How to Reduce Morale and Sabotage your own Company
Eliminate the communal coffee pot in order to save money. Then send ten of your senior executives to a cushy four-star resort, as part of a “Team Building” exercise.
Hold a charity event during office hours, but tell your staff they must use their own vacation time if they want to participate. Then gush to the media how how wonderful your company is for helping out the community.
Schedule meetings during lunch. Cleverly disguise the fact that you’re making those poor suckers work during their break by calling it a “Lunch-and-Learn”.
At Lunch-and-Learns, it’s especially fun to serve hot pizza. But have it delivered at noon, and let the food sit there for 40 minutes and get cold before giving anyone permission to eat.
In the interest of saving $20 on a $500,000 budget, exclude a key Project Team Member from a business lunch. Tell them it’s because “Money is tight.” Chuckle to yourself as you eat, when you think of them brown-bagging it alone.
Re-invent a procedure so that it now takes twice as long to do the same job. Then give a 60 minute Powerpoint presentation on why this is a good thing.
Allow selected employees (especially those with children) to work from home when urgent personal matters need attending to. Do NOT extend this same privileges to single people. (Serves ’em right, for deciding not to breed!)
Respect and praise your treat your staff in inverse proportion to the education they’ve received (i.e. treat your junior admin staff like royalty, and your PhD’s like crap).
Implement a performance review system, where everyone basically gets the same pay raise, regardless of how well they did. But make everyone go through the whole procedure anyway, like it actually makes a damned difference.
Treat your salaried staff like hourly workers. Don’t measure success on what someone actually accomplishes at the end of the day. (It’s how long they actually sit at their desk that really matters).
Hold a meeting for 4 straight hours, without giving anyone a coffee or bathroom break. (If you can last that long, so can THEY!).
Schedule work-related technical seminars during lunch or after-hours. (If people want to professionally develop, they can do it on their OWN time!).
Remember that “Safety First” dosen’t actually apply for actual safety concerns. Rather, it’s to provide lip-service to such trivial items like reminding us to wash our hands, or telling us to hold the railing when walking on slippery steps.
The more important a deadline is, the more you must remind the person that it needs to be done ASAP. And when they finally complete it, extend the due date.
Hold a Christmas Lunch during office hours. But make people pay for the meal themselves. And don’t even call it a “Christmas” Lunch. Use the word “Holiday” instead. And if people still want to attend, tell them they have to use their own vacation time to go.
“Promote” someone to a position with more responsibility but with no extra pay. Then intimidate and scold them if they have the nerve to ask for a modest salary increase. Then hire a retiree/contractor at $100 an hour, who’s already collecting a full pension.
If you want to chew someone out, remember to do it in public, in front of their peers. Now, EVERYONE will know you’re an a-hole, and not just that one person.
Try to keep at least a ten-to-one ratio, when handing out “You screwed up“‘s versus “Atta-boy“‘s.
Assign a new-hire to a mentor who’s known to be socially inept and dysfunctional. When they can’t get along, blame the newbie.
Hold an afternoon BBQ and “Fun Day” for the summer students, but do nothing for the full-time staff. Then announce in the company newsletter what a great job the students did, and how important they are to the company.
Insult everyones’ intelligence with a lame-ass presentation (i.e. 45-minute seminar how to put recycled items into the Blue-Box). Then repeat the same talk, 6 months later.
Never mind micro-management. Try nano-management. Or better yet, pico-management.