Tips to Avoid the Swine Flu (*)
(*) Brought to you by the Federal Homeland Department of Fear-Mongering
– Boycott Taco Bell.
– Wash your hands thoroughly after Twittering. You never know who’s been on-line.
– Avoid social gatherings where there’s pork. Bar Mitzvahs, for example, are a safe bet.
– Use safe sex when dating pigs. (Right, Kermit?)
– Wear protective safety shoes when doing the Mexican Hat Dance.
– Don’t trust those Canadians. They’re a bit too fond of Canadian back-bacon for our liking.
– If you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, try to avoid pigging out.
– Avoid renting Cheech and Chong videos. (Well, the Cheech part, at least).
– If you’ve touched a pork-rind, go soak your hands in bleach up to your elbows.
– Any student caught being pig-headed in class should be immediately suspended.
– Stay away from those odd-shaped foreign fruits in the grocery store. They haven’t been linked with Swine Flu…yet! (But you can never be too sure.)
– Never mind the 2 million people that malaria kills every year. It’s important to be vigilant, and just stay focused on the handful of Swine Flu deaths.
– Anyone caught coughing or sneezing, shall be forced to ring a bell every 20 paces, and yell out “Unclean! Unclean!”
– Those Frito corn chips are suspiciously Mexican-like. Best to stay away from them altogether.
– Better yet, just go to your room right now, pull the shades, and go hide under your bed until Wolf Blitzer tells you it’s safe to come out again.