Being Anti-Green: 26 Tips on how to Screw the Planet
1. Stick to the Two-Thousand Mile diet. Refuse to eat any food unless it’s shipped in from three time zones away.
2. Instead of a turkey, celebrate Thanksgiving with a California condor.
3. Invent a religion that discourages overpopulated Third World countries from using birth control (no, wait..I think someone’s already done that!)
4. Bring back lead paint and asbestos. (If it was good enough for us, then it’s good enough for today’s damned spoiled kids!)
5. Make particle-board IKEA furniture, using only old-growth mahogany.
6. Build a huge electric fan, and have it blast air in the opposite direction, right behind a wind turbine. (Heh heh heh…! The next effect is ZERO!)
7. A ski hill in the desert. We definitely need to see more of these.
8. Grow pineapples in greenhouses in Alaska, then export them to Ecuador.
9. Run your electric heater and air conditioner in your house at the same time, and let ’em fight it out.
10. Generously stock every lake in North America with carp.
11. Build paved roads to each of the high points of the Lower 48. Now everyone can enjoy bagging the peaks (and not just the hikers and moutain climbers)
12. Collect rainfall in Arizona, store it in barrels, and Fed-Ex them to Antarctica. This not only wastes energy, but as a bonus, it permanently removes precious H2O from the drought-stricken Colorado River watershed. (Thanks to Brett for suggesting this one).
13. Sell disposable, one-time use Recycle Blue-Boxes.
14. Spread the joy, and keep the spirit of Christmas going all year around. Keep your outdoor lights burning 12 months a year.
15. Just for shits and giggles, re-engineer the electric generating turbines in hydro dams so they act as MOTORS, and pump that sunnavabitch water right back uphill.
16. Convince the Japan that the best sushi comes from blue whales.
17. Convince factories in China there’s a great demand for lead-tipped baby pacifiers.
18. Dredge the Gulf Coast, and make a huge pile of sand in the middle of the ocean. Encourage rich retirees to build million-dollar homes on it, just in time for hurricane season.
19. Randomly pick an animal, any animal. (Moose, chameleon, three-toed sloth…etc.) Then try to wipe it off the face of the planet. (Bet you we could, too!)
20. Rent a cabin in the woods. Bring an electric generator and use it to power one of those fake electric fireplaces. (You know, the ones with the plastic logs and rotating orange lights.)
21. Design disposable cell phones that are good for only one call, then you throw them out. Market this to teens, as the next “Cool” thing to have. (Actually, these would probably sell.)
22. Develop a Hummer that runs on whale oil.
23. Become a strict Meat-a-tarian.
24. Design a simple automatic rifle, that even chimps can learn to use. Train them to do so, arm them, and then release them back into the wild.
25. Use crushed coral as filler material when re-paving the Interstate.
26. Start a charity web-site, using Google ads to raise money for your favorite military dictatorship. Every time someone clicks on the box, El Generalissimo gets one dollar.