the power of a kind sword.

When a child falls and skins their knee,  take them gently into your lap, tell them to stop crying, and to suck it up and take one for Odin.

Opportunity can knock very softly…learn to listen for it.   Then smash the door down!

viking-destruction-2

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.   So if your first impression is not successful, then slay your new colleague.

Make a list of twenty-five things you want to do before you die.    Do them.  And then die.

And finally, ALWAYS be the BEST VIKING you know how to be.

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21 Comments on “The Viking Little Destruction Book”

  1. Steph Says:

    LOL!! These were hilarious!! As usual…what else could I expect from you? 🙂

    I wonder if whoever wrote The Havamal would agree?

    🙂

  2. Brett Legree Says:

    They’re even funnier when you’ve had 4 or 5 pints of beer… 😉

  3. Friar Says:

    @Steph
    I think the Havamal authors would approved…too bad nobody drew cartoons a thousand years ago!

    @Brett
    This post was even funnier to write, after 4-5 pints of beer! 🙂

  4. Karen JL Says:

    “Do them. And then die.” Bffffftt! Ha! Love it.

    I’ll go drink 4-5 pints of beer and read them again (it’s only 9:30 AM…seems fine).

    And those vikings can really do the splits. They must have been a limber sort. 🙂

  5. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Heh…I didn’t notice. Quite a few of them ARE doing the splits, aren’t they?

    (It’s all that kicking and smashing and pillaging)

  6. Brett Legree Says:

    @Karen,

    Whenever I have to do the splits, I just have 4 or 5 pints of beer.

    Oh, and wear a kilt. That helps.

    @Friar,

    Whaddya mean no one drew cartoons a thousand years ago? What about Asterix?

  7. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Oh yeah….!

    And actually, Asterix DID meet with the Vikings.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asterix_and_the_Vikings

  8. Steph Says:

    After 4 or 5 pints of beer…well. NOTHING would be even remotely funny, I have to say, because I’d be unconscious or dead. No tolerance, I’m afraid. The Vikings would have made fun of me and kicked me out of the gang for sure! I’d be hanging my head in exiled shame.

  9. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    Just a few months ago, I’d get pretty buzzed after 4 beer. But after practicing drinking pints with Brett, it hardly seems to affect me anymore. I’m building up a health tolerance.

    If the Friar can do it…so can you! 🙂

    Brett is SUCH a good influence on me. REALLY, he is. 😀

  10. Brett Legree Says:

    LOL just wait until I get my mead making operation up and running, then we’ll be doing some mega damage 😉

  11. t.sterling Says:

    I’m in tears… that was hilarious. I think I want to be a viking now. Or at least exercise the little viking inside of me that I’m sure we all must possess.

  12. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    I was going to quote my favorite—”Hear both sides equally, before going berserk.” But then half the rest were my favorites, too. Super, super. One of your funniest posts ever, and the cartoons are perfect.

    This one was where I lost it completely and stopped counting faves: “When a child falls and skins their knee, take them gently into your lap, tell them to stop crying, and to suck it up and take one for Odin.” I see you’ve met my mother. (She has many fine qualities, but empathy for little people’s boo-boos is not among them!)

    I think I’ll go stomp on some lemons now. 🙂

    Regards,

    Kelly

  13. Kelly Says:

    Ooh, Brett,

    http://www.lindisfarne-mead.co.uk/Shop/ProductsList.aspx?CategoryID=1

    For before you get the operations up and running. Best mead ever.

    Okay, the only actual mead I’ve ever had, but still, the best ever. Seriously, treat yourself. It’s incredible stuff.

    Later,

    Kelly

  14. Friar Says:

    @t.sterling.

    I think you hit it right on the head…there’s a little Viking in all of us, and we secretly wish we can sometimes be “in your face” like they are!

    @Kelly

    Well, I’m actually GLAD to hear that, because I thought this post was funny. But with the exception of a the few commenters here, this post has gotten a luke-warm response. (Seems the blogosphere today is more interested in Mommies telling us what little Justin puked up for breakfast!)

    @Kelly again

    REALLY? They actually make MEAD, still? (I though that went out with the 1300’s!)

    I wanna try it, though.

  15. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    You MUST get some. Then you must drive to New York and share it with me, and my parents who I accidentally addicted to it. Even my mother (she of the low empathy), who normally stays away from alcohol (diabetes doesn’t go well with liquor, apparently).

    “Got any more?” she hiccoughed, after we’d gone through all I brought.

    There’s a whole mystique to the place it’s made, a monastery on a peninsula that becomes an island with the tides every night, old recipe, the works. You feel as though you’ve travelled back in time with a glass of the stuff. You may require a 45-oz. steak, or a leg of mutton, and a big hunk of bread…

    Anyway, get it and drink it with Brett. The stuff is ambrosia. I don’t have fine enough words for it, really. And the people who import it…oh, dear, I hope they’ll import it to Canada now that I’ve spoken so kindly of their mead… well, they’re very nice. Maybe it’s easier to CAN, you being semi-Brits and all. DO get some, and email me so I can hear how much you loved it.

    How often do I give a testimonial like that?

    Later,

    Kelly

  16. Brett Legree Says:

    Mead.

    Apparently it is still quite popular in the UK, and also through Europe (Poland has several, for instance).

    The LCBO only carries *one* variety, and only by special order i.e. by the case, and at $21.99 per bottle and 12 per case I haven’t ordered any! Though I’m going to track down some when I am in the GTA at Christmas.

    I know it isn’t the one Kelly linked to, which looks pretty cool, BTW. And there are some independents in Ontario who make it but I’ll have to drive to get it. I found some local honey producers and I think I’ll try my (Viking) hand at it!

  17. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Kelly, after a testimonial like that…well, now I HAVE to try it!

    (Along with a leg of mutton, I can picture it being served by a medi-eval serving wench, who wears one of those 13th centure costumes that pushes up the cleavage…..but I digress here!).

    But that’s what Vikings would want, anyway! NYARGGH! I shall get MEAD!!! 😀

    @Brett
    I knew you’d know where to find this stuff. I guess it would have to be Southern Ontario…not too many bee keepers up north, eh?

    20 bucks a bottle, eh? (Well, I’d STILL want to try some). Mabye actually just to taste (and not to get drunk on!)


  18. Your twisted mind is a beautiful thing.

  19. Friar Says:

    @Jaden

    Brett helped inspire me…it’s partly HIS fault 🙂

  20. Zoe Says:

    Fantastic! Oh, the good old days when there were castles to storm. I must go out and buy myself a battle-axe.

  21. Friar Says:

    @Zoe

    Hurray…! Another convert! 😀

    It was much simpler then. No cell phones or emails. The Vikings just DID things!


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