How to be a Nouveau-Riche Yuppie
If you’re unhappy and sense a spiritual void in your life, buy another expensive toy. That always helps.
Hire someone to do a major house renovation that you don’t even need. Then proudly show it off to your friends, as if you had actually accomplished this work yourself.
Fill your kids’ every waking hour with pre-scheduled activities like soccer, volleyball, Tai-chi, karate, origami, and God knows what else. You can have your Quality Time together while you’re rushing them around town in your mini-van to meet all their appointments.
Have a Kitchen Island.
Join Direct Buy, so you can pay $800 for that rug that normally costs $2400.
Book all your summer weekends months in advance, so that nobody can ever drop by on a Saturday for a spontaneous visit.
Start drinking wine. If you must consume beer, at least make it the imported kind.
Stainless steel everything, in your kitchen.
Since you don’t have time to parent and monitor TV use, only allow your kids to watch lame-as PC cartoons like Dora the Explorer or Caillou.
Own a huge house, big-screen TV, three lap-tops, two cars, eat out five times a week, and only take vacations that involve getting on a plane. Then tell everyone how it’s impossible to live on one income, and that’s why you both have to work.
Put cranberries in your salad.
If anyone asks you how things are going, tell them “Busy!” and be proud of it.
Give up motorized sports for the human-powered kind (i.e. sea-kayaking versus motor-boating, cycling versus driving your ATV).
Get rid of all your flannel outdoor clothing, and replace it with Goretex.
Start eating Thai and Indian food.
Shun low-brow humor like South Park, Family Guy or Trailer Park Boys. (It’s so awful, they just swear too much!)
Buy a $450,000 home in a new sub-division, where the houses are packed so tight you can’t even fit a lawnmower between them.
Own no sunglasses that cost less than $150. Wear them on top of your head indoors.
Have only two kids, max. Anything more, and you lose your Yuppie status.
Develop a taste for Brie.
Buy a $2000 front-loading washer to reduce water consumption. Preach to everyone how you’re saving the planet, then fly 12,000 miles to an Eco-Tour vacation, for your own amusement.
Neglect your life-long friends who can’t keep up with your nouveau-riche lifestyle. Better to focus on collecting as many shallow acquaintances as you can, who are closer to your socio-economic class.
“If you’re going to be making the big bucks, you’re going to have to put in the long hours”. Remember these words, and live by them. This will guarantee your success and happiness.