Some Questions Best Left Unanswered

cant-hear

What unspeakable things did Jabba the Hutt make Princess Leia do, when she was kept on a chain, as his slave?

Which Yoko Ono songs weren’t considered quite good enough to get on the Double Fantasy Album?

What’s in hot dogs?

What things did George Bush really screw up, so baldy, that we’ll never hear about?

What’s your parents’ sex life like?  (Ewwww…!)

…what about your grandparents?    (Double Ewwww…!)

What else can be deep-fried, besides cheeseburgers and Mars Bars?

How many voters can’t even locate their own state on a map?

What age was Céline Dion, when her manager, René Angeli, started to have the hots for her?

Just how painful is hemorrhoid surgery?

Just how much more of an S.O.B. can Eric Cartman become?

How far would Betty be willing to go, in order to get Archie to like her more than Veronica?

Forget the fluorescent blue water…what do soiled napkins really look like?

What will upset today’s kids, 25 years from now, when their kids want to shock them?

What happens if you drink an entire quart of cream?

How did Wilma ever manage to deliver Pebbles? (My God…have you seen the SIZE of that kids’ head?)

Exactly what did the Perfessor from Gilligan’s Island get his PhD in?

What sick sonnovabitch came up with the recipe for raisins and glazed lima beans?

What was that crunchy, unidentified tidbit at the $7.99 Chinese buffet?

If Oprah can’t even pump her own gas, what else doesn’t she know?

What TV shows did Fox TV reject which never saw air-time?  (As opposed to the high-quality programming they broadcast right now.)

What kind of idiot would pay $50 for bottled water?

How do all the Smurfs deal with the fact that there’s only one Smurfette?

How did the pioneers cope 200 years ago, in log cabins with no running water or toilet paper?    Especially when they got the stomach flu?

How close have we ever come to another 9-11 without realizing it?

What the hell did the dog just eat, that he’s trying to hide from us?

Does Bob Dylan deliberately sing that way just to mess with us, or is he really, honestly trying?

How much time do we waste each day on Twitter?

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19 Comments on “Some Questions Best Left Unanswered”

  1. Patricia Says:

    Wow how can this be – it looks like I might be first and this was making me laugh out loud so I read it slowly!…Thank you for your fun thinking and Ewwww’s

    off to book group

  2. Friar Says:

    @Patricia
    Wow…you got firsties, even before Eyeteaguy!

    Glad you liked the list..I probably could have gone on and on….

  3. asrais Says:

    What’s your parents’ sex life like? (Ewwww…!)

    …what about your grandparents? (Double Ewwww…!)

    Hopefully they have great sex lives. The only EWW part, I think, is if you are fantasizing about their sex lives. Or participating … then something is broken.

    Forget the fluorescent blue water…what do soiled napkins really look like?
    Like someone is having their mensturel period. Women only average 1/2 cup or so per month. Or would you prefer real pictures?

  4. Friar Says:

    @asrais
    Well, that’s the whole point. If my parents had great sex…I don’t wanna know about it!

    In fact, I’m pretty sure my grandparents never did, period. Nope. Never happened.

    (La la La..blocking my ears…I can’t hear anybody…La La La)

    Same thing applies for “mensturel” periods! 😉

  5. Friar's Mom Says:

    The pioneers used “chamber pots” and probably newspaper. The Eaton’s Catalogue was put to good use. As a kid I learned that maple leaves worked best.

    The following is from Wikipedia: Wealthy people used wool, lace or hemp for their ablutions, while less wealthy people used their hand when defecating into rivers, or cleaned themselves with various materials such as rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize husks, fruit skins, seashells, or corn cobs . . . In Ancient Rome, a sponge on a stick was commonly used, and, after usage, placed back in a bucket of saltwater.

    . . . in Europe, most of South America, the Indian subcontinent, and the Muslim world people use their left hand to clean themselves and their right hand for eating or greeting.

  6. Patricia Says:

    I could add one to the list…Sea Food or SEE Food…it is a line from a movie…but we just sat across from a group of High School kids dressed up for a formal occasion and all the girls in all their finery, ate like pigs and noisy and using their hands and then chewed and laughed with their mouths wide open – even spitting food. We were so happy that we were done and could leave. I think we heard “Oh My God!” at least 40 times and it was gross.

    Oops! I thought napkins was referring to at the dining table and my mum taught me about serviettes? All the US hygiene products now say sanitary pads and serviettes on the packages…that is strange too?
    Maybe they are all made in China and they are confused?

    I may have gotten here first because Eyeteaguy is vacationing in UK…all those family members?

  7. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom
    Leaves, sponges, wool, twigs….Argh.

    If there’s one cruel trick Nature played on us hairless apes, is that we have the messiest bums. Other animals don’t have to put up with that crap (Pun intended).

    Look at my sister’s dog, for example. All that fur…yet when she’s done her business, everything is perfectly clean.

    Same as moose. Their poop all comes out in nice, compact little dry nuggets.

    Wish WE could be more like that.

    (Oh boy, I WISH Eyeteaguy and Brett were around, to take part in this enlightened conversation).

    @Patricia
    If there’s one thing TV taught me, is that menstrual fluid is harmless fluorescent blue water! So I don’t’ see what the big deal is. 😉

  8. Karen Swim Says:

    lol! This whole list had me cringing and laughing but the smurf thing is going to haunt me all day long! lol!

  9. Friar Says:

    Karen

    Either she’s a very “busy” Smurfette, or the other Smurfs have found “other means” to satisfy their baser Smurf insticts. 😉

  10. XUP Says:

    Gilligan’s professor holds 6 different degrees, but he was only a high school science teacher and a “well-known scoutmaster”. He got his degrees by the age of 25 including a B.A. from USC, a B.S. from UCLA, an M.A. from SMU and a Ph.D from TCU. His areas of expertise are agriculture, astronomy, biology, botany, chemistry, chess, dentistry, geography, law, marine biology, physics, psychology and zoology. I think what we should really be asking is why a guy with that kind of an education chooses to teach adolescents and how he makes the time in his life to be a Scoutmaster.

  11. Mer Says:

    Forget the fluorescent blue water…what do soiled napkins really look like?

    More or less like a used Band-Aid. Much better than pooh on your hand or on a corn cob. (Ewwwww!:o) You had to ask. Sort of.

    What things did George Bush really screw up, so baldy, that we’ll never hear about?

    Whatever it is, it will defy all comprehension. Or Cheney did it for him.

    What the hell did the dog just eat, that he’s trying to hide from us?

    What, your garbage can is still right side up?

  12. Hannah Says:

    “What else can be deep-fried, besides cheeseburgers and Mars Bars?”

    For the answer to that question, you must visit one of my latest favorite sites:
    http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

    LOL. The “food” on there is enough to make you gag!

  13. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Wee Friar,

    Contrary to popular belief, hot dogs are not made from left-over meat laying around on the floors of meat-packing houses, like pigs’ snouts, lungs, and unused meat scraps.

    Most recipes combine a tasty blend of favorite meats (pork, beef, chicken, or turkey), meat fat, a cereal filler which could be either bread crumbs, flour, or oatmeal, dried milk, a little bit of egg white, and a mouth-watering array of herbs and seasonings including garlic, pepper, ground mustard, nutmeg, salt, and onion.

    HOWEVER, if ingredients mention meat and meat “byproducts” (heart, kidney, or liver, for example), the byproducts must be named with the derived species and be individually named in the ingredients statement.

    So if you’re concerned about what you’re eating check the ingredients. Et voila! this is my hot dog research for today.

  14. Friar Says:

    @Hannah

    Oh, that’s an AWESOME LINK! ;-)(I’d like to try ALL those different dishes.

    Have you heard of a “bacon lattice”. (You can google it). You weave raw bacon into a mat and cook it . You can put it on top of an applie pie, or roll it up and eat it with melted cheese.

    (Don’t tell Friar’s Mom…I’ll get lectured for just even THINKING about it!)

    @Friar’s Mom
    I read somewhere that hot-dogs are 10% bone meal. And that there’s a low of meat like ears, eyelids and rectums.

    Oh well…doesn’t bother me. It’s all blended up nicely…I like the way dog taste!

  15. Friar Says:

    @XUP
    Are you making this up? (Or is this legit Gilligan’s Island Trivia that you’ve googled?).

    If so, then you need to get out more!

    A while ago, on this blog, we discussed why the Perfessor coudln’t fix a damned boat. We figured out maybe he didnt’ WANT to.

    Stuck on a tropical island, with two lonely hot single women. He probably had it much better off being marooned, than working in a crummy job in the real world.

    @Mer
    A used Band-aid. Huh. (Well, that answers my question!).

    But dont’ worry. I’m not grossed out (I’ve had a few major surgeries…almost nothing grosses me out now).

  16. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    I’m glad you’re not grossed out. I was a little worried, but I figured that a guy who still indulges in scatological humor is probably immune to Common Grotesquerie®. 😉

    Mer

  17. Friar Says:

    @Mer

    I have to deal with Eyeteaguy and Brett on a regular basis.

    So NOTHING grosses me out!

  18. XUP Says:

    No, I’m not making this up, it’s legitimate GI trivia and I have a very boring job. Ergo, if the professor didn’t want to get off the island, I would suggest it was Gilligan keeping him there rather than the 2 hot chicks.

  19. Friar Says:

    @XUP

    No…I think Gilligan was already spoken for…by the Skipper.

    I do know another bit of useless trivia. The Skippers name was Jonas Grumby.


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