Ladies and Gentlemen (Mesdames et Messieurs…).
We all know flying can at times be really annoying. Delays, crowded airports, turbulence, screaming kids, cramped seats, etc…
But those annoyances, I can at least tolerate.
But there’s one thing that I have a bee in my bonnet about. That sets my teeth on edge. That makes me want to gouge my eyes out.
It’s the ANNOUNCEMENTS.
Those #$%@ ANNOUNCEMENTS. Whether it’s a 40 minute flight, or across the ocean. It’s the SAME annoucments, over and over.
Let’s do a count. For each and every flight, we get:
– The pre-take-off instructions (safety exits, please put your seats upright, how to fasten your seat belt, where the oxygen masks are located).
– Just after take-off instructions (please remain seated, the bathrooms are located in the back, and if you’ve grown up in cave, this is a non-smoking plane).
– We-will-be-selling headphones announcement (oh…so THAT explains why the lady is selling headphones!)
– We-will-be-serving snacks announcement.
– We-will-be serving-juice-or-water announcment (oh..so THAT explains why the lady is handing out beverages!)
– We-will-be-landing-soon announcement (please put your seats up again, and stow your gear, etc.)
– Landing announcement (Please remain seated until the plane comes to a complete stop, thank you for flying Crap-Jet, etc. )
Holy crap. That’s seven announcements each flight. And if you fly across the country like I recently did, with 2 additional connecting flights, you might end up with TWENTY ONE announcements.
And I CAN’T drown them out. I try to. I try to nap. Read. Do a crossword. But my brain still make me listen to this drivel.
And it’s the WAY they talk to us that gets to me. It goes on and on, and they treat us like we’re idiots.
Ladies and Gentlemen, should you have to take a dump during the flight, we encourage you to use the toilets at the rear of the plane. When you’re finished, please remember to wipe your arse in a circular motion, using the toilet paper provided in the dispenser to your right. Should you require any assistance, please let the flight attendants know, and we will only be happy to help you with your wiping activities.
And did I say seven announcements per flight? Sorry. Double that..and make it FOURTEEN.
Because in Canada, we use two official languages, and everything needs to be repeated in FRENCH.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-French. In fact, I’m bilingual… Which is the problem.
You see, I can’t ignore ignore the French announcements anymore than I can ignore the English ones. So (sigh) I have to here everything TWICE.
It wouldn’t be so bad if it were human beings actually speaking French. But that’s not often the case. Usually they make their announcements in English..then they play the equivalent voice recording in French. And then you get to hear the dread ROBOT-LADY.
God, I HATE the Robot-Lady!!! As soon as I hear “Mesdames et Messieurs“, I want to poke ice-picks into to my ear-drums and go deaf.
Because the Robot-Lady speaks such a perfectly-clipped French, with all the accents and verbs conjugated verbs and liasons…It’s just so ANNOYING. I lived in Quebec almost half my life…I grew up there…and I can tell you…nobody there speaks that way…NOBODY!
It’s so artificial and fake, and condescending, you know it’s got to be a robot, or some kind of smarmy computer-generated voice.
Mesdames et Messieurs: Si vous avez besoin de chier durant le vol, nous vous encourageons d’utiliser la toilette située a l’arrière de l’avion. Aussitôt que vous avez fini, s’il vous plaît, rapplellez-vous de nettoyer votre cul the façon circulaire, avec le papier hygienique qui est disponible à votre droite. Si vous avez besoin de l’aide, n’hésitez pas a demander de l’assistance, et nous serons heureux de vous aider avec vos activités de nettoyage.
So including my two connecting flights, that’s a grand total FORTY TWO announcements.
Do the math. For 7 hours of flying time, that’s an annoucment every 10 minutes, on average. (Even more often than that, for the short 1-hour flights).
It’s like sitting next to an annoying person that constantly interupts you. Where you want to yell shut up…shut up…for the love of God, won’t you PLEASE SHUT UP!!!
(Mabye if I bang my head, I can give myself a stroke, and blot out the French-Language part in my brain so it will just sound like blah-blah-blah).
Look, I know we have to inform people about safety, to keep the lawyers and Walter Safety and everyone happy. So can I propose a solution?
At the beginning the the flight, we ask everyone: “How many of you have never been on a plane? Raise your hand. ”
And then we take these people aside, and give them a 15-minute crash course on how sit in a plane and act like a passengers. Then we bring them back on board, and we continue our trip in blissful silence.
But we should also ask a second set of questions:
“How many of your are morons, who STILL don’t know how to do up a seat belt? Who can’t figure out how to use the volume control on the TV? Or can’t understand the concept of “Cofee, juice or water? ” without having it explained umpteen times in mutliple languages? Who spastically will open the overhead compartments and get skulled by some loose carry-on luggage that will have shifted during flight?”
Well, we take THOSE people off the plane. And leave without them.
Seriously. If you’re THAT stupid, you shouldnt’ fly.