I know these things to be true, because Hollywood tells me so.

Forget the Middle East.    The only really plausible terrorist threats today come from white supremacist Neo-Nazis.

Gay males must act like the flamboyant, colorful, over-the-top stereotypes they’re always portrayed as.    God Forbid, should they ever behave like boring average everyday Joes.  

Always remember:   Republicans = BAD;   Democrats = GOOD.

If a black and white cop are paired together, the black cop will always be the smarter one.  He’ll teach the white guy a thing or two, and ultimately help him become a better person.

A 110-lb woman will kick the ass of a 220-lb. man, each and every time.    The guy may be bigger and stronger, but she’s quick and knows martial arts.

Speaking of which, everyone in Asia practices kung-fu…everyone!    The mailman,  the gardener,  the  old lady down the street…they all do it.

There are are “secret organizations”  that even the President and the CIA don’t know about, that control the media and run the country.   But all it takes is one individual to expose them, and truth and justice shall prevail.   

Students fail out of college because the preppie kids from the rich fraternities keep conspiring to get them thrown off campus.    Not because maybe they’re stupid and don’t study.

Furthermore, nobody in college ever studies science, math or engineering.   The only lectures that are ever given are artsy-fartsy humanities classes, taught by some pompous English Professor wearing a tweed suit and a bow tie.

Any time a female tries out for a male-dominated elite organiziation (the Navy Seals,  a Pro football team, a police academy, etc.), they never screw up or fail out like the other male candidates.    No….most likely they’ll excel and become the strongest member of the team.

Audiences will truly not be satisfied, until there’s a feature movie based on each and every comic book character from the Marvel and DC universes.

A captive who’s been tied up and unable to move for hours on end can be freed within seconds by a rescuer simply untying one single knot.    The only evidence of any discomfort or cramping, will be for the victim to rub their chaffed wrists for a few seconds, after which they’ll be 100% back to normal.

There’s nothing funnier than a man collapsing in pain after getting hit in the groin.   Everyone cheers when this happens because, well, he’s a MAN…(he probably deserved it!)  

The only purpose of those dry aqueducts on Los Angeles is to serve as a drag strip for car chases.

There’s nothing funnier than to watch middle-aged women talk about their relationships, followed by a musical number where the ladies pretend to dance while lip-synching  some cheesy Mo-Town song.

Any out-of-control object (rock, baseball, toy airplane,etc.) that flies off-screen is guaranteed to hit a cat.   You’ll know this by hearing the sound of broken glass, followed by a  “Meowwrrr!”

About the most times a movie can be made into a sequels is five.  After Part V, then it’s time to start calling them “pre-quels”.

When dogs are upset, they don’t run away in fear with their tail between their legs.     Instead, they cover their eyes with their paws and whimper in a human fashion.    

Whenever kids are travelling at high speeds, in danger of a crash, they always shout out the same thing:   “Whoooooooaaaah!”

In any comedy, the intelligence ranking of the family members are as follows (in decreasing order of IQ):  Mom,  Sis,  Brother, the dog,  and Dad.

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31 Comments on “I know these things to be true, because Hollywood tells me so.”

  1. Brett Legree Says:

    You forgot my favourite one from the 80’s and 90’s action films.

    The hero works his way through the head bad-guy’s minions, including the toughest second in command, and then when he meets up with the head bad-guy, his guy misfires or the head bad-guy gets the drop on him.

    The hero then implores the head bad-guy to drop his gun and go mano-a-mano, which he does. The hero (who has about 50 pounds of lead in his body from the various gunfights in the last 60 minutes) beats the villain to a pulp.

    Everyone rejoices.

    Then the movie goes slo-mo…

    The villain isn’t really dead and raises his gun to shoot the hero, with a blood-curdling scream, then

    *BOOM*

    The hero’s bumbling sidekick / estranged wife / stepson shoots the villain dead.

  2. Mike Goad Says:

    But, then, how entertaining is reality?

    Oh, wait a minute, I forgot all about those reality shows that I never watch, except for the last few minutes of an occasional episode while I’m waiting for a good old fashioned TV show.

  3. Karen JL Says:

    What about my all time favorite?

    The geekiest, most unattractive guy in the movie will always, ALWAYS get the hottest, sexiest girl in the end.

    Yeah. Super-hot chicks are just DYING to have sex with skinny (or chubby), awkward nerds. They crave them.

    Yeah. Right.

    I call it perpetuating the ‘nerd-myth’.

  4. steph Says:

    Karen: Or perpetuating the nerd fantasy. 🙂

  5. Brett Legree Says:

    The “ugly-duckling” plot device isn’t strictly limited to male characters, either.

    You can always tell when a movie is going to be particularly weak if some completely gorgeous woman is made up to look (slightly) homely – usually horn-rimmed glasses, hair pulled back and a frumpy sweater.

    Of course, any guy would see through this… but, hey, it’s a movie, right? And so, the quiet, demure secretary who was previously ignored by Richard Gere (or whoever) is transformed in some flashy sequence with bubbly music, arrives at the ball “just in time” and Mr. Right goes all ga-ga…

    Everyone feels good, and goes home to have a good cry.

  6. Karen JL Says:

    @ Steph – Precisely.

    @ Brett – The only difference there is that it’s saying to women “You HAVE to be beautiful (so change, dammit) or no one will ever love you” whereas the other is saying to the geeks “Be yourself and the gorgeous women will fall at your feet”.

    How come the guy-geeks never get the make-over? 😉

  7. Brett Legree Says:

    @Karen,

    That’s a good point, you know.

  8. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    Action Movies have so much stupidity in them they’re in a category unto themselves!

    Yeah…bad guys are never really dead…until they try to take that one last shot at the hero…after which they get blown away by the wife/girfriend/trusty sidekick.

    @Mike
    I don’t mind the lack of reality..but I get fed up with some of the “agendas” that Hollywood tries to constantly preach to us.

    Like somehow actors, directors, writers etc. are more socially concious and knowledgeable in world issues, than the rest of us unwashed masses.

    @Karen and Steph
    Oh, yeah…I LOVE those scenes, don’t you?

    I real life the hottest chick wouldn’t even give an AVERAGE guy the time of day, let alone the nerd.

    But of course, in the movies, she always appreciates the geek for what he is…and accepts him.

    Yeahhh….right.

    @Brett
    Yeah…it pisses me off. …when they show an “ugly” chick on the movies. Or the “before” pictures of “fat” chicks on weight loss commercials. Who actualy look pretty damned good.

    In real life, I’d be thrilled if I actually had a girlfriend who looked like those women…

    Way to make everyone feel GOOD about themselves, Hollywood!

    @Karen
    The geek never gets a make-over, because the hot chick will be willing to ovelook his faults.

    Because she knows the good-looking jock will end up working at Wallmart. While the Geek will probably end up getting a multiple-six figure job working as a computer hack for Microsoft or Google.

  9. Captain Push Says:

    The bad guy captures or gets “the drop” on on the hero and instead of killing him on the spot, takes him someplace else. This gives the hero the opportunity to escape and live to vanquish the antagonist.

    Another: Throwing a person threw a plate glass window doesn’t result in multiple, life-threatening lacerations.

  10. Friar Says:

    @Captain Push

    Didja see on the Austin Powers movie? Dr. Evil did the exact same thing to Austin Powers and his girlfriend..setting up an elaborate plot to do him in, in a remote location.

    Dr. Evil’s son kept arguing…why don’t we just SHOOT them right now? Don’t give them a chance to escape…I can blow them away right now!

    (And of course, Dr. Evil refused to listen, because that’s not what super-villains do!) 😉

    There was also that episode from Mytybusters when they throw a pig carcass through a plate glass window. It got cut up pretty BAD.

  11. Captain Push Says:

    Oops. I meant “through” not threw. Embarrassed now. It was the afternoon cocktail. I swear!
    I think I’ll have another.

  12. Kyddryn Says:

    There’s another use for the aqueducts in LA – redirecting lava. Isn’t that why they were built in the first place??

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who is living proof the fat chick NEVER gets the guy…movies lie, dang it, they lie!!)

  13. Karen JL Says:

    @ Kyddryn – Was there a movie where the fat chick DID get the guy? Please share. 😉

  14. Patricia Says:

    Funny post…I love the discussion and I love going to movies but rarely do….I do like the children’s movies with my daughter sitting next and explaining the animation and special effects.
    I like taking time off and thinking about what was being said and using my imagination – the characters from the books I read don’t very often match up with my image…I like my images better most of the time.
    I liked the book Marley and me, but not the movie…I thought the characters were wrong and the ending rustic farm house – was not the estate portrayed…oh well, I have no money now.

    I do have a gorgeous computer geek daughter who is single…hmmm loves the movies, animation, and biking

  15. Friar Says:

    @Karen @ Kyddryn

    No…the fat chicks NEVER get the guy. It’s against the Screen Actor Guild Regulations, (Paragraph 3.1b) 🙂

    @Patricia
    You and your daugther should see “Coraline”. The animation is great, and it’s a decent story. Actually it’s such a good movie, I can’t possibly make fun of it.

  16. steph Says:

    Wasn’t there a movie where the fat chick did get the guy? Gwyneth Paltrow was the fat chick (in a suit). But then she gets thin, I think, though not before the guy sees her inner beauty first…I’m not sure, I haven’t seen it. I haven’t seen Bridget Jones’s Diary, either, but wasn’t she supposed to be chubby?

    Anyway, whatever. It’s silly to think the typically “unattractive” people don’t get the attractive guy or girl in real life. Sure they do. Look at me and Colin! (We both think we got lucky.) 🙂

  17. Patricia Says:

    My daughter has Coraline high on her list, I think as a treat after doing a 3 hours lecture for her class on Wednesday, if she can find someone to go with her…She went to movies alone here but not in San Francisco…

    I am about 800 miles away…so we just go to movies now together at Thanksgiving. I have put it on my movies to home list…


  18. hahaha…. This was really good. You know something… I wish you wrote this as a guest post on my own blog 😉 Now that would have been the shiz.

  19. Kyddryn Says:

    Well, there was that one movie where the guy saw a fat chick but she looked skinny to him…you know with that guy who’s in that band, and the leggy blonde gal? Yeah, that one. But she LOOKED skinny, so maybe that doesn’t count?

    Dang.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (The now terribly bitter fat chick.)

  20. Karen JL Says:

    @ Kyddryn & Steph – Meh, screw the movies. I think way more guys like a little chunk then Hollywood wants us to believe.

    And my guy loves my chunky bits (cause they’re in the right places).

    *sticks out tongue at Hollywood* Thhhhhhfffffft!!!


  21. How about this one: A reckless, high-speed car chase down a major highway never results in any kind of crash for the hero (no other drivers ever change lanes or adjust their speed unexpectedly). Now, that’s a great driving lesson for our kids!

  22. mehculpa Says:

    Hollywood = Formulas. Another reason why I watch foreign (not US) flicks.

    The only lectures that are ever given are artsy-fartsy humanities classes, taught by some pompous English Professor wearing a tweed suit and a bow tie.

    That’s because the writers failed science and / or math. (The exception being “October Sky.” But Homer Hickham was an aerospace engineer. :D)

    The only purpose of those dry aqueducts on Los Angeles is to serve as a drag strip for car chases.

    I think that’s the Los Angeles River (<—See pic). There’s a trickle of river now and again–with a really good rainy season. (It’s a good example of what happens to rivers that people try to steer out of their way. There was flooding in the early 1900’s. Oddly, no one thought of moving to higher ground.)

    In any comedy, the intelligence ranking of the family members are as follows (in decreasing order of IQ): Mom, Sis, Brother, the dog, and Dad.

    I think that’s the Funny Ranking, which held true in our family except for the dog, who was just sad.

  23. Friar Says:

    Kyddryn
    Yeah, I think that movie was kinda cheating, showing the fat girl to be “skinny”.

    @Karen
    Well, I can tell you…that I don’t know any guy who finds those anorexic runway-model concentration-camp victims attractive. I’d like to tell them to eat a few cheeseburgers and gain about 20 pounds.

    I think it’s a conspiracy…women don’t find that look attractive. Men don’t. So WHO does?

    I think most guys DO prefer a bit of chunkiness.

    @mehculpa
    And Homer Hickman actually wrote the original book, first. So the screenplay writer already had something to go on..and maybe didn’t even know the first thing about science!

    @Rebecca
    Yeah…imagine just driving in a parking lot at 15 mph, without getting some kind of fender-bender.

    I also like how a car can crash at 60 mph, roll over…and the people just get up and walk away (maybe holding their head, because it aches a little).

    As for the Los Angeles River. I think it’s a conspiracy…if I believe the movies, it’s NEVER held water in recent memory (except a trickle…just enough for cars to spin out in).


  24. LOL … or perhaps they have some minor cuts and bruises. Or — even better — the car crashes and rolls over and then keeps on driving!

  25. Friar Says:

    @Rebecca

    Didn’t that happen all the time on the “A-Team”?

    Nobody EVER got hurt on that show!

  26. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar,

    I can’t remember the exact number, but the A-Team fired some massive number of bullets on the show (in the millions apparently) and no one – NO ONE! – was ever hit…

    Man, they suck…

  27. Friar Says:

    @Brett
    My favorite, was when a chopper was flying 5 feet off the ground on the beach, and went right into a cliff.

    BOOM! Big ball of fire. But the bad guys got out, holding their heads, appearing just shaken up.

    I also like how whenever the A-Team is held prisoner by the bad guys, they’re locked in a room with a fully-stocked machine shop and acetylene torches.

  28. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    (Almost) all the gay males I’ve known could *never* be spotted by their behavior. More’s the pity, ‘cuz then I wouldn’t fall for them before they reveal themselves. Grr, artistic professions.

    P.S. I hope you are not trying to tell me that the man who got hit in the groin did not deserve it. He SO did.

    Karen,

    Totally with you on the geek makeovers in Hollywood.

    Though in real life (I’m no hot chick, but) I like geeks… they can keep up with me.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  29. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    I think there’s a secret delight women have in watching men get hoofed in the nuts.

    My theory is the dude being injured on-screen represents every alpha-male that’s ever wronged someone. Watching him collapse in pain is cathartic and gives people a sense of justice.

    Bit of a double standard, though… It would totally be wrong to show the equivalent being done to a female character (and rightfully so). But with men…well, we laugh at it.

  30. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    It’s about time we discovered a double standard that favors women. 🙂

    Until later,

    Kelly

  31. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    Ohhh….I think I can name MORE than a few! 😉


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