The Amazing Friar’s Psychic Predictions for 2009

Hollywood will take an old comic strip or an old TV show, and it will be re-hashed into another tired old movie-remake.

Canadians will have one of the coldest winters in recent memory, and nobody will say anything. But there will a week-long heat wave in the summer, and all the Global Warming alarmists will suddenly start screaming.

There will be a Latest Gizmo (video game, cell phone, Ipod-thingy). Everyone will HAVE to have one, and they’ll be lining up outside stores overnight to get it. Six months later, the NEXT Latest Gizmo will come out, and the old Gizmo will be in the bargain bin at Wall-Mart.

“Twitter” will become obsolete, and will no longer be the “Cool Kids” blogging tool of choice. It will be replaced by something called “Tweedle” or “Twirtle”.

A hurricane will hit the Gulf Coast. A Fox News reporter will be out there, covering the event live, trying to talk to the camera in 90 mph horizontal winds.

A celebrity will say or do something really stupid, which will cause a scandal. North America will obsess on it for 2 weeks, and temporarily forget about the financial crisis or the problems in the Middle East.

Oprah may chose to invite said celebrity on her show, and publicly absolve them of their sins.

Even with Obama as the new president, half the planet will still still hate the U.S.

A blogger will write a touching post about their kids, causing a global estrogen-gush of joyful empathy from the Blogosphere.

More wind-farms will be built, thus reducing our dependence on non-renewable petroleum resources by 0.0001%

One of the Big Three auto makers will come up with a new Behemoth-SUV that gets 2 gallons per mile. Thus increasing our dependence on non-renewable petroleum resources by 5%.

A Newbie blogger will write a literary masterpiece and nobody will acknowledge it. A Cool Kid blogger will write about what jam they ate for breakfast Β and they’ll get 1450 comments.

The goverment will implement a tax-cut to help quell the financial crisis. This will be the equivalent each family being able to afford one additional large pizza a month.

China will somehow find a way to screw-up yet another consumer product, and there will be massive re-calls. (Possibly lead-based lip-balm, or baby food containing ground glass).

Madonna will change her image once more, to keep distracting us from the fact that she has no talent.

Simon Cowell will make someone cry on Americian Idol.

The Deep Friar will continue to make smart-ass posts like this one. πŸ˜‰

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32 Comments on “The Amazing Friar’s Psychic Predictions for 2009”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    You know what I love about you?

    You use words like “quell” in a post, mocking all things intelligent or unintelligent. You are the smartest ranter out there. Can’t get enough Friar.

    Love the wind farm vs. the SUV, and the masterpiece vs. the jam. SO true. Both will absolutely happen. You are a psychic.

    Email subscribe to comments? When did this happen? Hooray!!!

    Regards,

    Kelly

  2. Karen JL Says:

    Creepy. Just creepy.

    How, oh wise one, could you possibly know all of this??

    I predict all of Friar’s predictions will happen. (Cue creepy Twilight Zone music…) πŸ™‚

  3. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    quell.

    Heh heh. I probably got that from playing Scrabble, once.

    As for:

    “Email subscribe to comments? When did this happen? Hooray!!!”

    Don’t ask me how that happened! I have no idea.

    But that’s a GOOD thing, right? πŸ˜‰

    @Karen
    Yeah, I should buy a lottery ticket or something. I predict the next Lotto 6-49 winning numbers will be 1-2-3-4-5-6.

    That might sound stupid, but hey. Those numbers are just as likely as 2-13-25-34-37-48.

  4. pcunix Says:

    But – it will be a GOOD pizza.

    Tragically, the pizza sellers will still have to approach the Guvmint for a bailout, wailing “We have no dough to buy dough to make dough!”. The Powers That Be will fail to appreciate the self-referential pun and will send them packing while giving us yet another useless tax credit.

    By the time we get it, there will be no pizza shops still extant.

    But we’ll have memories. They can’t take that away from us.

  5. Friar Says:

    @pcunix

    The pizza shops will have to compete with imported pizza from Asia (which might contain sawdust or melanin!)

  6. feefifoto Says:

    Friar, I’m going to hold you to this. I’m bookmarking this post and keeping score and calling you to task next December.

  7. Friar Says:

    @fee

    Okay..then.

    But mark my words…

    These things WILL happen!! πŸ˜€

  8. Brett Legree Says:

    Friar,

    The pizza shops in Splat Creek won’t have a problem competing with China. One was shut down years ago because the health inspector found rats – not rat droppings, but rats – in the store room, in the flour.

  9. Friar Says:

    @Brett

    Ohhh…GLAD to hear that was before my time, before I moved to Splat Creek.

    We have that new restaurant in town…their pizza is pretty decent. Better than the God-Awfuls franchise rubber-mozarello type.

  10. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    Really, it just showed up? Wow, cool. It’s a very good thing. I predict Friar’s comments, which already make me completely jealous, will now soar through the roof and swell my email inbox. Hooray for Friar.

    Until later,

    Kelly

  11. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Aww..shucks. If everyone was like you, I’d have more traffic than Dooce.

  12. steph Says:

    Something is telling me to buy a lottery ticket using the numbers you randomly picked above. And not the 123456 ones.

    I think these are very good predictions, all likely to come true, though if one of the Big Three does build a behemoth, I will once again have to question their logic in such an economic climate!

    The celebrity doing something stupid…that’s a given. Happens every day! πŸ™‚

  13. steph Says:

    I forgot to add, however, that maybe it will be Brett and not said celebrity who ends up on Oprah!

  14. Brett Legree Says:

    @steph,

    Now that you’ve said it, I wouldn’t want to disappoint you so it will *definitely* be me on Oprah πŸ˜‰

  15. t.sterling Says:

    Sounds like this will be a fun year. How long until I need to fix up my bomb shelter?

  16. Amy Says:

    Madonna and wind-farm in the same post.

    You planned that, didn’t you? πŸ˜‰

  17. Friar Says:

    @Steph

    Aww…c’mon. Go buy the 1-2-3-4-5-6 lottery ticket. You KNOW you wanna!

    And if Brett ends up on Oprah, I hope he remembers to put in a good word for his buddy Friar.

    @Brett
    If not Oprah, would Dr. Phil be an exceptable alternative?

    @t.
    I’ll have to check the tea leaves. Surely, there are already signs of the impending apocalypse (Dick Clark is showing signs of ageing, for example!).

    @Amy
    I bet I’m the first person EVERm who’s blogged about Madonna and windfarms on the same post.


  18. I’m picturing cartoon Friar in a fortune teller turban with a big jewel in the middle.

    LOVE the cold winter/heat wave/global warming prediction. Happens every year, and my husband gets all worked up about it. When we’re walking outside in -10 degree weather, he always says, “Damn that global warming!”

  19. Brett Legree Says:

    Friar,

    I want to get on Dr. Phil just to say to him “You’re bald because you want to be bald.”

  20. Friar Says:

    @Rebecca
    I’m thinking something along the lines of Karnac the Magnificent (like Johnny Carson used to do).

    Biggest. Turban. Ever. I want one like that.

    @Brett
    Or you can say: “You’re bald…how’s THAT working for you?” πŸ˜‰


  21. LOL – I’ve been following the “Orwell Diaries” where George Orwell’s entries from exactly 70 years ago are posted daily as if he were writing a blog. There are many, like today’s for example, that mention only how many eggs he ate.

    Your comment about the jam made me think of this immediately…

    http://orwelldiaries.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/12139/

    ~Graham

  22. Friar Says:

    @Graham

    Orwell was SO ahead of his time.

    Is it possible he was the FIRST blogger?

    If he were alive today, he’d give the Cool Kids a run for their money! πŸ˜‰


  23. ‘3 eggs”

    Graham- that is priceless and then the comments are just mirrors of the people who make them… interactive performance art…. sheesh and right here on the blog of blogs….

    Friar- I too am mesmerized by the use of quell. Who needs the Left Bank in Paris, we have Splatt Creek. πŸ˜‰

  24. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    I like that…’3 eggs’.

    No toast. No coffee. No jam.

    Knowing George Orwell, he probably DID literally only eat three eggs.

    Probably not enough to QUELL his appetite! πŸ™‚


  25. Okay, I may have to post one morning… oatmeal, with cranberries and pecans, and a sprinkle of cream… and leave it at that.

    Hey cool that the comments subscribe. πŸ˜‰

  26. XUP Says:

    I just suddenly and irrecoverably fell in love with you. It all started on Panther’s blog and snowballed from there. I’m going to put you on my blogroll and stalk you mercilessly. So there.

  27. Kelly Says:

    Ooh, stalkers. Cool.

    What’d you do at Panther’s? Did I miss something today?

    Running to find out…

  28. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Wee Friar,

    Yes you’re the first to blog about Modonna and wind-farms in the same post.

    But the UK Telegraph beat you too it, as a true-to-life newspaper article. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1381409/Skibo-Castles-owner-fights-20m-wind-farm.html

    [The owner of Skibo Castle, where Madonna was married, is concerned that his famous guests could soon be looking at a wind farm, rather than “mountains and heather”. Peter de Savary said yesterday he would do all he could to stop the development of a 20-turbine power plant within sight of the golf and spa resort.”]

  29. Kelly Says:

    Darn. My mom never does research for me. I think I need to retrain her. πŸ™‚

  30. Friar Says:

    @Janice

    Yeah, but no eggs? No bacon? (Too much nuts and berries!). Where’s the grease?

    @XUP
    I’ve bumped into you here and there…Welcome to my blog. (Just promise you wont’ stalk me TOO seriously)! The ladies here are already giving me a run for my money! πŸ™‚

    @Kelly
    Stalkers. Hmm…is this a GOOD thing, or a bad thing? (What will my poor Mom think?)

    @Friar’s Mom
    Okay..THANKS! (You know, it never occurred to me to look that up…but truth is stranger than fiction!). πŸ˜‰

    @Kelly
    My Mom also provides me editorial comments on my posts, from time to time. Maybe you can hire her out. If you’re interested, I can hook the two of you up! πŸ™‚

  31. Evelyn Lim Says:

    Oh wow…you’re a psychic??? Your predictions sure sound like they are going to happen. Do you offer readings for clients? I may just want to get one on whether I’m going to strike lottery this year.

  32. Friar Says:

    @Evelyn

    Well, it woudl be safe to say I’m probably no more or no less clairvoyant than the other psychics out there claim to be.

    And I predict, my lottery predictions will be just as accurate as theirs! πŸ˜‰


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