I know these things to be true, because cartoons tell me so.

No matter how new or immaculate a house is, rodents will live in the walls.   Their entrance hole is quite large (3-4 inches across), often door-shaped, and located in plain view in the living room.  The home-owners tolerate this, and never do anything to fix it.

There are only two types of dogs:  1) the English bull-dog and 2) the floppy-eared hound.

Huge wooden mallets are readily available everywhere, for smacking people on the head with.

Dynamite is also readily available everywhere, for blowing things up with.

Predators (cats, coyotes, etc.) will typically expend ten times the energy pursuing their prey, than the caloric value of the prey itself.

Long fuses to explosive devices are unreliable.   They often sputter out,  leaving the bomb to go off only at the precise moment when the villain comes by to check to see what happened.

If someone’s foot or posterior is burning,  for the first 5-10 seconds, the victim is totally oblivious that they’re on fire.   After that, they scream in pain, but there are never any blisters or third degree burns.  Furthermore, the effects of the fire can be instantly nullified by plunging the affected body part into cold water, after which it’s mandatory to sigh with relief.

In the 1940’s, Indians all said “ugh”, began their sentences with “me” and ended their verbs with “um” (i.e. “Ugh.  Me like-um tobacco!“)

The effects of gravity are often delayed until the victim actually becomes aware that they’re no longer walking on solid ground.

Drinking hard liquor will make your face turn beet red, and flames shoot out of your mouth.    So will eating Tabasco sauce.

Nobody ever bleeds.   Visible injuries (black eyes, broken teeth, abrasions) only last 2-3 scenes at the most, then disappear.

Money is always kept in bags, with the “$” sign label on them.

Every household has an anvil somewhere.

Bathrooms will have sinks and bathtubs.  But toilets don’t exist.

All guns have an infinite supply of ammo, and don’t need to be re-loaded.

Sixty years ago, all Arabs wore huge turbans, several times the diameter of their own head.

Grand pianos and/or safes are made to be dropped.   Preferably from a great height.

It’s possible to outrun a cannon ball.   But you have to be quick.

Walking on a railway track guarantees a collision with a train within 10 seconds.   Same thing applies for a truck, when walking in a tunnel.

Shooting someone point-blank will do no harm except to turn the face black and sooty.  (With the exception of ducks, in which case the beak will be blown off the face).

A dog may sniff a hydrant, but will never actually urinate.

North American waterways are full of huge cataracts, where you can paddle a few feet in the wrong direction and unknowingly plunge thousands of feet.

North American geography is full of steep cliffs, where you can take one step in the wrong direction, and unknowingly plunge thousands of feet.

Head trauma always causes large conical bumps to appear within seconds, which grow so fast they may actually displace the hat of the victim’s head.

Carnivores (wolves, dogs, cats, etc.) tend to be the evil villains.  Herbivores (mice, birds, rabbits, etc.) tend to be the good guys.

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46 Comments on “I know these things to be true, because cartoons tell me so.”


  1. Hammerspace. The place where all the wooden mallets are stored is called “hammerspace” (it’s useful for fitting multiple obese clowns into tiny cars as well). Wikipedia actually has an article on this phenomenon, if you haven’t read it already.

  2. XUP Says:

    Being in love is similar to a concussion except that little hearts circle your head instead of stars

  3. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I have nothing to say but I feel obliged to comment.

    Eyeteaguy

  4. Hannah Says:

    Also-Paiting a white stripe down a black cat’s back will cause overly amourous skunks to literally stalk them with sexual advances until the cat goes crazy. LOL

  5. Kelly Says:

    Friar,

    LOL at all of them, especially the readily available mallets. I shoulda been a toon, there have been plenty of times when that would have come in handy.

    Maybe I am…I do have four anvils. (No kidding. I collect them.)

    Regards,

    Kelly

  6. Eyeteaguy Says:

    4 anvils…. Kelly is slowly surpassing Friar’s Mom as the coolest person on this blog.

    …falling from great hieghts is always accompanied by a whistling sound. What causes that sound do you reckon?

    bd.bd,bd,bd, Eyeteaguy

  7. Wendi Kelly Says:

    Beep Beep…

    Want to guess my favorite cartoon charactor?

    Nothing better to do all day than to run around and drop things on unsuspecting Coyotes…such a life…

  8. Patricia Says:

    Very, funny and a delightful read!

  9. Friar Says:

    @Aylaq
    “Hammerspace”. I like that term! Didn’t realize there was a name for it, until now!

    @XUP
    And also, the heart has to almost jump out of the chest, being barely held in place by just the skin!

    @Eyeteaguy
    Whaaaat? No funny comments? This is the 2nd blog post you’ve done this to me. You’re lettin’ me DOWN, man!

    @Hannah
    It’s amazing, how often that randomly happens, too. (Paint falling precisely down the middle of a cat’s back).

    @Kelly
    You enjoy a good burger, and you have FOUR anvils?

    Not that I didnt’ respect you before, but now I do, even MORE SO! That’s awesome! 🙂

    @Eyeteaguy
    bd…bd…bd…Eyeteaguy is BACK! (Hooray!)

    Yeah…what causes everything that falls to make the whistling sound? Hammerspace, perhaps?

    @Kelly
    And the Road Runner is a herbivore (you only see him eat bird seed). Therefore, he’s a good guy.

    @Patricia
    Thanks…I probably could have kept this list going forever.


  10. …list going forever…sounds like a challenge. I feel another 100 comment post coming Friar’s way.

    Bugs Bunny only seeks revenge once he himself has been wronged. He is usually minding his own business when Coyote/Mountain Lions/Opera Singers/Duck/Hunter pisses him off, usually followed by a “Of course you realize this means war”

    Eyeteabugs

  11. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    It usually takes three strikes. Piss off Bugs once, twice, he’s still okay. But do it a THIRD time…that’s when he informs the audience that this means WAR.

    – Friar Duck.

  12. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    You forgot Black Jacques Shellack, who keeps damming the river and then shoots Bugs’ gramophone.


  13. Yoouuuuuuuuuur dispikable…..

    (how do you do phlem in emoticons?)

  14. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    You don’t know me vewwy well, DO you?

    (86 more comments to go till we reach 100).

    Though I think we’ll need Karen JL and Brett to help make it happen.


  15. Neyahhh, what’s up Doc?

    I love it when my kids say that to me.

    And everynight as I leave their rooms I say “Nighty-night, waaaabit.”

    Eyeteaguy

    c’mon Karen JL, Wendi, Kelly et al!

  16. Karen JL Says:

    Nah.

    Cartoons…ugh.


  17. I’ll bet Karen JL doesn’t like the Stooges either. Knew there was something wrong with that chcik.

  18. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Yeah..Karen probably isnt’ into cartoons.

    She probably watches CBC documentaries of women’s health issues in third-world textile mills, or something.

  19. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Or making a big sammitch (and not skimping on the mustard!)

  20. Karen JL Says:

    Actually, I’m much more into shopping, fashion and getting my nails done.

    And finding a rich man to pamper me and buy me stuff.

    Like, O-KAY?

  21. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    I’m looking for the equivalent, but in a woman. Some rich lady who can support my skiing and fishing habits.

    Maybe I’ll check the help wanted ads for “Boy Toy”.

  22. Karen JL Says:

    Yeah, but at your age, a ‘cougar’ would be like, 65 or something.

    Hey, there must be tons of those in Splat Creek!


  23. “Actually, I’m much more into shopping, fashion and getting my nails done.”

    Hmmm, no Stooges or Looney Tunes there. Unless Karen shops a the WB store, wears Bugs Bunny underwear and pokes people in the eyes with her manicured nails.

    As for a rich dude…. where would you look? Do rich dudes cruz the personals?

    @Friar, if I were you I’d rob a bank and flee to Europe. Rich women would want to dress you and take you to parties where they don’t server beer.

    Eyeteaguy

  24. Friar Says:

    @Karen

    Hmmm…at what point does a cougar start crossing over to the Old BAT category?

    @Eyeteaguy
    The Splat Creek bank probably holds $576 in assets. I might have to set my sights higher.

    Maybe I can pass myself off as a tortured intellectual artists. Rich dames often fall for that schtick.

  25. Kelly Says:

    LOL at this comment section. Well worth wandering away for a while.

    Eyetea, Friar,

    I don’t know if this will destroy my rep… my anvils are all small (under 6″), due to apartment constraints, except one. Reminders of my metalworking days, rather than usable for much. (Jewelers use small ones, I guess, but I’m no jeweler.)

    Might as well confess before some Viking asks to come down and build his armor in my living room. 🙂

    Until later,

    Kelly

  26. Friar Says:

    @Kelly

    An anvil is an anvil. You’re way ahead of those of us who don’t have ANY. (Including probably Eyeteaguy!)

    What’s it like, now that you’re the “Coolest person” on this blog?

  27. Kelly Says:

    (I ought to send you a picture of the one that’s not under 6″. It’ll knock your socks off. Maybe this weekend if it’s sunny… and if I remember… oh dear that’s asking a lot.)

    I am NOT the coolest person here, everybody knows you’re a Cool Kid pretending you aren’t, so there nyah.

    But I’ll wear the crown for a minute, it’s kinda nice.

    Later,

    Kelly

  28. Captain Push Says:

    Cartoons:
    All products are produced by “Acme.”
    What doe Acme mean anyway?

  29. Kelly Says:

    Captain Push—Here in the midAtlantic, it’s a grocery store chain. (Yes, really.) You have no idea of how that used to bug me when I first moved here. Every once in a while, I still look at the name funny.

  30. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    Nonono…noooo. I am NOT a Cool Kid. (I deny those accusations).

    Enjoy your crown for a while. You got praise from Eyeteaguy himself. (Wow!)

    @Captain
    Whatever ACME means…the Coyote sure has a big line of credit with that company.

    He must spend thousands of $$$$ on Acme Products, on every cartoon. Just to catch the Road Runner (supposedly because he’s hungry).

    Why doesn’t he take a portion of that money, and just buy himself a nice steak dinner instead?

  31. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Karen and Wee Friar,

    Hmmm! I’ve been gone all day, and discovered you’re talking about me. I’m 65+. Am I a cougar or an olde bat? Elucidate me on your definitions.

    @ Wee Friar.

    Picturing you going out with a 65 year old cougar, is like you picturing your parents conceiving children. Grosssss!!!

  32. Karen JL Says:

    @ Friar’s Mom – Just because you’re over 65 doesn’t mean you’re either one! (And it was your son who said “old bat”…not me.)

    But I don’t see anything wrong with being a cougar. I prefer younger men myself. And I have one…rowr! 😀

    (Try it, you’ll like it. Plus, it’ll freak out Friar.)

  33. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom
    Anybody who can ski circles around me down mogul runs is not an olde bat.

    @Karen
    You’re right. It would freak me out.

    (Holding my hands to my ears) …LALALA…I can’t hear you…LALALALA!


  34. You mean you don’t keep your cash in a swag bag with a $ sign on it. How will the masked robber with a striped top know where it is?

  35. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I still want to take off in one direction, leave my hat spinning in the air before it follows me and leave a small cloud of dust hovering in the air. Oh, and I want that zip, peeyow sound too.

    I have 2 anvils, crap. Now I have to go buy more so I can be cool.

    Friar’s Mom is not an olde bat, she stays awake for surgery, is a viking and gives Eyeteaguy as good as he gets.

    So what we need is a mother-son combo. Friar can date the mom and Friar’s mom can date the son. What an interesting Christmas dinner that would be.

    Eyeteaguy

  36. Friar Says:

    @Three Dog Blogger
    …and wouldn’t the English Bulldog be guarding the money, and attack the robber?

    @Eyeteaguy

    Double-dating with my Mom…? Ummm…..PASS.


  37. 38 comments. I think Kelly is stealing your thunder.

    …all poisons are clealy labeled but can nonetheless be determined by the green vapour and stars emmitting from the top. Drinking them will turn you various colours while also emmitting a green vapour and stars from your mouth.

    Eyeteaguy

  38. Friar Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Oh..there’s no thunder to steal. If I get more than 25 comments, that’s usually pretty good.

    Don’t forget, that poison always has the skull and crossbones on the label.


  39. So did the booze that Daffy drank in his western adventure. So “pick your poison” had its origins in Looney Tunes?

    Eyeteaguy

  40. Kelly Says:

    Oh, oh! Eyeteaguy reminded me of one!

    When passed out drunk or (as rarely occurs) dead, eyes will develop massive black Xs on them. If you aren’t quite dead (more likely), little birdies may float circularly around your addled brain, to seranade you in your pain or stupor.

    *proud of self, since I’m never any good at toon stuff*

  41. Friar's Mom Says:

    @Eyeteaguy

    Double-dating with my son would be so weird. I’d have to be senile or desperate to do that. Unthinkable!! Yuk!!! However, at my age, nothing surprises me. I bet there are people out there that get a kick from that sort of thing.

    @ Wee Friar,

    Don’t sell yourself short; you’re a darn good skier. If you skied as much per season as I do, you’d be skiing circles around me.

    @ Karen

    In my skiing and cycling circles, the majority of men are younger than I am. We have a lot of fun as friends. I doubt if that makes me a cougar.

    @Captain Push,

    Check http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acme_Corporation for an explanation of ACME.

    @ Kelly

    I don’t have an anvil, but I have a lead brick. Does that count for anything? How cool is that when a kid has a Gramma who owns a lead brick?

    @ Wee Friar

    Back to the subject of our post, I wish I could run as fast as cartoon characters. Their legs spin around at mega RPMs until they’re just a blur.

  42. Kelly Says:

    Friar’s Mom,

    Having a lead brick does not qualify you for anything in metalworking circles (it would melt, yeah?) but in toon circles that’s GOT to be good.

    Easier to push out the 13th-story window (at your conveniently-stopped enemy) than a piano!

    I love that Acme link. When will I learn that everything I want to know is on Wikipedia, except…

    How come Friar says all the BC-skiing ladies are too old for him and you say all the gents are too young for you?

    Something fishy going on there, and it’s not covered on Wikipedia. But maybe I should move to ski country. Gents too young for you ought to be just about right…

    Mmhm. 😉

    Until later,

    Kelly


  43. Heh, heh, heh, Friar’s Mom said mega. Heh, heh, heh.

  44. Friar Says:

    @Kelly
    My nephews like the lead brick..they call it the brick that’s impossible to lift. (And they get impressed when Uncle Friar can do it with one hand).

    @Friar’s Mom
    And nobody ever breathes hard when they run that fast.

    @Eyeteaguy
    Friar’s Mom hardly ever says mega. Must be your bad influence.


  45. […] a page from both Deep Friar and the WILF challenge, I decided to share some of the facts about life which one may gain from […]


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