Friar’s Guide to Blogging Stereotypes
The Harmless Motivator
Hey, here are some tricks I figured out that motivate me and make me more productive. Try them if you want. Maybe they’ll work for you too.
The Forceful Motivator
Hey, YOU! Here are some motivational tricks I figured out that are GUARANTEED to motivate you and make you more productive. So LISTEN TO ME because I KNOW BETTER. If you don’t, then it’s YOUR fault that you’re unhappy.
The Questionable Motivator
Listen to me, and I’ll tell you how to succeed. (Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to sneak out the window, because the landlord’s at the door and I don’t have the rent money.)
The Snake-Oil Salesman
Pssst…buddy. C’mere!…Yeah, YOU….Listen, I’ve got it all figured out. You don’t have to work for a living. I know how to make TONS of money blogging. It’s SO EASY. Now…if you’ll just send me some cash, I’ll teach you how to ask other people to send YOU money too. Better buy my secret NOW, though. There are only so many electrons to go around on the Internet, so supplies ARE limited!
The Substitute Teacher
Gee, with all these Motivators hogging the spotlight, I kinda feel left out. So sit back while I state something blatantly obvious. Then I’ll expect you to all thank me afterward for enlightening you.
The Cool Kid
I’m the dominant alpha blogger, hear me roar. I can do no wrong. I can write about anything (i.e. selecting linoleum patterns for your basement) and you’ll hang on to my every word, weeping tears of joy and praising me. My blog is where the party is always happening. Come one over…you KNOW you want to be here. If you’re lucky, I MIGHT let you inside. I might even acknowledge your comment. But make it a GOOD one…don’t be wasting my time!
The Kumbaya Granola-Child.
Um, violence and war and racism are bad…like, you know? If only we’d stop hating and being so mean to each other, then Spaceship Mother Earth would be such a happier place. Now I’m going to appear wise by quoting John Lennon’s Imagine. I’ll be the first person to do that since the song came out in 1971.
Talk Amongst Yourselves
This (insert random event here) happened to me. What do YOU do when (insert random event here) happens to YOU?
The Arrogant Liberal
Sorry I’m grumpy, but my arm is sore from patting myself on the back so much. It’s just that everyone is STUPID…(except me and the people who agree with me). Now, if ONLY everyone thought like us, the world’s problems would all be solved.
Hey, go check out the Cool Kids’ blogs. No, REALLY. GO check them out. OMG, it’s like, they are SO GREAT. If you hang out with them, they might, like, even speak to you. And it’s so, like (scream)..TOTALLY AWESOME!
Yes, I know your kids are cute. But MINE are even CUTER. And I would be doing the world in enormous disservice if I didn’t regale everyone with all my kids’ potty-story antics in precise, painful detail. Because I’m the first Mom who’s ever experienced these things, you know.
Blogging is a responsibility I take VERY seriously. The World depends on my wit and wisdom, and it’s my self-imposed duty to keep posting and commenting every day. I expect you to do the same. Otherwise, the whole Social Network will come crashing down and we’ll be forced to go outside and get some fresh air and sunshine.
Oooh, look at me. I’m so f***cking smart and so f***cking self-important, I don’t care WHAT people think of me. They’ll read what I have to say, and they’ll LIKE it. See? I don’t even have to watch my f**cking language. F**ck, f**ck, f**ck, f**ck, sh*t, sh*t, f**ck. You don’t like it? I don’t give a sh*t. F**ck you.
The Blue-Box Recycler
Hello, I haven’t strung together an original thought in months. So I’ll just write about other bloggers and just rehash what THEY’RE talking about. Barring that, I’ll invite someone to post something on my own blog so I won’t actually have to write anything.
The Crying Kleenex-Boxer
(Sniff…Sob! Sob!) Did you hear the story about Little Timmy with no arms and legs? He knew he wasn’t good at sports, but he never quit. He offered to be the school’s practice hockey puck. With his help, his team won the State Championship. (Sob…) Check him out on YouTube, you can see him sliding on the ice, he looks so happy and determined. Sniff…It’s SO BEAUTIFUL….I just feel just so inspired and empowered reading this. Bless you, Little Timmy….BLESS YOU (Waaah!)
The Class Clown
Hey! You there! Made ya look! Did you laugh yet? Huh? Did ya? Lookit me. No….LOOKIT! Lookit! Lookit ! Lookit! (I won’t stop until I make you squirt milk through your nose!) 😉