An Open Letter to Lucky Charms Cereal
Dear Shooting Star and Lucky Hat;
Didn’t you used to be the Orange Star and Green Clover? Along with the Pink Heart and Yellow Moon, you used to be part of the Fab Four: the original four marshmallows that made up Lucky Charms when it first came out. We grew up with you and loved you.
But look at you now. What happened? You’ve obviously had some work done…you’ve enhanced your looks. You’ve gone all Hollywood on us….You’ve CHANGED, man!
Dear Red Balloon;
I dunno. You don’t look like much of a balloon. More like a blob. I know you once helped Lucky escape from those thieving little shits who tried to steal you. But that was like 20 years ago. What have you done for us LATELY?
PS. I hope your red dye doesn’t cause cancer.
Dear Blue Moon;
Hey, didn’t you used to be yellow!?
It’s too bad you felt you had to change your color. You should accept yourself of who you, and embrace your yellow heritage. We did. It’s not about how you look, but how sweet you taste in the bowl.
Dear Purple Horseshoe;
You were a late-comer. But I admit, you’ve withstood the test of time, and you’re here to stay. And we’ve grown to love you. You’re the best purple breakfast marshmallow, ever.
Dear Rainbow and Hour-Glass;
Lookit the new-fangled three-dimensional multicolored marshmallows!
You know, you look really cool. And it probably took a NASA scientist to figure out a way to extrude you. But you don’t really fool me. You’re all show…and no substance. If I close my eyes, you taste exactly the same as all your other corn-syrup-gelatin flavored buddies.
Dear Pink Heart;
In today’s hectic fast-paced society, where a typical attention span lasts for a minute, it’s good to see some things never change. You’re still the same Pink Heart you were 40 years ago. In fact, as far as I know you’re the ONLY marshmallow that’s still around from the original Fab Four. Kudos to you for staying true to yourself.
PS. Whatever happened to the Blue Diamond? How come he got kicked out of your group? He’s like the Pete Best of breakfast cereals.
And last but not least:
Uhhh…thanks for coming out.
General Mills tries to advertise that you’re now made of “Whole grains”. “Part of a Good Breakfast”. (Snicker). Yeahhh…Right. 😀
As IF that little bit of fibre will make up for the fact that the Lucky Charms itself is 40% by weight sugar! (Yes! 40%! Check the box!)
But seriously. You’re NOT really that important. We don’t necessarily like you. We tolerate you.
You’re basically filler to spread the marshmallows around, so that kids don’t end up eating pure candy for breakfast. You could be sawdust, for all anyone cares.
If you don’t believe me, just try to make it on your own, WITHOUT the marshmallows. (Yeah…That’ll work!) See how long you last.