Tips to Avoid the Swine Flu (*)

(*)  Brought to you by the Federal Homeland Department of Fear-Mongering


– Boycott Taco Bell.

– Wash your hands thoroughly after Twittering.  You never know who’s been on-line.

– Avoid social gatherings where there’s pork.   Bar Mitzvahs, for example, are a safe bet.

– Use safe sex when dating pigs. (Right, Kermit?)

– Wear protective safety shoes when doing the Mexican Hat Dance.

– Don’t trust those Canadians.  They’re a bit too fond of Canadian back-bacon for our liking.

– If you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet,  try to avoid pigging out.

– Avoid renting Cheech and Chong videos. (Well, the Cheech part, at least).

– If you’ve touched a pork-rind, go soak your hands in bleach up to your elbows.

– Any student caught being pig-headed in class should be immediately suspended.

– Stay away from those odd-shaped foreign fruits in the grocery store.   They haven’t been linked with Swine Flu…yet!  (But you can never be too sure.)

– Never mind the 2 million people that malaria kills every year.  It’s important to be vigilant, and just stay focused on the handful of Swine Flu deaths.

– Anyone caught coughing or sneezing, shall be forced to ring a bell every 20 paces, and yell out “Unclean!  Unclean!”

– Those Frito corn chips are suspiciously Mexican-like.  Best to stay away from them altogether.

– Better yet,  just go to your room right now, pull the shades, and go hide under your bed until Wolf Blitzer tells you it’s safe to come out again.

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49 Comments on “Tips to Avoid the Swine Flu (*)”

  1. hannah78 Says:

    I sneezed on the bus this morning and was actually worried about getting dragged off to some “sterilization” room. Its allergies, I swear!

  2. Eyeteaguy Says:

    200 people have swine flu and we all want to wear masks.

    1 million people have AIDS but no one wants to wear a condom.

    The human race deserves all it gets.

    Eyetea*ah-choo* <-being dragged to the chinese consulate to be quarantined.

  3. XUP Says:

    On the bright side, all those who lost their jobs in this volatile economy can re-train as Bring-Out-Your-Dead guys (

  4. Matt Says:

    “Boycott Taco Bell.”


  5. Friar Says:

    Tsk. Tak. We should have a quarantine island for the likes of you people! 🙂


    Not only that, but one of the planet’s most influential religious leaders, whose decisions affect hundreds of millions of followers, is telling them they SHOULDN’T be using condoms in the first place.

    (I’m going to be dragged off to the Chinese consulate to join you, for making that comment).

    Heh heh. That job actually sounds more fun than what I’m doing right now.

  6. Friar Says:

    Just until no one has the flu anymore. 😉

  7. Writer Dad Says:

    “Use safe sex when dating pigs. (Right, Kermit?)”

    Dude, seriously. You are a rib tickler.

  8. Mer Says:

    Another great post, Friar. 🙂

    I must admit to wearing a mask, not because of Miss Piggy’s flu, although everyone I talk to asks me that, but because the pollen is unusually high this spring and the winds are blowing and I’m DYING.

    @ XUP

    You can send those “Bring Out Your Dead” guys to my place.

  9. Brett Legree Says:

    The “Pandemic Planning Committee” where I work (I’m not joking on that name) has said if we have come into contact with someone who has been to Mexico, we are to work from home until that person shows no symptoms for 7 days.

    Even better, you get to clock it in as normal time rather than sick leave or vacation time.

    Yet, last year when several of us inquired about working from home, even a few days of the month (to maybe save gas money, prevent pollution, improve morale etc.), we were told that it was not feasible because of the “logistics of ensuring that the work was getting done”.

    Say it with me now kids:


  10. Friar Says:

    @Writer Dad

    If Kermit and Miss Piggy have kids, WTF would they look like? (A cross between tadpole and piglets?).

    Sheesh. Animals should just stay wih their own species.

    Our pollen starts in a few weeks. We have lots of pine-trees in town. There’s so much of the yellow powder, you sometimes need to use the windshield wipers first thing in the morning.

    But wearing your mask…heh heh. Bet you scare a lot of people, just by doing that. 😉

    Yes, but you shouldn’t question Uncle Big Brother like that.

    They probably have a very good reason for implementing these rules.

    Uncle Big Brother knows all…sees all.

  11. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    I’m jealous! Pine is about the only thing I’m not allergic to so I don’t mind the pollen. Sap on the car is another thing altogether, but I ride a bike anyway. 🙂

  12. Mer Says:

    ::Repeats after Brett::


    Hey,duuuuuude! I found that chocolate brew. It was $15! The only thing that was less was Young’s. How about that stuff? Is it terrible or what?


  13. Brett Legree Says:


    Thank you 🙂

    Good old chocolate beer. If you have a dry cough, it will fix you right up – seriously, try it for that some time!

    (Now, whether it’s the beer or the chocolate is anyone’s guess…)

  14. Friar Says:

    I had a guzzle of the chocolate beer, but never a full bottle yet.

    It’s got an “interesting” taste, doesn’t it?

    You always bring over interesting booze. I dont’ think you ever drink the same beer twice.

  15. Mer Says:

    @ Friar

    I haven’t tasted it yet. My budget’s fairly limited, so I figured I wasn’t going to get the Young’s unless it got a good review from The Thursday Night Beer Dudes. 😉


  16. Friar's Mom Says:

    Wee Friar,

    Just to let you know there was a free Pork BarBQ on Parliament Hill in Ottawa today at noon, sponsored by pork producers.

  17. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar’s Mom,

    Knowing our government, they’ll have a similar barbecue to put our minds at ease about “human flu”…



  18. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom
    Howcome THEY get free food, and we don’t?

    Yeah…if it’s the Spanish flu, does that mean we have to eat Spaniards?

  19. Friar Says:

    I guess it’s good when you want to drink beer for the “taste”.

    Often I’m willing to forgo quality, in order to get more “volume” for the money! (Depends how “serious” my beer night with Brett is). 😉

  20. Eyeteaguy Says:

    I wonder if mass quantities of beer will kill swine flu. I think Brett and Friar should test the theory.
    You guys go to Mexico City and let us know. Or if you stop posting and commenting we’ll know.


  21. Friar Says:

    Especially, since you have to be careful about drinking the water down there. Beer seems to be the safest option.

    What say you, Brett? I’ve been asking to work from home for over a year, now. If we go to Mexico, here’s our chance!

  22. Brett Legree Says:

    I think it would have to be bacon beer for it to work.

    I’d do it anyway regardless, going to Mexico to drink beer beats going to work 🙂

  23. Friar Says:

    Why don’t we just TELL them we’ve been to Mexico? Then we’ll HAVE to stay home. 🙂

  24. Patricia Says:

    I went to a lunch meeting today and the folks were all glad they were serving tomatoes – fresh tomatoes are supposed to keep one from getting the flu…

    I sneezed several times, because there was so much perfume on the 4 men in the van it was overwhelming and I am allergic to perfume …

    I am hoping the rain stops here soon…where is spring?
    chocolate beer did I miss that discussion?

  25. Friar Says:

    Chocolate beer…yep, that’s the latest discussion.

    The comment threads here tend to go all over the place, that have nothing to do with the original post.

    More often than not, that’s usually Brett and/or Eyeteaguy’s fault. 😉

    Spring is here, but we have snow flurries forecast later this week.

  26. Matt Says:

    Ha! I went to Taco Bell for lunch yesterday anyway! Suck it, Swine Flu!

  27. Brett Legree Says:

    Taco Bell and chocolate beer on a Mexican beach – I am *so* there.

    (Just watch out for those 20-foot tall gorillas)

  28. Eyeteaguy Says:

    Isn’t it sad that we all want swine flu so we can get some time off work?

    Its kinda like in the army when you shoot yourself in the foot to get off the front lines.

    I wonder if I can claim Combat Fatigue/shellshot/Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Gulf War Syndrom through my extended health….

    “I’m not going, I’m not going, I’m not g *gets pulled from the chopper*”

  29. Friar Says:

    I think we’re going to have to send you to Quarantine Island with Hannah.

    I could use a Taco Bell meal. (But the nearest one is a 40 minute drive…sigh). Burn 10 dollars of gas for an 8 dollar snack.

    I just hope it dosen’t mutate into “Gorilla Flue”. All those poor used car lots will have to take down their 20-foot inflatable apes.


    Reminds me of a couple of years ago. I was sitting in the dentists chair, getting a novacaine needle in my gums.

    And I remember being HAPPY, because I got off work early, and this was STILL much better than being in the office.

    And I wasn’t kidding, either.

  30. Friar's Mom Says:


    Since this post was about Swine Flu, I thougth you might appreciate a bit of humour that’s going around.

    “ It was once said that a black man would be president when pigs flew. Well, behold, 100 days into his presidency . . .swine flu”.

  31. Friar Says:

    @Friar’s Mom

    Ohhh…. GOOD ONE! 🙂

  32. Brett Legree Says:


    If the gorilla flu hits, will the Canadian Government serve up hot barbecued gorilla on Parliament Hill, to encourage us to eat more gorilla?

  33. Friar's Mom Says:


    Tt was the Pork Producers who provided the BarBQ not the Canadian Government. If the gorilla flu develops in Canada, it’s up to the Gorilla Producers to provide the BarBQ.

    Just wondering . . . if pig meat is called pork, cattle meat is called beef, calf meat is veal, what is gorilla meat called?

  34. Friar Says:


    Or they’ll hand out pamphlets, teaching us to stomp the ground, and fling our poop.

    To scare away the male Silverbacks.

  35. Karen Swim Says:

    Friar, lol! The other day I was in the store and a man came in coughing and sneezing (properly into his arm) but without thinking I could feel my eyes widen and I held my breath as I moved completely out of the area. I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath until my head started to spin! Of course, I’m a little freaked about that stuff normally, but after my head stopped spinning I did giggle at my reaction. 🙂

  36. Karen Swim Says:

    @Friar’s mom, yee haw for the flying pigs! LOL!

  37. Friar Says:


    (LOL!) You reminod me of a kid holding their breath till they turn blue!


    (You can also wear a clove of garlic around your neck…that should ward off the Evil Humors!) 😉

  38. Brett Legree Says:

    @Friar’s Mom,

    A subtle nuance – wouldn’t the Pork Producer’s Association receive money from the Canadian Government, as many of these industries are subsidized by our tax dollars?

    If that is indeed the case, I want my barbecued sausage!!!

    But to answer your question, I’m guessing that barbecued gorilla meat might be called “gork”.

    Or “geef”. Or maybe “geal”.

  39. Friar Says:


    “Gork”….the other, OTHER white meat! 😉

  40. Brett Legree Says:


    Remembering that Austin Powers movie, would it be the other, other OTHER white meat?

    (since “baby” is the other, other white meat…)

  41. Friar Says:


    heh heh. “I love my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs! ” 😉

  42. Friar's Mom Says:

    @ Brett,

    I looked up Government of Canada, Agriculture, and couldn’t find anything about Pork Producers. There is a Canadian Pork Council (CPC) Tel: (613) 236-9239. I phoned CPC hoping to inquire whether they were part of the Federal Government. I listened to all the “Press 1, 2, 3, and leave a message”. Coulnd’t be bothered to leave a message.

    I did notice that most provinces have their out Pork Producers Marketting Board.

    I don’t think you’re entitled to a pork BarBQ. Too late, it was held yesterday, I doubt if they gave out rainchecks.

  43. Patricia Says:

    Tom just put up the funniest pictures on his site..worth a laugh…
    bikingarchitect dot com

    Sometimes I can be funny too!

    @Friar’s Mother May I use your funny on my Mother’s day post tomorrow?

  44. Friar Says:


    If Tom put up those pictures, wasn’t it HIM being funny, and not you? 😉

  45. Friar's Mom Says:


    It’s not my funny. Some clever person out there thought it up, and it has been going around via e-mail.

    Use it as you please.

  46. Patricia Says:

    Tom found the pictures and I emailed them to Whitney and she put them up on the site…family affair!

    @ Friar’s Mom
    I am attempting to lighten up my post for Friday and I thought that joke would fit very well…thank you I think I will post it –

  47. […] I just knew I should read something about the Swine Flu so I went over to my reliable source The Deep Friar because he had posted about the Swine Flu. […]

  48. Kyddryn Says:

    Bring it on, Swine Flu – I was here first.

    Oh – while we’re avoiding products, what about Flat Earth chips? They have a flying pig…obviously an attempt at biological warfare…aerosol delivery, no less!

    I am not giving up my twice-a-year Taco Bell habit for anyone or anything – if salmonella laced tomatoes didn’t scare me off…

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (pig headed and in pigtails, whadaya gonna do about it??)

  49. Friar Says:


    I had to look up “Flat Earth Chips”. We don’t get them here, you see.

    Give it ten years, maybe we will.

    Sigh. Canada is SO FAR BEHIND the U.S. when it comes to sugary breakfast cereals and junk snacks! 😦

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