Ladies and Gentlemen (Mesdames et Messieurs…).

We all know flying can at times be really annoying.   Delays, crowded airports, turbulence, screaming kids, cramped seats, etc…  

But those annoyances, I can at least tolerate.

But there’s one thing that I have a bee in my bonnet about.  That sets my teeth on edge.  That makes me want to gouge my eyes out.

It’s the ANNOUNCEMENTS.

Those #$%@ ANNOUNCEMENTS.    Whether it’s a 40 minute flight, or across the ocean.  It’s the SAME annoucments, over and over.

Let’s do a count.   For each and every flight, we get:

 – The pre-take-off instructions  (safety exits, please put your seats upright, how to fasten your seat belt, where the oxygen masks are located).  

– Just after take-off instructions (please remain seated, the bathrooms are located in the back, and if you’ve grown up in cave, this is a non-smoking plane).

– We-will-be-selling headphones announcement  (oh…so THAT explains why the lady is selling headphones!)

– We-will-be-serving snacks announcement.

– We-will-be serving-juice-or-water announcment  (oh..so THAT explains why the lady is handing out beverages!)

– We-will-be-landing-soon announcement (please put your seats up again, and stow your gear, etc.)

– Landing announcement (Please remain seated until the plane comes to a complete stop, thank you for flying Crap-Jet,  etc. )

 Holy crap.   That’s seven announcements each flight.   And if you fly across the country like I recently did, with 2 additional connecting flights, you might end up with TWENTY ONE announcements.  

And I CAN’T drown them out.  I try to.   I try to nap.   Read.    Do a crossword.  But my brain still make me listen to this drivel.

And it’s the WAY they talk to us that gets to me.   It goes on and on, and they treat us like we’re idiots.    

Ladies and Gentlemen, should you have to take a dump during the flight, we encourage you to use the toilets at the rear of the plane.   When you’re finished, please remember to wipe your arse in a circular motion, using the toilet paper provided in the dispenser to your right.   Should you require any assistance, please let the flight attendants know, and we will only be happy to help you with your wiping activities.

And did I say seven announcements per flight?  Sorry.   Double that..and make it FOURTEEN.

Because in Canada, we use two official languages, and everything needs to be repeated in FRENCH.    

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not anti-French.  In fact, I’m bilingual… Which is the problem.  

You see, I can’t ignore ignore the French announcements anymore than I can ignore the English ones.   So (sigh) I have to here everything TWICE.  

It wouldn’t be so bad if it were human beings actually speaking French.   But that’s not often the case.   Usually they make their announcements in English..then they play the equivalent voice recording in French.  And then you get to hear the dread ROBOT-LADY. 

God, I HATE the Robot-Lady!!!   As soon as I hear “Mesdames et Messieurs“, I want to poke ice-picks into to my ear-drums and go deaf.  

Because the Robot-Lady speaks such a perfectly-clipped French, with all the accents and verbs conjugated verbs and liasons…It’s just so ANNOYING.    I lived in Quebec almost half my life…I grew up there…and I can tell you…nobody there speaks that way…NOBODY!   

It’s so artificial and fake, and condescending, you know it’s got to be a robot, or some kind of smarmy computer-generated voice. 

Mesdames et Messieurs:   Si vous avez besoin de chier durant le vol, nous vous encourageons d’utiliser la toilette située a l’arrière de l’avion.   Aussitôt que vous avez fini, s’il vous plaît,  rapplellez-vous de nettoyer votre cul the façon circulaire, avec le papier hygienique qui est disponible à votre droite.   Si vous avez  besoin de l’aide, n’hésitez pas a demander de l’assistance, et nous serons heureux de vous aider avec vos activités de nettoyage. 

So including my two connecting flights, that’s a grand total FORTY TWO announcements.  

Do the math.   For 7 hours of flying time, that’s an annoucment every 10 minutes, on average.   (Even more often than that, for the short 1-hour flights).  

It’s like sitting next to an annoying person that constantly interupts you.  Where you want to yell shut up…shut up…for the love of God, won’t you PLEASE SHUT UP!!! 

(Mabye if I bang my head, I can give myself a stroke, and blot out the French-Language part in my brain so it will just sound like blah-blah-blah). 

Look, I know we have to inform people about safety, to keep the lawyers and Walter Safety and everyone happy.   So can I propose a solution?

At the beginning the the flight, we  ask everyone:   “How many of you have never been on a plane?   Raise your hand. ”

And then we take these people aside, and give them a 15-minute crash course on how sit in a plane and act like a passengers.  Then we bring them back on board, and we continue our trip in blissful silence.

But we should also ask a second set of questions:

How many of your are morons, who STILL don’t know how to do up a seat belt?   Who can’t figure out how to use the volume control on the TV?  Or can’t understand the concept of   “Cofee, juice or water? ” without having it explained umpteen times in mutliple languages?  Who spastically will open the overhead compartments and get skulled by some loose carry-on luggage that will have shifted during flight?”

Well, we take THOSE people off the plane.  And leave without them. 

Seriously.   If you’re THAT stupid, you shouldnt’ fly.

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16 Comments on “Ladies and Gentlemen (Mesdames et Messieurs…).”

  1. davinahaisell Says:

    I hadn’t thought about the people who are bilingual having to listen to these messages twice — lol. Hard to believe that there are SO many announcements. I wasn’t aware till you’ve mentioned it. I get a similar thing here in Vancouver taking the seabus over to the North Shore. They have to launch into their safety message about life jackets, etc. — and it’s a recording. I’m able to tune out now.

  2. Karen JL Says:

    Dude, you sound a little stressed.

    Maybe you should fly somewhere and relax.

    (P.S.: You wipe your arse in a circular motion?)

  3. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    LMAO, then trying to calm down. And Karen’s comment got me started all over.

    I fly very rarely, but I distinctly remember that on the way to Spain years ago. Of course that was a long enough flight that the ice picks weren’t necessary.

    I can’t say how it goes on a flight in the States today (anyone?), but in a lot of public places we get stuff in English, Spanish, and French, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you might actually be glad to be Canadian, on “only” a dual-language flight. 🙂

    Regards,

    Kelly

  4. Friar Says:

    @davina
    I haven’t managed that trick of tuning out yet. I need to figure out how to turn that part of my brain off. Until then, I’m forced to listen.

    @Karen
    Sigh. Only one week back from vacation, and I need another one.

    I dont’ wipe my arse in a circular motion. But I’m sure if the airlines had their way, they’d be the first to give us dirctions on how to do it.

    Probably tell us how many squares to use, too! 😉

    @Kelly
    Then you get into the issues of all the other languages. Which ones are most important?

    If you fly to Vancouver or Toronto, then we should probably include Mandarin. And maybe Inuit, for the flights to the Arctic.

    Perhaps we could save time, if we do only ONE announcement in a universal language that everone can agree on. (Esperanto, maybe?)

  5. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Duuuuuuuude! You’re back! Took a week, but you’re back! Yeah!

    Your stressed, miserable life is my source of humour. A noble sacrifice. Thanks.

    I used to fly a lot and agree with you about the announcements, but as you say they are required by law.

    My trick however is that I memorized them and when they start in with their schpeel I join them, BUT I change a few words, just to keep my fellow passengers amused.

    For example, “in the unlikely even of a water landing” become “in the LIKELY event of a water landing” or “place the mask over your face and tug to start the flow of oxygen” becomes “place the mask over your face and pray that tugging will start the flow of nitrous oxide”

    I usually have quite a fan base by the time we land.

    All part of the service, thanks for flying Eyeteaguy Airlines, we are so glad you survived.

    Eyeteaguy

  6. hannah78 Says:

    Yeah, I agree-Who doesn’t know how to fasten a seatbelt/order a drink/adjust volume on a TV? Crazy!

    Did you see the video of the woman at a Hong Kong airport who went batshit insane because she missed her flight? Will there be another video soon with Friar going nuts over all the inane instructions? 😉

  7. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Yeah, I could tell you were sad and despondent, because I wrote heart-felt artsy posts the past few weeks. Vacation is good for my soul, but maybe it’s not so good for my blog.

    Nothing like a good rant, to start off Monday, eh?

    Sometimes I start to mimick the Robot Lady…once in a while, I catch shit for it! 🙂

    @hannah78
    I think what bugs me, is they talk to us at the workplace with the same condescending tone…like we’re all idiot-children.

    When I’m on vacation, I want to ESCAPE all that!

  8. Mer Says:

    I dont’ wipe my arse in a circular motion. But I’m sure if the airlines had their way, they’d be the first to give us dirctions on how to do it.

    You realize that if you did wipe your ass (aka, arse) in a circular motion, you’d have to switch directions when flying south of the Equator… 😉

    Mer

  9. Mer Says:

    Sorry, I couldn’t resist! 😀

  10. Friar Says:

    @Mer
    You make an excellent point!

    By the way, poo jokes are not only welcome here, they’re ENCOURAGED!

    Well done! 🙂

  11. Mer Says:

    That was a poo joke? Oh my. 😮

    –Mer 😉

  12. Beth Partin Says:

    It’s not the ones on the plane that bother me so much, it’s the ones in the airport. Denver’s airport is especially annoying in two ways: the constant reminders about the joke color-coded security alert system, and the voice that announces A train is coming! A train is coming! as if we couldn’t hear it ourselves.

  13. Friar Says:

    @Beth
    That’s one thing we don’t have in Canada…trains in our airports.

    But don’t forget the announcements to pre-board. Then general boarding. Then last-call for boarding.

    In both languages, of course!

  14. Beth Partin Says:

    I’m trying to remember if DIA does them in Spanish too–seems like they should, but I’m blocking it out right now.

  15. Friar Says:

    @Beth

    I’ll probably get in trouble for saying this, but I’ll go out an a limb and say, if anyone’s traveling around North America, it would probably do them well to learn a bit of ENGLISH.


  16. […] Ladies and Gentlemen (Mesdames et Messieurs…) from my favorite raconteur, The Deep Friar. After you stop laughing at his tale of woe, how would you fix this Experience? […]


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